Let's Get Ready To Ramble!!!

Hawwy Bwown

2010-05-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

So I saw that movie Harry Brown the other night. The title of this post refers to how Michael Caine pronounces it. I don't know if it's his Cockney accent or that fact that he's nine thousand years old, but he kinda sounds like a baby. He also acts like a baby in several scenes of this revenge thriller, but then he'll pick up a gun and lecture the drug dealer who was freebasing out of his own gun about gun usage. Lots of gun talk. It's good to see old guys shooting people with too many tattoos though.

I liked this movie but it was kind of a Tea Party Wet Dream Action Movie. It's about taking the law into your own hands, but rather than having their character deal with the moral consequences of doing so, like Taxi Driver or Paul Kersey, in this movie taking the law into your own hands just solves your problems. Because criminals of any kind should just be hunted down and shot.

This is one of those movies where they justify the main character's murder spree by making the villain cartoonishly bad, like riding around on motorcycles and shooting at babies. It reminded me of that scene in Rambo IV where they've already shown the bad guys slaughtering innocent people but then the main bad guy rapes a little boy. Just for good measure.

Maybe there's some sort of scale in movies like this, where the actions of the baddie have to equal out how obliterated his corpse will be when the hero is done with them.

All in all, I liked it, and Michael Caine is a great actor, but it is a little spooky how it seems to say we should kill criminals with no repercussions. Maybe if he had a skull painted on his shirt I'd be okay with it.

Bridgetown!

2010-04-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in Portland and super-excited for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, starting tomorrow! There's like 175 awesome comedians performing! That's a lot! There's shows all weekend along SE Hawthorne! Come check it out!

Hootenanny!

2010-04-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

I checked Wikipedia and, yes, "hootenanny" is a word and I spelled it right! Score!

So I'm still in L.A. working on genetic experiments. The neighborhood I'm staying in is rife with loud birds, guys with chainsaws, and little kids. No, the neighborhood is not named "Sleeper's Paradise."

I'm eating some Frosted Flakes right now,* which I haven't done in a while, and on the side of the box it says "FROSTED FLAKES" (duh) but then in really tiny letters under that it says "of corn." I don't remember that from when I was a young 'un. Has that always been there? And why is it so small? It's like they're trying to trick kids into eating something healthy, but then this isn't actually healthy at all! What the deal?

I don't think Steven Seagal took sex slaves and the like. I know virtually nothing of his character, but the reason I don't buy it is that the lady didn't report it to the authorities. If you're going to make something up about somebody else for money, try and make it seem authentic by, oh, I don't know, REPORTING SEX SLAVES TO THE POLICE?!? Maybe that's just me though.

*quick, tell Gawker!

Laws Angulees

2010-04-08T00:46:00.000-07:00

So I'm in L.A. for work stuff for a while. It blows being away from the wife, the aminals, and the Portland in general. We are getting some good work done down here though. I don't mean "good work" like building homes for sick kids or anything, we're just writing. I'm just saying that I think we're writing good things.

I've tested out almost every major cities' public transit system, and I think L.A. takes the cake for the worst. The buses run slow and I never know if I'm taking one in the right direction or not! In a city this huge you'd think the problem would be having enough transit for the people here; it's not even that, it's just that the system is lazy and confusing for no reason! Kind of like the city it's in! Actually, you know what? Lots of transit systems seem to reflect their cities:

New York - fast-paced, packed, awesome when you're drinking
Portland - Efficient, ecologically sound and full of chilled-out weirdoes
D.C. - Well-organized, too clean and asleep before midnight
Chicago - Feels cool and old-timey, was in "The Fugitive"
Orlando - Sticky.

APRIL FOOL'S!

2010-04-02T00:48:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I posted a letter all over the internet saying that I had quit the Whitest Kids U' Know. Guess what? Yesterday was April 1st!

I would never really quit the WKUK! I'm a lifer! I don't know how many people actually fell for this, but here are some people that I definitely got (I know this because they either called or wrote me all concerned and I had to break it to them).

PEOPLE TOTALLY OWNED BY THIS PRANK:

DARREN
THE WHITEST KIDS' MANAGER
IFC (OOPS)
MY DAD
SEVERAL OTHER FRIENDS WHO SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

Thank you for your support and sorry I lied!

P.S. Lying is fun!

An Important Announcement From Timmy

2010-04-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

To all my friends, fans and family,

Spring is a time of change, a time of new things and a time of new beginnings. Plants grow, snow melts, and bears come out of hibernation.

For me, change is afoot as well, and thus I am hereby announcing my resignation from The Whitest Kids U' Know.

For some this announcement may be a shock, but for myself and the other members of the group, it's really been a long time coming. My wife and I recently have moved to Portland, Oregon and started a chicken farm, and that's really the direction our life is going now. Comedy was never something I wanted to do forever, and the time for change has come. Working and living off the land is something we've always wanted to do, and now is the time.

Not a day will go by where I won't miss coming up with silliness with my five best friends. I've had a great time making this TV show, but that time is over for me. For me, that world has moved on.

IFC has been a wonderful place to work for the past few years. We're lucky that we get so much creative freedom and that's something I'll always cherish.

Most of all, I'll miss the fans! You all are the reason we get to do this ridiculously awesome job, and I'll miss meeting you at shows and talking to you on the internet.

Well, that's it from me. I wish nothing but the best to the other Whitest Kids, IFC and our awesome legion of fans. Take care everyone.

Love,

Timmy Williams

Tuesday

2010-03-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

My Dad and I just had a long discussion about politics. This has been hard in the past, since he's more of a Republican and I'm more Liberal, but things are easier now since we've both joined the We're All Fucked Party.

The coolest-looking stray dog is roaming our neighborhood today. I want to start a band with him, but he probably already has one.

There's a movie theater here in Portland that shows "LOST" for free every Tuesday. And they have beer and pizza. And they have couches.

Oh, and it appears that magic is real.

Clucking Awesome!

2010-03-29T17:03:00.002-07:00

So my wife Kristin and I have four chickens. Their names are Trevor, Zach, Darren and Sam, after the other Whitest Kids/dumbest names we could think of. They're still very young but starting to get really big and today I was lifting one and it clucked! So I guess that means we're doing a good job at keeping them from dying.

Chickens are hilarious. They have this air about them that they seem to think they're way more important than anything else ever. They'll puff their chest out and act all indignant if you try to pick them up or change their water, and then they'll do something stupid like walk on another chicken's head or take a dump on it's own feathers. So basically, chickens are arrogant retarded assholes, but we love them because they have pretty feathers.

Looking At The Moon Up Close

2008-05-16T04:53:00.000-07:00

The other night I got to go to a big telescope with my favorite person and look at the moon really really up close. You feel awesome yet insignificant when you're looking at a canyon the size of the city you're standing in* on a ball of rock that's about 30 babillion miles away from you. It was incredible how much detail you could make out on the surface! If you squinted really hard you could almost make out Oprah's Secret Moon Castle**.

Also, Saturn looks like a sticker of Saturn.

We're writing the Whitest Kids' third season right now, and I'm pretty excited! We're preparing tons of fun stuff, but unfortunately it looks like I will once again fail my grandmother in making a show that's okay for her to watch.

*Los Angeles, for those of you pushing stick pins into your patented "Timmy's Travels" map.

**I bet you didn't even know about that, did you?

***There is no need for this third footnote. It is a dirty and unwanted orphan.

Things and Stuff

2008-04-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

New Orleans was the bomb-diggity! Lotsa funny times, drankin and eating crawdads! Thumbs up!

Watching my head get blown off on TV was awesome. Check that off the list!

I’m pretty sure the guy that delivered my food just now knew that I was pantsless until about thirty seconds before opening the door.

Here’s my new favorite band:

In case that video raises any questions, I do in fact like girls, by the way.

My ear hurts

2008-03-16T15:02:00.002-07:00

I have an earache. I thought only babies get that! Maybe I’m a giant baby. That would certainly explain all this diaper rash.

Some times I actually do my hair. That means I just run my hand through it with PhotoBooth open.

Lately I’ve bought a few shirts that DO NOT have pictures of animals on them. A distrubing trend to say the least.

My cat licks my cable box.

I am not very good at Scrabble but am very very good at Uno.

That movie Doomsday is crazy. I loved it, but not everyone will. Just sayin’.

That song "Here Comes the Hotstepper" just started playing on my iTunes. Time to go!

Did you guys feel that?

2008-03-08T23:02:00.000-08:00

We just jumped forward an hour.

The future so far is really awesome (I'm eating Doritos).

A review of "10,000 B.C."

2008-03-08T23:01:00.000-08:00

Y'know how with some movies the best way to enjoy them is to check your brain at the door?

Well, in order to enjoy 10,000 B.C. you need to check your brain at the door, blow pot in its face, stomp it into pieces and then shoot it with a shotgun.

That is the end of my review. Thank you for your time.

Who What Huh?

2008-03-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

Lately, everyone I know has been doing one of two things: getting really sick or appearing on "The Tyra Banks Show." Adam Newman did both!

One of the cooler things I got for swag from the Independent Spirit Awards arrived yesterday: a year-long movie pass! I can get into any AMC theater for free til the end of the year! Awesome! Too bad when I went to go try it out there was nothing but CRAP. Oh well. Maybe I'll go check out that caveman movie that came out today; it looks really historically accurate and informative.

I know cats like to play with their prey, but Spaceship really tortured this mouse the other day before she dealt it the death blow. It was pretty crazy. I wouldn't have been surprised to see her pull out a little tiny rack or iron maiden. Wouldn't that be adorable?

"Lost" is getting really bizarre and awesome. I'm not even sure how they write it anymore. Maybe they don't write it. Maybe it's all improv now. Wouldn't that be ~~adorable~~ awesome?

Since I've been back...

2008-01-25T10:15:00.001-08:00

Man, I've been pretty busy since I got back to the cit-ay! Wednesday we had a GREAT KoH show and I ad-libbed a Britney Spears joke that I'm pretty excited about. I don't ever do material about stupid stuff like that but I think the quality of the joke and the fact that it's also a dick joke outweighs the fact that it's about Britney Spears and that we really shouldn't be paying any more attention to her. Also I discovered that spending two weeks in California and having to drive every night greatly lowered my alcohol tolerance. I'm glad to be back where I can drink whatever I want and poorly paid subway operators and taxi drivers have to take me home.

Also on Wednesday we did a photo shoot for a magazine where I got to wear a Hannibal Lecter mask.

Yesterday I watched a bunch of Monty Python (which I'm also doing today). I used to feel like watching them was like going to school but now that I feel the Whitest Kids have kind of established our own style, I can just watch other sketch comedy and enjoy it rather than study it. I still wish we had British accents though.

I also finally figured out the opening scene for an action movie I've been "writing" for like three years now. Now that I can't do anything with it (the strike) I might as well actually work on it, right? I'm backwards. And no, I won't tell you what it's about but I will say that if made it will include a scene of me lifting weights, and I think we all wanna see that special effects extravaganza, right?

Okay.

WHY AM I UP?

2008-01-08T02:03:00.000-08:00

I have to audition for a commercial in, like, seven hours. It's for a whipped cream, so at least I'm very familiar (too familiar?) with my subject.

When I'm on my deathbed and thinking back on my life and everything that I have accomplished, I'll probably be pretty upset about how many times I've clapped and didn't really mean it.

The next stage of human evolution is the Asshole. There's already TONS of prototypes.

Earlier tonight I was forced into a "Support The Troops" round of applause by some dude that's being shipped off to Afghanistan next week. It sucks that you have to go somewhere and have mean people shoot at you and everything, but don't make me applaud for you just because you SIGNED UP FOR SOMETHING THAT IS DANGEROUS. That's why I won't make people cheer for me once I finally join The International Federation Of Competitive Eaters.

Once you break it down to the basics, there's really only two life paths that a person can follow: The Happy Retard or The Heartbroken Genius.

I really only typed all this shit down so that I can remember it for my stand-up set on Wednesday. I hope that doesn't lessen your experience.

Brooklyn is Better.

Good night!

Creek and the Cave Comedy Combo!

2008-01-02T13:36:00.001-08:00

Hey dudes! There's lots of comedy happening at the Creek and The Cave! it's this awesome bar in Queens! Tonight, Saturday, and Next Wednesday are some sick-ass shows and they're all FREE! Come on down!

Tonight The Jerk Practice kicks off '08 with some funny sketches and funny guests, including me! That starts at 8!

Then Saturday...

50 FIRST JOKES is happening Saturday, January 5th!!! We are kicking off a new year of NYC Comedy by having FIFTY + Comedians tell their first joke of 2008. This is gonna be huge!!! We're gonna party at The Creek and The Cave (coolest bar ever) all night long…It's gonna be MAKEOUT CENTRAL!!! Not to be missed…

Presented to you by John F. O'Donnell, Claudia Cogan and Jiwon Lee

Starring: JESSE POPP, SAM BROWN, WILL FRANKEN, GIULIA ROZZI, BRANDY & SARA, HEATHER FINK, ERIK BERGSTROM, BRENT SULLIVAN, SEAN O'CONNOR, VICTOR VARNADO, BENARI POULTEN, SETH HERZOG, ADAM NEWMAN , CHESLEE CALLOWAY, JON FRIEDMAN, BRYCE RICHARDSON, KUMAIL NANJIANI, SEAN PATTON, ELIZA FARIA-SANTOS, JAMIE LEE, CHARLES STAR , LANG FISHER, ROGER HAILES,VINCE AVERILL, JORDAN CARLOS, ERIC ANDRE , MATT RUBY, MARGOT LEITMAN, DAN NEWBOWER, NICK MARITATO, KATINA CORRAO, CRAIG BALDO, MATT MCCARTHY, LIVIA SCOTT, CAROLYN CASTIGLIA, GLENNIS MCMURRAY, AUBREY TENNANT, OREN BRIMER, JAY BOIS, CASSIDY HENNEHAN, BECKY CILETTI, JACKIE MONAHAN, SARA BENINCASA, ANDREW WRIGHT, TOM MCCAFFREY, RACHAEL PARENTA, BRAD STEUERNAGEL, DAN CURRY, TIMMY WILLIAMS, THE JERK PRACTICE, JOHN KNEFEL, JOSH FILIPOWSKI, LISA KAPLAN, RG DANIELS, GREG JOHNSON, GABE AND JENNY, CLAUDIA COGAN, JOHN F. O'DONNELL, and JIWON LEE

Then next Wednesday the 9th is the first KINGDOM OF HEAVEN of 2008! I won't be there but John Mulaney will! You've seen him on Conan O'Brien and various other televised programs, and he has 20 minutes of non-stop amazingness prepared for you!

And this all goes down at:

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreekandthecave.com
718-706-8783

By Subway
7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. Please note that the V train does not run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

By Bus
Q67 to Jackson and 46th ave.
B61 to 49th Ave.

The Future!

2007-12-31T11:05:00.001-08:00

I haven't written a blog in a while, so here's one of those "2007 is over" blogs.

Well, 2007 is over and this year was totally fucking INSANE! I got a TV show, started the best Open Mic Comedy show ever, quit smoking, made another season of a TV show, and have eaten tons and tons of tacos! There was also a bunch of other good stuff that happened, but my mom reads this blog now.

But I think 2008 will be even better! It's starting off with brand new episodes of my favorite TV show ever!

"LOST!"

And also, new episodes of that show I make with those dudes.

I'm not really into New Year's resolutions, but I still make some every year because I am weak. In 2008, I intend to:

1. Really spend some serious time with my Nintendo Wii.

2. Figure out why I keep receiving a catalog for "Women's Fantasy Gifts" containing items such as Elvish door knockers, fairy earrings, and those Snow White shirts with the sexy lace thing.

3. Help Spaceship kick her plastic-eating addiction.

4. Buy some jeans.

5. Destroy Scientology (I make this a resolution every year and will continue to until it happens).

Happy New Year!

Thoughts Over Leftovers

2007-11-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

I'm just sitting here gnawing on a leftover turkey wing from yesterday's DELICIOUS Thanksgiving meal at my friend Cristalle's house and realized I haven't written a blog in like a week or so! Blasphemy!

Yes, I've seen "2Girls1Cup." Yes, I have seen worse. No, I am not a weirdo; I just am very unlucky.

Why the FUCK don't they show "Jurassic Park" on Thanksgiving anymore? I mean, I like it's replacement, "The Incredibles," just as much as the next guy, but when I'm eating dead bird I want to watch the ancestors of birds eat people! Is that so wrong? "Independence Day" was on though, so at least we got out Goldblum fix.

My brother's girlfriend moved here and has a job interview today, Black Friday, at Macy's, the largest department store in the world! WHY are they letting people in there for job interviews? Are they just gonna put her to work immediately? What-huh?!?

I am sooooo into Van Halen now you guys. Just the David Lee Roth stuff though. I can't stand Sammy Hagar. Anyone that calls himself "The Red Rocker" doesn't deserve to live. Does he even have red hair? Or is it because his voice makes people bleed from the ears?

I am not going to see that Johnny Depp barber movie. I think Tim Burton has officially lost his magic. When was his last good one? "Mars Attacks?"

My cat wants to eat this turkey so bad that just watching me eat it is making her purr.

Weekend of Humor!

2007-11-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

Hey Kids! This weekend I'm bein' funny all over the place!

Today The Creek and The Cave is having something called the Crazytown Fest! It's a huge, 14-hour long party with bands and food and drink specials and probably a lot of shuffleboard! It's 20 bucks to get in but will be so worth it. All proceeds go to helping them soundproof their theater. This place desperately needs to be soundproofed. They get noise complaints about comedy shows, which is just silly. So come on down and help them keep the Man off their backs!

12pm-4am
20$
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreekandthecave.com

7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. Please note that the V train does not run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

Then tonight I'm performing at the Drunken Focus Group show at Limerick Bar!

Drunken Focus Group
9:45
Limerick House
69 w.23rd st btwn 5th and 6th aves (next to Duane Reade)
F/N/R to 23rd st.

And then tomorrow, of course, is SCUM AND VILLAINY!
Scum and Villainy
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton in the LES)
FREE
With Craig Baldo, Anthony Jeselnik, Greg Johnson, Pat O'Shea and Giulia Rozzi

Iron Maiden's Still Got It!

2007-11-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

Dude, some bands should just quit while they're ahead. Too often, a band will stay together way after their prime just to cash in and it always looks weird and pathetic (e.g. The Doors and The Backstreet Boys and sometimes The Rolling Stones). I don't mind reunion tours like what Van Halen is doing, but if they released a new album it would probably make me throw up.

Iron Maiden, on the other hand, is still tearin' it up! Last week Shandi and I were just sitting around at my house and decided we weren't being metal enough so we popped in this Iron Maiden concert DVD from 2002 (thank you Chris Brunelle for this great gift). Even though these guys are at least 50 in this show, they are ROCKIN' it way better than most bands half their age. They're jumping around, ripping through solos, headbanging, and Bruce Dickinson keeps changing into silly costumes. It's great. Also they had 50-foot tall statues of the Grim Reaper. I should watch that DVD every day just to remind me of what life is really about: guitar solos and singing about demons.

So I've been on a bit of a Maiden kick and just now I dug up my copy of their 2006 album "A Matter of Life and Death." I had never listened to it before all the way through before today and it KICKS ASS! On the rare occasion that an old band puts out new music and it's actually good, I find that it's normally a little more mellow than their previous stuff (like AC/DC's "Stiff Upper Lip"), but not this. It's been TWENTY-SIX years since their first record and these guys still know how to play fast crazy epic songs and Bruce Dickinson still sounds like the baddest-ass metal opera-singer lady you've ever heard. Totally awesome.

I'm gonna go pick up a bicycle now.

This weekend I...

2007-11-05T09:31:00.001-08:00

1. Dressed like a krump clown for a video. I look good in that style, maybe I should keep it up. If I do that, though, I should probably figure out what "hyphy" is.

2. Fell in love with Iron Maiden all over again.

3. Fell in love with giant bottles of scotch all over again.

4. Received a high five from Sam while he was running in the NYC Marathon! So proud of my boy!

5. Said horribly filthy things in front of Sam's mom during a stand-up show.

6. Finally got my tattoo designed! I think I'm getting it this week! Pain!

7. Got the apartment all to myself after two and a half months of having my brother stay with me! He was lovely but you know what's even more lovely? NOT WEARING PANTS EVER.

The Whitest Kids U' Know Vs. Fire

2007-10-25T12:50:00.001-07:00

Well, the WKUK are convening in Los Angeles tomorrow to take some pictures for Season 2. Apparently it's a really great time of the year to go there since it's, y'know, ON FIRE.

Zach and Trevor have been out there for a while so it'll be good to see them again. I just hope we're not just stopping, dropping and rolling the whole time.

I saw "Blade Runner: The Final Cut" in the theater the other day. If you live anywhere near where this is playing, GO SEE IT. It's awesome on the big screen.

I also saw "30 Days of Night." If you live anywhere near where this is playing, don't go see it. The vampires are cool and there's some good gore, but it's really boring. Go read the comic instead.

I also bought Ween's new album "La Cucaracha." If you live anywhere near where this is being sold (i.e. the internet), go buy it. It's awesome. The song "With My Own Bare Hands" contains one of my favorite lyrics of all time: "She's gonna be my cock professor, studyin' my dick!"

It's really good.

Three Quick Things

2007-10-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

1. I am abandoning the Facial Hair Project two and a half weeks in (we have a photo shoot this week and nobody wants to take pictures of "Kinda Hairy Timmy").

2. "Quantum Leap" is actually a really great show.

3. Why aren't there any hot girls that are serial killers? Wouldn't that be awesome?

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMORROW NIGHT! HOO BOY!

2007-10-16T08:53:00.001-07:00

Come to the next KINGDOM OF HEAVEN w/ Timmy and John!!!!

If you haven't been to this super fun show/evening yet, definitely come next Wednesday at 8pm because...our COMEDIAN OF MERIT is...

GODS POTTERY

plus you get TEN Comedians of all levels opening for them!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Wednesday 10/17 8pm, 7:30pm New Lottery sign up (10 spots!)
Free
@ The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
The Creek and The Cave

Take the 7 Train to Vernon/Jackson

Take the G Train to 21st

Take the E/V to Court House Rd

Love,

John and Timmy

2007-10-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

Six Flags!

Today I went to Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey! I'd never been before! It was AWWWEEEESSSSOOOMMMEEEE!!!!!!!!!! We rode seven roller coasters and they were all fun! We also went to the most confusedly-run taco restaurant in America! It's a surprise we were even fed!

Look at some pictures under my MySpace!

I also registered a few firsts on this trip:

1. First time on a steel coaster.
2. First time on one of those rides that dangle your feet.
3. First time not finding Wonder Woman attractive.

They have this amazing new coaster with a lame name: Kingda Ka. You get in and it goes from 0 to 124 miles an hour in about one second and then shoots you up a 44-story track and then immediately drops you straight back down. AMAZING. I thought I was gonna die. My first and favorite ride of the day, although honorable mention also can go to El Toro, Nitro, and the Batman Ride. Actually, all of the roller coasters were really awesome, but this Kingda Ka was the scariest and most shocking and therefore better. But anyways, me, Darren Bill Tom Melissa and Rachel had the best day ever! I'm getting a season pass next year. And yes, I will continue to wear the little blue shorts whenever I go to Jersey until somebody steals and then burns them.

A Dangerous Combination

2007-10-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

Mixing things together is an American tradition. Improving something you like by adding something else you like to it is a time-honored practice that has given us some amazing advancements such as pants that turn into shorts, Wal-Marts that also have restaurants, and all those crazy flavors at Coldstone Creamery where they put slices of pie or whole candy bars in your ice cream.

Well, last night I decided to try a combination myself. After getting home form the bar, I decided to combine a large amount of beer, a laptop, and a credit card, a combination which led to me now owning this:

I don't know if it's better that I remembered right away, or if it would have been an awesome surprise in my mailbox.

Whatever.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TONIGHT!

2007-10-03T08:07:00.001-07:00

The KINGDOM OF HEAVEN is this Wednesday, and it's gonna be BIG TIME FUN!

Jesus F. Christ (John F. O'Donnell) and Altar Boy Timmy (Timmy Williams) will be performing a new sketch and doing their sweet Stand Up!

Plus, this edition's COMEDIAN OF MERIT is truly exciting! We present to you: The One and Only DAVE HILL!!!!!!!!!

Check out all the cool shit he's done: "The King Of Miami" on MOJO, Adult Swim, Current TV, "Human Giant" on MTV, Sundance Channel, VH1, "Smoking Gun TV" on Court TV, Spike TV, "Random Acts of Duff" on the Learning Channel, E!, "Friday Night Standup" on Comedy Central, Cinemax

www.davehillonline.com

plus, as always, you get TEN COMEDIANS of all levels bringing you HOT LIVE COMEDY ACTION!!!!!!!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Wednesday 10/3 8pm, 7:30pm New Lottery sign up (10 spots!)
Free
@ The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreekandthecave.com

Take the 7 Train to Vernon/Jackson

Take the G Train to 21st

Take the E/V to Court Square

Love,

Timmy and John

The sandwich that will probably infuriate vegetarians worldwide

2007-10-02T00:50:00.001-07:00

Today my buddy Lord Easy told me he was in the middle of The Bronx the other day and saw a restaurant nailing up a sign that read "Home of the Murder Burger."

"Eating a Murder Burger" is now the #1 thing on my list of things to look forward to.

Right now I...

2007-10-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

...am deleting MC Hammer's Song from "The Addams Family" from my Shuffle.

...think I might like Lagwagon again.

...think I might like jalapeno poppers even more than Lagwagon.

...can see the timestream currents moving around my bedroom.

...am wondering why Spaceship has been pretty much the same size since birth.

...am realizing how good the comic "Madman" is (better than most regular books, kids).

...have decided that I should stop writing this now.

Last night’s cab ride

2007-10-01T15:51:00.001-07:00

I don't really know how to explain the cab ride my brother Andy and I took home last night. It was one of the weirdest yet most heartwarming things that has ever happened to me in NYC.

The driver, one Khan Haider, started speaking in his creepy and raspy voice as soon as we entered the vehicle. He then asked how long we've known eachother and then explained that in India (his home country) people aren't as negative about meeting random strangers as they are here in America.

Then he started talking about friendship and family and love and stuff as he made us wrap eachother in silk scarves.

Really.

I'm still trying to figure it all out. All I know for sure is that I gave him an eight-dollar tip.

Standup This Week!

2007-09-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hey kids, now that I'm done shooting Season 2 I get to go do standup again!

Tomorrow (Sunday) I'm performing at the Stillborn in America Tour kick-off show! it's a comedy tour featuring my pals Sean O'Connor, Jonah Ray, Andrew Wright and Nick Maritato, and Sam and I (among others) are going to help send them off! It's at 10pm at Pianos, and costs eight bucks, but show up at 8 for the free Scum and Villainy show, and it'll be like getting two four-dollar shows! Good deal, right?

Stillborn in America
Sunday, September 30
10pm
8$
Pianos
158 Ludlow

Then on Wednesday it's Kingdom of Heaven time! The Comedian of Merit is Dave Hill!

Then on Thursday I'm doing the Tommy Danger show hosted by Sean Patton (winner of Best New Timmy Friend of 2007)! That's at Kabin! Address up soon, okay!

Come out to these shows children!

The State of My Struggle to Live in the 21st Century as of September 29, 2007

2007-09-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

I have realllllly bad luck with technology. Here's a brief recap:

In late July of 2006, I bought an iPod, which was stolen from me on the subway about a month later. I repurchased an iPod, along with a laptop, about a week before going on tour last September. I left the laptop at the venue in Rochester, NY with about one week left on tour. Around Thanksgiving last year, I left my messenger bag sitting at a table in the Manhattan Mall (gross). When I remembered I had left it, everything was there but my iPod. Thieves apparently do not care about Daredevil comics.

Then I moved into a new apartment and bought my friend Matt's old PC. I also bought an iPod Shuffle at around the same time. This summer, the PC decided that it didn't need the internet anymore and stopped getting online. It even went so far as to delete any new browsers that I attempted to install. Weird.

So then I bought this new Apple MacBook, and I really love it! I've had it for almost two months now!

Yesterday I spilled a bunch of water on it. Now it sometimes reboots for no reason.

Also, any cell phone I buy quits working about 11 months after purchase (this one's due any day), my Wii won't turn on, my Xbox 360 acts up some times, and I'm pretty sure my that my cat is mentally retarded. I should just go off the grid and live in a cave.

The iPod Shuffle, by the way, works great and remains in my ownership TEN MONTHS after I bought it! Amazing! I just wish it could get on MySpace.

Season 2 - Phew!

2007-09-26T23:58:00.000-07:00

Well, Season 2 is more or less shot. We shot more sketches than Season 1 in a shorter amount of time than Season 1 and it felt waaaaay longer than Season 1. I don't know how that all works out mathematically. I suck at math, that's why I do poop jokes and wear bras for a living.

I can't wait for this to get on TV though. We at Whitest Kids Business Company International Conglomerate are all very excited. I think our consensus is that it's funnier than Season 1, so let's see what everyone else thinks. February seems very far away but I'm sure it'll come up before I know it.

Anyways, I'll get back to doing standup, playing video games, and writing about my cat now.

Timmy

Why did I write my name there? Everyone reading this knows who wrote it, and my name's like, RIGHT THERE on the left.

But why should I care about what I think about writing my name? I had a long day and a long glass of Scotch. I can write my name wherever I want to! FUCK Timmy.

Right?

Weekend of Merriment!

2007-09-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

When I'm on my deathbed, one thing is for certain: I will die knowing that I did the weekend of September 21, 2007 totally balls-out awesome.

I started on Friday meeting my friend Kevin, whom I haven't seen in eons, down in Little Italy for the Feast of San Genarro. I don't know what exactly the Feast is for, but based on what I saw it's all about eating food that is really really really really bad for you. Like fried Oreos.

Then I got really drunk on a roof, which I haven't done in a long time. I also was hitting on a girl and decided to finally use the "I have a TV show" line, only to find out that 1. she knew that and 2. so did her boyfriend, who was some sort of muscleman.

Yesterday I saw that Jesse James movie. I think it's called "Brad Pitt Gets Pwned" or something. It was great though and I recommend it. The acting and cinematography are amazing and help you forget that the score is AWFUL.

Then after that we went to a pool party! There's some hotel in Midtown that lets you just come swim, and they have a swim-up bar! It was AMAZING. They had this annoying lifeguard that wouldn't let us have chicken fights, and the drinks are WAY too expensive, but besides that it was really awesome. I don't know why I never thought of going to this place before. You'd think I'd have put together the "wet half-naked women + booze = great" thing before, but hey, I'm a little slow on the uptake. Halfway through the evening, our party of comedians (pasty, neurotic and out of shape nerds that didn't know how to handle seeing their female friends' wet bodies) was taken over by what appeared to be a party consisting of 50 Cent music video extras (gorgeous black women and dudes with giant muscles). Not to be a dirty old man, but one of the women had a butt that could probably cure cancer, poverty, pollution, and get "Arrested Development" back on the air. Everyone, guys and girls, were staring at this amazing gluteal phenomenon, and it went past lechery to where we were really just trying to figure out how it was possible. We were staring at her ass in the name of science. Anyways, they knew how to party, and the lifeguard let them do chicken fights! Hot girls have the best lives. And boobs.

Famous mime Marcel Marceau died today. I want to pay tribute to him somehow but I think the traditional "moment of silence" will just feel petty and insignificant in this case.

Season 2 - Week 4

2007-09-11T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today we shot a sketch that I've been waiting to shoot for months. It's brand new and is one of the craziest things we've ever done. I know I'm not supposed to spoil anything, but I can't help it. The sketch we shot today is about LSDIFNYAELVUBRYASEVHTBLSAEKUTHLNSVKH and involves NTALSKUHTRLASKJEHNALSKJEHR for 45 minutes BLVASKUERHBLASERHLSIYB4NV

Whoah. Sorry. My keyboard malfunctioned for a second. What was I talking about? Was it this?

Thanks for the video, Kate!

Addendum To My Earlier Post

2007-09-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

So early this morning, I posted the following statement about yesterday's shoot:

"Yesterday we were shooting outside in Brooklyn and some dude just wandered up to the Craft Services table and started eating bagels. One of the Production Assistants asked him who he was and I think he said he was "with props.""

Guess what? HE WAS WITH PROPS.

I'm an asshole.

Season 2 - Week 3

2007-09-07T03:54:00.000-07:00

Remember how in week 1 I was posting every day, then week 2 it was every other day, and now it's just one for the week? I guess that means the last two weeks of shooting will just be "kshrkjshlfjh" or something.

Anyways, shooting is still going well although the buzz of "we're shooting a TV show!" is fading and now it's a lot like a job. That's probably because we're waking up at five A.M. every day. We're still having a lot of fun though and getting some really awesome stuff. This week we've shot some older live stuff and it's fun to see some of it again since they're all things we haven't performed in a while, and I think they'll work better on the tube anyways.

Yesterday we were shooting outside in Brooklyn and some dude just wandered up to the Craft Services table and started eating bagels. One of the Production Assistants asked him who he was and I think he said he was "with props." This isn't like a "Star Wars" movie or something with hundreds and hundreds of people involved, there's only about 20 or 30 of us and I recognize everyone, but kudos to him for trying to sneak in. I don't really eat those bagels anyway, so have at it! If I were him I totally would have said "I'm with props" too, it just sounds like it might be true.

Bits and Pieces

2007-09-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

First off, I got mentioned in an article about my new favorite Greenpoint spot, Black Rabbit! I'm not actually mentioned in it by name but just know that the "geeks" are my friend Casey and I.

Man, I went CRAZY while on break from shooting. Uff da. I got Joker shoes, ate corn on the cob, recorded commentary for Season 1, found out some girl I know is distantly related to me, and did a lot of beer. I know that actually doesn't sound too crazy but I'm leaving a lot of stuff out because my mom reads this. We start shooting again tomorrow, which is probably good because I was totally headed for something bad like prison or homelessness or accidental space travel.

A sign posted on the door of the Chinese restaurant I went to today said "We now have The Salad."

I've been living in a Polish neighborhood for a while now and on Saturday I finally took advantage of my cultural surroundings by purchasing a whole bunch of kielbasa from a butcher shop and taking it to a barbecue. It was a real-life Sausage Party, even though there were actually tons of ladies there that didn't mind talking to gross weirdo comedians. Kielbasa is delicious, by the way.

Video Awesomeness

2007-08-25T09:07:00.001-07:00

You should really check it out if you've never seen it. It's long but totally worth it. Thanks to Mike Burns and Vince Averill and whomever else was telling me to watch this last night.

Also, this one has been around for years but I still love it:

Season 2 - Days 8 9 and 10

2007-08-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well, we now have a week-long break from shooting Season 2. We've gotten some really awesome stuff so far. Very exciting. Day 8 for me was really all about playing BioShock since I didn't need to be on set. All I have to report from that day is that BioShock is awesome. Day 9 was our last day shooting at a school in Queens. We shot some funny stuff all day, and our last two sketches of the day had to be shot outside. We went into this little outdoor concourse area but we couldn't shoot anything because all these news helicopters kept flying around and were way too loud for us to record any sound. The news copters just kept coming and we couldn't figure out why until one of our producers called the local news station and found out there was an ESCAPED MURDERER on the loose! Right where we were shooting! We never saw him or anything, but I totally would have put him in a sketch.

Day 10 we were back at the Schmitt's Gay house and we shot three awesome sketches. It was a long and grueling day because the sketches we did were complicated, but they all three will hopefully turn out great. The last one we shot is definitely one of the grossest and weirdest things we've ever done. My mom hates "gross stuff" in comedy, so for the first season there were select sketches that I would tell her not to watch. This time around I'm not even going to tell her what channel the show is on.

Days 6 and 7 of Season 2 - Blood Feast (FROM TUESDAY)

2007-08-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

Okay so the last two days involved me having to spit up blood a couple of times and almost having a panic attack due to the costume I wore yesterday. Also naked boobs, a puppy, and me almost breaking my arm when I slipped in blood. The last two days were particularly hard on me, but the season is still gonna be totally awesome.

I'm too out of it and tired to write anymore. Sorry.

Double The Williamses!

2007-08-19T10:33:00.001-07:00

Well, my brother Andy officially moved here to NYC yesterday, which means he's sleeping on my couch. He's actually out here to go to school and will probably end up being disgustingly successful, but for right now he's on my couch. So anyways, if you see a guy around town that looks a lot like me, only with more brains and tattoos, that's him. We're gonna run this place!

Season 2 - Day 5

2007-08-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

Man, with the wrapping of each and every day I am getting more and more excited for Season 2. It's gonna be the balls!

Yesterday we shot one of our favorite live sketches which may be even better on TV and there were kids on set once again. So far we have lots of stuff with little kids which for some reason just makes everything seem more messed up. There was one kid who was like seven and kept calling me "Mr. Underwear." I think I'm gonna print business cards up to that effect.

Then all five of us went and saw "Superbad." Nothing could ever live up to the giant amount of hype this film has received. It's been lauded as the Second Coming of Laughs and it's gonna "change shit" and all that jazz.

I don't know about any of that, but it was really really funny and the best comedy I've seen in a long time. Worth every penny of your eleven dollars (when did that happen, by the way?).

There's so many good parts and funny lines that I can't really say which is my favorite, but that kid who plays McLovin is gonna be famous. He apparently won a contest to be in the movie and he knocks it out of the park. I thought I would hate that character because the previews made him look like that "nerdy gangsta" character that's in every fucking movie nowadays, but he was way more than that and totally funny throughout.

One thing I hated about it: people applauding lines they saw in the trailer. I mean, there was tons of laughing all the way through, but there was a marked rise in applause whenever something from the trailer happened. Good Lord, are we really there now? We're really just applauding for things we've seen or heard before? Should I start cheering every time I hear "stand clear of the closing doors please" on the subway? If I go to one more movie where this happens, I'm just gonna start watching Chinese bootlegs at home and say "fuck it" to the theater experience altogether.

On the way into the movie some kid recognized us as the Whitest Kids. She first noticed just me, and then she got more and more surprised as she slowly realized that we were all standing there.

I love how people are shocked and surprised when they find out we're actually all friends in real life. I think it kind of comes out in a lot of our stuff, but maybe not. Maybe they're surprised because we seem like such jerks when we "play ourselves" in sketches that they think we're like that all the time. Truth is, we ARE like that all the time, and the reason we hang out together is that no one else will hang out with us because we're so jerky!

Days 3 and 4 - Nerdiness and Laziness

2007-08-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Well, Season 2 is still going swimmingly (that means good)! Yesterday we shot in this huge loft in SoHo that ended up belonging to this really awesome comic book artist Adam Pollina! He used to draw X-Force! We also re-shot a sketch we originally meant to put in Season 1 but that didn't work out, but we have now figured out how to do it right so we can finally put it out there! I get to say "boobs" in it!

Today is Day 4 but I don't have to be there so I've been working on surpassing even my own high standards of laziness. I'm already used to waking up early, so when I woke up at 7 I was doing some cleaning and other chores, but since then I have mainly just been trying to break the record for Number Of Couch Naps In A Twenty-Four Hour Period. I think I'm already at four.

Don't forget to check our website daily for pictures from the set!

Day 2 of Season 2 - Children, Blood and Pizza

2007-08-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today Trevor and I were the only Whitest Kids on set because all the stuff we shot today featured little kids (we were both in a few things though). There are tons of kids in this season and most of those kids will probably never be allowed to watch the stuff they're in! Oops! Also there was a doggy and more blood!

You can look at a few pictures from set at our website.

On the subway ride home Trevor and I saw these two dudes carrying a big pizza box. WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD do these guys live in that is without its own pizza place? Is there actually a pizza-less neighborhood here? Or did they find a place so good that they will brave the subway to get this delicious pie despite the fact that it will probably be freezing cold by the time the MTA decides to move them to their destination?

Mysteries abound...

Season 2 - Day 1 in the can!

2007-08-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

Season 2- Day 1 in the can!

Well, we started the magical, mystical journey of Season 2 today. I only had to be in one sketch today (spoiler: it's mean-spirited and features Darren in a dress) and then I got to go swimming! The place we were shooting at had a pool. In fact, they had THIS pool:

You may recognize the house they're in at the starting from "Flower Monster" and "Get a New Daddy," and be prepared to recognize it a lot more!

I'll tell you more in a few days! Yow!

Scum and Villainy TOMORROW!

2007-08-11T10:44:00.001-07:00

This is, like, the best new comedy show, and this week it's extra best because I'm on it! this is the last social thing I will do before we start shooting season 2! Come send me off into the world of cross-dressing and the "C-word!"

SUNDAY AUG 12th:

Sean Patton - Host of The Tommy Danger Comedy Hour at Kabin. He's Intensely funny.

Jesse Popp - Appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and Hosts a good show at the Beauty Bar. Also a gentleman.

Pete Holmes - From VH1's "Best Week Ever" and Comedy Central's "Premium Blend." He is also a cartoonist for the New Yorker.

Devin McCracken - From Winnipeg, Canada the home of Niel Young. Brought you memorable comedy experiments like 'Drunk Improv' and 'The Death of Comedy'.

Timmy Williams - 1/5th of the Whitest Kids You Know. The naked one on the billboard.

All this and more.

Sun August 12th
8:00 Show
$Free
Pianos
158 Ludlow St @ Stanton
NYC

The End Times?

2007-08-10T19:09:00.001-07:00

Seems like August is always a good time to give the world a little status check and see if this is in fact the year that we all bite it. Past Augusts have given us earthquakes, hurricanes and blackouts. Every August is basically a little Armageddon Test. This August is being a little frisky though: mine collapses, bridge collapses, and Brooklyn tornadoes? Really? That's a lot of weird stuff for ten days. This might be the year.

Also, it is currently only 59 degrees here in NYC. What? What's going on? Did someone lose the playbook on August weather?

This post really doesn't make much sense, I know; I just wanted to point out that all these weird incidents really freak me out and make me think the end is nigh. If it is, that I should probably clean my room.

Blargh

2007-07-27T10:05:00.001-07:00

I'm still kind of sick. My head feels crazy.

I saw "The Simpsons Movie" last night. It's pretty good. I don't like it when people sing along to something they saw in the trailer for the movie, that's weird. That's like a fish singing about hooks when it's in the frying pan. Or maybe like talking about how refreshing this Pepsi you're about to drink is before you actually know how refreshing it is. Or maybe my head hurts and this doesn't really make any sense.

We added some more boobs to Season 2 yesterday. I can't wait to start filming.

Even if you don't read comic books at all, go out and find "Tales Designed to Thrizzle." It's a humor comic, and if you like my blog or Whitest Kids or laughing in general, you'll like that.

I think I'm gonna take it easy this weekend and learn how to do this:

Greg Jackson Snare Solo 2003

Add to My Profile | More Videos

The Angel of Death is ADORABLE!

2007-07-26T07:51:00.001-07:00

No scary scythe or skull face, no thrash metal music, just cuddles!

But seriously though, how fucking scary is this?

The Healing Power Of Magic And Robots

2007-07-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm almost done with this horrible sinus buggery. I'm about to turn in for a good night's sleep and then I think I'll be well enough tomorrow to re-enter society, and by that I mean buying comics, writing funny little plays with my friends, and drinking Kamikazes.

The orange juice, DayQuil, and well wishes certainly helped, but I am attributing most of the healing to the last Harry Potter book and the movie "Terminator 2." The Harry Potter book was a great ending to a really good series, and "Terminator 2" had Arnold Schwarzenegger shooting shotguns, which I think could heal just about anything. They should show that movie in cancer wards; I bet they'd be surprised at the results. It's that awesome. They do need to hurry up and make "Robocop Vs. Terminator" though. I already even wrote the theme, it goes "Bum bum bum baa baaaa, bum bum bum duh-duh-duh-duh-duh dunnnn, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh dunnnn" and then the titles come up in front of a huge blue fireball.

I guess I'd have to sing it for you for it to really make sense...

Runners-up for Most Helpful Recuperatory Aid include Gummi Army Men, my new CD "80s Metal Gold," and crazy fever dreams. It was a real team effort, good job gang!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMORRROOOOWWWW!

2007-07-24T16:12:00.001-07:00

Editor's Note: John wrote this, not Timmy. Timmy would NEVER call other comedians "dumb ass." Even though some of them are.

Hey Everybody,

KOH Comedy has been so rad lately. You need to come to the best comedy show, you barely know exists! John F. O'Donnell and Timmy Williams have been rocking their new characters: Jesus F. Christ and Alterboy Timmy. And the Comedians have been performing some of the most original, deeply funny stuff out there.

We are GEEKED TO THE MAX for this edition's COMEDIAN OF MERIT. It is the one and only, CLAUDIA COGAN. Her acerbic, cerebral, dry wit is comedy for the true comedy connoisseur.

Plus, as always, we put up 10 Comics off all levels. Some genius, some dumb ass, all TRYING THEIR BEST to entertain you!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Wednesday 7/25 8pm, 7:30pm sign up
Free
@ The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreekandthecave.com

Take the 7 Train to Vernon/Jackson

Take the G Train to 21st

Focus Hocus Pocus and Other Psychedelia

2007-07-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Trevor and I got into this 70s Dutch progressive pscyhedelic band Focus. They're the best. Listen to my profile song and think about opening a door between time and space and your consciousness while you listen to it. Or snacks. Either way will work. I think we're slowly becoming hippies. Trevor stopped wearing shoes, I have a stack of High Times in my bathroom, and now we're listening to trippy yodel-rock, which is totally outside of our normal likes (silly rap for him and silly metal for me).

Speaking of silly rap, karaoke finally got "This Is Why I'm Hot!" I'm going to sing it EVERY SINGLE WEEK until someone takes it out of the songbook.

I had a great dream last night. I was at this party with Jordan and Sam and we had a baby polar bear with us! It was adorable! Turns out we brought it to catch mice. I don't think polar bears have ever really seen mice, but this little guy was really excited about it! He wasn't very good though, so then we had to go get Old Faithful, Spaceship. She killed the shit outta those mice and then we had to leave.

Then I woke up and looked over and saw Spacehip licking her butthole. What a great first thing to see in the morning.

My cat's gross.

Pushing The Red Button

2007-07-10T13:19:00.001-07:00

Steam conceals the bounty hunter that I KNOW is behind me fractured and turned upside down and being pursued inside of a can containing twenty-five children while I hold three images of Jesus and the blisters grow jellybeans bursting from every orifice while the dripping cools me but the grip gets looser and looser by the second maybe a clown wig will do the trick but the dragon will still figure it out and now we're all holding hands inside of the balloon as the sour taste erodes everything.

We're all just a bunch of flies trying to figure out who Josh Duhamel is without being too gay about it.

Shows!

2007-07-10T13:18:00.001-07:00

Come see me!

TONIGHT:

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesdays @ 8:00 PM

July 10:
Heidi MacDonald (PW Beat)
& Timmy Williams (Fuse TV's Whitest Kids U Know)

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Check out our website:
http://www.popcultureshock.com/cbclub

Check us out on MySpace:
http://www.myspace.com/comicbookclub3

The show is sponsored in part by Midtown Comics
(www.midtowncomics.com)!

TOMORROW:
Kingdom of Heaven: Episode 10: The Reckoning.

COMEDY this Wednesday at 8pm. Of course the uber-fantastic Timmy and John are going to be there! (Also appearing will be Jesus F. Christ and Altar Boy Timmy)

Also, THE COMEDIAN OF MERIT is truly MERITORIUS. It's the one and only, REGGIE WATTS. He's won the very prestigious Andy Kaufman Award at The New York Comedy Festival, and he will blow your mind, SON...

plus,

TEN open spots, where Comedians of all levels perform the ART OF COMEDY!

Don't NOT come to this...

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

Wednesday 7/11 8pm, 7:30pm sign up

Free

@ The Creek and The Cave

10-93 Jackson Ave.

Long Island City, NY 11101

www.thecreekandthecave.com

Two Things Real Quick

2007-07-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Darren and I went to see "Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation." In 1982, a bunch of 12-year-olds were so jazzed by Indiana Jones' first movie that they reshot the whole thing themselves, shot for shot, with no budget! And it took seven years! And they have fire and stunts and costumes and everything! It's like an awesome love letter to an awesome movie, and the work and dedication that go into their remake is pretty much the most amazing and inspiring thing I have seen in a long time. You should definitely check this out if it plays anywhere near you (it's at the Anthology Film Archives here in NYC).

Also, on the Wikipedia entry for the Whitest Kids, this little tidbit can now be found in the history section: "Timmy recently announced that in December 2007 he will be receiving extensive plastic surgery on his belly and buttocks."

It's not true, but I'm going to leave it up there anyways.

Cape-Coddin' it

2007-07-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

Well I'm finally going to celebrate a 4th of July on Cape Cod this year. I have heard many a legend about their parties, and now it's time for me to add to the story by jumping naked over a fire or crashing a boat or something.

The new Ween E.P. "Friends" is pretty crazy. They have a straight-up 90s Techno song.

When a baby is being carried in one of those knapsack things that hang off the neck does it think it's flying?

I really am excited about Transformers.

When I woke up this morning there was confetti all over the floor. At first I was really excited because I thought that Spaceship had thrown a cat party, but then I remembered that I had done it myself at like 5 A.M.

Well, now it's time to catch the Chinatown bus to Partyville! Yeah!

Whitest Kids Stand Up Show Tonight! Free!

2007-07-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! There's no Whitest Kids show tonight because some of us are out of town, but in its place will be "The Whitest Kids U' Know Are Out Of Town So Here's Timmy And Sam And Some Other People Doing Stand-Up Show!" Sam and Timmy will be hosting a showcase of our favorite comedian buddies! And it's still FREE! So come on down!

With Baron Vaughn, Matt McCarthy, Pete Holmes, John F. O'Donnell, Greg Johnson and Alex Castle
Music by Jordan Cooper
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton)
8pm
FREE

Dust and Devo

2007-06-25T00:08:00.001-07:00

I will discuss those two things in an order opposite from which they were listed.

DEVO is the best band ever. I have known this since high school but have been re-learning this in the past month or so. I will re-educate everyone about this tomorrow at karaoke. The best thing about them is that their best songs are really weird and not singles or anything and just kind of sit in the middle of an album. "Whip It," for example, is not that great when compared to "Time Out for Fun" and "When We Do It," but is probably the only song of theirs that even has a chance of being in Guitar Hero. Speaking of GH, I have seen lists of many (but not all) of the songs included in Guitar Hero 80s, GH 3, and Rock Band. We're all gonna die.

So dust, yeah? Well, this evening after the WKUK show several of us ended up on a roof in Midtown and sat in deck chairs that, now having seen my clothing in good lighting, were apparently covered in some kind of weird white dust. I look like a mummy that loves ironic t-shirts.

More later?

Some things I did

2007-06-22T06:47:00.001-07:00

Hey look! Here's a couple videos that Jim Biederman (executive producer of the WKUK show and a bunch of other awesome things) and I did for Daily Motion Great Sketch Comedy Showdown Contest. It's this great thing where you submit funny videos that you make, and Jim looks at them. If he likes it, you get to go into development with him! He's worked on stuff like the Kids in the Hall and Tom Green, so he knows what's up! Check it out! And there'll be two more videos after this! Yeah!

Jim & Timmy Give Birth (to a Great Idea)
Uploaded by JimBiederman

Jim's Eyes
Uploaded by JimBiederman

My semi-bi-annual discussion of current music

2007-06-20T16:29:00.001-07:00

My bi-annual discussion of current music Okay, so I hardly ever pay attention to new music or bands, and despite being on Fuse I'm still not really sure about chemical romances or how you could get to Mars that fast. Every once in a while though, I do buy new albums, normally when they're by an old standard I can trust. For example, I definitely bought more than three albums last year, but I think I only bought three albums that were actually released in 2006. One of them was by Tool ("10,00 Days"), one by Andrew W.K ("Close Calls With Brick Walls"). and the other was by Slayer ("Christ Illusion") because I never get sick of them rhyming "revolution" with "pollution" on every one of their three thousand albums. Find something you're good at and stick to it, y'know? Anyways, it's not that I'm too "cool" for music or anything, I just really don't pay attention unless it's DragonForce, and one amazing magical band can only do so much.

But what all this babble is really about is: I got the new Marilyn Manson and White Stripes albums, and I think they both kick ass, and here's some more babble about that.

The White Stripes got big right as I moved to New York (maybe even because I moved here?), and I've always liked them. Like any annoying hipster, I didn't really listen to them that one year when they were HUGE, but I've always kept them on my radar. They have a great bluesy rock thing mixed with a little creepiness, and although what she actually does is up to debate, Meg White is adorable. But anyways their new album "Icky Thump" is awesome. I liked their last album too, but it was a departure, and this one is great because every song kind of changes it up while keeping up their old-school White Stripes sound, and they have bagpipes in a couple! And one song's about a junk sale! That's awesome.

Marilyn Manson, on the other hand, doesn't have any time to talk about antiquing on his new record "Eat Me, Drink Me." Late last year, some stripper CRUSHED this guy's heart and now he made a record about it, and although that's not at all a new subject for songwriting, he does it real real well. It's actually a little mellower than his last two albums. It kinda sounds like he tried to do a regular rock album as opposed to a metal one but still ran it through his Marilyn Manson filter. I love how he always changes up his style on every album. He's like the Gothic Beck. Anyways, the lyrics here are fucking GREAT. I'm not very good at intrepreting lyrics, but every song here seems to be either "love is horrible" or "women are evil." Or both. I think my favorite lyric so far is "love is a fire that burns down everything it sees." I rarely listen to people singing about bummers, but when I do, I want it to be awesome, and this is some of the best bummer music I've ever heard.

Okay, that's it. Now I'm off to see a Cracked Out and Reggie Watts show at a nightclub owned by the Polish mafia. Yeah, I don't know how that happened either.

Whitest Kids TONIGHT

2007-06-17T08:54:00.001-07:00

Hey! How you doin'? Come to the Whitest Kids' show at Pianos tonight! It's free! Let's have fun!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow in the Lower East Side)
8pm
FREE
With Craig Baldo, Sean Patton and Brendan and Jackson, the "90210 Twins."
Hosted by Seth Herzog

Opinions

2007-06-14T09:05:00.001-07:00

Some times I actually develop an opinion on something. Here now are some of those very opinions:

I've done some thinking, and this "Paris in jail" thing is NOT the most awesome thing that has ever happened. It sucks. You know why? Because she's on the front page EVERY DAY. She may be detained some where right now, which is funny, but she is still doing exactly what she did before: getting her precious attention from us while distracting the world from real problems with her whiny bullshit adventures.

Then again, the things we're being distracted from aren't exactly things I would pay attention to anyways. Why did this election start already? I'm burnt out on it and the election is still eighteen months away! I seriously do not care, and normally it takes me right up to Election Day to stop caring. I'm probably just going to write-in "The Highlander" like I do every year.

And why aren't the food and water systems on the space station working? Fox has the technology to track down and fire a guy that gave "Fantastic Four" a bad early review (didn't do squat to the guy that liked it) but we can't make sure the astronauts aren't thirsty? Priorities, folks!

They should have special mandatory sidewalks set aside for people over the age of 60.

I would be a great writer for "High Times." I hope you don't need a degree.

More hot women need to come to the Kingdom of Heaven show.

I'm done now.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMOROW!

2007-06-12T11:36:00.001-07:00

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Comedy Open Mic Super Hour
@The Creek and The Cave
8PM FREE
Hosted by John F O'Donnell and Timmy Williams
7 to Vernon Jackson
G to 21st street
www.thecreekandthecave.com

See TEN Comedians, some seasoned professionals, some brand spanking
new, spit jokes the way they are meant to be spat.
Followed, of course, by our COMEDIAN OF MERIT headlining the show with
the dopest Stand Up you're ever gonna experience.

HERE IS HOW YOU GET THERE IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARD OR FAR AWAY

7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson
Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five
blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. Please note that the V train does
not run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away
from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

These are a few of my new favorite things

2007-06-12T11:16:00.001-07:00

Here is a list of things that have awesomed up my life lately:

1. Carrots.

2. Nutella.

3. The wherewithal not to mix them together.

4. Listening to Anthrax constantly.

5. Listening to the Beach Boys whenever I'm not doing #4.

6. UNO!

7. Putting together Season 2. Y'all are in for some F'd-up S.

8. Meeting people from South Dakota. I've been here six years, and NOW they all start coming out of the woodwork!

9. My reinvigorated stand-up comedy. I'm still doing the same stuff I did before, but I have a new-found zest for it. Maybe it's all those carrots.

10. Whitest Kids fans are some of the sickest, ass-kicking motherfuckers around. Awesome every one!

Boombox 3.0

2007-06-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

Sorry if you clicked on this thinking that "Boombox 3.0" was going to be about my new hip-hop album of the same name being produced by the RZA. We're totally in talks for a collabo though.

No, I'm here to talk about the different ways Brooklyn citizens listen to music. Many people use iPods. Some people, a home stereo. Some people have invested so much money in their car's speaker system that even when they're not driving they'll just park their car, turn it on, pump the tunes, and be able to hear their sweet rockage up and down the block.

Not the guy in 1R though. No, my neighbor down in 1R has decided that all that shit is for pussies. 1R has created a new musical delivery system and I don't know how it can be beat. You wanna REALLY enjoy "Gasolina?" Here's how he does it:

1. Buy a bunch of sweet speakers and sub-woofers for your home stereo.

2. Insert latest Daddy Yankee album into the CD player.

3. Turn everything up as high as it can possibly go. If you do it right, you won't even be able to stand in the room without rupturing your ear drums and suffering a seizure.

4. Open your windows.

5. Now, STAND OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT AND ROCK OUT WITH YOUR NEW HOUSE-SIZED BOOMBOX!

The best part is, you don't even need a first-floor apartment to do this! Even if you live higher up, you can just stand on the fire escape!

This is for real, though. This dude from 1R stands outside ALL DAY and listens to his music. It's pretty incredible. I would try it, but I think the neighborhood is more comfortable with reggaeton than my Ween/Slayer megamix.

Taste the Rainbow

2007-06-11T08:14:00.001-07:00

It's Sunday. It's 11:30 or midnight or something. I don't know what time it is, leave me alone. You just had a great show, met some awesome fans, and are currently sitting in a little room at a bar and your table is covered in condoms. What do you do?

GIRLY SHOTS!

Darren and Melissa and Kate and Jordan and I were all that was left of a rather large cotterie of people that sat in one of those little rooms in the front of that bar Local 138. It was still pretty early, and to pass the time we decided to ask the bartender for the girliest shot he could think of.

He did a good job.

The shot was bright pink and tasted like strawberries. So did the six others that followed it. Why did we continue to drink these? I don't know. It was just like drinking liquid Jolly Ranchers. I probably shouldn't eat any sugar for six months now. We probably weren't even drunk so much as we had an insane sugar buzz. I drank a gallon of water and brushed my teeth nine times when I got home, and my mouth STILL feels like I made out with Strawberry Shortcake for nine hours. Not that I'm complaining.

When I looked in the mirror this morning my eyes were bloodshot but the veins weren't red, they were bright pink, and when I farted it played the "Rainbow Brite" theme.

Girliest drinks ever.

P.S. As usual, I just read over this post to check for errors (the one error I always forget to correct is clicking "post") and this post doesn't make any sense. Sorry.

More thoughts about non-thought-worthy things

2007-06-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

To the guy at Rififi who left his Polaroid camera out, thereby allowing Trevor and Zach and I to use up all of his film to take pictures of ourselves: Thank You.

To whomever or whatever it was that made Rififi smell like a cabbage made out of farts: No Thank You.

My supermarket has a very un-super cracker selection.

I would bet that most local pharmacies are like this, but I was at the drugstore today and I think I was the only customer that wasn't buying cigarettes and lottery tickets. I find it a little scary that those are the best-selling items at a drugstore. Maybe they use the smokes and lotto to lure people in to take advantage of their TWO-FOR-ONE VITAMIN SALE! That's why I was there! I now have more "Multi-Vitamins for Guys that don't like Vegetables or Cancer" pills than I'll ever need.

Paris Hilton screaming and crying while being driven back to the Slammer is one of the best things that's happened all year.

I have two cans of chili in my cupboard. I am perfectly capable of making my own chili (it's actually the best damned chili in America, thank you), but something intrigues me about the canned stuff. I think it's because when I was a kid, I watched the Dick Tracy movie with Warren Beatty all the time, and he eats chili out of a can in a few scenes. So maybe I'm just trying to be more like Dick Tracy. If that's the case, maybe I should just buy a yellow trenchcoat as opposed to eating chemical can-meat.

Ah, whatever. I've got those vitamins.

Hypnotic

2007-06-09T11:12:00.001-07:00

My new goal in stand-up is to have every one of my performances look like THIS:

MUST...WRITE...SOMETHING...

2007-06-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know. I feel like I really need, like have to, write right now, but I don't have anything really important to say, and I don't know why I have this insane urge to write. Maybe I just want to type. I like the sound it makes, and I do have a very comfortable keyboard, but if I just wanted to hear something cool and have my hands feel nice, why don't I just put on some Ween and pet the cat?

Should I type a joke? Should I complain about smells or cabbies? Should I share my chili recipe? What?

Or maybe I'm just feeling really insecure because I bought UNO for my Xbox 360 today. Yeah. That colored card game. No aliens or Nazis to shoot, no mind-bending graphics, just colored cards and disturbingly relaxing trumpet music. Playing that game is very calming and sedating, and what's even weirder is that I found people to play it with online! UNO!

Or maybe I want to type so bad because I need to move my fingers because I ate some Chef Boyardee today and all those crazy chemicals are making my fingers hyper!

Or maybe I should just let my fingers type on their own without my guidance and see if they type out some sort of message! Like a Ouija Board! Or a message from God! He would probably just tell me to quit talking about boobs so much though.

Or maybe I just need a real job.

Coming Soon...

2007-06-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

Or maybe instead of calling it an "autobiography" I can go this route:

Or this:

Or maybe I'll just go with this:

What do you guys think?

Brooklyn is Currently on High Surf Alert

2007-06-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

The weather man says it's raining so hard that we're currently on high surf alert. To celebrate, here are some High Surfers:

BE SAFE, EVERYONE!

Au Revoir

2007-05-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I had an exciting weekend and have all sorts of stories of little kid bands and Everything Parades and bubble tea and being "the guy in the t-shirt" at an engagement party and all sorts of other stuff to write about, but I can't because I have to go to Cape Cod right now! The Whitest Kids are headed up there to write for Season 2! And there won't be much, if any, internet access! So I'm definitely going to miss checking MySpace 2003243423 times a day, and I don't even know how I'll get by without going here everday!

But I think I'll be okay, as long as this place has a comic book shop and somewhere to buy tacos.

Don't let me down, Cape Cod...

See everyone in a week!

YES!

2007-05-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

This might be exactly what are country needs right now.

Awesome.

And, unlike "The Condemned," which I heard blew, this one looks like it may actually deliver the goods, and by "goods" I mean "anonymous soldiers getting their heads chopped off by an old man."

Suit-wearing

2007-05-14T23:36:00.001-07:00

I don't wear suits very often. I don't even wear pants unless I absolutely have to. This evening, however, I actually had occasion to wear a suit. So I did.

The Whitest Kids were invited to this big to-do about TV and ad sales or something. I don't know what the party was actually about, but there was free caviar and escargot and also free vodka. And the dude that plays Sawyer on "Lost" was there (HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT). So I wore a suit. I'm not going to let my aversion to wearing pants keep me from getting free food and seeing dudes from from the only TV show I watch that doesn't feature me and my friends making fart sounds.

Anyways, so yeah, suits. There's some things you can and cannot do while wearing a suit.

You CAN'T do rock jumps, because you don't want to split your pants.

You CAN look nice. Or at least presentable. Basically, when I wear a suit it makes people in my presence want to turn the lights off less.

You CAN'T take the subway home if it's past 1AM. People will probably fuck with you.

You CAN appear far more important/famous/sexy than you actually are.

I took a cab home tonight, and as I was sitting back there in my suit I started to wonder what the cabbie would think if I told him that the place we were headed to was not my home but rather the home of someone I had been hired to kill. If I was a dude that wore suits all the time, I would totally tell cabbies that constantly.

Next time I wear a suit (wedding/funeral/weird industry party), I'll totally try it.

Barbarism

2007-05-13T09:42:00.001-07:00

Well, I had a real lazy day yesterday. I managed to accomplish one or two small tasks for this week's Kingdom of Heaven (DO NOT MISS it, by the way), but other than that, it was mostly underpants and Xbox. Then at around 10pm or so, I decided that I liked hanging out in my briefs so much, I should watch a movie about people that share my interest! So I popped in "Conan The Barbarian."

Y'know, I forgot about 90% of this movie, but it all kicks ass!

First off, I just want to applaud Arnold Schwarzenegger for the confidence and ballsiness to make a movie about his run for governor TWENTY YEARS before it even happened! It's a pretty accurate depiction, too, and I was wondering how he got all those facts right decades before the actual event and then I remembered that he's actually a robot from the future, so he probably learned it in school! Duh, Timmy!

Also, there's a lot of crazy animal cruelty in this movie, some real, some special effects. Most people know about the famous camel-punching scene. If not, let me sum it up for you: he punches a camel! A real camel! And it falls down! Then he beheads a giant snake! And then, when he's tied to a tree and left for dead and a vulture starts picking at his shoulder, he BITES THE VULTURE'S NECK and kills it! They didn't show it, but I bet he stepped on tons of ants too.

And when he's not killing animals or other humans, he's touching boobs! I think Conan bangs about five different women in this movie, and then they show an orgy scene later on, just to make sure they've filled the audience's barbaric need for simulated sex.

Did you like that pun?

So anyways, I'm glad I watched it, because I really only remembered the part where James Earl Jones turns into a snake, and there is so much more to this wonderful piece of cinema history.

He punched a camel!

Power Rangers? Still?

2007-05-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I was surprised this afternoon to find that the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are still on TV. It even looks like they have more of a budget now, taking full advantage of CGI technology! One thing I really liked about it was that the good guys always announce what they're going to do right before they do it, such as saying "Tech Bot Activate!" and then they activate their Tech Bot (I don't know what that means or how you go about activating a Tech Bot, but they did it). I know this isn't something Power Rangers invented, but they are pretty good at it. I want to start doing that in comedy. That would be awesome! It would be like:

"Abortion Joke Activate!"

or, more likely,

"Awkard ten-minute set without jokes Activate!"

I was very disappointed to see that not only did this Power Rangers episode reference Scarface ("say hello to my little robot!") but it also had the token black guy on the team say "that was off the hook!" Does anyone say that anymore, let alone black guys?

After that was over, I was pleased to see that they still have that Saturday NBA news show hosted by Ahmad Rashad. I watched that religiously when I was little, and they STILL do it! I don't watch TV very much anymore, but it's nice to see that not much has changed since I was ten (except, of course, for the inclusion of my pale half-naked form in deep cable).

Big Whitest Kids news!!!

2007-05-11T11:15:00.001-07:00

Hey y'all! The Whitest Kids have been picked up for season two on Fuse! Yippee! Here's an article about it:

AWESOME!!!

Thanks to everyone who's been watching!

And here's an interview I did about the Whitest Kids for Trashwire:

Neat!

Get it together, New York City!

2007-05-09T23:34:00.000-07:00

I love New York. I really do. It's a great city, and it's been very good to me. I have bled and sweated and cried for this town, and in return it's given me a very awesome last couple of years. I think it's one of the greatest places in existence!

That being said, this town has been fucking retarded the last few days.

First off, why in the blazes can't I get a cell phone signal in BROOKLYN?!?!? Last night I was trying to text Shandi a very important answer to a very important Guitar Hero-related question, and my phone wouldn't send it out, despite showing full service. I tried to send it like eleven times and it never worked. Trevor was having the exact same problem! Then today I was talking to my mom and my phone dropped the signal like seven times in five minutes! Did someone activate some kind of anti-signal bubble this week that I wasn't informed of? The Center of the Universe, the Babylon of the 21st Century, the Financial Epicenter of the World, is RIGHT ACROSS THE RIVER, and yet we can't get decent cell phone service? Double you tee eff?

And then there was this "deli" that Trevor and I attempted to eat at in Williamsburg this afternoon. The sign said "Deli" and there were people standing outside of the place eating sandwiches, but when we went inside there were no menus anywhere, no people behind the counter, nothing that looked like sandwiches or sandwich ingredients behind the counter, and a big stack of canned tomatoes on a shelf! That was the only visible item, and they looked like they may have just been for display! Then we walked further back into the establishment and were in a weird empty bar kind of place with an old pizza sitting on the counter (also possibly for "display only"). I still have no idea what the hell that place was trying to be or where those people outside got their sandwiches. Maybe they brought the sandwiches from home because they knew they'd be hanging out at the non-deli.

So tonight we tried to go to a record release party as "VIPs." Krista was kind enough to get us in on the list, and they sat us in this "VIP" section on couches, which was cool. We got to soak in the feeling of seeming important for, oh, about two minutes when we got kicked off for not buying a bottle of gin. The same gin that was FREE AT THE BAR! Clever, club, very clever, but you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning, or offer me a big bucket of tacos, to pull one over on old Timmy Williams!

Can you tell that the person writing this hasn't smoked in nine days?

So anyways, it's not like I'm gonna move away or anything; I'm just saying that New York has been acting a little oafish lately. This city needs to awesome it up a little bit. I'm paying my rent on time and putting up with train delays; time to hold up YOUR end of the bargain, NYC.

Yeah, this whole rant totally screams "I'm quitting smoking."

Pills Time

2007-05-08T11:05:00.001-07:00

I'm going to buy some sleeping pills today and end it all.

Oh! No! Not like that! I meant my insomnia! I want to end my insomnia!

You see, lately I haven't been sleeping well at all and I don't know why. It takes me forever to fall asleep and I wake up really early. I was thinking that maybe quitting smoking and not drinking very much would help, but no dice. Maybe if I drank a LOT and then took some sleeping pills...no, wait. I don't want to sleep that well.

Maybe I should rig up one of those Fred Flintstone-style bowling ball alarm clock things, but just use it to put me to sleep rather than wake me up.

Yeah. I think I'll do that.

Cabbies. Plastic. Beer flies.

2007-05-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

I know this is teetering on the Seinfeldian, but I'd like to complain about cabbies and their wireless cellphone headsets for a little bit. Whenever these guys use these little things to contact whatever non-America they're from, it distracts them from listening to my directions. My apartment isn't too hard to get to, and I normally give pretty detailed directions right when I get in. Last night though, this guy was too busy chit-chatting in some crazy language instead of listening to me when I told him which street to turn onto off of Greenpoint Ave. So instead of asking me, he just sloooowly creeps down Greenpoint as BICYCLES PASS US, until I tell him where to turn. I don't even know what he was trying to do, but it made me mad and I wanted to write about it.

Okay. Now on to the plastic. I buy my cat, Spaceship, new toys every once in a while, but like a toddler playing with the box his Christmas present comes in, she's more into the simple pleasures. Last week I purchased an Xbox 360, FOR HER, and she instead just plays with the little plastic tie thing that held the controller in there (it's like those little plastic things the cops use when they think the person they're arresting is too poor for actual handcuffs). So now I'm stuck with this amazing video game system that my cat won't even play with! Luckily I found that they have a number of entertaining titles for humans as well, so I do partake from time to time, particularly in the title in which you drive a car as fast as you can into an intersection and try to cause as much damage as possible. Quite exhilarating.

I had a kegger a few weeks ago. It was a smashing success, and by that I mean "way too many people showed up, the beer was drank way too fast, and I didn't get to eat any of the huge sandwich that I bought." It was seriously a lot of fun though, and the night ended with Shandi soundly defeating a bottle of Jameson and locking several of the Whitest Kids out onto the fire escape. Even though the keg was emptied that night, I for some reason decided to take it back to the beer store TODAY. This was a mistake, especially because I had it sealed in a Tupperware trash can this whole time, and when I opened the can, I was met with a most unwelcome odor and an even more unwelcome CLOUD OF BUGS! Where did these bugs come from?!? I think they were born out of the bad beer! Are they the same kind of bugs that fly out of sack of rotten bananas? Should I grow an army of these bugs and then attempt to conquer Brooklyn? Hard-hitting questions, yes, but questions that MUST be asked.

I can't believe I just wrote that much about three stupid subjects. I'm gonna go pet Princess some more.

Soooooo manly.

2007-05-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

I am holding a tiny little chihuahua named Princess in my left hand while I type this from an adorable British fabric store.

I am the echelon of masculinity.

More later regarding plastic, cabbies, and bugs created by old beer.

The State of the Galaxy

2007-05-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

Y'know, with all these stories of NASA astronauts trying to kill eachother lately, I've become awfully worried that our society is moving far too quickly towards becoming "Star Wars."

And now we're one step closer.

What will we have next, intelligent-yet-spunky little droids running around?

Oh shit.

I Quit Quitting Quitting

2007-05-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

What I mean is, I've quit smoking again. I'm on Day 3.

The first time I quit was for an entire year. During that time, I had an office job at which I sat on my ass all the time, and I ate lots and lots of food whenever I wanted a cigarette. Now, I may have already had some pizza and ice cream today, but I by no means have been gorging like I did the first time I quit smoking, and I've already been walking about 30 or 45 minutes every day since I quit, so I think my Chubby Level will remain at "Adorable" and hopefully won't ever venture into "Gross."

Also, I now have an Xbox, which I can play whenever I want to smoke. In fact, I think I actually bought the Xbox when I wanted a cigarette the other day. Maybe if I really want one later on I'll buy something else cool, like a TV, or a bullet-proof vest.

A few other things will also help me quit this time around. Firstly, it's been real nice outside lately, and I always feel worse blowing smoke into a clear blue sky than I do into a rain cloud. I mean, the storm clouds already look like smoke anyways, so who cares? Right? Right?

Also, I have enough friends that don't smoke now, and I can hang out with them. About 99% of the comedians I hang out with smoke, though, so I guess that means I'll be chilling with the karaoke kids exclusively for a while until I kick the habit.

Congratulations, comedy friends!

Naked Party 2007!

2007-05-03T11:54:00.002-07:00

So tonight brings us the very first "Tops or Bottoms" party at Plan B. Basically what's going on is this: Shandi and Jesse are DJing their normal "Dang!" party, but if you show up lacking pants and/or a shirt, you get some sort of drink special or something. I believe that underwear is preferred, but I bet it won't go more than an hour or so before private parts start flying around the room.

I actually need to go shopping for some black socks to complete my "outfit." That's weird. I NEVER buy clothes but now that I'm going to one that emphasizes the removal of clothing, I'm gonna go buy some. That's crazy!

Okay, I'm Back

2007-05-03T11:54:00.001-07:00

Yeah, I haven't written a proper blog in a while. How dare I? Here's some excuses:

My friend Amber visited for a week and we spent most of the time eating way too much, and then walking it off, and then eating more. It worked out pretty well.

Also, I bought an Xbox 360. All five Whitest Kids have one now, and we're probably gonna start writing sketches while we play "Call of Duty 3." Expect every new sketch from here on out to be about World War II.

Also, it's been criminally nice outside. I live in a pretty good "walkin' around" neighborhood, so I enjoy strolling through Greenpoint, taking in the various smells (normally either poop, bread, or fire) and watching the old drunks hobble around until the bar opens. It's lovely.

Also, I spent one evening watching the auto shop across the street burn to the ground. That was crazy!

Also, I've been napping a lot. There' really not anything funny I can say about that. It's actually kind of sad.

I know that none of these are very good excuses. I wish I could say something like "I didn't write a blog for a week because I was skydiving with Sean Connery" or something, but I can't lie to you guys. I just love you too much.

Me and Andrew WK talking about comics! LIVE!

2007-04-24T01:09:00.001-07:00

This will be one of the crowning achievements of my life thus far. I not only get to go talk about comic books in front of a live audience, but I also get to do so with one of the coolest rocker/lecturers out there, Andrew W.K.! And to top it all off, I get to read a bunch of comic books tonight (in order to prepare for the show) and pretend that it's work! Yeah!

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesday, April 24th @ 9:30 PM

Andrew W.K. (The Wolf, Party Hard)
Timmy Williams (Whitest Kids U Know, Fuse TV)
& Musical Guest Leslie Korein!

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Things I have learned since my last blog posting

2007-04-24T01:02:00.000-07:00

Hot green tea with honey and a slice of lime is way better than hot green tea with honey and a slice of lemon.

My cabbie Rauf also went to Brooklyn College. He didn't drop out though.

Boris Yeltsin is NOT invincible.

Honduras is full of little kids with handguns.

I will probably suffer a massive heart attack and die tomorrow at about 9:35 PM.

That last sentence will only make sense after reading the posting that I am going to put up right after this one.

If you take one pasty dude and put him on a beach in South America for five months and take another pasty dude and stick him in Brooklyn for the same amount of time, the dude in South America will probably end up being much tanner than the dude in Brooklyn. He will also probably be married to a Briton.

My friend Amber is visiting soon and we're going to conquer Greenpoint.

Gatorade is delicious.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN STARTING LATE TOMORROW!

2007-04-17T13:13:00.001-07:00

Hey y'all, the Kingdom of Heaven, Queen's BEST comedy show, is starting late tomorrow. The show will start at 10, and if you wanna perform, show up at 9:30 to sign up! Please know that we will only let 10 open-mic'ers perform. You must sign up at 9:30! Okay?!?!?!?!?!?

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
Wednesday, April 4th
10pm, Open Mic sign-up at 9:30
FREE
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
www.thecreekandthecave.com

How do yo get there?

Take the sweet SUBWAY!

G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south
(away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto
Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave.
Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783

Best movie poster ever?

2007-04-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

I'm a smart guy, but when it comes to watching movies, I want shit to be as dumb as possible. There's this movie coming out called "The Condemned" that I think will fit the bill very nicely. It's about "Stone Cold" Steve Austin being dropped on an island with a bunch of other badasses and they have to kill eachother for some kind of reality TV show. Sounds awesome, right? Check out how sweet the poster is!

If this doesn't make you want to immediately see this work of art, then I don't know why you even read this thing. Good day.

Also, any film containing the following image automatically gets my money:

I really, honestly, cannot wait.

Cramps

2007-04-13T17:14:00.001-07:00

I bet after reading that title you all thought I was gonna talk about having a period, thereby finally revealing that I am a hermaphrodite, huh?

Nope.

This is about apartments.

Here in New York City, space is a precious commodity. When looking for a new place, you spend tons of time and energy and money over every square inch you can get, trying to find, as Carlin put it, "a place for your stuff."

Now I've actually been pretty lucky in that regard. I currently have a beautiful apartment with lots and lots and lots of space, but once again, as in every place I've ever lived in this fair city, I also have tons of space where I really don't want it...

WHY ARE THESE GODDAMN CEILINGS SO HIGH?!?!? I HAVE TO CHANGE TWO LIGHT BULBS BEFORE THE WHITEST KIDS COME OVER TO HELP ME DRINK THIS FRIDGE FULL OF BEER I HAVE ACQUIRED, AND NOW I HAVE TO "MACGUYVER" TOGETHER SOME KIND OF BIZARRE CONTRAPTION JUST TO ENSURE THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO DRINK LIKE THE CAVEMEN DID?!?! AND WHY AM I SO GODDAMN SHORT ANYWAYS?!?!? I COULD REACH THE LIGHTS EASILY IF I WASN'T SOME BIZARRE HOBBIT-TYPE PERSON! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

I guess it's not all that bad. Even if we have to drink in the dark, the beer will still be cold, an amenity the cavemen never got to experience. Actually, they never got to experience beer at all. They probably just drank stegosaurus blood or something when it was time to party.

Well, it's time to begin duct-taping my pliers to my mop now.

Gee Whiz

2007-04-12T12:59:00.001-07:00

Well, my birthday was awesome. I managed to make it last from exactly 12 AM to about 5 AM the next day. I got a lot of toys, a lot of cupcakes, and a lot of booze. Enjoying them all at once is a pretty awesome thing to do.

Now I'm just sitting here reading an AWFUL script that I'm gong to audition for when I really should be reading "Cat's Cradle." Kurt Vonnegut died today, so I'm going to re-read it, and then read one of his that I haven't yet. Suggestions are welcome.

There's really only two kinds of things that I read anymore: comic books and stuff by Vonnegut or Hunter Thompson. Now that both of them are gone, I suppose I'll have to slow down on reading their stuff so that I can still be reading books of theirs for the first time five years from now. I mean, re-reading things is fun too, but nothing beats discovering new prose by one of the old masters for the first time, and I want to still be doing that in my thirties.

It sucks that now both he and Hunter Thompson are gone. I know they both started their careers in their youth, and I've read their early stuff and it was great, but they became these awesome cantankerous geniuses as they aged. My grandfather Jerry was the same way (without the copious amounts of booze, drugs and cigarettes), and he's gone too. The world is running out of coots. Crazy old men are so much more interesting than crazy young men, and I can't wait until I become the former. I'd better start toning down the latter so I can get there.

R.I.P. Mr. Vonnegut.

A pretty good 24 hours

2007-04-09T15:02:00.001-07:00

Well, my last day was pretty good. I found out that the video game "Rock Band" will be released in late 2007. It's like "Guitar Hero," only you can play guitar, bass, drums and VOCALS! And you can play it ONLINE! It's gonna end all of our social lives.

Then I got to spend some quality time with someone I haven't had much quality time with lately, and that was awesome. We played pool and ate sandwiches. We're much better at one than we are at the other. Guess which one.

Then came the only black mark on an otherwise spotless day: my stand-up. I don't know what it is, but I really felt uncomfortable and weird about my set. People were laughing okay, but it was weird. Jordan mentioned that it had something to do with the room being too well-lit, stating that people don't like to laugh in the light, because then other people will see them losing control. That sounds crazy but I think he may be onto something.

So now I'm sitting at home preparing for an audtion, and the character I'm reading for has a description that is probably how people describe me when I'm out of earshot. I would print it here but the script is like super secret or something. Anyways, I feel good about it. I basically just have to walk in there and be Timmy.

So that's all good, right? Then I check out iTunes and find a NEW SONG BY DRAGONFORCE! And I turn 26 at midnight! Holy shit! Awesome!

HAY GUISE I'M DOING STANDUP LOL!!!

2007-04-08T01:30:00.000-07:00

Hey! Who wants to come see me doing standup on Easter Sunday?!??!? I do! That's why I said "yes" when they asked me to do it!

The Beauty Bar Comedy Show
Hosted by the illustrious Jesse Popp and Vince Averill, who is totally illin
With the Blerds and Timmy Williams

BEAUTY BAR
9:30 pm
231 E 14th Street between 2nd & 3rd
FREE

Plus, if you come, I will give you a piece of Easter candy. Seriously. Just mention this and I'll give you one. It'll be good.

I must be pretty secure in my manhood...

2007-04-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

...because if I wasn't, I would probably be having a problem with the fact that I'm currently eating Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream and watching "Kill Bill."

Alone.

With my cat.

Well, last night was pretty good

2007-04-06T14:48:00.001-07:00

I went on my friend Jimmy's radio show and was given the radio nickname "Broomsticks Basket." My catch-phrase was "I'm gonna weave you a new one!"

I saw "Grindhouse" which was totally awesome. I liked Tarantino's part the best. He's good. There was a stupid fat guy sitting behind me who kept saying stuff like "That bitch gonna die" and "She's a standard ho," which were both pretty obvious statements. He might as well just have yelled "I'm at a movie right now!"

I went to Plan B for Shandi and DDrej's DARN! Party and the bartender Emily kept giving me Dewar's on the rocks. "Dewar's on the rocks" is apparently her nickname for me. She has not yet issued me a catch-phrase.

Shandi and Sam and I then went to Pianos for after-hours Guitar Hero. This was a good idea. We also drank more. This was a bad idea. My friend Alex showed me a picture of his new baby, who is adorable. Adorable babies are a great idea.

When I woke up this morning, my nose felt really weird. It itched really bad and I kept feeling like I had to sneeze, but I couldn't. After an hour of this torture, I decided to send in a probe (my index finger) and pulled out a very long cat hair. Thanks, Spaceship. Way to help your master deal with a hangover, buddy. I guess it could be worse, as one member of my partying party is way more hungover than me. You can read her blog if you want to know more about that though.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

2007-04-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
Wednesday, April 4th
8pm
FREE

It's called: THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN comedy open mic super hour, and it's happening for the third time this Wednesday! Showtime 8pm. Singup 7:30pm
FREE FOR ALL!

It's run by TIMMY WILLIAMS (HBO Aspen Comedy Fest. Whitest Kids You Know on Fuse) and JOHN F. O'DONNELL (Comedy Central's FRESH FACES of Comedy, CHECK YOUR COOL at the Parkside Lounge)

It's a bi-weekly open mic that cultivates sweet up and comers and then showcases a sweet comedian of merit at the end.

Our third comedian of merit? He lives in California usually!

Anthony Jeselnik
(Comedy Central's Premium Blend, ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live, NBC's Last Call With Carson Daly)

Where's it at?

The greatest place EVER.:
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
www.thecreekandthecave.com

How do yo get there?

Take the sweet SUBWAY!

G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783
Love,

John F. and Timmy

www.myspace.com/timmyandjohn

Stone Phillips' Purple Skirt and LIES

2007-04-03T01:48:00.001-07:00

Okay. So, tonight the Whitest Kids went to this fashion show called Dressed to Kilt. It was a Scottish-themed show that benefits a few charities, and there were lots of guys modeling kilts and hot ladies modeling kilts and generally lots and lots of kilts in attendance. Our publicist got us tickets to the event because it gave us the chance to go through a press line and get our picture taken a whole bunch and talk to some news shows. To convince us to go, we were told that Sean Connery (father to Indiana Jones) would be there.

This was a goddamn lie.

I'm not saying I didn't have a good time. There was tons of free good scotch there, and I got to see Donald Trump, Michael Strahan, Billy Boyd (a hobbit) and some other people. Also, Donald's daughter Ivanka Trump was there, and she was modeling some tartan kilt/dress thing, and she's totally smoking hot. I never thought she was before, but in person, it's ridiculous. And oh yeah, Stone Phillips was there, and he modeled a purple kilt. That was just fucking surreal.

But NO SEAN CONNERY! None! Not even any pictures of him hanging up on the walls or anything! The worst part was, we didn't know that he wasn't coming until the end of the show, so when we were talking to the reporters we kept talking about how excited we were for Connery, and they probably all thought we were crazy! NO SEAN CONNERY!

I did get lots of free scotch and possibly tried haggis (not sure what was on that cracker) for the first time though, so that's pretty cool.

Randomnessness

2007-04-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I could do to get thrown into Russian prison (the Gulag). Any suggestions?

At Subway today some dude was having an argument with his co-worker over their annoying Nextel walkie-talkie things. Having a guy standing next to you screaming over a phone about what kind of bread to get his Subway Club on is bad enough, but throw in the "buh-beep!" sound every three seconds and it's poke-your-eyes-out-tastic!

I fell off the wagon* again recently. It's happened so many times now that I actually have a spot shaped just like me on the road, and I fit right in there!

There is a strong possibility that I will get to touch Sean Connery this evening.

I bought jeans at a dollar store today. That's right kids! Work real hard for years, get yourself on television, and soon, you too could be purchasing irregular Lee's while listening to "New York's NEW Soft Music Station" being pumped into the store at maximum volume! Yeah!

I have a dress form in my house right now. I found it in my hallway. For those who don't know, a dress form is a headless mannequin torso on a stick, and anyone who has one in their house that doesn't sew (me), is a total creep. I'm just keeping it here until my friend that sews comes and picks it up (doesn't mean I'm not a creep though).

Today my "to-do" list included wrapping a present, buying cheap clothes, doing laundry, downloading some Aerosmith (for karaoke purposes only), telling someone not to "jeopardize Sean Connery for a girl" and drinking some vanilla milk.

Things are going really well so far (the milk is delicious and "Love in an Elevator" is 90% complete).

*The smoking wagon. Sorry, Mom.