By the way...

Three days ago I predicted that Britney Spears will be dead by this time next year. After keeping a close eye on her story these last few days, I would like to amend my prediction to the following:

Britney Spears will be dead by this time IN MARCH.

Thank you.

What I've been up to today

- Spending almost as much time considering picking up a real book as I have reading comics. I think it may be time to start reading books without picture of guys in capes in them again. Maybe.

- Searching Ebay for things like "Star Wars Diaphragm" and "weird pants." Both searches proved to be fruitless.

- Writing what may be my favorite Whitest Kids sketch ever today at Trevor's house. I think we may have outdone ourselves in dumbness. I'm really excited. Anyone who misses this week's show (Sunday, Pianos, 8, free) is a goddamn fool. Fuck the Oscars.

- Eating food from Acapulco Deli. This is a great little place in Greenpoint that serves pretty delicious Mexican and American food at a very delicious price. I'm pretty sure that Trevor (who lives three blocks away from me) and I keep their delivery service in business by ourselves. Yesterday I discovered that the restaurant is literally two blocks away from me, but I still order delivery anyways because those guys look so adorable on their bikes (hence the gut)!

- Wanting to smoke really bad but not smoking. It's been a week. I wish I had something funny to say about this but it's hard to write without smoking (maybe I should have thought this "quitting" thing through more).

- Trying to figure out what exactly my cat is looking at.

No Pants Week '07

So this week finds me "between projects." The Whitest Kids have been really busy lately, and this week is going to be a little more easygoing. That's why I have decided not to put on a pair of pants all week. Sure, I'll need to wear them sometimes; for instance, I just got food delivered, so I put on some jeans. The guy's riding his bike through the blistering cold to bring me my stuffed shells. He doesn't need to see my thighs. But now that he's gone, I'm taking them off. I'm still going to do stuff, it just that "do stuff" doesn't include "wear pants" this week. It's going to be great.

So far all I've done is read an article on CNN about Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

Thoughts while walking home at 3:32 A.M.

And I thought I was done peeing on subway platforms!

My iPod Shuffle LOVES Stevie Wonder.

I should patch up these jeans.

Britney Spears will be dead by this time next year.

I'm a lucky son of a bitch.

I need to spend more time with my Wii.

The only function that the rug in my kitchen has served so far is as another place where Spaceship can hide kills.

Shandi and I should become the new lead singers of System of a Down (mainly because we destroyed one of their songs at karaoke tonight, but also because we're not as annoyingly political and are less unkempt-looking).

This walk home is taking FOREVER! I've already had eight thoughts!

If I were a bum, I would use all my spare change at a 99-cent store and get a bunch of those shitty hats and gloves.

Whitest Kids Tonight!

Hey there! The Whitest Kids U' Know are doing a show at Pianos tonight and we would really love for you to come. We miss you. We'll be doing some sketches, showing video, and spreading our message of love! Come on down!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
with Greg Johnson and Dan Newbower
hosted by Brett Gelman
PIANOS (158 Ludlow, corner of Stanton and Ludlow)
8pm
FREE

Three things on the ground.

THING #1

I normally don't look at the sidewalk very often when I'm out walking around. There's too many other things to see, like boobs, or puppies. All this changed last night, though, as I was walking around Union Square, listening to Styx and basically enjoying my evening, when I caught a guy in my peripheral vision that appeared to be saying something to me. I wrote him off as a crazy bum (an important skill to master here) and continued my Styx Journey (which is probably much better than a Journey Journey). About half a block later, this same guy stopped me in my tracks by jumping right in front of me. I figured that he had now earned my attention, be him crazy bum or not, so I turned off my iPod shuffle (which I was 100% sure was about to be stolen) and asked him "what's up?"

"You have to respect me (not true)."

"Excuse me?"

"You have to watch where you goin' man."

"Oh, sorry."

"You hafta watch where you goin'."

"Sorry."

"I said you hafta watch where you goin'."

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"Respect me."

"Okay!"

"You stepped on two glass vials back there that belonged to me."

"Sorry."

I walked away after that.

Okay, so my bad; he wasn't a crazy bum. He was a crazy CRACKHEAD, and of course, being a crackhead, he figures that it is not his fault that he stored his crack in a place where it could be easily tread upon (the sidewalk), but rather my fault for not seeing his poorly-placed vials of illegal narcotics while walking, quite legally I might add, in the designated walking area (the sidewalk). Fuck that guy. After he left I wanted to find a cop and get this asshole arrested but then I remembered two things:

A. Putting that guy in jail wouldn't help a goddamn thing.

B. Styx has been on pause this whole time!

THING #2

Today I was walking home and I saw a half-finished cigarette laying there on the sidewalk, still smoking. I looked around for the smoker, figuring they would probably be close by given the recently-dropped-ness of the cigarette, but there was no one else around at all; no doors closing, no cars just starting, nothing. Creepy. Maybe I have a tail (not like a cute little boney thing covered in fur, but like a spy following me around; actually, I do have a cute boney thing, but it's not covered in fur [or little, motherfucker]).

THING #3

After the crackhead incident last night I was on my way to Pianos and I saw a guy across the street salting the sidewalk. Now, it's been cold here for a while, but we have only gotten about .00000003 inches of snow this whole winter, and we hadn't had a flake in days, so I had no idea what this guy was up to. I stopped thinking about it, went home, ate half a sandwich, went to bed, woke up, did things, and then it was snowing! That guy knew the whole time!

Good job sir. You probably had the driest sidewalk this side of the Mississip.

You're probably saying to yourself "why the amazement, Timmy? The dude probably just checked the weather forecast or something." I'll have you know that I don't believe in weather forecasts because I don't believe that there are certain individuals out there with magic weather-predicting abilities. Or at least I didn't used to. Now I'm not so sure.

I AM SOOOO SORRY

My computer hadn't been letting me access my Blogger account! I figured it out now though! I was updating my MySpace blog though, so you can check there, or to more easily find out what has been going on with in the past 10 days, just do a Google News search for the words "Whitest Kids Bud Light." Trust me.

What the fuck, Greenpoint?

Greenpoint, what the fuck?!?
Where's the pizza at? The one place I found that would deliver last night was TERRIBLE. I think they actually just put tomato paste on a big cardboard circle and then waited for an hour after I ordered it and then brought it to my house. What the shit?

So now I'm hungry again, but I'm not gonna eat the cardboard TRAVESTY leftovers. Oh no. I think I'll walk down to the place that makes like 100 different kinds of sandwiches. One of them is Tuna and Apples. I don't even know if tuna and apples have ever met before but I might try that sandwich anyways.

Last night I stayed in due to the drunkenness I accumulated the night before. I watched "Jurassic Park 2" and part 3! They're not THAT great, but, really, any movie with dinosaurs in it is gonna be pretty good. The movie can still be filled with ridiculous bullshit (JP2), but as long as it has dinosaurs, it's still better than most movies. Here are some examples of the movies that "Jurassic Park 2" is better than:

"Citizen Kane"
"Star Wars"
"The Godfather"

Yeah, it's better than all of those, and for the same reason: DINOSAURS.

This blog just reached a new level of retardery. Time for an Apple-Tuna Surprise-wich (I wish that's what they were actually called).

NOTE: Sometimes I write blogs on my MySpace and don't include them on here. You may wanna check my MySpace blog every once in a while to make sure you're getting ALL the action, but then again, none of it is very good, so don't worry about it.

Come see the Whitest Kids tonight! FREE!

Hey everybody! The Whitest Kids U' Know are performing at Pianos tonight for absolutely FREE! We're performing some new sketches, showing videos, and some of our comedian buddies will be there too!
Come on down and then let's all go play Hide N' Seek somewhere!

The Whitest Kids U' Know w/Eric Slovin, Josh Zepps and Nick Stevens
PIANOS (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton in the LES)
8pm
FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
TONIGHT

Yay!

What an awesome day!

I woke up in a great mood even though my power was off! Then the Whitest Kids went and did an interview with Sirius Satellite Radio! It was really fun! I got to say "fuck" on the air! Then Trevor and Sam and I each bought the Indiana Jones and Jurassic Park trilogies! Now we all own the best movies of all time! Then we went to eat lunch at The Hawaiian Tropic Zone Restauarant! It's this theme restaurant where the theme is "Girls Are Hot!" Every waitress is a babe in a bikini! It's like a strip club for people that think ogling and hitting on women is okay when they're wearing next to nothing as opposed to nothing! And then Trevor and Sam and I proved how much we respect women by not ogling or hitting on anybody! We're classy! Now we're gonna watch "Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade!" Then I'm gonna go compete in a Guitar Hero tournament! And probably lose!

Awesome day!

Wednesdays are awesome

Wednesdays are pretty awesome. It's the day of the week that new comics come out, my karaoke hangover is normally gone by then, and also "Lost" is on then. Also girls are just a little bit hotter on Wednesdays. I don't know why but it's true.

And here's one reason THIS Wednesday will be awesome!

The Whitest Kids U' Know have a show tomorrow night at Comix (14th St & 9th Ave)! We'll be doing some of our favorite live stuff and showing some NEVER BEFORE SEEN videos from the upcoming Fuse tv show! Also they'll be filming part of the show for some trailer they'll be showing at Clearview Cinemas all over the country! That's crazy! Anyways, come on out and after we'll drink cosmos or something! Yeah!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
COMIX (14th & 9th)
Wednesday, January 24th
8pm

Nope, it wasn't another amusing thought, it was just shameless self-promotion. Gotcha!

After that, come with me to the new Gallery bar on Orchard St. for my friends' party! DJs Shanthrax and DDrej are gonna tear it up. I'm sure they have some cool name for the party like "Dagnabbit!" or "Shucks!" but I don't know what it is, so let's just call it "Partytime 2007."

Cool. Thanks.

I don't know...

So as I'm walking up to my apartment just now, I held the door to my building open for a little old lady. I thought that maybe she lived inside but she actually just was looking for a doorway to pop her head into so she could light a cigarette. I still can't decide if that was a good deed I did or not.

Now that MySpace is in Australia or whatever, the "Favorites" link on their menu bar now says "Favourites." What happened to holding your ground and being FUCKING AMERICAN, MySpace? Huh?

Eddie Murphy has been nominated for an Oscar. Those tiny scampering and splashing sounds you hear are the rats jumping off the ship.

In general, my gut reaction to the Oscar nominations is just simply "NO."

In other words, I can't believe they didn't nominate "Happy Feet."

I'm doing standup TWICE tonight!

New York Comedy Club Open Mic
7pm
241 E 24th St (between 2nd &3rd)
I'm not sure of the cover or drink minimum, but this is a regular comedy club so there probably is one. If I can get five people at least to come, it'll make me look awesome and make Sean Murphy happy. It's an open mic, but you'll see myself and Sean perform so it's worth it. and then:

Beauty Bar Comedy Night
9:30pm
14th between 2nd and 3rd
This is my buddies Vince and Jesse's show at Beauty Bar. I did it last month and it's really fun! And FREE!

Way to respect the dead, CNN.

Read the top headline on their website.

In case they've changed it, it said "24 U.S. Toops Killed in One Day."

That's right.

Toops.

Children of DragonForce

Yeah that title doesn't really make much sense, I was just trying to sum up the things I'll be discussing here.

So I saw that movie "Children of Men" yesterday, and I have officially decided that I really like it. It had some of the most suspenseful chase kind of stuff I've seen in a movie for a while and was very creatively done, and there were boobs in one part. And lots of guns. That's pretty much all I need to like something, but that one really did it for me. And I like that pretty much the whole movie was gray but still looked nice.

Now to explain the other part of the title of this post: DRAGONFORCE IS COMING TO TOWN MARCH 1ST! For those that haven't experience me writing and/or talking about them incessantly, DragonForce is a sweet and ridiculous metal band with some of the best guitar solos you've ever heard in your life. I'm not a "metal head" really (well, maybe a little), but I enjoy the metal bands out there that enjoy themselves and like to sing about dragons and warrior blades and stuff but don't take it too seriously, because, c'mon...it's about dragons. Why take that seriously? But anyways, I saw them last May and their live show is NOT TO BE MISSED. There's lots of jumping (off of specially placed jumping platforms) and drinking and screaming and playing bitchin' guitar solos, and I've heard that they have since added hot girls (picked from the audience in each town) on trampolines! Basically, anyone that doesn't want to come see this with me is a pussy. It's that simple. So yeah, let's go see that.

Also, if you've never been to this website and have a job where you sit at a computer and can listen to music, or if you sit at home on the computer a lot, you need to go. You can create your own radio station and it will pick stuff that it thinks you might like. If you don't like it, you can punch it in the face.

I actually made that last part up, but I'm betting you'll be able to punch the internet in the face some day soon. It's the future!

Backwards Land

So now that I've spent a few weeks in my apartment, I've noticed a few weirdnesses about it. Many of them have to do with things being backwards. I'm scared.

To turn my oven off, you have to turn the knob to 375. Turning it to "OFF" makes it very very warm (probably about 375 degrees).

In my bathroom, cold water comes out of the "Hot" faucet and hot water comes out of "Cold."

My neighbor gets his mail in my mailbox, and I get mine from his.

The backyard is full of broken bicycles. That's not backwards or anything but it is really creepy.

But anyways, all those things and the fact that my floor is kind of slanted has led me to believe that my apartment was actually built by Doctor Seuss. It's the ONLY explanation that makes any sense.

Blue lines

I don't really have much to complain about anymore. I have an awesome job, lots of great friends and family, a cat with arguably the best pet name in the world, and a book about a tortoise and a hippo becoming best friends. I don't know why I constantly search out things to complain about. There's probably some phrase to expain why , something about lemons or green grass or cloud lining or Skeletor, but I can't remember it right now. Anyways, let's get to the point.

Every time I try to watch cable, there's these little blue lines all over the screen and it's really pissing me off. Only when I watch cable though! Not DVDs or Wiis or anything, just the cable! It's been bothering me for months. I got my cable hooked up at my new place today along with the internet, and AAAHH! Still the blue lines! I thought maybe they were staying in Sunset Park with my crock pot and crippling depression and everything else I'd forgotten there. I guess not (most of those things will eventually make their way to my new place as well).

Time Warner, being the incredibly helpful company they are, claim they've never seen it before and don't know what to do about it. The cable guy that was here today blamed it on closed captioning! What does that even mean?!? What a morally upstanding company this Time Warner is to BLAME THEIR PROBLEMS ON DEAF PEOPLE!!! Jesus.

Well, I don't watch TV that much anyways so it's not a big deal. In fact, the only reason I'm keeping it is to watch myself on TV come March 20 (11p.m. EST in FUSE, check your local listings [putting that in there was only halfway a joke]), so maybe the blue lines are a punishment for my rampant narcissism. But I've had 'em for six months! Golly!

Okay, I'm calming down now. I won't say "golly" again, sorry. I guess I should be happy that the blue lines are on my TV screen and not on my legs (must be tough, Grandma).

I think I really am gonna go buy LEGOs now.

Finally!

Well, my month of living in a cave is over. I now have the internet in my apartment! I know what's going on again!

So, Saddam died?!? That's crazy! And it's 2007 now!?!? Whoah.

So I've been thinking of buying LEGOs. Yeah, I know. That's a brand new level of dorkiness. I'm not really sure whether to embrace it or to seek professional help.

Well, there is a Toys 'R Us near the comic book store...

Back in the Internet Cafe

Yeah, I'm still a caveman, the Internet guys are supposed to come on Wednesday. Anyways, the brief L.A. trip was ridiculous! I saw Queen Latifah! And "Hurley" from "Lost" (sorry I don't know your real name dude)! And many more mildly exciting celebrities! We had a fun show at the UCB-LA, and that night Trevor and Sam and I raided our minibars and got really really drunk. We found ourselves standing on a bridge (this hotel was so nice it had a bridge) and considered jumping into the pool, but I knew we were really wasted when we started discussing making Star Wars Episode 8, only as a computer, not a movie (and yes, we know there's no episode 7; the plan was to make that computer later, just like George Lucas did). I don't really know what that means. I'm sorry. They had free Glenlivet.

Oh, and fellow Whitest Kid Zach twisted or sprained or somehow otherwise fucked up his ankle and had to limp through our show. We haven't had an injury-free show in a while; two years ago, I was getting cuts and bruises quite often, but now the other guys seem to be getting the brunt of the punishment.

One last boring L.A. story. We had to rent a car to get around since that damn city has never heard of "public transportation," and we had one of those talking GPS computers. We named it Chewie. The last night we were there, I was the designated driver, but this GPS thing was acting totally drunk! It used little arrows on a screen to point me in the right direction, but once the arrow was a circle! And another time it folded back onto itself! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!? You have failed us Chewie.

Lastly, I tasted the best hamburger in the world yesterday. I got it from...ME. Apparently, I can make a really sweet burger. That now makes two delicious meaty dishes I can make very well (the other one's chili).

Maybe Chewie could help me find some more things I can cook, because she (the voice was female) is shit with directions.

Hi there, I'm in L.A.!

So I still don't have the internet at my apartment, but right now I'm at the Ritz hotel in LA for two days, so internet, ho! Y'know, I'm in this hotel being pampered; free wine and great food, massages, an amazing view, and the guy that played "#2" in "Austin Powers" is here, but it really makes me think of all the people with nothing in the world who are starving, have no place to sleep, whose governments are murdering them...wait a second, my shrimp cocktail is here.

What was I saying? Hmm...nope, not coming to me. This is good shrimp though.

I'm getting the internet at my house soon...

I swear. Then I'll be able to put up blogs all the time again. Here's what I've been up to lately:

Eating lots of eggs and nachos. Not together, silly. That's gross.

I tried to order a taco from a place yesterday. I asked for "one #22" and instead they gave me a "#122," which apparently is a bunch of pieces of steak thrown on top of a bunch of french fries. I'm not eating that.

I slept near a model yesterday. That's the best I've done in a while.

Scotch doesn't do anything to me anymore. I seem to have built up an immunity.

I have a surgery game for the Nintendo Wii. Asking for that game for Christmas has so far been the single best decision I've ever made in my life (moving to NYC a distant second).

I think I'm gonna be doing some crazy open mic stand-up stuff this week. I want to keep doing standup and I haven't done any kind of performance that doesn't involve me singing terrible hair metal in a few weeks and I feel the urge. I'll be sure to let all you rabid fans know.

Ideas to write about later, when I'm not this hungover

1. My theory on why automatic sinks and hand-dryers are fascistic attempts to crush our freedom and will inevitably lead to a soulless dystopian military state.

2. My parent's dog's attempts to be friends with the neighbor's cat.

3. The inadequacies of South Dakotan karaoke (when you play regular music between karaoke, we can't sing as much dummy!).

4. Chili

5. How hungover I am.

Are hangovers worse here?

Okay so my last posting was a little acidic and mean and pretentious and I apologize. Gin makes a man mean. Even though I was drinking Coors Light. Whatever.

So my main buddy here in SD is Amber. Last night I went to a small town called Hayti, South Dakota to watch her and our friend Heather and some other people bowl. It was like a league game, and all of the other teams consisted of little old ladies. There's not much better than drinking a beer, eating some pizza (which was mysteriously really good) and watching little old ladies hobble up to the alley to "Sexy Back" and then throw a strike and go crazy. It was the best thing ever. I'll still be here for next week's game, and I hope to have the fan page up for Amber's team by then. They're called "Castlewood Farmer's Elevator," after their sponsor, but I think I'm gonna jazz it up and name them either "Pink Fire" or "The Fuck Offs." I think the little old ladies would dig the last one.

Also, there's a sign when entering Hayti that reads "375 friendly people live here!" It didn't say anywhere how many assholes lived there. I would feel sorry for them that they're not represented on the sign if they weren't such assholes.

But anyways, Hayti. Yeah. Thumbs up.

I also had an awkward run-in with a dude that I graduated high school with. We never really talked much in school; it's not that we were enemies or did anything bad to eachother, we just didn't really hang. Then last night I'm at this bar with a bunch of people and he's talking to another friend of mine, then comes over to where I'm sitting. I looked at him and said "Hey what's up" kind of quick-like because I was mid-conversation, and then he just grabbed the chair next to me and walked away. It was weird.

Holy shit that last paragraph was the most boring fucking thing I've ever written and I'm sorry I made you read that.

You win this round, Christmas Vacation

No, this is not about the Chevy Chase movie. Sorry.

So I began my Christmas "break" today, which consists of 9 (nine[NINE?!?!?]) days in South Dakota. I started it off with a plane ride from NYC to Minneapolis and I sat between 6 babies and a puppy. For reals. It was really fun. Yeah. Then in the Minneapolis airport I was at the gate to fly back to Watertown, SD (my hometown), and this African woman in full flowing African-style robes was at the gate. Now, being that I live in New York, I see this all the time, but all of the other people waiting for the South Dakota flight were staring at her. I didn't expect to have the "oh yeah, that's why I moved away" moment until I was acually IN South Dakota, but they apparently have turned it (racism) up a notch since last I visited.

Then I get to the bar with my good buddy Amber and more ridiculousness is awaiting me. This one kid that I've known for a while comes up to me and asks about the Whitest Kids TV show coming out soon. We talked about it for a bit, and then he asked me if he could be in the show if we did a second season. I told him that if he were around, maybe he could be an extra. His reply: "Nah, I don't need to do all that. I just wanna write and co-produce it." Naturally, I signed him on the spot.

Then this other totally wasted guy that I've never met before starts telling me about his novel. He tells me that it's basically about sex and drugs and drinking and all of his crazy adventures. I asked, "Okay, so kind of like Hunter S. Thompson or Jack Kerouac?" And he said "Dude, I am sooo much sicker than Hunter S. Thompson." And then he threw up, so maybe he was right.

Also, when he first mentioned that he was writing a novel he said that it was "a novel, but totally non-fiction." I'm not really sure what that means. To me, that's kind of like saying "it's like a carrot, but it's an apple."

That didn't make sense. Whatevs. So yeah. 8 more days. Let's do this!

Back to the SD

I actually wrote this like 15 hours ago, but couldn't put it up 'til now. Sorry.

Well I'm leaving civilization for 9 days to go see my family, who lives in South Dakota. Actually, they're pretty civilized there (they have an Arby's and apparently a Starbucks now), so never mind. My 12 year-old brother* asked my dad when "the Nintendo Wii is getting here," meaning me, but little does he know that I'm not bringing it! Ha! Take that! You're not even old enough to drive! But anyways, I'm not bringing it because he's getting a PS2 and I don't wanna show up Santa. Actually, he's 12, so it's probably just "my parents" now and not Santa. Whatevs. I still believe. Last night at karaoke I decided to do a little Santa-ing myself. I was handing out candy canes to certain singers, and by "certain" I mean "cute Asian girls." Certain readers of this blog that were not present totally missed out on free candy. Now, I know that makes me sound like a dirty old jolly elf, but I wasn't alone; Scollins and Eli were totally helping me "judge." Okay, this Internet Garage session is getting expensive, gotta go. I'll blog about South Dakota when I'm there. Here's a preview:

Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing NothingHappy Holidays!



*I thought about writing simply "my 12 year-old" just to freak people out.

Okay

So I'm at my old apartment, where they still have the internet (which is still in my name and I still am paying for, but let's not think about that), so let's party.

Well, I can still taste the weird fake barf. I have showered, brushed my teeth, and even eaten a White Chocolate Reese's peanut butter cup (don't bother, they're too crumbly), but it's still there. I have determined that my body was so overloaded by the hummus/salsa combo it consisted of that I can now only subsist on hummus and salsa. At the same time. In a Dixie Cup. If anyone knows of any good recipes consisting of hummus and salsa mixed together in a Dixie Cup, please let me know.

I've been re-watching the British "The Office" the last few days. It is of course hilarious, but it has also renewed my gladness at not working in an office anymore while simulatneously renewing my fear of having to go back to one some day. I also was very depressed by the fact that the character Gareth (a weaselly mean little pervert) has a more eventful love life than mine (there was one scene in one episode where he danced with one girl).

No "But aren't you a weaselly little pervert, Timmy?" comments. Please.

I bought my cat these bubbles. They're just like the bubbles you blew out of the little bottle when you were a kid/raver, but these bubbles contain cat nip. It makes her freak out. Cat owners take note.

It really freaks me out that I've only been living alone for a week and already the only things I have to write about are TV shows and my cat.
Oh, and this is my friend Jordan's music. Check it.

Well...

I still don't have my computer and internet set up, so these bloggings that approximately 22-37 of you love to read will be rather sparse for a bit. I've been too busy to get it all arranged. Yesterday was all about our Whitest Kids show, and this morning I had to stand on a stage and act drunk with a mouth full of fake vomit while Shandi danced around in a "Sexy Santa" suit. I know that sounds like some kind of crazy fever dream but it was real. Trust me.

Word to the wise: The last thing you should do after holding a bunch of fake vomit (made from hummus and salsa) in your mouth is eat Chinese food. My stomach is being a fucking asshole right now.

P.S. I leave town for NINE DAYS AT HOME WITH MY FAMILY on Tuesday. I'm doing this by choice. It should be action-packed, which means I'll probably post like 89070987 times over the holidays.

P.P.S. I posted a MySpace blog the other day, but the internet cafe's machines wouldn't let me post it here for some reason, so you're totally missing out. I think it was me bitching about dropping a couch on my foot.

Yeah, you're totally missing out.

I can still taste the fake barf.

I'm going to finish packing now.

Hold all my calls.

Hey I'm doing standup on Sunday at The Beauty Bar, on 14th betwixt 2nd and 3rd. 9pm. I heard that sometimes they have a bikini contest after the comedy show (seriously), so you should probably stop by.

More people should say "betwixt."

I AM LAZY

I AM LAZY

The movers (my buddy Abdel) will be here in 16 hours and I have done almost NOTHING. What is my problem? Why am I writing this right now?!?!? I should be PACKING. BAD TIMMY. Okay. I think I'm gonna go pack now.
Hey look, a thing to look at!

Dammit.

I had a pretty nerdy day the other day

On Tuesday I went to a movie by myself. It was "The Fountain," and yes it was extremely confusing. I liked it though. Then I went home and played video games about comics, and then next day was New Comic Book Day, so I went and bought a bunch of nerd shit and then I had to go pick up cables for my Nintendo Wii. As I was leaving I scoped out this place near Grand Street in Chinatown, this store that said "COMICS" above it in huge white letters. I thought maybe it was a new comic shop so I walked by. All I saw was a white room with a small man sitting at a desk.

So yeah, if anyone out there is looking for the center of the Matrix, it's near the Grand Street "D" train station in Manhattan.

That night I was watching "Clerks 2," a movie about nerds, and Sam calls me and tells me to report immediately to Williamsburg for a "Guitar Hero 2" tournament. I was eliminated first round even though I've beaten the song perfectly before. I blame it partially on nerves but mostly on the shitty wireless controller they had. I then had a 10-minute conversation about shitty wireless controllers. When I went home I didn't masturbate because let's face it, my night was nerdy enough.

So every single sentence I just wrote there was nerdy, except for this one, Batman.

Shit.

Can you make bombs out of deodorant?

I only ask because on my way to Rififi tonight I stopped into a store to buy some things that I thought I had quit (no, not porn, I would never quit that shit) and some dude there was buying one of each available brand of deodorant. Like 8 bars of it. Even as a smelly fat guy, I only ever have to buy one thing of deodorant at a time, so I had no idea what this guy was up to. I immediately ruled out "art" since I don't really believe in it, and he didn't seem like he was collecting deodorant, which I do believe in, so there was only one option left: terror. It seems to me that deodorant is one of those things that you can turn into an explosive, but maybe that's just because I watch "Fight Club" too much.
On the way home my cabbie was playing a lot of Sugar Ray music. I will never sing a karaoke song NOT by Sugar Ray again.




I hope to God you all understand that I was kidding about that Sugar Ray thing. I would never let Mark McGrath come between me and my friends.

Fragments of the last 24 hours

So last night the Whitest Kids played a show at Brandeis University in Waltham, Mass. Longtime readers* may remember that we went there on tour with Flogging Molly and ended up playing our own set after the rock concert, and the kids there liked it so much that they asked us back for a festival they were throwing. I was going to write a bunch of stuff about it, but just as I sat down, my mind was suddenly wiped because I sat through that crazy John Travolta Scientology-based movie "Battlefield Earth" in its entirety. It was so ridiculously boring that now I barely remember what happened to me in the last day. I do have a few recollections though, so here are the pieces I can remember:

-Playing our "Hitler Rap" music video to a primarily Jewish audience**.

-Winning back the audience's favor with a video about shit. Not everyone can laugh at genocide, but everyone laughs at poop.

-Going to a sweet party afterwards. It was your typical college party, with lots of booze, hot girls, their drunk boyfriends, and...an amazing cheese and vegetable spread?

-Watching Trevor bash open a bottle of wine on a brick wall and then drink it. He's totally leading the "Awesomest Whitest Kid" race right now.

-Sleeping in the warmest room I've even been in. It was at a kind of "faculty hotel" on campus that was normally reserved for rabbis, but somehow they decided to make a special exception for a bunch of drunk jerks. Anyways, it was so warm in there I had to sleep on the floor near the door so I could be cooled by the draft. I have a very ham-like quality about me and I was worried that I would be baked.

-Making ridiculous mix CDs with Trevor on the way home, containing hits like "Flagpole Sitta" and the "Benny Hill" theme.

Well that's all I can remember right now. Maybe more will come back after I watch an actual good movie.


*Yeah, right.
**We only played it because the festival organizers asked us to. We wouldn't just show a Hitler video at a Jewish school. We're not that stupid. I don't think.

P.S.

Tonight my compatriate Sam and I sang "Unforgiven" by Metallica at karaoke, and we decided to spice it up with what was meant to be a PG-13 strip dance. We both slowly worked down to only wearing our boxers and sneakers. Some girl, or rather, HARLOT, in the audience took it upon herself to spice things up too. She pinched our nipples, she grabbed Sammy's crotch, and then, in a moment of true despicable debauchery, PULLED DOWN MY UNDERPANTS. It only lasted for a split-second, but roughly 50-60 people saw my weiner, and probably only about 20 of them actually wanted to see it. Those 20 were all hot chicks, by the way. Anyways, this girl totally ruined the whole thing. We were just trying to have fun, and now we look like (bigger) perverts. Screw you lady. No, not like that. Quit touching our weiners. Go away.

Hey come here, I'm drunk

I got my hair cut today.

I drank a lot of scotch today.

I bought the books "Bill and Ted's Most Excellent Adventures Volume 1" and "Guerilla Warfare" by Che Guevara today.

I thought that was a really good combination of books to buy today.

I sang karaoke today.

I got mad because some kid sang my song today.

I didn't cry at all even though when I woke up this morning I thought that I might today.

I saw a man wearing a hat made out of a tiger's face today.

I lied about that "guy wearing a tiger's face hat" thing today.

I stooded

So last night I tried "Stand Up Comedy" for the first time ever. In the last few months I've done many panic-inducing things, such as asking a friend on a date, telling my parents that I used to do drugs, and going on stage in my underwear in front of 2000 people, but never have I been more panicked and nervous than I was last night. Holy shit. I thought I was gonna explode in barf. Which probably would have gotten more laughs than anything I did, but would have been gross. Actually I got a good amount of laughs, and I'm gonna do it again soon. My thanks to my friends that came out to support me, even though your presence only made me more terrified, and to fellow performer Baron Vaughn, who after my set told me "Most virgins bleed the first time, and there's no blood up there." That's pretty much one of the best/weirdest compliments I've ever received. Also thanks to my dearly departed grandparents, because the stories about them got the biggest laughs and an "Oh my God." So yeah, I was totally nervous but it was fun, and now I'm that much closer to a "Punchline"-style breakdown where I cry on stage in fron of everyone!

Drunk,Wii Not?

Okay so yesterday I bought a NintendoWii. I stood in line with Sam (after his German accent soundly defeated mine at an audition for a role alongside Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reubens) for like half an hour, watching him prepare to buy one, and then I finally figured "hey, I'm already in the line, why not?" The TV ad they kept showing outside the store didn't hurt either. It was a bunch of cute Japanese girls playing a tennis game or something on the Wii, and it was so adorable/hot that I decided that I too should be adorable/hot and buy one. I should be glad that more unnecessary items aren't marketed by cute Japanese girls, or I would have way more crap. If they can just keep it contained to video games and cartoons, I should be fine. That was yesterday morning, and I still haven't played it because I've been so busy with stuff like not getting TV roles and eating lunch with powerful Hollywood executives at the EPSN Zone restaurant,that I haven't had any time for games like "Monkey Ball" and "Zelda Goes Fishing." I don't know if that's really the title of the Zelda game, I haven't had time to read the box. I will play it eventually though, and it will be totally adorable. And kinda hot.

So I've been quitting smoking, and for the last week or so I haven't been drinking either. It's not for any reason, really, I just felt like chilling out on it. I still haven't been smoking, but the "no drinking" thing came to a crashing halt last night at Karaoke Killed The Cat. Matt and Shandi decided the three of us should drink giant glasses of tequila that Pat the Bartender had cleverly disguised as Long Island Ice Teas. About an hour later,we were shoving ice down eachother's pants, biting people on the face, and generally upsetting the delicate balance of peace in Pianos. Had we been in any other establishment, we probably would have gotten thrown out. The reason I want to not drink as much is because being drunk isn't really that fun anymore, but last night it was AWESOME. I guess it's all about being in the right mood with the right people, and having a giant glass of tequila. Anyways, I managed to somehow get through the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" with a huge cupful of ice in my briefs, and I had to wait for some of the cubes to melt because they got stuck in the pee flap of my underwear and I couldn't get them out. And I think Shandi slapped me in the balls.

I have to go buy a couch and "cat grass" (whatever that is) from Mr. Coats now. We'll try and stay away from the tequila.

I'll be back later today with a "Reader Survey" that I want you all to do!

Poop.

Hey, I haven't done this in a while...

That's 81. I'm un-fucking-stoppable.

Lambchop?

Okay, so does everyone remember that puppet Lambchop? She had an educational TV show for a while? Sang that "this is a song that doesn't end" song? Here she is, with her creator/voice Shari Lewis:



You remember that, right? Anyways, Shari Lewis died a while back, but apparently her daughter Mallory has decided to pick up the torch of "teaching children love and harmony by throwing your voice into a piece of cloth." Here she is (notice Lambchop image embroidered on jeans; she was a fan first):



So yeah, Lambchop is kind of a famous puppet. And she and Mallory played at the Whitest Kids show tonight. I'm still not sure how she got booked or why she agreed to do it, but it was kind of surreal. No, wait. It was EXTREMELY SURREAL. Lambchop is by far the biggest celebrity that has ever played with us, which is a ridiculous, ridiculous notion to consider since she is basically a really nice sock puppet that taught my little sister to read. Also tonight, we unintentionally had two other acts involving puppetry and/or talking inanimate objects and I think the audience was let down when the Whitest Kids came out and we had no puppets, no ventriloquism, and no songs that did not end. I did have my hand up Sam's ass, but that was after the show and only the two of us and the rest of our online fetish club saw it (in a posting about puppets, you KNEW I was going to make a "hand in ass" joke, and it would have been comedically irresponsible of me not to do it; it had to be done, and I'd like to think that we're all better people for it).

And now that I have you all envisioning me exploring Sam in that fashion, let me tell you that I found an apartment! In the area I wanted! At a great price! No, it wasn' the grumpy landlord I mentioned a few days ago; that guy wouldn't believe that I had money despite my being chubby and showing him my bank statements. But anyways, that nightmare's over, and now I can finally go back to just having regular nightmares, y'know, like the kind involving my skin falling off, or girls biting me (both actual recent nightmares).

Good bye!

P.S. This is post 80. Feel my wrath.

Wrapping Things Up

That's right, as the title infers, I'm going to talk about condoms.

Not really.

I don't know anything about condoms.

Anyways.

"Happy Feet" was the best movie I've seen in a long time. In an IMAX theater full of children. With Sam. The best movie I've seen under those circumstances.

Actually it was pretty awesome. And adorable. And Robin Williams is tolerable.

The Andrew W.K.lecture was insane. He didn't prepare for it at all. It was basically just Q & A, and all of his answers were intelligent, insightful, and about as trippy as answers to questions like "what is your favorite sandwich?" can be. And at one point he danced around and threw his chair. The thing that bothered me was that about 75% of the kids that asked questions seemed to be asking them just to be in the spotlight for 45 seconds rather than to enhance the quality of his lecture. And I know it sounds crazy saying "enhance the quality of the lecture" when talking about a lecture by the guy who sings "Party 'Til you Puke," but he was actually really compelling, interesting, fun, and a really smart guy. Okay, that last bit sounded like I was a 13 year-old girl describing my "dream guy," but whatever. It just kinda pissed me off that a lot of kids seemed to treat him like a cartoon character and didn't take him seriously, e.g. "HEY! Let's ask the 'Party Hard' guy for a hug while he's onstage! Hee-hee!" Just because someone makes money by singing about partying (or pretending to rub poop on their face) doesn't mean they're a ridiculous clown (not in his case at least).

And lastly, let me finish up my days-long Meat Loaf obsession. I was planning on writing some sort of epic piece about his epic trilogy of albums, but I just can't do it. His music is so ridiculous and crazy that I can't really imagine what I could say about it. I do think it's "good," but I also think it's just really ridiculous and fun to listen to, but then most of the music I listen to, I listen to for that reason. But I think my favorite Meat Loaf song titles are "Good Girls Go To Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere)" and "If It Ain't Broke Break It," which starts with a "homey" guy saying "Damn, you crazy, man!"

He's right though. Meat Loaf is crazy.

I have so much immediate happiness in my future...

First off, I'm going to see "Happy Feet" in IMAX with the Whitest Kids. Yes, that is the "dancing penguins movie," and we're all pretty excited about it. Robin Williams is in it, but besides that it looks like the most adorable movie ever made.

Then I'm going to see Andrew W.K., not in concert but in lecture. I'm really not sure what to expect, but I'm pretty sure the main subjects discussed will include, "Partying," "Awesome," and "Andrew WK is Awesome at Partying." It was only five bucks. Would YOU turn it down? I know I wouldn't. I know that because I didn't.

Then after that I'm probably gonna eat ice cream!

Best day ever!

A few quick thoughts

On Red Lobster, which I visited for the first time tonight: You don't need to put butter in everything. I asked the waiter for more water, and when he brought it back he said "OH! Did you not get butter in the first one?" He reached into his pocket, presumably for some butter to put into my water, so I stabbed him in the gut with a crab claw and ran away.

On "Stranger Than Fiction," Will Ferrell's new movie: It was pretty good. It's kind of a date movie, and I went there with four dudes. We're all making out right now though, so I guess it did its job. But really I think the point of the movie is that everyone will want to fuck Maggie Gyllenhaal after they see it.

On the creepy dude that was hitting/spitting on all the girls at the Plan B bar this evening: When you're dressed up, don't hit on people that aren't dressed up. That's just weird.

On the train I was discussing Guitar Hero 2 with my friends, and how it gave me callouses on my fingers, and this dude sitting across from me held up his nub of a ring finger and said "At least THIS didn't happen to you. I burnt this finger to the nub playing guitar." I just imagined this guy on stage with some ridiculous band (maybe Journey on some night when Randy Jackson couldn't make it), shredding some hot lick until his hand exploded all over his Tazmanian Devil jacket .

And I am STILL listening to Meat Loaf's "Bat Out Of Hell" trilogy. The new one, "Bat Out Of Hell III: Out Of 'Fight Club' Money" is like 2 hours long. It's ridiculous. Y'know, a lot of people give Meat Loaf shit* and say he's cheesy and a crazy pop star, and while those two statements are both true, I think we as a nation have overlooked his bombastic, operatic, theatrical, metal genius. I mean, all of his songs are about...well, about 8 minutes long, but they're also all about banging women, Hell, weapons, and being a rocker. I can't think of any other subjects that I would ever want to hear a song about. But yeah, I think Meat Loaf deserves a little cred, even though he's clearly a nutjob. I will explain more later. Good evening.




* I said "Meat Loaf Shit" in a sentence that wasn't even about meat, loaves, or shit. I'm awesome.

Hey look at this...

A dog might have fucked a cat. Successfully.

I don't think it's true.

I really really hope it's true.

The Day 4

First of all, let me just say that my roommate Hans is asleep on the couch next to me, and he is really snoring up a storm! There are noises occurring that I did not know exist! It has some sort of hypnotic effect on the cat though.

Anyways, as I mentioned like 8 hours ago, I am trying to quit smoking, and today will hopefully be my 4th day in a row without a cigarette. I've tried quitting smoking several times before, and The Day 4 is always the roughest. I don't know if maybe the addiction is punching every nerve on its way out or that my body is saying "Seriously?!? No more fucking cigarettes?!? You SUCK!" but either way, I'm always extremely agitated, grumpy, and basically insane on Day 4.

It's probably the closest I'll ever come to having PMS, unless the future is like the movie "Junior," because if it is, that means guys will be able to get pregnant, which probably means we'll have vaginas, which probably means we'll get PMS. And even if it doesn't happen to every man in the future and is only like an experiment or something, I'll still be getting PMS because I will totally try pregnancy in the vain hope that I give birth to a big sandwich and a bottle of soda like on that episode of "The Cosby Show."

So yeah, I'm just starting my Day 4, and looking at my schedule for today, and am pretty much getting ready to just go ahead and start carving my eyes out now, because it's a doozy! First off, I have a callback for a commercial audition, which is great, but basically means that I'm gonna go in there and the casting people will make me do the same role I did yesterday, only in a way different than what they liked yesterday, and then they'll watch it later and not like it and not call me back. So that's how that works. Then I have to call the Whitest Kids' accountant, who I think is not only bothered by the fact that I go by "Timmy," but that the troupe's official business name is "Whitest Kids Business Company International Conglomerate, LLC." That's the name on my paychecks, and I think my bank is scared of me too. Ah well.

So after that, I have to go convince this grumpy Polish landlord that I do have enough money coming in from WKBCICLLC to rent his apartment, and it's probably not gonna turn out well.
Then I'll go meet up with this other broker lady and look at like 5 apartments with her, then I'll come back home, listen to the snoring again, and tear my hair out!

Ta-ta! See you on the other side!

P.S. Speaking of things that annoy me, I also I had to do MATH for the first time in 6 months the other day. I had to count the (small) amount of cash and sales we had from our merchandise while on tour. It's very humbling to look at 9 CDs sold in one day and say "Wow! Pretty good!" while Flogging Molly is selling like 500 shirts and 200 CDs every day. Maybe we should say we're Irish too.

New Place Woes...

So, I think I found a good apartment, but the landlord is afraid to accept my application because he doesn't believe me when I say that I have enough cash for rent.

Does he think I'm a hobo? Does that happen? Do homeless dudes go around and look at apartments just to be in a house for a few minutes? One with someone elses's stuff all over it?

So yeah, I'm digging up the proper paperwork, but really, come on! Whatever happened to trust? Buddy? By the way, the Meat Loaf listening party is going really well.

Comment Comment

Okay, so I've had this blog since like January, and I JUST NOW realized that every comment that has been left since this blog's inception was being kept in some folder, waiting to be approved, and I just now found the folder and approved them. I'm sorry. It will never happen again.

Taxis and Such

So last night was a pretty blistering-hot session of karaoke.

If I went back and time and told the me from five years ago that me now had typed that sentence, Past Me would probably try to fight me. But then I'd bring him back to the future and we'd sing some Megadeth together and he would see how awesome it was. And he would totally vote for the N*SYNC song above all those Backstreet Boys people.

But really, last night was awesome; there weren't a ton of people, just enough to have a good time, and all of us Karaoke Freaks got to sing a lot of songs. And I drank a lot of orange juice and water (I'm not drinking for a little while because I had a cold and am quitting smoking).

But all that rockin' out made me sweaty, which normally happens, but I didn't notice how sweaty until after I entered the taxi to go home. The windows actually started fogging up when I entered the vehicle. I know it was also humid out yesterday, but I didn't see any other fogged-up cars, so I'm guessing it was my own man-vapors that turned the taxi into a sauna. I think the driver was annoyed, but that's okay. Here's why:

Taxi drivers can't get to Sunset Park. None of 'em. I take cabs home about twice a week, and I NEVER have gotten a driver who, after hearing my address, says "Okay." And that's fine. It's a big city. I understand not knowing all of it like the back of your hand, especially since my neighborhood is kinda deep into Brooklyn and somewhat insular, meaning it is rather self-sustaining with its own stores, rappers, and Chinatowns. And when I tell people where I live, they normally ask me if there are farms where I live (the answer is no).
So it's okay that these dudes don't know where it is...but...I DO. I tell these guys explicit directions EACH AND EVERY TIME, and they never listen! But don't take my word for it, read the script:

TITLE: "TAXI TIME TIMMY"

FADE TO:
INT. TAXI - NIGHT

TIMMY, a devilishly handsome comedic genius and brilliant karaoke artist, flips back his silky raven hair with one hand while clutching the plastic window thing in the middle of the hand with his other. he is dripping in sweat, but in a sexy way. The CABBIE sits in the front of the taxi, a dumbfounded look on his face and a cell-phone headset on his ear.
TIMMY
So yeah, just take the Manhattan Bridge down Flatbush, then to 4th Avenue, and then just go left at 46th.

CABBIE
No!

TIMMY
What?

CABBIE
BQE!

TIMMY
I don't know, man, it's normally really packed at this time. I tak cabs home quite often, and it's always packed now.

CABBIE
BQE better! It's an expressway!

TIMMY
Well in theory, but actually...

CABBIE
BQE!

TIMMY
...okay. Fine!

CABBIE
Yes!

The CABBIE begins talking to someone on his headset phone loudly. The din is only increased by the radio blaring the news in the same language that the driver is speaking. Several minutes of gridlocked traffic pn the BQE pass by as the meter skyrockets into the teens, and then twenties...

CABBIE
BQE is jammed! Why are we on this?!? I'll take a shortcut!

TIMMY
But...

The rest of TIMMY's sentence is cut off by squealing tires as the taxi screams off the BQE, down some random dark street. The CABBIE then begins craning his neck out the window, looking for some landmark that may indicate where he has just guided his cab and it's priceless fare...

FADE TO BLACK

And it goes on like that for like 20 more minutes, until I'm finally dropped off three blocks from my house three hours later and 30 bucks poorer.

Okay, so this post got really long (I'm listening to Meat Loaf's "Bat Out Of Hell," so that's probably why), but here's my point: CABBIES. Grab a map. Learn the city. Or at least Sunset Part, because that's where I live, and I'm awesome. And I see more and more college kids here every month, and we all know they like cabs too, so it might be a smart move. Just learn it. Please. And then learn Greenpoint, because I'm moving there in like two weeks. Thanks.
And yes, I really am listening to that album right now. I'm gonna listen to the whole trilogy in the next few days and then intrepret it here.

Oh boy!

So the Whitest Kids had a show at that new comedy club Comix last night. The club was pretty nice, but not as extreme as the name might lead one to believe. But anyways, the show went AWESOMELY. It was the most fun I've had doing one in a while, and we had some great comedians (John Mulaney, Maria Bamford, and Andy Kindler) open up for us. It was totally awesome. I'm still pretty sick (with the cold, not the spinach/paint disease), so I was kind of high on cold medicine the whole night, but everyone else says it was fun too, so I'm pretty sure it actually was.

After the show I talked to this girl who is a fan of the troupe that had recognized me once while I was buying comics. There's not really a worse time to recognize someone. That's when a closeted nerd/dork/dweeb is at his most vulnerable (this was before I started broadcasting my dorkiness on the internet). I was almost gonna lie and say "Whitest WHAT? Are you some kinda racist?" then I realized she was probably just as nerdy too, since she was IN the store, so why would she pass judgement on a fellow nerd? But maybe she was just buying them for her son? It turned out that she worked there, which, nerdiness-wise, is somewhere in between those two scenarios. I'm sure she wouldn't have thought I was a nerd, but just to safe, I told her that I was buying them for a high-powered celebrity whose name I couldn't reveal (it was Tom Hanks).

Speaking of high-powered celebrities, after the show I was at the bar next door and Moby was there. Nothing interesting happened, I just though I'd mention that I saw him, and that he was about as little and meek as you'd imagine. He's like a mouse with a laptop and a nice jacket.

Well, I'm still sick. I woke up shivering last night, which was too bad because I was having a really awesome dream where I had a gun. Then I put on a bunch of clothes since you're supposed to sweat out a cold. I think it's sweating out. I'm really good at sweating.

Paint Puke and Pestilence (From Friday)

So yesterday a bunch of us went to Queens and played paintball for Darren's birthday. It was RADICAL!!! I'm not very good but I had a lot of fun. Most of my highlights involved either shooting Sam or shooting Darren's girlfriend. At one point Zach shot me in the face and the ball managed to make it under my mask, hit me in the chin, and explode in my mouth. When I took my mask off after the game, the referee was like "Oh damn, son, you gotta go to the bathroom yo (he was like 15 and really seemed to enjoy talking like that)." When I got into the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror, I looked AWESOME. My face was covered in paint and blood, like Braveheart. Or a goth kid.

Anyways after that we played one more paintball game called "Iron Man." Basically you shoot at anything that moves, and you keep playing until you either run out of ammo or can't take the pain of getting hit anymore. I went until my ammo ran out; the pain didn't bother me, because I'm really manly. Really manly. Also, I have the natural padding. I think I actually got hit the most that round, because I was trying to reload behind this little barrier thing, and the way I was positioned behind it, my ass and my left arm were sticking out, so they got pelted pretty good. Not as bad as eating the paint though.

So after that I ate this spinach crepe thing at The Beer Garden in Queens (not "a beer garden," but "The Beer Garden," I've been told). Then I went to Plan B and hung out with a bunch of buddies for about 30 seconds before I went into the restroom and threw up the entire spinach thing (and probably some paint). Why? Was it the food? The paint? The fact that I sweated like 75 gallons during paintball? Or is it Plan B itself? The world may never know. But anyways I went home not too long after that.

And now I wake up this morning and have a bitch-whore of a cold. I was supposed to go look at apartments and prepare for the Whitest Kids show tomorrow, but instead I'm hacking up a lung, eating cold pills (I'm not fucking with the liquid stuff after all the pukery lately), and probably playing Guitar Hero 2 later. But first, a nap. Also if anyone out there wants to come to the aforementioned WKUK show tomorrow night, please do! It will be different (and probably longer) than our Pianos shows, and although there's an admission, you don't have to buy drinks (a rarity at comedy clubs) and you can send me a a message and I'll send you the secret code to get 25% off your ticket. Oh yeah.

I realize this posting hasn't been particularly funny or interesting, and for that I apologize; I'm just sick and wanted to type, is that so wrong?

Happiness

Okay, so you may have been reading my blog lately and thinking I'm constantly grumpy and/or bitter about everything. That's not actually true. I am a very happy little man, I just like to complain, that's all. But anyways, in order to prove that I am in fact not bummed out all the time, I now present a list of the top 10 things that make me happy right now:

10. Food. I'm a chubby, so I had to put it on there somewhere, and we're now entering that month-long Thanksgiving/Christmas awesome-food-a-thon, which is like Fat Guy Ramadan.

9. Sequels. There's a lot of good ones like "Aliens," "Godfather 2," "Terminator 2," and "Showdown in Little Tokyo," which I think is a sequel to The Bible (it's that good).

8. The Spy Restaurant in Milwaukee. You have to find secret passages to both enter and exit the place. I will never go there if they have a fire though. That's just dangerous.

7. Riding around the country on a lavish tour bus for six weeks to do two minutes of work every day.

6. The autographed photo of Garth Brooks that I have hanging on my wall. I found it in a thrift store like 7 years ago, and it still brings me great joy.

5. Guitar Hero 2, which would be higher on my list but is so awesome that it made me play it too much yesterday and now my fingers hurt.

4. Comic Books (and apparently not getting laid; I should really stop mentioning that particular affinity).

3. Starts with a "K." Ends with "araoke." No, it's not "Karate." Learn to read.

2. The Whitest Kids U' Know, even though I see entirely too much of them now and our last show was a drag. I guess what I really wanted to write here was "that sweet, sweet Whitest Kids cash."

1. My friends, including said Whitest Kids, my cat Spaceship, and dental floss (that's what my dentist says anyways), and my family. I also love the fact that South Dakota put medicinal marijuana on their ballot yesterday, which is surprisingly chill of them, but they don't get a spot on the list because they also banned same-sex marriage (and the pot thing didn't pass). Come on guys, be chill.

Some Random Thoughts

Why are all these guys in my neighborhood still wearing their rapper costumes?

I think my brain was slowly deteriorating while I was out on tour. I got dumber and more forgetful as it went on, but today I ran into a friend that I haven't seen in like two years, and I remembered her name right away! I haven't done that in a looooooong time! Take that, senility!

I can't tell if it's Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank anymore.

I was at one of New York's many fine eating establishments (Wendy's) this afternoon, when a really shady-looking dude with a mean look on his face entered the restaurant. I was afraid that he was gonna try and rob the place or something until I saw a skateboard in his hand. I mean, you never see people rob places with skateboards, right? Although it could be a good escape vehicle, it's really taking up hand space for a much more useful item, such as a gun, or a dollar-sign bag.

Well, my brain must not have fully healed from brain deteriration yet, because that's all the thoughts I had today. Four.

Television

So I took my first night off from being awesome in a loooong time tonight and decided to watch some good old TV. I watched the new Lost episode, and found it entertaining and surprising, but what was even MORE surprising was that, during one of the commercial breaks, I learned that they now make a car that parallel parks itself! Wow! AND Taye Diggs is coming back to the small screen! Wow wow wow!

After that I played this new video game Bully, where you play a bully at a prep school and you go around and harass the other kids and make out with the hot girls. You can probably guess just by reading this blog that I never did any of those things in my real life, so I'm glad that technology can finally allow me to live out my dreams. Here's hoping that a "Guy That Doesn't Lose His Laptop Or Scare Off Women" game is soon to follow.

Then I decided to finally prove to myself once and for all that I am indeed a weirdo, so I kept flipping between a documentary about the SuicideGirls and the movie American History X. It was kind of a failed experiment. I thought that going back and forth between cute girls with tattooed boobies and Ed Norton getting ass-raped would be entertaining, but instead I just feel barfy now.

Today I also let Spaceship eat a bone. She didn't eat meat off of the bone, she just actually devoured the bone. I would feel bad for doing that but I'm pretty sure she pooped in my room today, so now we're even.

Spaceship's my cat, by the way.

Halloween

Okay, so Halloween is done. At least for me. I'm sure right now there's still lots of dudes in "Guy with a Big Afro" costumes making out with "Sexy Butterflies," but I'm at home and done with it all. I love being in New York for Halloween, in fact I think that this city OWNS the holiday, but this year's celebration didn't quite do it for me. Maybe it's because it was on Tuesday, and I wasn't in town for Saturday, which was probably when all the real parties were going on, but tonight there weren't even a lot of costumes, and very few great ones.

The best costumes I saw were in Duluth, Minnesota, on Saturday. There was a guy there dressed as that famous "National Geographic" cover with that lady with the really bright blue eyes, and a group of dudes as the entire cast of "DOG The Bounty Hunter."

I did see a Santa Claus costume tonight though, which is pretty good. And I also saw a homeless guy costume. Now I know what you're thinking: "It probably WAS a homeless guy, you worthless fat lump of shit!" Well, the guy had a cell phone at the time, so I'm pretty sure it was a costume. I don't think that it was an actual homeless guy with a stolen cell phone, because I still have my cell phone. And don't call me a fat lump of shit. The "worthless" part is still up for debate though.

I also saw a dude whose costume was a t-shirt that said "Bad Halloween Costume." I didn't have the heart to tell him how right-on his costume really was.

I had a lot more thoughts about this, but I can't remember them anymore.

Tomorrow I'll write something about poop, because I haven't done that in a while.

I'm back! And drunk!

Well, the tour's over. To celebrate, I poured ketchup all over my Superman costume, put it on, and sang some metal songs.

It was awesome though cuz I saw pretty much all my karaoke buddies, and since the party started two hours earlier than it normally does, when I left I ended up being two hours drunker than I normally am. That's actually not that cool because I really wanted to take a month off from drinking when I got back from tour.

I'll just start doing that tomorrow, along with quitting smoking. And eating healthy. And going to the gym. And not being a freak.

Guitar Hero 2 comes out next week. Call me some time in the next seven days if you wanna hang out, because after that, it's over.

I'll write tomorrow. I promise.

Missouri (From October 23)

Soooooooo...it's been a little while since I communicated on here. Wanna know why? Guess. I'll give you a hint: it really really really sucks.

My laptop got stolen. Oh yeah. Last Wednesday. Rochester, NY. it was taken out of the venue we were playing at while I was helping pack up our merch. In the last two months, I've had my iPod and laptop ripped off. Y'know, if I were to find out that all of these people stealing my technology were doing it to advance some "Fight Club"-esque, "reduce the world to hunters and gatherers" type of agenda, I'd be fine, because that sounds great, but somehow, I don't think that's their gig.

So yeah, that really sucked, so much that it took my mind off the other thing that sucked last week, which was when I got the "let's be friends" speech from my latest romantic pursuit. I'm actually totally cool with that now, and we're still good friends, but now that I'm done trying to charm or impress anyone for a little while, I can write the next paragraph without worrying what ill effects it may have on my romantic life.

I read comic books. A LOT. It was something I was really into in high school, and I just started doing it again a few months ago. X-Men, Superman, Batman, all that shit. Except Spider-Man. Fuck that guy. but anyways, throughout this tour I've been stopping at comic book shops all over this country, and I have found that the ones in California and the West suck ass compared to those in the Midwest and East. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the West doesn't like imagination as much (it is where reality TV came from after all [apologies to any friend(s) that may have benefitted from reality television]). But yeah, the best stores I've found were in Philly, New Haven, Urbana (Illinois), and in my very own Brooklyn (9th St and 5th Ave, yo).

But enough about my nerdliness. Let's talk about food. Here on the bus, Nicole our bus manager and I have what we call the Fat Kids Club. We eat gross food together. We were in Chicago last week on our day off and basically had the Fat Kids Jubilee. We ate ribs at some place where Sinatra used to hang out, then had ice cream, and then it was on to the Wiener's Circle.

The Wiener's Circle is this amazing hot dog stand where you order your food while being berated by two pregnant angry black women. They cuss people out left and right. It's amazing. The best thing I've heard all tour was when one of the women told some drunk dude "SUCK THE FART OUT MY MUTHAFUCKIN' ASS!!"

It was amazing.

Writing that paragraph made me wanna go crawl into bed and hide from them though, so au revoir for now.

From New York to...a different part of New York.

I haven't written in a few days so let's sum things up rather quickly. So I had a 3-day break in NYC last week and had a lot of fun, got some silly pictures taken, hung out with several members of the karaoke family, and tried Ethiopian food (you fill up on dip!).
Then we went to Baltimore on Sunday. We were in this real touristy area with like NOTHING open. I ended up having to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch and Chipotle for dinner. They had an aquarium though. With sea turtles, which I think is my new favorite animal (one of them only had three flippers though).

Then came Monday, the worst day of the tour by far. We were back in NYC playing at Webster Hall, which is a DUMP. A big greasy DUMP. The kind you have to take after eating nothing but Cheerios and coffee. It's gross. And everyone in the staff was mean except this one dude who had previously written a nice article about us. One of the guys knocked over Zox's merch table because he said it was near a fire door or something. What a queef. And then the show started and the audience was sparse and basically asleep. They kind of laughed at our videos but weren't really that into it. Come on New York! We live here! Shit!

So after the show I wasn't in that great of a mood, so I went to Pianos for some good old karaoke medicine. I sang "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers and was not pleased at all with my rendition, AND THEN, to top off the evening, I got a "let's just be friends" speech from yet another Hot Girl That I Failed Miserably With. Now, this particular Hot Girl and I will definitely continue to be very good friends, and I'm already pretty much over it (at least I will be after I write this), so it's fine. But I now have like 5 or 6 female friends, and good friends at that, who are all Hot Girls that I tried to date at one time or another. Now, I do love all of them as friends and am probably better off having these ladies as friends than anything else, but it is frustrating to be amassing this collection. It does look really cool when I'm hanging out at a bar with like 3 or 4 of them though. Maybe I should train them all to fight crime and it'll be like "Charlie's Angels."

So anyways, I'm over it now, but yesterday (Tuesday) I was pretty bummed out. Everything from the previous day had left me pretty down in the dumps, and now we were in Waltham, Massachusetts at Brandeis University. The concert seemed to have been put on by a gang of giggling nineteen-year-old girls, but it went pretty smoothly. I was still kind of depressed though. I needed some major cheering up.

Then all of a sudden we booked this after-concert Whitest Kids show at a coffee shop nearby and it was AMAZING. It was the most fun and gratifying time I've had at a show in ages. It was a great environment and the kids were really into it. Brandeis is a Jewish campus, and even when I blamed the existence of AIDS on Jews in our last sketch, they laughed harder than anyone ever has at that joke (I don't really believe that, by the way), and then afterwards we actually sold some CDs and t-shirts! Hosting this Flogging Molly show is pretty fun, but when the kids are actually there to see you, and you get to do a whole show of your own stuff and it goes well, it's awesome. And they gave me a free milkshake.

So yeah I was pretty cheered up then. It had been a pretty excellent day. And then I get to the bus and Sam's mom had brought tons and tons of food. TONS. Cakes, cookies, candy, giant sandwiches, hummus, stuff to eat hummus with, and a little toy cat that poops jelly beans. It was amazing. I'm not gonna have to eat at a Hard Rock for at least three days.

So yeah now I'm in Rochester, pretty cheered up, and eagerly awaiting the next disaster!

Skullz N' Bonez (from Wednesday)

I'm writing from the WKUK merch booth at Toad's Place in New Haven, Connecticut tonight. Home of Yale and the Skull and Bones, my personal favorite evil organization. I heard from Angry Andy, one of Flogging Molly's drivers, that New Haven supposedly is also the birthplace of the hamburger, which they spell "hamburgher," because they're really well-educated and refined here.

Except maybe for that shirtless dude with a very young girl's hand down his pants. He's probably from somewhere else though.

We have a break in New York for three days starting tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited about that. Here's a few reasons why:

1: I get to see people I haven't seen for three weeks.

2: I won't see the people that I've seen every single day over the past three weeks.

3: I get to sleep in my own bed!

4, and this is very important: POOPING IN MY OWN TOILET.

You know, I probably didn't need to capitalize that and make it bold. Sorry.

See you in NYC!

Providence is Really Beautiful! (from Tuesday)

Isn't it? I really like it here. I got to see a lot of the city this morning when I was trying to find a place to poop! I eventually did, and then I bought some Bill Cosby albums.

I'm kind of tired, so I won't be writing much today, but I have an announcement that I keep forgetting to announce:

I WILL BE IN NEW YORK THIS WEEK DOING NOTHING SO LET US HANG OUT. Flogging Molly is going to a wedding in Baltimore so we have a few days off. I'll be around Thursday, Friday and Saturday. For those of you that often go to Plan B on Thursdays, I'll probably be there so look out for me. I'm the guy with a lame attempt at a moustache and a demented, sleep-deprived grin on my face.

Philly Cheesebreak (My Colon)

Well, we've been in Philly for two days now, and as the title infers, we tried the signature cuisine at Geno's and are now all having problems. I'll just leave it at that.

Which brings up an interesting fact about travel on a tour bus: you can't poop. You have to find toilets elsewhere to "do your business." There's not a shower, either, so often enough we have to shower and dump at the venues hosting the concert. Luckily, most of these venues have pretty nice facilities. They also have great security, and you have to show your backstage pass to a guard in order to access the showers.

Today though, nobody asked to see my pass as I entered the shower; the guard instead waited until after I had already bathed to ask to see my pass. I showed it to her and went on my way, but what was she going to do if I didn't have a pass? Ask for my shower back? Make me shove the poop back up my butt? It really didn't make any sense.

We also played in a kid's basement last night and it was really fun. There were only about 15 people there but we had a good time, and Zox (one of the bands we're touring with) came out to see us tell dick jokes. There was a really big dog and a really little dog there. I wanted to see them try to have sex with eachother but the owners weren't really into it. Also there was some drunk dude named Omar, who isn't so much a homeless guy as he is a "man of the Earth," as long as that earth is soft and provides shelter from the police and the elements.

Tomorrow we're going to Rhode Island. I haven't been there before, but I hear that it's pretty small, so I'll be leaving my beer gut at the state line so as not to take up too much space.
Later!

Fear and Rapping in Farmville

Howdy Y'all! First of all, I made a mistake in an earlier post that was kindly pointed out to me by Mr. Goldteeth. I should be sending you all postcards, not the other way around! So sorry! God, I feel like such a jerk!

Don't expect anything though.

So in Farmville last night, we played this "Oktoberfest" thing at Longwood University (haha "Longwood"). They had music all day. In the afternoon they had this country dude playing, and he did a cover of "Beverly Hills" by Weezer. It was about as amazing as you'd think. But when he finished, the lights dimmed, the crowd stared around, confused...

and Youngbloodz took the stage.

Anyone else remember these guys? I think they were famous one summer. Anyways, they tore it up hip-hop style for waaaaay too long. It put the concert behind by about half an hour, and when the sound dudes cut off the music, they kept rapping anyways. It was kind of sad. They also told the audience "if you're here for rock or country, you in the wroooong place."

Wrong, Youngbloodz. YOU in the wrong place. Every other act that day was rock and country, so really, you guys were the anomaly. Now, I actually kind of enjoyed your set, even though you're kind of dicks, but why were you at Longwood University anyways?

Also, every one of their songs include the poetic lyrics "we don't give a damn and we don't give a fuck." Every song. And you know why? Because they just don't.

Later that night, Adam, this merch dude riding on our bus, was accosted at a bar. And by "accosted" I mean that some dude rubbed his naked ass on him while he was peeing. He was apparently trying to do it to his friend, but must have made a last-minute judgment call and decided that Adam was the better target. I think that's a good trick. I'll probably do that some time, so watch out fellas.

Well now we're in Philly for two days. My aunt's taking me out to lunch today. That's pretty much it.

Holy Shit, It's Still Virginia

Now we're in Farmville, Virginia and it's pouring. It's been raining pretty much everywhere we go. Jesus or Mother Nature or Skynet or whomever it is that controls the weather must not like poop jokes and Irish drinking songs very much.

So, when I began this tour, I wrote a thing saying I was never gonna get online and couldn't post blogs, etc. Obviously that was a lie, as I have found the internet pretty much every day, so I do apologize. Today though, I had to go looking for it. Fifteen minutes through the torrential downpour, just so I can approve "Zakk Attak" as a friend. And the coffee shop where the internet lives here in Farmville is staffed by people who sing loudly about the power of Christ when not assisting customers. It's pleasant at first, but it gets weird when they bring out the poisonous snakes.

Is that reference even relevant anymore? Do people still do that?

Anyways, time to go back to the bus, which Trevor and Sam and I nicknamed "Serenity" (after the TV spaceship), but everyone else just calls "the bus."

Onward, Christian Soldiers.

Holy Shit, It's Virginia (from late last night)

I was hung over all day here in Norfolk, Virginia, and what do I do? I go and get drunk with Flogging Molly AGAIN. I was never that familiar with their music, but damn if those bastards can drink! Gee whiz. Anyways, I'm in a very trashed place right now and missing all my NYC peeps quite a bit (I miss y'all when I'm sober too, by the way). Send me a postcard, fuckers! We'll be in Philly in a few days, and after the big concert on Sunday we're gonna do a Whitest Kids show in some kid's basement. I'm pretty pumped for that. Doing these big rock shows and getting our name out there and selling T-shirts is really fun, but doing a full-on "Whitest Kids" show in a town we've never played before is something I'm really looking forward to. Tonight our tour manager Nicole needed some cheese, so I went to Flogging Molly's dressing room and stole some. Don't tell anybody. Well, I should probably go to bed soon, so I bid ye adieu, although I don't know how much sleep I'll get since Sam and Nicole are playing Guitar Hero right now. Uff Da (pronounced "Oof Duh").

Hung. Over.

Drank. Too. Much. Guiness. In. Kentucky. With. Flogging. Molly. Tried. Too. Hard. To. Be. Irish. Bus. Bathroom. Really. Smells. Like. Pee. "Lost." Episode. Disappointing. When. Will. Locke. Build. Robot. And. Fight. Polar. Bears?

ICP Motherfuckers!

(This is from yesterday)
What up bitches! We're in Lawrence, Kansas, and guess what other band is playing here tonight? That's right, motherfuckers! INSANE MUTHAFUCKIN' CLOWN MUTHAFUCKIN' POSSE!!! There's kids everywhere in white and black makeup. Flogging Molly's fans have been pretty crazy so far, but ICP's fans? Sheeeeeeyit. Any kid willing to put on baggy raver pants, paint their faces like a "tough clown" (a bit of an oxymoron), and listen to the worst rap music ever made earns my respect.
Tomorrow we have a day off in Lexington, Kentucky (finally). The plan is to shoot guns, ride horses, and drink bourbon. Simultaneously.

I'm on Tour!

So I'm on tour with the Whitest Kids right now. We're touring with a bunch of rock bands (Zox, Bedouin Soundclash, and Flogging Molly), and we're showing clips from our TV show and doing a little bit of live stuff here and there. I've been blogging a little bit on my MySpace blog, but not so much here. I now present to you my MySpace tour blogs in one volume in chronological order. From here on out, I'll put them in both places. Also, thank you to buddy Chelsea for linking to me on her site. Gracias.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006
...and away I go!!!
Well, this time tomorrow I'll be flying into beautiful (or so I've heard) Vancouver to begin the Whitest Kids World Tour (I can call it "World" since we're going to Canada)!!!
We're actually touring every single city in America! Isn't that crazy? Even Crow Agency, Montana!
Okay not really, but we are going to like 30 different places, most of which I've never been, so that's pretty cool.
I'm very excited. It's gonna be five fabulous weeks of watching the other Whitest Kids sleep! I think I've actually seen them all sleep before, except Zach, so I'll be keeping a watchful eye on him. And taking notes.
I'll also be writing stand-up on tour! Probably about animals and babies!
Not like that, pervert.
I also have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of socks and t-shirts! I might not even have to do laundry!
Many of my family members will be meeting me at different stops! They are totally unprepared for the embarrassment they will feel for being related to me after they see what it is I actually do!
You know what sucks though? We will have no internet for pretty much the whole time. I really wanted to do some sort of "tour blog" or something, but instead I guess I'll just remember everything and then keep it to myself.
Also, I'm gonna see if I can come back from tour with a beard. I have a better chance at coming back with a doctorate in trigonometry, but I might as well try. And it will save me suitcase space since my razor is HUGE (it's steam-powered and from the 1850s).
So anyways, bye-bye!!!

Sunday, September 24, 2006
The Vancouver Round-Up
Well, now we're done at the Vancouver Comedy Festival, and we're just hanging out here today, and then on to Seattle, Washington, AMERICA. We will be expatriates no longer! Or something. Anyways, here's some fun facts about Vancouver:
- Everybody in Vancouver talks about drugs constantly, and if you are there for more than a day, you do too.
- The hookers here are prettier than the hookers in the States.
- Hobo panhandlers are EVERYWHERE, but they're not as crazy as New York's.
- Cigarettes are 9 dollars a pack here. Pot is 25 cents a barrel.
- Ray Fiennes is here.
- People like to stack a bunch of rocks up on top of eachother and make little towers. Hippies.
- There's a tower here with a revolving restaurant that serves delicious sandwiches that take 3 hours to make! And escargot!
- They're shooting an Uwe Boll movie here. He's this insane German director that only makes video game adaptation movies. Yesterday he beat up 4 of his worst critics in a boxing ring for pay-per-view.
Also last night we played a show with lots of awesome people including David Cross, Janeane Garafalo and Scott Thompson. It was a little over-whelming but the show actually went really well, and I drank a lot of free beer! And the after-party was at a lesbian art gallery!
I have no idea what time it is here. My computer has New York time, which is 3:30pm, so I think it's noon on March 31st here.
Well I don't know what kind of internet access we'll have on tour, so this may be my last post for a while, but I'll try and keep the masses (all 22 of you) updated. Word up.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Reno 666
So we had the day off yesterday, and we spent it in Reno. This is one of the most boring and depressing places I have ever been to, and I'm from South Dakota. Sam lost a bunch of money right off the bat, and I think Darren needs to change his name or something. There's a place here that serves 99 cent ham and eggs in the middle of the night. It sounds like a deal, right? But then when you see the restaurant, it's like a truck stop in the middle of a casino and it's full of redneck tourists. Depressing.
I did end the night with 51 more dollars than I started it with though. I just stuck to the slots. No, not the sluts, the SLOTS. I actually didn't see any hookers. I don't know if they have a special place for them here (prostitution is legal) or what, but every alley has a big street sign on it, so that the hookers can find you easily to give you a hookerfuck.
I'm gonna go buy a toenail clipper now. Next we go to Sparks, Nevada, so we'll see if that's any better.

It wasn't.

Thursday, September 28, 2006
Rice-A-Roni
Hi! I'm writing from the dressing room of the Warfield in San Francisco! I didn't think we were gonna play here, but they changed it yesterday! It's an awesome city, but the alley where they have our bus parked is a total crack den alley. There were dudes using our bus to hide behind and smoke crack! And one dude pooped right next to it! It's weird cuz every other part of the town that I saw was nice, except the one block where they decided to park our bus. Sweet. I just got off stage. Zach and I were plugging our show after we showed some video, no funny stuff, just talking, so to spice things up I went up there in only my underpants (I'm actually more comfortable on stage that way, like a stripper)! And tomorrow I'm apparently visiting a brewery! I'm gonna try to get a job as the Sierra Nevada mascot. Yes, I will be in my underwear.
Oh by the way, you can look at pictures from our tour at the troupe's website. And we have a Whitest Kids phone that you can call me at! It's 646-530-3118!
See you later!

Sunday, October 01, 2006
Sitting at a merch table with pizza in my hand...
So the last few days have been fairly uneventful. No crack smoking, no gambling. We have played some nice spots in Chico, Irvine, and tonight in Sacramento, then we get to Denver on Tuesday. OH, we released our CD!!! You can buy it at the What Are Records website! We also partied with Zox and Bedouin Soundclash in our bus last night, and Flogging Molly gave us cookies (they were delicious). I also got to know our bus driver Doc last night. He's from Alabama and has way better jokes than both me and Trevor. Thus he will be taking over the writing of all Whitest Kids material from here on out. The jokes will be much funnier, albeit bus-related.
Also, I have noticed that a lot of families and young kids come to these shows. I'm talking about gangs of 4 and 5 year-olds running around in Flogging Molly gear. It's crazy. In San Fran, a 10 year-old kid told us that we were "hella funny." As soon as I figure out what that meant, I will take it as a very nice compliment.

So here's some things

I'm not sure what that subject meant, but if this post seems a little bitter or mean-spirited, it's because earlier today I saw an old episode of "Tom and Jerry" and it made me mad that nothing that good is being made anymore.
Fueled by that rage, I was considering writing a blog about how I hate pretty much everything about pop culture, but what's the point, really? The celebrity-obsessed mall-silicone-tabloid-Dollar-Menu shit train will just keep chugging along anyways. And shit, maybe if I'm ever famous some day and I get pulled over and slander the Mormons or someone a few weeks before some ridiculous movie I made comes out, I'll be glad that drunk bigotry is now a form of advertisement.
Let's take a poll: how many times a day do you consider cutting? Not like, a lot, but maybe just a few slashes on your thighs, where no one will see? Oh really? Well then maybe I should talk to someone.*
There's a banner on this page with a little oil-drilling game on it, and it's flashing "YOU LOSE" at me every 10 seconds or so. Even when I don't play the game, I still lose. That's actually very poetic. Good job, "Strike Oil!" game!
I'm going to bed soon. I have to put the sheets back on first, because I kicked them off in my sleep last night, probably because I was having that crazy dream where I fall on broken glass again. I don't think it means anything, I think I just keep having it because I keep remembering it, and because falling on broken glass is badass (it worked for Bruce Willis).
I bet those kids already spent all the money they got from selling my iPod. Probably didn't even invest it or anything.
I know I'm only 25 (and a half), but I'm already starting to wonder if I'm ever gonna get to see a gorilla in person. I mean in ape.
I saw part of "Deuce Bigalow 2" today. Rob Schneider...that's it. That's all I got. He has moved past the point of insults. In a way, he has become so bad that he is now invincible. I guess if nothing else works out, I'll just do that too. It works for him (and Bruce Willis).


*Don't worry, that thing about cutting was just a joke. I would NEVER do that. I obviously enjoy having skin, which is why I cultivate a reserve of it on my abdomen.

To the kid who just stole my iPod on the G train

Wow, where to begin? I can't believe that this enriching, life-changing event is already over! I'm sure that I will want to revisit this moment later on in life though, so I've organized my thoughts into several bullet points:

1. A 30GB iPod Video is probably only worth about 200$ street value. You probably will have to split that ransom with your 2 friends, so that only gives you guys about one whole day, if that, of not being poor. Enjoy it.

2. Given your baggy shorts, basketball shoes, and the racial slurs that you referred to your friends with, I'm guessing that you like hip-hop music. Though my appearance may suggest otherwise, there is unfortunately not much of that kind of music on my iPod, although it does contain the seminal N.W.A. album "Straight Outta Compton." Aside from that though, get set for a lot of Weird Al and hair metal.

3. I was just getting into that episode of "Battlestar Galactica" that I was watching on my iPod when you nabbed it. If you press that circular button in the middle, you'll see that I was in fact only about 10 minutes into the very first episode of the series! How dare you! I don't even know if I can ever watch that show again now for fear of it causing flashbacks of your skinny teen arm, with it's shitty cursive tattoo of your name on it, plucking it from my hands! Thanks for ruining for me what I have heard is a great show.

4. Is an iPod really gonna make your dad stop drinking? Or your 13-year-old girlfriend un-pregnant? No. You should've stolen my book-bag if you wanted a tool to assist you with those problems (claw hammer).

5. After the robbery, I, like many victims before me, enivisioned many scenarios which involved me defeating you in various combat situations. I just want you to know that every single one of those imaginary scenarios involved the words "curb," "check," "family," and "rape."

6. You may be interested to know that I happened upon my iPod in a manner not all that different from the manner in which you happened upon it: I bought it from a store with my hard-earned money. Oh wait. That's totally different. FUCK YOU.

7. You know what? I'm really not all that mad about it. You know why? Because tomorrow I'll go out and buy a new one, and you'll spend the day sleeping on your mom and Todd's floor, smoking out of a light bulb and staring at my iPod, wondering what the fuck a Whitesnake is.

NO PLUTO?!?

NO MORE PLUTO?!?!? REALLY??

Hootkins

Just to bring everyone up to speed, do you all know about William Hootkins?



You probably recognize this guy, but you may not be aware of his significance (I was not until very recently). This guy was in "Star Wars," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," AND "Batman!" When I found this out, I almost* pooped barf! This dude was in what are probably the three most formative movies of my childhood! Maybe that's not actually a good thing, considering I'm kind of a weirdo now, but the guy still deserves some respect. He's dead, so he probably won't hear you when you give it to him, but you should anyways. And as I was fact-checking to make sure he was actually dead and that I wouldn't be labeled a liar, guess what else I just now found out? He was going to be in "Jurassic Park" too, but couldn't do it! That's insane! Had he done that, he would have been more important than God in the minds of millions! Since he missed out on "JP" though, he's only bigger than Jesus, which means he still has John Lennon and God to top. I'm also working on an impression of him, based primarily on his work from "Batman." Ask me next time you see me.




*I actually did, but I felt too embarrassed to write about it here**.

**Shit. I just did.

I did it!

I FINALLY bought an air conditioner. I really don't have that much to say on the subject except "take that, ozone layer!"

Also, I spent Monday in a tank top in the sun and now have the worst sunburn I have ever gotten on my shoulders. Everything else is fine, but my shoulders look like the surface of Mars and feel like someone is contantly burning them with a cigarette lighter. And then last week, I spent a few hours sitting between two topless women. That did not cause any burning sensations, but had it gone further that just sitting between them, it probably would have.

That was a joke about STDs, Mom. I hope you enjoyed it.