I'm writing from the WKUK merch booth at Toad's Place in New Haven, Connecticut tonight. Home of Yale and the Skull and Bones, my personal favorite evil organization. I heard from Angry Andy, one of Flogging Molly's drivers, that New Haven supposedly is also the birthplace of the hamburger, which they spell "hamburgher," because they're really well-educated and refined here.
Except maybe for that shirtless dude with a very young girl's hand down his pants. He's probably from somewhere else though.
We have a break in New York for three days starting tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited about that. Here's a few reasons why:
1: I get to see people I haven't seen for three weeks.
2: I won't see the people that I've seen every single day over the past three weeks.
3: I get to sleep in my own bed!
4, and this is very important: POOPING IN MY OWN TOILET.
You know, I probably didn't need to capitalize that and make it bold. Sorry.
See you in NYC!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Providence is Really Beautiful! (from Tuesday)
Isn't it? I really like it here. I got to see a lot of the city this morning when I was trying to find a place to poop! I eventually did, and then I bought some Bill Cosby albums.
I'm kind of tired, so I won't be writing much today, but I have an announcement that I keep forgetting to announce:
I WILL BE IN NEW YORK THIS WEEK DOING NOTHING SO LET US HANG OUT. Flogging Molly is going to a wedding in Baltimore so we have a few days off. I'll be around Thursday, Friday and Saturday. For those of you that often go to Plan B on Thursdays, I'll probably be there so look out for me. I'm the guy with a lame attempt at a moustache and a demented, sleep-deprived grin on my face.
I'm kind of tired, so I won't be writing much today, but I have an announcement that I keep forgetting to announce:
I WILL BE IN NEW YORK THIS WEEK DOING NOTHING SO LET US HANG OUT. Flogging Molly is going to a wedding in Baltimore so we have a few days off. I'll be around Thursday, Friday and Saturday. For those of you that often go to Plan B on Thursdays, I'll probably be there so look out for me. I'm the guy with a lame attempt at a moustache and a demented, sleep-deprived grin on my face.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Philly Cheesebreak (My Colon)
Well, we've been in Philly for two days now, and as the title infers, we tried the signature cuisine at Geno's and are now all having problems. I'll just leave it at that.
Which brings up an interesting fact about travel on a tour bus: you can't poop. You have to find toilets elsewhere to "do your business." There's not a shower, either, so often enough we have to shower and dump at the venues hosting the concert. Luckily, most of these venues have pretty nice facilities. They also have great security, and you have to show your backstage pass to a guard in order to access the showers.
Today though, nobody asked to see my pass as I entered the shower; the guard instead waited until after I had already bathed to ask to see my pass. I showed it to her and went on my way, but what was she going to do if I didn't have a pass? Ask for my shower back? Make me shove the poop back up my butt? It really didn't make any sense.
We also played in a kid's basement last night and it was really fun. There were only about 15 people there but we had a good time, and Zox (one of the bands we're touring with) came out to see us tell dick jokes. There was a really big dog and a really little dog there. I wanted to see them try to have sex with eachother but the owners weren't really into it. Also there was some drunk dude named Omar, who isn't so much a homeless guy as he is a "man of the Earth," as long as that earth is soft and provides shelter from the police and the elements.
Tomorrow we're going to Rhode Island. I haven't been there before, but I hear that it's pretty small, so I'll be leaving my beer gut at the state line so as not to take up too much space.
Later!
Which brings up an interesting fact about travel on a tour bus: you can't poop. You have to find toilets elsewhere to "do your business." There's not a shower, either, so often enough we have to shower and dump at the venues hosting the concert. Luckily, most of these venues have pretty nice facilities. They also have great security, and you have to show your backstage pass to a guard in order to access the showers.
Today though, nobody asked to see my pass as I entered the shower; the guard instead waited until after I had already bathed to ask to see my pass. I showed it to her and went on my way, but what was she going to do if I didn't have a pass? Ask for my shower back? Make me shove the poop back up my butt? It really didn't make any sense.
We also played in a kid's basement last night and it was really fun. There were only about 15 people there but we had a good time, and Zox (one of the bands we're touring with) came out to see us tell dick jokes. There was a really big dog and a really little dog there. I wanted to see them try to have sex with eachother but the owners weren't really into it. Also there was some drunk dude named Omar, who isn't so much a homeless guy as he is a "man of the Earth," as long as that earth is soft and provides shelter from the police and the elements.
Tomorrow we're going to Rhode Island. I haven't been there before, but I hear that it's pretty small, so I'll be leaving my beer gut at the state line so as not to take up too much space.
Later!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Fear and Rapping in Farmville
Howdy Y'all! First of all, I made a mistake in an earlier post that was kindly pointed out to me by Mr. Goldteeth. I should be sending you all postcards, not the other way around! So sorry! God, I feel like such a jerk!
Don't expect anything though.
So in Farmville last night, we played this "Oktoberfest" thing at Longwood University (haha "Longwood"). They had music all day. In the afternoon they had this country dude playing, and he did a cover of "Beverly Hills" by Weezer. It was about as amazing as you'd think. But when he finished, the lights dimmed, the crowd stared around, confused...
and Youngbloodz took the stage.
Anyone else remember these guys? I think they were famous one summer. Anyways, they tore it up hip-hop style for waaaaay too long. It put the concert behind by about half an hour, and when the sound dudes cut off the music, they kept rapping anyways. It was kind of sad. They also told the audience "if you're here for rock or country, you in the wroooong place."
Wrong, Youngbloodz. YOU in the wrong place. Every other act that day was rock and country, so really, you guys were the anomaly. Now, I actually kind of enjoyed your set, even though you're kind of dicks, but why were you at Longwood University anyways?
Also, every one of their songs include the poetic lyrics "we don't give a damn and we don't give a fuck." Every song. And you know why? Because they just don't.
Later that night, Adam, this merch dude riding on our bus, was accosted at a bar. And by "accosted" I mean that some dude rubbed his naked ass on him while he was peeing. He was apparently trying to do it to his friend, but must have made a last-minute judgment call and decided that Adam was the better target. I think that's a good trick. I'll probably do that some time, so watch out fellas.
Well now we're in Philly for two days. My aunt's taking me out to lunch today. That's pretty much it.
Don't expect anything though.
So in Farmville last night, we played this "Oktoberfest" thing at Longwood University (haha "Longwood"). They had music all day. In the afternoon they had this country dude playing, and he did a cover of "Beverly Hills" by Weezer. It was about as amazing as you'd think. But when he finished, the lights dimmed, the crowd stared around, confused...
and Youngbloodz took the stage.
Anyone else remember these guys? I think they were famous one summer. Anyways, they tore it up hip-hop style for waaaaay too long. It put the concert behind by about half an hour, and when the sound dudes cut off the music, they kept rapping anyways. It was kind of sad. They also told the audience "if you're here for rock or country, you in the wroooong place."
Wrong, Youngbloodz. YOU in the wrong place. Every other act that day was rock and country, so really, you guys were the anomaly. Now, I actually kind of enjoyed your set, even though you're kind of dicks, but why were you at Longwood University anyways?
Also, every one of their songs include the poetic lyrics "we don't give a damn and we don't give a fuck." Every song. And you know why? Because they just don't.
Later that night, Adam, this merch dude riding on our bus, was accosted at a bar. And by "accosted" I mean that some dude rubbed his naked ass on him while he was peeing. He was apparently trying to do it to his friend, but must have made a last-minute judgment call and decided that Adam was the better target. I think that's a good trick. I'll probably do that some time, so watch out fellas.
Well now we're in Philly for two days. My aunt's taking me out to lunch today. That's pretty much it.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Holy Shit, It's Still Virginia
Now we're in Farmville, Virginia and it's pouring. It's been raining pretty much everywhere we go. Jesus or Mother Nature or Skynet or whomever it is that controls the weather must not like poop jokes and Irish drinking songs very much.
So, when I began this tour, I wrote a thing saying I was never gonna get online and couldn't post blogs, etc. Obviously that was a lie, as I have found the internet pretty much every day, so I do apologize. Today though, I had to go looking for it. Fifteen minutes through the torrential downpour, just so I can approve "Zakk Attak" as a friend. And the coffee shop where the internet lives here in Farmville is staffed by people who sing loudly about the power of Christ when not assisting customers. It's pleasant at first, but it gets weird when they bring out the poisonous snakes.
Is that reference even relevant anymore? Do people still do that?
Anyways, time to go back to the bus, which Trevor and Sam and I nicknamed "Serenity" (after the TV spaceship), but everyone else just calls "the bus."
Onward, Christian Soldiers.
So, when I began this tour, I wrote a thing saying I was never gonna get online and couldn't post blogs, etc. Obviously that was a lie, as I have found the internet pretty much every day, so I do apologize. Today though, I had to go looking for it. Fifteen minutes through the torrential downpour, just so I can approve "Zakk Attak" as a friend. And the coffee shop where the internet lives here in Farmville is staffed by people who sing loudly about the power of Christ when not assisting customers. It's pleasant at first, but it gets weird when they bring out the poisonous snakes.
Is that reference even relevant anymore? Do people still do that?
Anyways, time to go back to the bus, which Trevor and Sam and I nicknamed "Serenity" (after the TV spaceship), but everyone else just calls "the bus."
Onward, Christian Soldiers.
Holy Shit, It's Virginia (from late last night)
I was hung over all day here in Norfolk, Virginia, and what do I do? I go and get drunk with Flogging Molly AGAIN. I was never that familiar with their music, but damn if those bastards can drink! Gee whiz. Anyways, I'm in a very trashed place right now and missing all my NYC peeps quite a bit (I miss y'all when I'm sober too, by the way). Send me a postcard, fuckers! We'll be in Philly in a few days, and after the big concert on Sunday we're gonna do a Whitest Kids show in some kid's basement. I'm pretty pumped for that. Doing these big rock shows and getting our name out there and selling T-shirts is really fun, but doing a full-on "Whitest Kids" show in a town we've never played before is something I'm really looking forward to. Tonight our tour manager Nicole needed some cheese, so I went to Flogging Molly's dressing room and stole some. Don't tell anybody. Well, I should probably go to bed soon, so I bid ye adieu, although I don't know how much sleep I'll get since Sam and Nicole are playing Guitar Hero right now. Uff Da (pronounced "Oof Duh").
Friday, October 06, 2006
Hung. Over.
Drank. Too. Much. Guiness. In. Kentucky. With. Flogging. Molly. Tried. Too. Hard. To. Be. Irish. Bus. Bathroom. Really. Smells. Like. Pee. "Lost." Episode. Disappointing. When. Will. Locke. Build. Robot. And. Fight. Polar. Bears?
Thursday, October 05, 2006
ICP Motherfuckers!
(This is from yesterday)
What up bitches! We're in Lawrence, Kansas, and guess what other band is playing here tonight? That's right, motherfuckers! INSANE MUTHAFUCKIN' CLOWN MUTHAFUCKIN' POSSE!!! There's kids everywhere in white and black makeup. Flogging Molly's fans have been pretty crazy so far, but ICP's fans? Sheeeeeeyit. Any kid willing to put on baggy raver pants, paint their faces like a "tough clown" (a bit of an oxymoron), and listen to the worst rap music ever made earns my respect.
Tomorrow we have a day off in Lexington, Kentucky (finally). The plan is to shoot guns, ride horses, and drink bourbon. Simultaneously.
What up bitches! We're in Lawrence, Kansas, and guess what other band is playing here tonight? That's right, motherfuckers! INSANE MUTHAFUCKIN' CLOWN MUTHAFUCKIN' POSSE!!! There's kids everywhere in white and black makeup. Flogging Molly's fans have been pretty crazy so far, but ICP's fans? Sheeeeeeyit. Any kid willing to put on baggy raver pants, paint their faces like a "tough clown" (a bit of an oxymoron), and listen to the worst rap music ever made earns my respect.
Tomorrow we have a day off in Lexington, Kentucky (finally). The plan is to shoot guns, ride horses, and drink bourbon. Simultaneously.
Monday, October 02, 2006
I'm on Tour!
So I'm on tour with the Whitest Kids right now. We're touring with a bunch of rock bands (Zox, Bedouin Soundclash, and Flogging Molly), and we're showing clips from our TV show and doing a little bit of live stuff here and there. I've been blogging a little bit on my MySpace blog, but not so much here. I now present to you my MySpace tour blogs in one volume in chronological order. From here on out, I'll put them in both places. Also, thank you to buddy Chelsea for linking to me on her site. Gracias.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
...and away I go!!!
Well, this time tomorrow I'll be flying into beautiful (or so I've heard) Vancouver to begin the Whitest Kids World Tour (I can call it "World" since we're going to Canada)!!!
We're actually touring every single city in America! Isn't that crazy? Even Crow Agency, Montana!
Okay not really, but we are going to like 30 different places, most of which I've never been, so that's pretty cool.
I'm very excited. It's gonna be five fabulous weeks of watching the other Whitest Kids sleep! I think I've actually seen them all sleep before, except Zach, so I'll be keeping a watchful eye on him. And taking notes.
I'll also be writing stand-up on tour! Probably about animals and babies!
Not like that, pervert.
I also have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of socks and t-shirts! I might not even have to do laundry!
Many of my family members will be meeting me at different stops! They are totally unprepared for the embarrassment they will feel for being related to me after they see what it is I actually do!
You know what sucks though? We will have no internet for pretty much the whole time. I really wanted to do some sort of "tour blog" or something, but instead I guess I'll just remember everything and then keep it to myself.
Also, I'm gonna see if I can come back from tour with a beard. I have a better chance at coming back with a doctorate in trigonometry, but I might as well try. And it will save me suitcase space since my razor is HUGE (it's steam-powered and from the 1850s).
So anyways, bye-bye!!!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
The Vancouver Round-Up
Well, now we're done at the Vancouver Comedy Festival, and we're just hanging out here today, and then on to Seattle, Washington, AMERICA. We will be expatriates no longer! Or something. Anyways, here's some fun facts about Vancouver:
- Everybody in Vancouver talks about drugs constantly, and if you are there for more than a day, you do too.
- The hookers here are prettier than the hookers in the States.
- Hobo panhandlers are EVERYWHERE, but they're not as crazy as New York's.
- Cigarettes are 9 dollars a pack here. Pot is 25 cents a barrel.
- Ray Fiennes is here.
- People like to stack a bunch of rocks up on top of eachother and make little towers. Hippies.
- There's a tower here with a revolving restaurant that serves delicious sandwiches that take 3 hours to make! And escargot!
- They're shooting an Uwe Boll movie here. He's this insane German director that only makes video game adaptation movies. Yesterday he beat up 4 of his worst critics in a boxing ring for pay-per-view.
Also last night we played a show with lots of awesome people including David Cross, Janeane Garafalo and Scott Thompson. It was a little over-whelming but the show actually went really well, and I drank a lot of free beer! And the after-party was at a lesbian art gallery!
I have no idea what time it is here. My computer has New York time, which is 3:30pm, so I think it's noon on March 31st here.
Well I don't know what kind of internet access we'll have on tour, so this may be my last post for a while, but I'll try and keep the masses (all 22 of you) updated. Word up.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Reno 666
So we had the day off yesterday, and we spent it in Reno. This is one of the most boring and depressing places I have ever been to, and I'm from South Dakota. Sam lost a bunch of money right off the bat, and I think Darren needs to change his name or something. There's a place here that serves 99 cent ham and eggs in the middle of the night. It sounds like a deal, right? But then when you see the restaurant, it's like a truck stop in the middle of a casino and it's full of redneck tourists. Depressing.
I did end the night with 51 more dollars than I started it with though. I just stuck to the slots. No, not the sluts, the SLOTS. I actually didn't see any hookers. I don't know if they have a special place for them here (prostitution is legal) or what, but every alley has a big street sign on it, so that the hookers can find you easily to give you a hookerfuck.
I'm gonna go buy a toenail clipper now. Next we go to Sparks, Nevada, so we'll see if that's any better.
It wasn't.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Rice-A-Roni
Hi! I'm writing from the dressing room of the Warfield in San Francisco! I didn't think we were gonna play here, but they changed it yesterday! It's an awesome city, but the alley where they have our bus parked is a total crack den alley. There were dudes using our bus to hide behind and smoke crack! And one dude pooped right next to it! It's weird cuz every other part of the town that I saw was nice, except the one block where they decided to park our bus. Sweet. I just got off stage. Zach and I were plugging our show after we showed some video, no funny stuff, just talking, so to spice things up I went up there in only my underpants (I'm actually more comfortable on stage that way, like a stripper)! And tomorrow I'm apparently visiting a brewery! I'm gonna try to get a job as the Sierra Nevada mascot. Yes, I will be in my underwear.
Oh by the way, you can look at pictures from our tour at the troupe's website. And we have a Whitest Kids phone that you can call me at! It's 646-530-3118!
See you later!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Sitting at a merch table with pizza in my hand...
So the last few days have been fairly uneventful. No crack smoking, no gambling. We have played some nice spots in Chico, Irvine, and tonight in Sacramento, then we get to Denver on Tuesday. OH, we released our CD!!! You can buy it at the What Are Records website! We also partied with Zox and Bedouin Soundclash in our bus last night, and Flogging Molly gave us cookies (they were delicious). I also got to know our bus driver Doc last night. He's from Alabama and has way better jokes than both me and Trevor. Thus he will be taking over the writing of all Whitest Kids material from here on out. The jokes will be much funnier, albeit bus-related.
Also, I have noticed that a lot of families and young kids come to these shows. I'm talking about gangs of 4 and 5 year-olds running around in Flogging Molly gear. It's crazy. In San Fran, a 10 year-old kid told us that we were "hella funny." As soon as I figure out what that meant, I will take it as a very nice compliment.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
...and away I go!!!
Well, this time tomorrow I'll be flying into beautiful (or so I've heard) Vancouver to begin the Whitest Kids World Tour (I can call it "World" since we're going to Canada)!!!
We're actually touring every single city in America! Isn't that crazy? Even Crow Agency, Montana!
Okay not really, but we are going to like 30 different places, most of which I've never been, so that's pretty cool.
I'm very excited. It's gonna be five fabulous weeks of watching the other Whitest Kids sleep! I think I've actually seen them all sleep before, except Zach, so I'll be keeping a watchful eye on him. And taking notes.
I'll also be writing stand-up on tour! Probably about animals and babies!
Not like that, pervert.
I also have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of socks and t-shirts! I might not even have to do laundry!
Many of my family members will be meeting me at different stops! They are totally unprepared for the embarrassment they will feel for being related to me after they see what it is I actually do!
You know what sucks though? We will have no internet for pretty much the whole time. I really wanted to do some sort of "tour blog" or something, but instead I guess I'll just remember everything and then keep it to myself.
Also, I'm gonna see if I can come back from tour with a beard. I have a better chance at coming back with a doctorate in trigonometry, but I might as well try. And it will save me suitcase space since my razor is HUGE (it's steam-powered and from the 1850s).
So anyways, bye-bye!!!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
The Vancouver Round-Up
Well, now we're done at the Vancouver Comedy Festival, and we're just hanging out here today, and then on to Seattle, Washington, AMERICA. We will be expatriates no longer! Or something. Anyways, here's some fun facts about Vancouver:
- Everybody in Vancouver talks about drugs constantly, and if you are there for more than a day, you do too.
- The hookers here are prettier than the hookers in the States.
- Hobo panhandlers are EVERYWHERE, but they're not as crazy as New York's.
- Cigarettes are 9 dollars a pack here. Pot is 25 cents a barrel.
- Ray Fiennes is here.
- People like to stack a bunch of rocks up on top of eachother and make little towers. Hippies.
- There's a tower here with a revolving restaurant that serves delicious sandwiches that take 3 hours to make! And escargot!
- They're shooting an Uwe Boll movie here. He's this insane German director that only makes video game adaptation movies. Yesterday he beat up 4 of his worst critics in a boxing ring for pay-per-view.
Also last night we played a show with lots of awesome people including David Cross, Janeane Garafalo and Scott Thompson. It was a little over-whelming but the show actually went really well, and I drank a lot of free beer! And the after-party was at a lesbian art gallery!
I have no idea what time it is here. My computer has New York time, which is 3:30pm, so I think it's noon on March 31st here.
Well I don't know what kind of internet access we'll have on tour, so this may be my last post for a while, but I'll try and keep the masses (all 22 of you) updated. Word up.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Reno 666
So we had the day off yesterday, and we spent it in Reno. This is one of the most boring and depressing places I have ever been to, and I'm from South Dakota. Sam lost a bunch of money right off the bat, and I think Darren needs to change his name or something. There's a place here that serves 99 cent ham and eggs in the middle of the night. It sounds like a deal, right? But then when you see the restaurant, it's like a truck stop in the middle of a casino and it's full of redneck tourists. Depressing.
I did end the night with 51 more dollars than I started it with though. I just stuck to the slots. No, not the sluts, the SLOTS. I actually didn't see any hookers. I don't know if they have a special place for them here (prostitution is legal) or what, but every alley has a big street sign on it, so that the hookers can find you easily to give you a hookerfuck.
I'm gonna go buy a toenail clipper now. Next we go to Sparks, Nevada, so we'll see if that's any better.
It wasn't.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Rice-A-Roni
Hi! I'm writing from the dressing room of the Warfield in San Francisco! I didn't think we were gonna play here, but they changed it yesterday! It's an awesome city, but the alley where they have our bus parked is a total crack den alley. There were dudes using our bus to hide behind and smoke crack! And one dude pooped right next to it! It's weird cuz every other part of the town that I saw was nice, except the one block where they decided to park our bus. Sweet. I just got off stage. Zach and I were plugging our show after we showed some video, no funny stuff, just talking, so to spice things up I went up there in only my underpants (I'm actually more comfortable on stage that way, like a stripper)! And tomorrow I'm apparently visiting a brewery! I'm gonna try to get a job as the Sierra Nevada mascot. Yes, I will be in my underwear.
Oh by the way, you can look at pictures from our tour at the troupe's website. And we have a Whitest Kids phone that you can call me at! It's 646-530-3118!
See you later!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Sitting at a merch table with pizza in my hand...
So the last few days have been fairly uneventful. No crack smoking, no gambling. We have played some nice spots in Chico, Irvine, and tonight in Sacramento, then we get to Denver on Tuesday. OH, we released our CD!!! You can buy it at the What Are Records website! We also partied with Zox and Bedouin Soundclash in our bus last night, and Flogging Molly gave us cookies (they were delicious). I also got to know our bus driver Doc last night. He's from Alabama and has way better jokes than both me and Trevor. Thus he will be taking over the writing of all Whitest Kids material from here on out. The jokes will be much funnier, albeit bus-related.
Also, I have noticed that a lot of families and young kids come to these shows. I'm talking about gangs of 4 and 5 year-olds running around in Flogging Molly gear. It's crazy. In San Fran, a 10 year-old kid told us that we were "hella funny." As soon as I figure out what that meant, I will take it as a very nice compliment.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
So here's some things
I'm not sure what that subject meant, but if this post seems a little bitter or mean-spirited, it's because earlier today I saw an old episode of "Tom and Jerry" and it made me mad that nothing that good is being made anymore.
Fueled by that rage, I was considering writing a blog about how I hate pretty much everything about pop culture, but what's the point, really? The celebrity-obsessed mall-silicone-tabloid-Dollar-Menu shit train will just keep chugging along anyways. And shit, maybe if I'm ever famous some day and I get pulled over and slander the Mormons or someone a few weeks before some ridiculous movie I made comes out, I'll be glad that drunk bigotry is now a form of advertisement.
Let's take a poll: how many times a day do you consider cutting? Not like, a lot, but maybe just a few slashes on your thighs, where no one will see? Oh really? Well then maybe I should talk to someone.*
There's a banner on this page with a little oil-drilling game on it, and it's flashing "YOU LOSE" at me every 10 seconds or so. Even when I don't play the game, I still lose. That's actually very poetic. Good job, "Strike Oil!" game!
I'm going to bed soon. I have to put the sheets back on first, because I kicked them off in my sleep last night, probably because I was having that crazy dream where I fall on broken glass again. I don't think it means anything, I think I just keep having it because I keep remembering it, and because falling on broken glass is badass (it worked for Bruce Willis).
I bet those kids already spent all the money they got from selling my iPod. Probably didn't even invest it or anything.
I know I'm only 25 (and a half), but I'm already starting to wonder if I'm ever gonna get to see a gorilla in person. I mean in ape.
I saw part of "Deuce Bigalow 2" today. Rob Schneider...that's it. That's all I got. He has moved past the point of insults. In a way, he has become so bad that he is now invincible. I guess if nothing else works out, I'll just do that too. It works for him (and Bruce Willis).
*Don't worry, that thing about cutting was just a joke. I would NEVER do that. I obviously enjoy having skin, which is why I cultivate a reserve of it on my abdomen.
Fueled by that rage, I was considering writing a blog about how I hate pretty much everything about pop culture, but what's the point, really? The celebrity-obsessed mall-silicone-tabloid-Dollar-Menu shit train will just keep chugging along anyways. And shit, maybe if I'm ever famous some day and I get pulled over and slander the Mormons or someone a few weeks before some ridiculous movie I made comes out, I'll be glad that drunk bigotry is now a form of advertisement.
Let's take a poll: how many times a day do you consider cutting? Not like, a lot, but maybe just a few slashes on your thighs, where no one will see? Oh really? Well then maybe I should talk to someone.*
There's a banner on this page with a little oil-drilling game on it, and it's flashing "YOU LOSE" at me every 10 seconds or so. Even when I don't play the game, I still lose. That's actually very poetic. Good job, "Strike Oil!" game!
I'm going to bed soon. I have to put the sheets back on first, because I kicked them off in my sleep last night, probably because I was having that crazy dream where I fall on broken glass again. I don't think it means anything, I think I just keep having it because I keep remembering it, and because falling on broken glass is badass (it worked for Bruce Willis).
I bet those kids already spent all the money they got from selling my iPod. Probably didn't even invest it or anything.
I know I'm only 25 (and a half), but I'm already starting to wonder if I'm ever gonna get to see a gorilla in person. I mean in ape.
I saw part of "Deuce Bigalow 2" today. Rob Schneider...that's it. That's all I got. He has moved past the point of insults. In a way, he has become so bad that he is now invincible. I guess if nothing else works out, I'll just do that too. It works for him (and Bruce Willis).
*Don't worry, that thing about cutting was just a joke. I would NEVER do that. I obviously enjoy having skin, which is why I cultivate a reserve of it on my abdomen.
Monday, September 11, 2006
To the kid who just stole my iPod on the G train
Wow, where to begin? I can't believe that this enriching, life-changing event is already over! I'm sure that I will want to revisit this moment later on in life though, so I've organized my thoughts into several bullet points:
1. A 30GB iPod Video is probably only worth about 200$ street value. You probably will have to split that ransom with your 2 friends, so that only gives you guys about one whole day, if that, of not being poor. Enjoy it.
2. Given your baggy shorts, basketball shoes, and the racial slurs that you referred to your friends with, I'm guessing that you like hip-hop music. Though my appearance may suggest otherwise, there is unfortunately not much of that kind of music on my iPod, although it does contain the seminal N.W.A. album "Straight Outta Compton." Aside from that though, get set for a lot of Weird Al and hair metal.
3. I was just getting into that episode of "Battlestar Galactica" that I was watching on my iPod when you nabbed it. If you press that circular button in the middle, you'll see that I was in fact only about 10 minutes into the very first episode of the series! How dare you! I don't even know if I can ever watch that show again now for fear of it causing flashbacks of your skinny teen arm, with it's shitty cursive tattoo of your name on it, plucking it from my hands! Thanks for ruining for me what I have heard is a great show.
4. Is an iPod really gonna make your dad stop drinking? Or your 13-year-old girlfriend un-pregnant? No. You should've stolen my book-bag if you wanted a tool to assist you with those problems (claw hammer).
5. After the robbery, I, like many victims before me, enivisioned many scenarios which involved me defeating you in various combat situations. I just want you to know that every single one of those imaginary scenarios involved the words "curb," "check," "family," and "rape."
6. You may be interested to know that I happened upon my iPod in a manner not all that different from the manner in which you happened upon it: I bought it from a store with my hard-earned money. Oh wait. That's totally different. FUCK YOU.
7. You know what? I'm really not all that mad about it. You know why? Because tomorrow I'll go out and buy a new one, and you'll spend the day sleeping on your mom and Todd's floor, smoking out of a light bulb and staring at my iPod, wondering what the fuck a Whitesnake is.
1. A 30GB iPod Video is probably only worth about 200$ street value. You probably will have to split that ransom with your 2 friends, so that only gives you guys about one whole day, if that, of not being poor. Enjoy it.
2. Given your baggy shorts, basketball shoes, and the racial slurs that you referred to your friends with, I'm guessing that you like hip-hop music. Though my appearance may suggest otherwise, there is unfortunately not much of that kind of music on my iPod, although it does contain the seminal N.W.A. album "Straight Outta Compton." Aside from that though, get set for a lot of Weird Al and hair metal.
3. I was just getting into that episode of "Battlestar Galactica" that I was watching on my iPod when you nabbed it. If you press that circular button in the middle, you'll see that I was in fact only about 10 minutes into the very first episode of the series! How dare you! I don't even know if I can ever watch that show again now for fear of it causing flashbacks of your skinny teen arm, with it's shitty cursive tattoo of your name on it, plucking it from my hands! Thanks for ruining for me what I have heard is a great show.
4. Is an iPod really gonna make your dad stop drinking? Or your 13-year-old girlfriend un-pregnant? No. You should've stolen my book-bag if you wanted a tool to assist you with those problems (claw hammer).
5. After the robbery, I, like many victims before me, enivisioned many scenarios which involved me defeating you in various combat situations. I just want you to know that every single one of those imaginary scenarios involved the words "curb," "check," "family," and "rape."
6. You may be interested to know that I happened upon my iPod in a manner not all that different from the manner in which you happened upon it: I bought it from a store with my hard-earned money. Oh wait. That's totally different. FUCK YOU.
7. You know what? I'm really not all that mad about it. You know why? Because tomorrow I'll go out and buy a new one, and you'll spend the day sleeping on your mom and Todd's floor, smoking out of a light bulb and staring at my iPod, wondering what the fuck a Whitesnake is.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Hootkins
Just to bring everyone up to speed, do you all know about William Hootkins?
You probably recognize this guy, but you may not be aware of his significance (I was not until very recently). This guy was in "Star Wars," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," AND "Batman!" When I found this out, I almost* pooped barf! This dude was in what are probably the three most formative movies of my childhood! Maybe that's not actually a good thing, considering I'm kind of a weirdo now, but the guy still deserves some respect. He's dead, so he probably won't hear you when you give it to him, but you should anyways. And as I was fact-checking to make sure he was actually dead and that I wouldn't be labeled a liar, guess what else I just now found out? He was going to be in "Jurassic Park" too, but couldn't do it! That's insane! Had he done that, he would have been more important than God in the minds of millions! Since he missed out on "JP" though, he's only bigger than Jesus, which means he still has John Lennon and God to top. I'm also working on an impression of him, based primarily on his work from "Batman." Ask me next time you see me.
*I actually did, but I felt too embarrassed to write about it here**.
**Shit. I just did.
You probably recognize this guy, but you may not be aware of his significance (I was not until very recently). This guy was in "Star Wars," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," AND "Batman!" When I found this out, I almost* pooped barf! This dude was in what are probably the three most formative movies of my childhood! Maybe that's not actually a good thing, considering I'm kind of a weirdo now, but the guy still deserves some respect. He's dead, so he probably won't hear you when you give it to him, but you should anyways. And as I was fact-checking to make sure he was actually dead and that I wouldn't be labeled a liar, guess what else I just now found out? He was going to be in "Jurassic Park" too, but couldn't do it! That's insane! Had he done that, he would have been more important than God in the minds of millions! Since he missed out on "JP" though, he's only bigger than Jesus, which means he still has John Lennon and God to top. I'm also working on an impression of him, based primarily on his work from "Batman." Ask me next time you see me.
*I actually did, but I felt too embarrassed to write about it here**.
**Shit. I just did.
I did it!
I FINALLY bought an air conditioner. I really don't have that much to say on the subject except "take that, ozone layer!"
Also, I spent Monday in a tank top in the sun and now have the worst sunburn I have ever gotten on my shoulders. Everything else is fine, but my shoulders look like the surface of Mars and feel like someone is contantly burning them with a cigarette lighter. And then last week, I spent a few hours sitting between two topless women. That did not cause any burning sensations, but had it gone further that just sitting between them, it probably would have.
That was a joke about STDs, Mom. I hope you enjoyed it.
Also, I spent Monday in a tank top in the sun and now have the worst sunburn I have ever gotten on my shoulders. Everything else is fine, but my shoulders look like the surface of Mars and feel like someone is contantly burning them with a cigarette lighter. And then last week, I spent a few hours sitting between two topless women. That did not cause any burning sensations, but had it gone further that just sitting between them, it probably would have.
That was a joke about STDs, Mom. I hope you enjoyed it.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Constantly Wearing Make-up: Week 1
Well, I've been wearing make-up pretty much every day for an entire week now. It's really not that bad. I am now considering wearing blush, lipstick and the like on a daily basis. It makes me look cool, and by "cool," I mean "my face collects sweat under the foundation and the sweat seeps into my brain making even me more retarded." So yeah, make-up is a bitch.
The dresses I've been wearing though? Very nice. I totally understand dresses now. Ventilates the crotch region.
Maybe I have a future as one of those straight cross-dressers. You know, a guy who likes girls but also likes looking like girls? And it would be fine, because then I could have "casual days" where I can still wear my t-shirts with cute animals on them.
Come to think of it, maybe I've just been a "casual day transvestite" for 25 years and never really realized it. Hmmmm...
The dresses I've been wearing though? Very nice. I totally understand dresses now. Ventilates the crotch region.
Maybe I have a future as one of those straight cross-dressers. You know, a guy who likes girls but also likes looking like girls? And it would be fine, because then I could have "casual days" where I can still wear my t-shirts with cute animals on them.
Come to think of it, maybe I've just been a "casual day transvestite" for 25 years and never really realized it. Hmmmm...
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
This is What I Look Like When I Sing Karaoke
If you listen very closely, you can almost hear my parents being disappointed.
Friday, May 26, 2006
The Last Stand of Not Eating Doughnuts
I saw "X-Men: The Last Stand" last night. Say what you will about that movie, but you cannot deny that it stars Hugh Jackman as "Wolverine."
Also I like those little doughnuts with the weird brown coconut stuff on them.
I'm going to eat at a place called "Blockheads" later tonight. I've been told the food is good there, but being that the immediate image that the name brings about is that of a carny hammering a nail into his nose, I'll have to just have to wait and see.
Lastly, I am looking to travel overseas by myself this August. I want to go to Havana. Does anyone know any good smugglers?
Also I like those little doughnuts with the weird brown coconut stuff on them.
I'm going to eat at a place called "Blockheads" later tonight. I've been told the food is good there, but being that the immediate image that the name brings about is that of a carny hammering a nail into his nose, I'll have to just have to wait and see.
Lastly, I am looking to travel overseas by myself this August. I want to go to Havana. Does anyone know any good smugglers?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I tried to come up with a title that didn't reference the fact that I don't write on here very much but I couldn't think of anything else
So I spent half of April out of state. I was in Los Angeles, and then I went to Cape Cod.
Cape Cod: Calm, quiet, relaxing, beautiful, and Sam's mom is an awesome cook.
Los Angeles: Hell with cars.
And I'm also back in an office now! Only now it's not boring! And instead of telling people what to do, I get to write poop jokes!!!
Also, fellow Whitest Kids Sam and Darren want me to add some comments on their behalf (behalves?):
Sam: "Write that you realized recently that I'm your best friend, but not that you're mine, just that I'm yours."
Darren: "Tell them (he must think that people read this) about how when we played putt-putt this weekend, you were ahead the whole game but then I came from behind and won right at the end."
I guess I always could go back to telling people what to do...
Cape Cod: Calm, quiet, relaxing, beautiful, and Sam's mom is an awesome cook.
Los Angeles: Hell with cars.
And I'm also back in an office now! Only now it's not boring! And instead of telling people what to do, I get to write poop jokes!!!
Also, fellow Whitest Kids Sam and Darren want me to add some comments on their behalf (behalves?):
Sam: "Write that you realized recently that I'm your best friend, but not that you're mine, just that I'm yours."
Darren: "Tell them (he must think that people read this) about how when we played putt-putt this weekend, you were ahead the whole game but then I came from behind and won right at the end."
I guess I always could go back to telling people what to do...
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