Right now I...

...am deleting MC Hammer's Song from "The Addams Family" from my Shuffle.

...think I might like Lagwagon again.

...think I might like jalapeno poppers even more than Lagwagon.

...can see the timestream currents moving around my bedroom.

...am wondering why Spaceship has been pretty much the same size since birth.

...am realizing how good the comic "Madman" is (better than most regular books, kids).

...have decided that I should stop writing this now.

Last night’s cab ride

I don't really know how to explain the cab ride my brother Andy and I took home last night. It was one of the weirdest yet most heartwarming things that has ever happened to me in NYC.

The driver, one Khan Haider, started speaking in his creepy and raspy voice as soon as we entered the vehicle. He then asked how long we've known eachother and then explained that in India (his home country) people aren't as negative about meeting random strangers as they are here in America.

Then he started talking about friendship and family and love and stuff as he made us wrap eachother in silk scarves.

Really.

I'm still trying to figure it all out. All I know for sure is that I gave him an eight-dollar tip.

Standup This Week!

Hey kids, now that I'm done shooting Season 2 I get to go do standup again!

Tomorrow (Sunday) I'm performing at the Stillborn in America Tour kick-off show! it's a comedy tour featuring my pals Sean O'Connor, Jonah Ray, Andrew Wright and Nick Maritato, and Sam and I (among others) are going to help send them off! It's at 10pm at Pianos, and costs eight bucks, but show up at 8 for the free Scum and Villainy show, and it'll be like getting two four-dollar shows! Good deal, right?

Stillborn in America
Sunday, September 30
10pm
8$
Pianos
158 Ludlow

Then on Wednesday it's Kingdom of Heaven time! The Comedian of Merit is Dave Hill!

Then on Thursday I'm doing the Tommy Danger show hosted by Sean Patton (winner of Best New Timmy Friend of 2007)! That's at Kabin! Address up soon, okay!

Come out to these shows children!

The State of My Struggle to Live in the 21st Century as of September 29, 2007

I have realllllly bad luck with technology. Here's a brief recap:

In late July of 2006, I bought an iPod, which was stolen from me on the subway about a month later. I repurchased an iPod, along with a laptop, about a week before going on tour last September. I left the laptop at the venue in Rochester, NY with about one week left on tour. Around Thanksgiving last year, I left my messenger bag sitting at a table in the Manhattan Mall (gross). When I remembered I had left it, everything was there but my iPod. Thieves apparently do not care about Daredevil comics.

Then I moved into a new apartment and bought my friend Matt's old PC. I also bought an iPod Shuffle at around the same time. This summer, the PC decided that it didn't need the internet anymore and stopped getting online. It even went so far as to delete any new browsers that I attempted to install. Weird.

So then I bought this new Apple MacBook, and I really love it! I've had it for almost two months now!

Yesterday I spilled a bunch of water on it. Now it sometimes reboots for no reason.

Also, any cell phone I buy quits working about 11 months after purchase (this one's due any day), my Wii won't turn on, my Xbox 360 acts up some times, and I'm pretty sure my that my cat is mentally retarded. I should just go off the grid and live in a cave.

The iPod Shuffle, by the way, works great and remains in my ownership TEN MONTHS after I bought it! Amazing! I just wish it could get on MySpace.

Season 2 - Phew!

Well, Season 2 is more or less shot. We shot more sketches than Season 1 in a shorter amount of time than Season 1 and it felt waaaaay longer than Season 1. I don't know how that all works out mathematically. I suck at math, that's why I do poop jokes and wear bras for a living.

I can't wait for this to get on TV though. We at Whitest Kids Business Company International Conglomerate are all very excited. I think our consensus is that it's funnier than Season 1, so let's see what everyone else thinks. February seems very far away but I'm sure it'll come up before I know it.

Anyways, I'll get back to doing standup, playing video games, and writing about my cat now.

Timmy

Why did I write my name there? Everyone reading this knows who wrote it, and my name's like, RIGHT THERE on the left.

But why should I care about what I think about writing my name? I had a long day and a long glass of Scotch. I can write my name wherever I want to! FUCK Timmy.

Right?

Weekend of Merriment!

When I'm on my deathbed, one thing is for certain: I will die knowing that I did the weekend of September 21, 2007 totally balls-out awesome.

I started on Friday meeting my friend Kevin, whom I haven't seen in eons, down in Little Italy for the Feast of San Genarro. I don't know what exactly the Feast is for, but based on what I saw it's all about eating food that is really really really really bad for you. Like fried Oreos.

Then I got really drunk on a roof, which I haven't done in a long time. I also was hitting on a girl and decided to finally use the "I have a TV show" line, only to find out that 1. she knew that and 2. so did her boyfriend, who was some sort of muscleman.

Yesterday I saw that Jesse James movie. I think it's called "Brad Pitt Gets Pwned" or something. It was great though and I recommend it. The acting and cinematography are amazing and help you forget that the score is AWFUL.

Then after that we went to a pool party! There's some hotel in Midtown that lets you just come swim, and they have a swim-up bar! It was AMAZING. They had this annoying lifeguard that wouldn't let us have chicken fights, and the drinks are WAY too expensive, but besides that it was really awesome. I don't know why I never thought of going to this place before. You'd think I'd have put together the "wet half-naked women + booze = great" thing before, but hey, I'm a little slow on the uptake. Halfway through the evening, our party of comedians (pasty, neurotic and out of shape nerds that didn't know how to handle seeing their female friends' wet bodies) was taken over by what appeared to be a party consisting of 50 Cent music video extras (gorgeous black women and dudes with giant muscles). Not to be a dirty old man, but one of the women had a butt that could probably cure cancer, poverty, pollution, and get "Arrested Development" back on the air. Everyone, guys and girls, were staring at this amazing gluteal phenomenon, and it went past lechery to where we were really just trying to figure out how it was possible. We were staring at her ass in the name of science. Anyways, they knew how to party, and the lifeguard let them do chicken fights! Hot girls have the best lives. And boobs.

Famous mime Marcel Marceau died today. I want to pay tribute to him somehow but I think the traditional "moment of silence" will just feel petty and insignificant in this case.

Season 2 - Week 4

Today we shot a sketch that I've been waiting to shoot for months. It's brand new and is one of the craziest things we've ever done. I know I'm not supposed to spoil anything, but I can't help it. The sketch we shot today is about LSDIFNYAELVUBRYASEVHTBLSAEKUTHLNSVKH and involves NTALSKUHTRLASKJEHNALSKJEHR for 45 minutes BLVASKUERHBLASERHLSIYB4NV

Whoah. Sorry. My keyboard malfunctioned for a second. What was I talking about? Was it this?



Thanks for the video, Kate!

Addendum To My Earlier Post

So early this morning, I posted the following statement about yesterday's shoot:

"Yesterday we were shooting outside in Brooklyn and some dude just wandered up to the Craft Services table and started eating bagels. One of the Production Assistants asked him who he was and I think he said he was "with props.""

Guess what? HE WAS WITH PROPS.

I'm an asshole.

Season 2 - Week 3

Remember how in week 1 I was posting every day, then week 2 it was every other day, and now it's just one for the week? I guess that means the last two weeks of shooting will just be "kshrkjshlfjh" or something.

Anyways, shooting is still going well although the buzz of "we're shooting a TV show!" is fading and now it's a lot like a job. That's probably because we're waking up at five A.M. every day. We're still having a lot of fun though and getting some really awesome stuff. This week we've shot some older live stuff and it's fun to see some of it again since they're all things we haven't performed in a while, and I think they'll work better on the tube anyways.

Yesterday we were shooting outside in Brooklyn and some dude just wandered up to the Craft Services table and started eating bagels. One of the Production Assistants asked him who he was and I think he said he was "with props." This isn't like a "Star Wars" movie or something with hundreds and hundreds of people involved, there's only about 20 or 30 of us and I recognize everyone, but kudos to him for trying to sneak in. I don't really eat those bagels anyway, so have at it! If I were him I totally would have said "I'm with props" too, it just sounds like it might be true.

Bits and Pieces

First off, I got mentioned in an article about my new favorite Greenpoint spot, Black Rabbit! I'm not actually mentioned in it by name but just know that the "geeks" are my friend Casey and I.

Man, I went CRAZY while on break from shooting. Uff da. I got Joker shoes, ate corn on the cob, recorded commentary for Season 1, found out some girl I know is distantly related to me, and did a lot of beer. I know that actually doesn't sound too crazy but I'm leaving a lot of stuff out because my mom reads this. We start shooting again tomorrow, which is probably good because I was totally headed for something bad like prison or homelessness or accidental space travel.

A sign posted on the door of the Chinese restaurant I went to today said "We now have The Salad."

I've been living in a Polish neighborhood for a while now and on Saturday I finally took advantage of my cultural surroundings by purchasing a whole bunch of kielbasa from a butcher shop and taking it to a barbecue. It was a real-life Sausage Party, even though there were actually tons of ladies there that didn't mind talking to gross weirdo comedians. Kielbasa is delicious, by the way.

Video Awesomeness

You should really check it out if you've never seen it. It's long but totally worth it. Thanks to Mike Burns and Vince Averill and whomever else was telling me to watch this last night.



Also, this one has been around for years but I still love it:

Season 2 - Days 8 9 and 10

Well, we now have a week-long break from shooting Season 2. We've gotten some really awesome stuff so far. Very exciting. Day 8 for me was really all about playing BioShock since I didn't need to be on set. All I have to report from that day is that BioShock is awesome. Day 9 was our last day shooting at a school in Queens. We shot some funny stuff all day, and our last two sketches of the day had to be shot outside. We went into this little outdoor concourse area but we couldn't shoot anything because all these news helicopters kept flying around and were way too loud for us to record any sound. The news copters just kept coming and we couldn't figure out why until one of our producers called the local news station and found out there was an ESCAPED MURDERER on the loose! Right where we were shooting! We never saw him or anything, but I totally would have put him in a sketch.

Day 10 we were back at the Schmitt's Gay house and we shot three awesome sketches. It was a long and grueling day because the sketches we did were complicated, but they all three will hopefully turn out great. The last one we shot is definitely one of the grossest and weirdest things we've ever done. My mom hates "gross stuff" in comedy, so for the first season there were select sketches that I would tell her not to watch. This time around I'm not even going to tell her what channel the show is on.

Days 6 and 7 of Season 2 - Blood Feast (FROM TUESDAY)

Okay so the last two days involved me having to spit up blood a couple of times and almost having a panic attack due to the costume I wore yesterday. Also naked boobs, a puppy, and me almost breaking my arm when I slipped in blood. The last two days were particularly hard on me, but the season is still gonna be totally awesome.

I'm too out of it and tired to write anymore. Sorry.

Double The Williamses!

Well, my brother Andy officially moved here to NYC yesterday, which means he's sleeping on my couch. He's actually out here to go to school and will probably end up being disgustingly successful, but for right now he's on my couch. So anyways, if you see a guy around town that looks a lot like me, only with more brains and tattoos, that's him. We're gonna run this place!

Season 2 - Day 5

Man, with the wrapping of each and every day I am getting more and more excited for Season 2. It's gonna be the balls!

Yesterday we shot one of our favorite live sketches which may be even better on TV and there were kids on set once again. So far we have lots of stuff with little kids which for some reason just makes everything seem more messed up. There was one kid who was like seven and kept calling me "Mr. Underwear." I think I'm gonna print business cards up to that effect.

Then all five of us went and saw "Superbad." Nothing could ever live up to the giant amount of hype this film has received. It's been lauded as the Second Coming of Laughs and it's gonna "change shit" and all that jazz.

I don't know about any of that, but it was really really funny and the best comedy I've seen in a long time. Worth every penny of your eleven dollars (when did that happen, by the way?).

There's so many good parts and funny lines that I can't really say which is my favorite, but that kid who plays McLovin is gonna be famous. He apparently won a contest to be in the movie and he knocks it out of the park. I thought I would hate that character because the previews made him look like that "nerdy gangsta" character that's in every fucking movie nowadays, but he was way more than that and totally funny throughout.

One thing I hated about it: people applauding lines they saw in the trailer. I mean, there was tons of laughing all the way through, but there was a marked rise in applause whenever something from the trailer happened. Good Lord, are we really there now? We're really just applauding for things we've seen or heard before? Should I start cheering every time I hear "stand clear of the closing doors please" on the subway? If I go to one more movie where this happens, I'm just gonna start watching Chinese bootlegs at home and say "fuck it" to the theater experience altogether.

On the way into the movie some kid recognized us as the Whitest Kids. She first noticed just me, and then she got more and more surprised as she slowly realized that we were all standing there.

I love how people are shocked and surprised when they find out we're actually all friends in real life. I think it kind of comes out in a lot of our stuff, but maybe not. Maybe they're surprised because we seem like such jerks when we "play ourselves" in sketches that they think we're like that all the time. Truth is, we ARE like that all the time, and the reason we hang out together is that no one else will hang out with us because we're so jerky!

Days 3 and 4 - Nerdiness and Laziness

Well, Season 2 is still going swimmingly (that means good)! Yesterday we shot in this huge loft in SoHo that ended up belonging to this really awesome comic book artist Adam Pollina! He used to draw X-Force! We also re-shot a sketch we originally meant to put in Season 1 but that didn't work out, but we have now figured out how to do it right so we can finally put it out there! I get to say "boobs" in it!

Today is Day 4 but I don't have to be there so I've been working on surpassing even my own high standards of laziness. I'm already used to waking up early, so when I woke up at 7 I was doing some cleaning and other chores, but since then I have mainly just been trying to break the record for Number Of Couch Naps In A Twenty-Four Hour Period. I think I'm already at four.

Don't forget to check our website daily for pictures from the set!

Day 2 of Season 2 - Children, Blood and Pizza

Today Trevor and I were the only Whitest Kids on set because all the stuff we shot today featured little kids (we were both in a few things though). There are tons of kids in this season and most of those kids will probably never be allowed to watch the stuff they're in! Oops! Also there was a doggy and more blood!

You can look at a few pictures from set at our website.

On the subway ride home Trevor and I saw these two dudes carrying a big pizza box. WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD do these guys live in that is without its own pizza place? Is there actually a pizza-less neighborhood here? Or did they find a place so good that they will brave the subway to get this delicious pie despite the fact that it will probably be freezing cold by the time the MTA decides to move them to their destination?

Mysteries abound...

Season 2 - Day 1 in the can!

Season 2- Day 1 in the can!

Well, we started the magical, mystical journey of Season 2 today. I only had to be in one sketch today (spoiler: it's mean-spirited and features Darren in a dress) and then I got to go swimming! The place we were shooting at had a pool. In fact, they had THIS pool:



You may recognize the house they're in at the starting from "Flower Monster" and "Get a New Daddy," and be prepared to recognize it a lot more!

I'll tell you more in a few days! Yow!

Scum and Villainy TOMORROW!

This is, like, the best new comedy show, and this week it's extra best because I'm on it! this is the last social thing I will do before we start shooting season 2! Come send me off into the world of cross-dressing and the "C-word!"

SUNDAY AUG 12th:

Sean Patton - Host of The Tommy Danger Comedy Hour at Kabin. He's Intensely funny.

Jesse Popp - Appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and Hosts a good show at the Beauty Bar. Also a gentleman.

Pete Holmes - From VH1's "Best Week Ever" and Comedy Central's "Premium Blend." He is also a cartoonist for the New Yorker.

Devin McCracken - From Winnipeg, Canada the home of Niel Young. Brought you memorable comedy experiments like 'Drunk Improv' and 'The Death of Comedy'.

Timmy Williams - 1/5th of the Whitest Kids You Know. The naked one on the billboard.


All this and more.

Sun August 12th
8:00 Show
$Free
Pianos
158 Ludlow St @ Stanton
NYC

The End Times?

Seems like August is always a good time to give the world a little status check and see if this is in fact the year that we all bite it. Past Augusts have given us earthquakes, hurricanes and blackouts. Every August is basically a little Armageddon Test. This August is being a little frisky though: mine collapses, bridge collapses, and Brooklyn tornadoes? Really? That's a lot of weird stuff for ten days. This might be the year.

Also, it is currently only 59 degrees here in NYC. What? What's going on? Did someone lose the playbook on August weather?

This post really doesn't make much sense, I know; I just wanted to point out that all these weird incidents really freak me out and make me think the end is nigh. If it is, that I should probably clean my room.