I'm not sure what that subject meant, but if this post seems a little bitter or mean-spirited, it's because earlier today I saw an old episode of "Tom and Jerry" and it made me mad that nothing that good is being made anymore.
Fueled by that rage, I was considering writing a blog about how I hate pretty much everything about pop culture, but what's the point, really? The celebrity-obsessed mall-silicone-tabloid-Dollar-Menu shit train will just keep chugging along anyways. And shit, maybe if I'm ever famous some day and I get pulled over and slander the Mormons or someone a few weeks before some ridiculous movie I made comes out, I'll be glad that drunk bigotry is now a form of advertisement.
Let's take a poll: how many times a day do you consider cutting? Not like, a lot, but maybe just a few slashes on your thighs, where no one will see? Oh really? Well then maybe I should talk to someone.*
There's a banner on this page with a little oil-drilling game on it, and it's flashing "YOU LOSE" at me every 10 seconds or so. Even when I don't play the game, I still lose. That's actually very poetic. Good job, "Strike Oil!" game!
I'm going to bed soon. I have to put the sheets back on first, because I kicked them off in my sleep last night, probably because I was having that crazy dream where I fall on broken glass again. I don't think it means anything, I think I just keep having it because I keep remembering it, and because falling on broken glass is badass (it worked for Bruce Willis).
I bet those kids already spent all the money they got from selling my iPod. Probably didn't even invest it or anything.
I know I'm only 25 (and a half), but I'm already starting to wonder if I'm ever gonna get to see a gorilla in person. I mean in ape.
I saw part of "Deuce Bigalow 2" today. Rob Schneider...that's it. That's all I got. He has moved past the point of insults. In a way, he has become so bad that he is now invincible. I guess if nothing else works out, I'll just do that too. It works for him (and Bruce Willis).
*Don't worry, that thing about cutting was just a joke. I would NEVER do that. I obviously enjoy having skin, which is why I cultivate a reserve of it on my abdomen.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
To the kid who just stole my iPod on the G train
Wow, where to begin? I can't believe that this enriching, life-changing event is already over! I'm sure that I will want to revisit this moment later on in life though, so I've organized my thoughts into several bullet points:
1. A 30GB iPod Video is probably only worth about 200$ street value. You probably will have to split that ransom with your 2 friends, so that only gives you guys about one whole day, if that, of not being poor. Enjoy it.
2. Given your baggy shorts, basketball shoes, and the racial slurs that you referred to your friends with, I'm guessing that you like hip-hop music. Though my appearance may suggest otherwise, there is unfortunately not much of that kind of music on my iPod, although it does contain the seminal N.W.A. album "Straight Outta Compton." Aside from that though, get set for a lot of Weird Al and hair metal.
3. I was just getting into that episode of "Battlestar Galactica" that I was watching on my iPod when you nabbed it. If you press that circular button in the middle, you'll see that I was in fact only about 10 minutes into the very first episode of the series! How dare you! I don't even know if I can ever watch that show again now for fear of it causing flashbacks of your skinny teen arm, with it's shitty cursive tattoo of your name on it, plucking it from my hands! Thanks for ruining for me what I have heard is a great show.
4. Is an iPod really gonna make your dad stop drinking? Or your 13-year-old girlfriend un-pregnant? No. You should've stolen my book-bag if you wanted a tool to assist you with those problems (claw hammer).
5. After the robbery, I, like many victims before me, enivisioned many scenarios which involved me defeating you in various combat situations. I just want you to know that every single one of those imaginary scenarios involved the words "curb," "check," "family," and "rape."
6. You may be interested to know that I happened upon my iPod in a manner not all that different from the manner in which you happened upon it: I bought it from a store with my hard-earned money. Oh wait. That's totally different. FUCK YOU.
7. You know what? I'm really not all that mad about it. You know why? Because tomorrow I'll go out and buy a new one, and you'll spend the day sleeping on your mom and Todd's floor, smoking out of a light bulb and staring at my iPod, wondering what the fuck a Whitesnake is.
1. A 30GB iPod Video is probably only worth about 200$ street value. You probably will have to split that ransom with your 2 friends, so that only gives you guys about one whole day, if that, of not being poor. Enjoy it.
2. Given your baggy shorts, basketball shoes, and the racial slurs that you referred to your friends with, I'm guessing that you like hip-hop music. Though my appearance may suggest otherwise, there is unfortunately not much of that kind of music on my iPod, although it does contain the seminal N.W.A. album "Straight Outta Compton." Aside from that though, get set for a lot of Weird Al and hair metal.
3. I was just getting into that episode of "Battlestar Galactica" that I was watching on my iPod when you nabbed it. If you press that circular button in the middle, you'll see that I was in fact only about 10 minutes into the very first episode of the series! How dare you! I don't even know if I can ever watch that show again now for fear of it causing flashbacks of your skinny teen arm, with it's shitty cursive tattoo of your name on it, plucking it from my hands! Thanks for ruining for me what I have heard is a great show.
4. Is an iPod really gonna make your dad stop drinking? Or your 13-year-old girlfriend un-pregnant? No. You should've stolen my book-bag if you wanted a tool to assist you with those problems (claw hammer).
5. After the robbery, I, like many victims before me, enivisioned many scenarios which involved me defeating you in various combat situations. I just want you to know that every single one of those imaginary scenarios involved the words "curb," "check," "family," and "rape."
6. You may be interested to know that I happened upon my iPod in a manner not all that different from the manner in which you happened upon it: I bought it from a store with my hard-earned money. Oh wait. That's totally different. FUCK YOU.
7. You know what? I'm really not all that mad about it. You know why? Because tomorrow I'll go out and buy a new one, and you'll spend the day sleeping on your mom and Todd's floor, smoking out of a light bulb and staring at my iPod, wondering what the fuck a Whitesnake is.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Hootkins
Just to bring everyone up to speed, do you all know about William Hootkins?
You probably recognize this guy, but you may not be aware of his significance (I was not until very recently). This guy was in "Star Wars," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," AND "Batman!" When I found this out, I almost* pooped barf! This dude was in what are probably the three most formative movies of my childhood! Maybe that's not actually a good thing, considering I'm kind of a weirdo now, but the guy still deserves some respect. He's dead, so he probably won't hear you when you give it to him, but you should anyways. And as I was fact-checking to make sure he was actually dead and that I wouldn't be labeled a liar, guess what else I just now found out? He was going to be in "Jurassic Park" too, but couldn't do it! That's insane! Had he done that, he would have been more important than God in the minds of millions! Since he missed out on "JP" though, he's only bigger than Jesus, which means he still has John Lennon and God to top. I'm also working on an impression of him, based primarily on his work from "Batman." Ask me next time you see me.
*I actually did, but I felt too embarrassed to write about it here**.
**Shit. I just did.
You probably recognize this guy, but you may not be aware of his significance (I was not until very recently). This guy was in "Star Wars," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," AND "Batman!" When I found this out, I almost* pooped barf! This dude was in what are probably the three most formative movies of my childhood! Maybe that's not actually a good thing, considering I'm kind of a weirdo now, but the guy still deserves some respect. He's dead, so he probably won't hear you when you give it to him, but you should anyways. And as I was fact-checking to make sure he was actually dead and that I wouldn't be labeled a liar, guess what else I just now found out? He was going to be in "Jurassic Park" too, but couldn't do it! That's insane! Had he done that, he would have been more important than God in the minds of millions! Since he missed out on "JP" though, he's only bigger than Jesus, which means he still has John Lennon and God to top. I'm also working on an impression of him, based primarily on his work from "Batman." Ask me next time you see me.
*I actually did, but I felt too embarrassed to write about it here**.
**Shit. I just did.
I did it!
I FINALLY bought an air conditioner. I really don't have that much to say on the subject except "take that, ozone layer!"
Also, I spent Monday in a tank top in the sun and now have the worst sunburn I have ever gotten on my shoulders. Everything else is fine, but my shoulders look like the surface of Mars and feel like someone is contantly burning them with a cigarette lighter. And then last week, I spent a few hours sitting between two topless women. That did not cause any burning sensations, but had it gone further that just sitting between them, it probably would have.
That was a joke about STDs, Mom. I hope you enjoyed it.
Also, I spent Monday in a tank top in the sun and now have the worst sunburn I have ever gotten on my shoulders. Everything else is fine, but my shoulders look like the surface of Mars and feel like someone is contantly burning them with a cigarette lighter. And then last week, I spent a few hours sitting between two topless women. That did not cause any burning sensations, but had it gone further that just sitting between them, it probably would have.
That was a joke about STDs, Mom. I hope you enjoyed it.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Constantly Wearing Make-up: Week 1
Well, I've been wearing make-up pretty much every day for an entire week now. It's really not that bad. I am now considering wearing blush, lipstick and the like on a daily basis. It makes me look cool, and by "cool," I mean "my face collects sweat under the foundation and the sweat seeps into my brain making even me more retarded." So yeah, make-up is a bitch.
The dresses I've been wearing though? Very nice. I totally understand dresses now. Ventilates the crotch region.
Maybe I have a future as one of those straight cross-dressers. You know, a guy who likes girls but also likes looking like girls? And it would be fine, because then I could have "casual days" where I can still wear my t-shirts with cute animals on them.
Come to think of it, maybe I've just been a "casual day transvestite" for 25 years and never really realized it. Hmmmm...
The dresses I've been wearing though? Very nice. I totally understand dresses now. Ventilates the crotch region.
Maybe I have a future as one of those straight cross-dressers. You know, a guy who likes girls but also likes looking like girls? And it would be fine, because then I could have "casual days" where I can still wear my t-shirts with cute animals on them.
Come to think of it, maybe I've just been a "casual day transvestite" for 25 years and never really realized it. Hmmmm...
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
This is What I Look Like When I Sing Karaoke
If you listen very closely, you can almost hear my parents being disappointed.
Friday, May 26, 2006
The Last Stand of Not Eating Doughnuts
I saw "X-Men: The Last Stand" last night. Say what you will about that movie, but you cannot deny that it stars Hugh Jackman as "Wolverine."
Also I like those little doughnuts with the weird brown coconut stuff on them.
I'm going to eat at a place called "Blockheads" later tonight. I've been told the food is good there, but being that the immediate image that the name brings about is that of a carny hammering a nail into his nose, I'll have to just have to wait and see.
Lastly, I am looking to travel overseas by myself this August. I want to go to Havana. Does anyone know any good smugglers?
Also I like those little doughnuts with the weird brown coconut stuff on them.
I'm going to eat at a place called "Blockheads" later tonight. I've been told the food is good there, but being that the immediate image that the name brings about is that of a carny hammering a nail into his nose, I'll have to just have to wait and see.
Lastly, I am looking to travel overseas by myself this August. I want to go to Havana. Does anyone know any good smugglers?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I tried to come up with a title that didn't reference the fact that I don't write on here very much but I couldn't think of anything else
So I spent half of April out of state. I was in Los Angeles, and then I went to Cape Cod.
Cape Cod: Calm, quiet, relaxing, beautiful, and Sam's mom is an awesome cook.
Los Angeles: Hell with cars.
And I'm also back in an office now! Only now it's not boring! And instead of telling people what to do, I get to write poop jokes!!!
Also, fellow Whitest Kids Sam and Darren want me to add some comments on their behalf (behalves?):
Sam: "Write that you realized recently that I'm your best friend, but not that you're mine, just that I'm yours."
Darren: "Tell them (he must think that people read this) about how when we played putt-putt this weekend, you were ahead the whole game but then I came from behind and won right at the end."
I guess I always could go back to telling people what to do...
Cape Cod: Calm, quiet, relaxing, beautiful, and Sam's mom is an awesome cook.
Los Angeles: Hell with cars.
And I'm also back in an office now! Only now it's not boring! And instead of telling people what to do, I get to write poop jokes!!!
Also, fellow Whitest Kids Sam and Darren want me to add some comments on their behalf (behalves?):
Sam: "Write that you realized recently that I'm your best friend, but not that you're mine, just that I'm yours."
Darren: "Tell them (he must think that people read this) about how when we played putt-putt this weekend, you were ahead the whole game but then I came from behind and won right at the end."
I guess I always could go back to telling people what to do...
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I totally fell off the face of the planet there
I've been busy, and when I haven't been busy, I've been really lazy. Oh well. Right now I'm in Los Angeles watching dickheads drive convertibles (there's a lot of them). Now I have to go to a meeting. I'll write more later (May 27th, 2007).
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
New Ideas
I'm trying to think of different ways to make this blog more interesting. I think what I might do is try to write an entry while throwing up. I don't think anyone's ever done that before. There's a few logistic items to think about, like covering my keyboard in plastic and deciding how to induce the vomit (I think I'll use either cheap vodka or nude images of Donald Rumsfeld), but I think it's totally possible. Also, I should probably write it at my apartment and not at my office.
And for all you people stuck in office jobs out there, let me inform you that there is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING worse than the last two weeks of work after you give your two weeks notice resignation. Nothing.
It's kind of like coming home to a really super hot, naked, illiterate, mute lady standing in your room, but she's surrounded by an invisible force field, and you have a potion to get rid of the force field, but after you pour it on the force field cage it takes two weeks to dissolve.
It's kind of like that.
It really sucks.
And for all you people stuck in office jobs out there, let me inform you that there is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING worse than the last two weeks of work after you give your two weeks notice resignation. Nothing.
It's kind of like coming home to a really super hot, naked, illiterate, mute lady standing in your room, but she's surrounded by an invisible force field, and you have a potion to get rid of the force field, but after you pour it on the force field cage it takes two weeks to dissolve.
It's kind of like that.
It really sucks.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
On week of work left!
I am leaving my horrible office job in a week to pursue other ventures.
In my few remaining work days, I am going to test my company's internet monitoring system by looking at lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of naked lady pictures.
Also I will come here in a ninja suit on my last day.
In my few remaining work days, I am going to test my company's internet monitoring system by looking at lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of naked lady pictures.
Also I will come here in a ninja suit on my last day.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Why is it...
...that when a blind man asks someone for directions on the subway, they speak very slowly and loudly when giving their answer?
Thursday, March 23, 2006
"Inside Man"
So I'm about to go to a free screening of this movie "Inside Man." It's a new movie by Spike Lee. He's that guy who really hates white people but still wants them to go see his movies. This one is about a bank heist which is pretty unusual for Mr. Lee. It looks like it doesn't cover any of his normal topics, like race, social injustice, or anything "controversial." It looks like a normal bank robber movie. Some people are wondering why he would make a movie so far away from his normal style, and not discuss any of these topics he normally LOVES to whine about to no end.
I know why.
This movie looks like it will probably make a good amount of money; it has Jodie Foster and Denzel Washington in it, and looks like a competent thriller. It almost looks like he's making it JUST to make money. But why would someone as successful as Spike Lee, who's always made movies his way, want to make some "sell-out" movie?
Well, after this, he plans to make a documentary accusing President Bush of blowing up the levees in New Orleans to murder black people. Yes. That's right. He plans to make a documentary accusing President Bush of blowing up the levees in New Orleans to murder black people. Now, like a lot of people, I'm not really "down" with President Bush, but that's pretty much the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
So anyways, Spike Lee made this bank heist movie so that he has money to move to Canada with after he releases this crazy documentary and Bush arranges for him to have a little "accident."
So that's my theory. It will be entertaining to watch this movie with that in mind. Also, it's showing at some sort of French embassy and there's free wine. Maybe he's trying to liquor me up and then convince me that white people also invented lions because they kill black people too. I don't know.
I know why.
This movie looks like it will probably make a good amount of money; it has Jodie Foster and Denzel Washington in it, and looks like a competent thriller. It almost looks like he's making it JUST to make money. But why would someone as successful as Spike Lee, who's always made movies his way, want to make some "sell-out" movie?
Well, after this, he plans to make a documentary accusing President Bush of blowing up the levees in New Orleans to murder black people. Yes. That's right. He plans to make a documentary accusing President Bush of blowing up the levees in New Orleans to murder black people. Now, like a lot of people, I'm not really "down" with President Bush, but that's pretty much the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
So anyways, Spike Lee made this bank heist movie so that he has money to move to Canada with after he releases this crazy documentary and Bush arranges for him to have a little "accident."
So that's my theory. It will be entertaining to watch this movie with that in mind. Also, it's showing at some sort of French embassy and there's free wine. Maybe he's trying to liquor me up and then convince me that white people also invented lions because they kill black people too. I don't know.
I'm almost a caveman
My house is 3 burnt-out bulbs away from becoming a cave. That's 3 out of 8. The other 5 have all burnt out within the last week. As has anything powered by AA batteries. What's going on around here? Is electricity not "cool" anymore? Or is it the Apocalypse? Will I get a cool car like mad Max? If that's the case, I'm gonna need to find someone to drive it for me, because I totally don't remember how to do that.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I just accidentally burned off my fingerprints...
...so let the killing spree begin!
(No, I'm not gonna kill the kitten, I just like that picture)
(No, I'm not gonna kill the kitten, I just like that picture)
Monday, March 13, 2006
I'm back from Aspen
So I just got back from the Aspen Comedy Festival. It was really really fun, but I'm glad to be back in my horrible office and away from all that free food and constant pampering. Some things I enjoyed from the Festival:
-Shaking Robert Wuhl's hand (shake was firmer than expected)
-This dude who walked around Aspen all the time with his well-trained, well-groomed Pomeranian. It was a very nice dog but the dude was kind of a pompous jackass. If he didn't have that dog he would just be another guy that bleaches his goatee and wants to be a pro wrestler. Also, the dog's butt-hole looked suspiciously loose. Like "some guy who probably drinks Mountain Dew a lot had his fist in there recently" loose.
-Free food and drinks
-Chelsea Peretti constantly flaunting her "complimentary fruit and wine basket" that she found in her hotel room upon her arrival (I was staying at the same place and didn't get one)
-Pooping in her jacuzzi for revenge
-Finding out the next day that the fruit basket came from her mother, not the hotel
-Not feeling bad about the poop thing after that revelation
-Getting thrown offstage during a fight scene in one of our sketches while Trevor attempted to break Bob Power's ribs with a body slam (didn't work, Mr. Powers is saltier than expected)
-Water
-Watching the Absurdist/Dadaist political commentary "Aeon Flux" on the flight home
-Shaking Robert Wuhl's hand (shake was firmer than expected)
-This dude who walked around Aspen all the time with his well-trained, well-groomed Pomeranian. It was a very nice dog but the dude was kind of a pompous jackass. If he didn't have that dog he would just be another guy that bleaches his goatee and wants to be a pro wrestler. Also, the dog's butt-hole looked suspiciously loose. Like "some guy who probably drinks Mountain Dew a lot had his fist in there recently" loose.
-Free food and drinks
-Chelsea Peretti constantly flaunting her "complimentary fruit and wine basket" that she found in her hotel room upon her arrival (I was staying at the same place and didn't get one)
-Pooping in her jacuzzi for revenge
-Finding out the next day that the fruit basket came from her mother, not the hotel
-Not feeling bad about the poop thing after that revelation
-Getting thrown offstage during a fight scene in one of our sketches while Trevor attempted to break Bob Power's ribs with a body slam (didn't work, Mr. Powers is saltier than expected)
-Water
-Watching the Absurdist/Dadaist political commentary "Aeon Flux" on the flight home
Monday, March 06, 2006
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