Blargh

I'm still kind of sick. My head feels crazy.

I saw "The Simpsons Movie" last night. It's pretty good. I don't like it when people sing along to something they saw in the trailer for the movie, that's weird. That's like a fish singing about hooks when it's in the frying pan. Or maybe like talking about how refreshing this Pepsi you're about to drink is before you actually know how refreshing it is. Or maybe my head hurts and this doesn't really make any sense.

We added some more boobs to Season 2 yesterday. I can't wait to start filming.

Even if you don't read comic books at all, go out and find "Tales Designed to Thrizzle." It's a humor comic, and if you like my blog or Whitest Kids or laughing in general, you'll like that.


I think I'm gonna take it easy this weekend and learn how to do this:

Greg Jackson Snare Solo 2003

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The Angel of Death is ADORABLE!

No scary scythe or skull face, no thrash metal music, just cuddles!

But seriously though, how fucking scary is this?

The Healing Power Of Magic And Robots

Well, I'm almost done with this horrible sinus buggery. I'm about to turn in for a good night's sleep and then I think I'll be well enough tomorrow to re-enter society, and by that I mean buying comics, writing funny little plays with my friends, and drinking Kamikazes.

The orange juice, DayQuil, and well wishes certainly helped, but I am attributing most of the healing to the last Harry Potter book and the movie "Terminator 2." The Harry Potter book was a great ending to a really good series, and "Terminator 2" had Arnold Schwarzenegger shooting shotguns, which I think could heal just about anything. They should show that movie in cancer wards; I bet they'd be surprised at the results. It's that awesome. They do need to hurry up and make "Robocop Vs. Terminator" though. I already even wrote the theme, it goes "Bum bum bum baa baaaa, bum bum bum duh-duh-duh-duh-duh dunnnn, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh dunnnn" and then the titles come up in front of a huge blue fireball.

I guess I'd have to sing it for you for it to really make sense...

Runners-up for Most Helpful Recuperatory Aid include Gummi Army Men, my new CD "80s Metal Gold," and crazy fever dreams. It was a real team effort, good job gang!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMORRROOOOWWWW!

Editor's Note: John wrote this, not Timmy. Timmy would NEVER call other comedians "dumb ass." Even though some of them are.

Hey Everybody,

KOH Comedy has been so rad lately. You need to come to the best comedy show, you barely know exists! John F. O'Donnell and Timmy Williams have been rocking their new characters: Jesus F. Christ and Alterboy Timmy. And the Comedians have been performing some of the most original, deeply funny stuff out there.

We are GEEKED TO THE MAX for this edition's COMEDIAN OF MERIT. It is the one and only, CLAUDIA COGAN. Her acerbic, cerebral, dry wit is comedy for the true comedy connoisseur.

Plus, as always, we put up 10 Comics off all levels. Some genius, some dumb ass, all TRYING THEIR BEST to entertain you!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Wednesday 7/25 8pm, 7:30pm sign up
Free
@ The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreekandthecave.com

Take the 7 Train to Vernon/Jackson

Take the G Train to 21st

Focus Hocus Pocus and Other Psychedelia

Trevor and I got into this 70s Dutch progressive pscyhedelic band Focus. They're the best. Listen to my profile song and think about opening a door between time and space and your consciousness while you listen to it. Or snacks. Either way will work. I think we're slowly becoming hippies. Trevor stopped wearing shoes, I have a stack of High Times in my bathroom, and now we're listening to trippy yodel-rock, which is totally outside of our normal likes (silly rap for him and silly metal for me).

Speaking of silly rap, karaoke finally got "This Is Why I'm Hot!" I'm going to sing it EVERY SINGLE WEEK until someone takes it out of the songbook.

I had a great dream last night. I was at this party with Jordan and Sam and we had a baby polar bear with us! It was adorable! Turns out we brought it to catch mice. I don't think polar bears have ever really seen mice, but this little guy was really excited about it! He wasn't very good though, so then we had to go get Old Faithful, Spaceship. She killed the shit outta those mice and then we had to leave.

Then I woke up and looked over and saw Spacehip licking her butthole. What a great first thing to see in the morning.

My cat's gross.

Pushing The Red Button

Steam conceals the bounty hunter that I KNOW is behind me fractured and turned upside down and being pursued inside of a can containing twenty-five children while I hold three images of Jesus and the blisters grow jellybeans bursting from every orifice while the dripping cools me but the grip gets looser and looser by the second maybe a clown wig will do the trick but the dragon will still figure it out and now we're all holding hands inside of the balloon as the sour taste erodes everything.

We're all just a bunch of flies trying to figure out who Josh Duhamel is without being too gay about it.

Shows!

Come see me!

TONIGHT:

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesdays @ 8:00 PM

July 10:
Heidi MacDonald (PW Beat)
& Timmy Williams (Fuse TV's Whitest Kids U Know)

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Check out our website:
http://www.popcultureshock.com/cbclub

Check us out on MySpace:
http://www.myspace.com/comicbookclub3

The show is sponsored in part by Midtown Comics
(www.midtowncomics.com)!

TOMORROW:
Kingdom of Heaven: Episode 10: The Reckoning.

COMEDY this Wednesday at 8pm. Of course the uber-fantastic Timmy and John are going to be there! (Also appearing will be Jesus F. Christ and Altar Boy Timmy)

Also, THE COMEDIAN OF MERIT is truly MERITORIUS. It's the one and only, REGGIE WATTS. He's won the very prestigious Andy Kaufman Award at The New York Comedy Festival, and he will blow your mind, SON...

plus,

TEN open spots, where Comedians of all levels perform the ART OF COMEDY!

Don't NOT come to this...

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

Wednesday 7/11 8pm, 7:30pm sign up

Free

@ The Creek and The Cave

10-93 Jackson Ave.

Long Island City, NY 11101

www.thecreekandthecave.com

Two Things Real Quick

Tonight, Darren and I went to see "Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation." In 1982, a bunch of 12-year-olds were so jazzed by Indiana Jones' first movie that they reshot the whole thing themselves, shot for shot, with no budget! And it took seven years! And they have fire and stunts and costumes and everything! It's like an awesome love letter to an awesome movie, and the work and dedication that go into their remake is pretty much the most amazing and inspiring thing I have seen in a long time. You should definitely check this out if it plays anywhere near you (it's at the Anthology Film Archives here in NYC).

Also, on the Wikipedia entry for the Whitest Kids, this little tidbit can now be found in the history section: "Timmy recently announced that in December 2007 he will be receiving extensive plastic surgery on his belly and buttocks."

It's not true, but I'm going to leave it up there anyways.

Cape-Coddin' it

Well I'm finally going to celebrate a 4th of July on Cape Cod this year. I have heard many a legend about their parties, and now it's time for me to add to the story by jumping naked over a fire or crashing a boat or something.

The new Ween E.P. "Friends" is pretty crazy. They have a straight-up 90s Techno song.

When a baby is being carried in one of those knapsack things that hang off the neck does it think it's flying?

I really am excited about Transformers.

When I woke up this morning there was confetti all over the floor. At first I was really excited because I thought that Spaceship had thrown a cat party, but then I remembered that I had done it myself at like 5 A.M.

Well, now it's time to catch the Chinatown bus to Partyville! Yeah!

Whitest Kids Stand Up Show Tonight! Free!

Hey everybody! There's no Whitest Kids show tonight because some of us are out of town, but in its place will be "The Whitest Kids U' Know Are Out Of Town So Here's Timmy And Sam And Some Other People Doing Stand-Up Show!" Sam and Timmy will be hosting a showcase of our favorite comedian buddies! And it's still FREE! So come on down!

With Baron Vaughn, Matt McCarthy, Pete Holmes, John F. O'Donnell, Greg Johnson and Alex Castle
Music by Jordan Cooper
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton)
8pm
FREE

Dust and Devo

I will discuss those two things in an order opposite from which they were listed.

DEVO is the best band ever. I have known this since high school but have been re-learning this in the past month or so. I will re-educate everyone about this tomorrow at karaoke. The best thing about them is that their best songs are really weird and not singles or anything and just kind of sit in the middle of an album. "Whip It," for example, is not that great when compared to "Time Out for Fun" and "When We Do It," but is probably the only song of theirs that even has a chance of being in Guitar Hero. Speaking of GH, I have seen lists of many (but not all) of the songs included in Guitar Hero 80s, GH 3, and Rock Band. We're all gonna die.

So dust, yeah? Well, this evening after the WKUK show several of us ended up on a roof in Midtown and sat in deck chairs that, now having seen my clothing in good lighting, were apparently covered in some kind of weird white dust. I look like a mummy that loves ironic t-shirts.

More later?

Some things I did

Hey look! Here's a couple videos that Jim Biederman (executive producer of the WKUK show and a bunch of other awesome things) and I did for Daily Motion Great Sketch Comedy Showdown Contest. It's this great thing where you submit funny videos that you make, and Jim looks at them. If he likes it, you get to go into development with him! He's worked on stuff like the Kids in the Hall and Tom Green, so he knows what's up! Check it out! And there'll be two more videos after this! Yeah!

Jim & Timmy Give Birth (to a Great Idea)
Uploaded by JimBiederman

Jim's Eyes
Uploaded by JimBiederman

My semi-bi-annual discussion of current music

My bi-annual discussion of current music Okay, so I hardly ever pay attention to new music or bands, and despite being on Fuse I'm still not really sure about chemical romances or how you could get to Mars that fast. Every once in a while though, I do buy new albums, normally when they're by an old standard I can trust. For example, I definitely bought more than three albums last year, but I think I only bought three albums that were actually released in 2006. One of them was by Tool ("10,00 Days"), one by Andrew W.K ("Close Calls With Brick Walls"). and the other was by Slayer ("Christ Illusion") because I never get sick of them rhyming "revolution" with "pollution" on every one of their three thousand albums. Find something you're good at and stick to it, y'know? Anyways, it's not that I'm too "cool" for music or anything, I just really don't pay attention unless it's DragonForce, and one amazing magical band can only do so much.

But what all this babble is really about is: I got the new Marilyn Manson and White Stripes albums, and I think they both kick ass, and here's some more babble about that.

The White Stripes got big right as I moved to New York (maybe even because I moved here?), and I've always liked them. Like any annoying hipster, I didn't really listen to them that one year when they were HUGE, but I've always kept them on my radar. They have a great bluesy rock thing mixed with a little creepiness, and although what she actually does is up to debate, Meg White is adorable. But anyways their new album "Icky Thump" is awesome. I liked their last album too, but it was a departure, and this one is great because every song kind of changes it up while keeping up their old-school White Stripes sound, and they have bagpipes in a couple! And one song's about a junk sale! That's awesome.

Marilyn Manson, on the other hand, doesn't have any time to talk about antiquing on his new record "Eat Me, Drink Me." Late last year, some stripper CRUSHED this guy's heart and now he made a record about it, and although that's not at all a new subject for songwriting, he does it real real well. It's actually a little mellower than his last two albums. It kinda sounds like he tried to do a regular rock album as opposed to a metal one but still ran it through his Marilyn Manson filter. I love how he always changes up his style on every album. He's like the Gothic Beck. Anyways, the lyrics here are fucking GREAT. I'm not very good at intrepreting lyrics, but every song here seems to be either "love is horrible" or "women are evil." Or both. I think my favorite lyric so far is "love is a fire that burns down everything it sees." I rarely listen to people singing about bummers, but when I do, I want it to be awesome, and this is some of the best bummer music I've ever heard.

Okay, that's it. Now I'm off to see a Cracked Out and Reggie Watts show at a nightclub owned by the Polish mafia. Yeah, I don't know how that happened either.

Whitest Kids TONIGHT

Hey! How you doin'? Come to the Whitest Kids' show at Pianos tonight! It's free! Let's have fun!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow in the Lower East Side)
8pm
FREE
With Craig Baldo, Sean Patton and Brendan and Jackson, the "90210 Twins."
Hosted by Seth Herzog

Opinions

Some times I actually develop an opinion on something. Here now are some of those very opinions:

I've done some thinking, and this "Paris in jail" thing is NOT the most awesome thing that has ever happened. It sucks. You know why? Because she's on the front page EVERY DAY. She may be detained some where right now, which is funny, but she is still doing exactly what she did before: getting her precious attention from us while distracting the world from real problems with her whiny bullshit adventures.

Then again, the things we're being distracted from aren't exactly things I would pay attention to anyways. Why did this election start already? I'm burnt out on it and the election is still eighteen months away! I seriously do not care, and normally it takes me right up to Election Day to stop caring. I'm probably just going to write-in "The Highlander" like I do every year.

And why aren't the food and water systems on the space station working? Fox has the technology to track down and fire a guy that gave "Fantastic Four" a bad early review (didn't do squat to the guy that liked it) but we can't make sure the astronauts aren't thirsty? Priorities, folks!

They should have special mandatory sidewalks set aside for people over the age of 60.

I would be a great writer for "High Times." I hope you don't need a degree.

More hot women need to come to the Kingdom of Heaven show.

I'm done now.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMOROW!

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Comedy Open Mic Super Hour
@The Creek and The Cave
8PM FREE
Hosted by John F O'Donnell and Timmy Williams
7 to Vernon Jackson
G to 21st street
www.thecreekandthecave.com

See TEN Comedians, some seasoned professionals, some brand spanking
new, spit jokes the way they are meant to be spat.
Followed, of course, by our COMEDIAN OF MERIT headlining the show with
the dopest Stand Up you're ever gonna experience.

HERE IS HOW YOU GET THERE IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARD OR FAR AWAY

7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson
Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five
blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. Please note that the V train does
not run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away
from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

These are a few of my new favorite things

Here is a list of things that have awesomed up my life lately:

1. Carrots.

2. Nutella.

3. The wherewithal not to mix them together.

4. Listening to Anthrax constantly.

5. Listening to the Beach Boys whenever I'm not doing #4.

6. UNO!

7. Putting together Season 2. Y'all are in for some F'd-up S.

8. Meeting people from South Dakota. I've been here six years, and NOW they all start coming out of the woodwork!

9. My reinvigorated stand-up comedy. I'm still doing the same stuff I did before, but I have a new-found zest for it. Maybe it's all those carrots.

10. Whitest Kids fans are some of the sickest, ass-kicking motherfuckers around. Awesome every one!

Boombox 3.0

Sorry if you clicked on this thinking that "Boombox 3.0" was going to be about my new hip-hop album of the same name being produced by the RZA. We're totally in talks for a collabo though.

No, I'm here to talk about the different ways Brooklyn citizens listen to music. Many people use iPods. Some people, a home stereo. Some people have invested so much money in their car's speaker system that even when they're not driving they'll just park their car, turn it on, pump the tunes, and be able to hear their sweet rockage up and down the block.

Not the guy in 1R though. No, my neighbor down in 1R has decided that all that shit is for pussies. 1R has created a new musical delivery system and I don't know how it can be beat. You wanna REALLY enjoy "Gasolina?" Here's how he does it:

1. Buy a bunch of sweet speakers and sub-woofers for your home stereo.

2. Insert latest Daddy Yankee album into the CD player.

3. Turn everything up as high as it can possibly go. If you do it right, you won't even be able to stand in the room without rupturing your ear drums and suffering a seizure.

4. Open your windows.

5. Now, STAND OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT AND ROCK OUT WITH YOUR NEW HOUSE-SIZED BOOMBOX!

The best part is, you don't even need a first-floor apartment to do this! Even if you live higher up, you can just stand on the fire escape!

This is for real, though. This dude from 1R stands outside ALL DAY and listens to his music. It's pretty incredible. I would try it, but I think the neighborhood is more comfortable with reggaeton than my Ween/Slayer megamix.

Taste the Rainbow

It's Sunday. It's 11:30 or midnight or something. I don't know what time it is, leave me alone. You just had a great show, met some awesome fans, and are currently sitting in a little room at a bar and your table is covered in condoms. What do you do?

GIRLY SHOTS!

Darren and Melissa and Kate and Jordan and I were all that was left of a rather large cotterie of people that sat in one of those little rooms in the front of that bar Local 138. It was still pretty early, and to pass the time we decided to ask the bartender for the girliest shot he could think of.

He did a good job.

The shot was bright pink and tasted like strawberries. So did the six others that followed it. Why did we continue to drink these? I don't know. It was just like drinking liquid Jolly Ranchers. I probably shouldn't eat any sugar for six months now. We probably weren't even drunk so much as we had an insane sugar buzz. I drank a gallon of water and brushed my teeth nine times when I got home, and my mouth STILL feels like I made out with Strawberry Shortcake for nine hours. Not that I'm complaining.

When I looked in the mirror this morning my eyes were bloodshot but the veins weren't red, they were bright pink, and when I farted it played the "Rainbow Brite" theme.

Girliest drinks ever.


P.S. As usual, I just read over this post to check for errors (the one error I always forget to correct is clicking "post") and this post doesn't make any sense. Sorry.

More thoughts about non-thought-worthy things

To the guy at Rififi who left his Polaroid camera out, thereby allowing Trevor and Zach and I to use up all of his film to take pictures of ourselves: Thank You.

To whomever or whatever it was that made Rififi smell like a cabbage made out of farts: No Thank You.

My supermarket has a very un-super cracker selection.

I would bet that most local pharmacies are like this, but I was at the drugstore today and I think I was the only customer that wasn't buying cigarettes and lottery tickets. I find it a little scary that those are the best-selling items at a drugstore. Maybe they use the smokes and lotto to lure people in to take advantage of their TWO-FOR-ONE VITAMIN SALE! That's why I was there! I now have more "Multi-Vitamins for Guys that don't like Vegetables or Cancer" pills than I'll ever need.

Paris Hilton screaming and crying while being driven back to the Slammer is one of the best things that's happened all year.

I have two cans of chili in my cupboard. I am perfectly capable of making my own chili (it's actually the best damned chili in America, thank you), but something intrigues me about the canned stuff. I think it's because when I was a kid, I watched the Dick Tracy movie with Warren Beatty all the time, and he eats chili out of a can in a few scenes. So maybe I'm just trying to be more like Dick Tracy. If that's the case, maybe I should just buy a yellow trenchcoat as opposed to eating chemical can-meat.

Ah, whatever. I've got those vitamins.