Clucking Awesome!

So my wife Kristin and I have four chickens. Their names are Trevor, Zach, Darren and Sam, after the other Whitest Kids/dumbest names we could think of. They're still very young but starting to get really big and today I was lifting one and it clucked! So I guess that means we're doing a good job at keeping them from dying.

Chickens are hilarious. They have this air about them that they seem to think they're way more important than anything else ever. They'll puff their chest out and act all indignant if you try to pick them up or change their water, and then they'll do something stupid like walk on another chicken's head or take a dump on it's own feathers. So basically, chickens are arrogant retarded assholes, but we love them because they have pretty feathers.

Looking At The Moon Up Close

The other night I got to go to a big telescope with my favorite person and look at the moon really really up close. You feel awesome yet insignificant when you're looking at a canyon the size of the city you're standing in* on a ball of rock that's about 30 babillion miles away from you. It was incredible how much detail you could make out on the surface! If you squinted really hard you could almost make out Oprah's Secret Moon Castle**.

Also, Saturn looks like a sticker of Saturn.

We're writing the Whitest Kids' third season right now, and I'm pretty excited! We're preparing tons of fun stuff, but unfortunately it looks like I will once again fail my grandmother in making a show that's okay for her to watch.




*Los Angeles, for those of you pushing stick pins into your patented "Timmy's Travels" map.

**I bet you didn't even know about that, did you?

***There is no need for this third footnote. It is a dirty and unwanted orphan.

Things and Stuff

New Orleans was the bomb-diggity! Lotsa funny times, drankin and eating crawdads! Thumbs up!

Watching my head get blown off on TV was awesome. Check that off the list!

I’m pretty sure the guy that delivered my food just now knew that I was pantsless until about thirty seconds before opening the door.

Here’s my new favorite band:




In case that video raises any questions, I do in fact like girls, by the way.

My ear hurts

I have an earache. I thought only babies get that! Maybe I’m a giant baby. That would certainly explain all this diaper rash.

Some times I actually do my hair. That means I just run my hand through it with PhotoBooth open.

Lately I’ve bought a few shirts that DO NOT have pictures of animals on them. A distrubing trend to say the least.

My cat licks my cable box.

I am not very good at Scrabble but am very very good at Uno.

That movie Doomsday is crazy. I loved it, but not everyone will. Just sayin’.

That song "Here Comes the Hotstepper" just started playing on my iTunes. Time to go!

Did you guys feel that?

We just jumped forward an hour.

The future so far is really awesome (I'm eating Doritos).

A review of "10,000 B.C."

Y'know how with some movies the best way to enjoy them is to check your brain at the door?

Well, in order to enjoy 10,000 B.C. you need to check your brain at the door, blow pot in its face, stomp it into pieces and then shoot it with a shotgun.

That is the end of my review. Thank you for your time.

Who What Huh?

Lately, everyone I know has been doing one of two things: getting really sick or appearing on "The Tyra Banks Show." Adam Newman did both!

One of the cooler things I got for swag from the Independent Spirit Awards arrived yesterday: a year-long movie pass! I can get into any AMC theater for free til the end of the year! Awesome! Too bad when I went to go try it out there was nothing but CRAP. Oh well. Maybe I'll go check out that caveman movie that came out today; it looks really historically accurate and informative.

I know cats like to play with their prey, but Spaceship really tortured this mouse the other day before she dealt it the death blow. It was pretty crazy. I wouldn't have been surprised to see her pull out a little tiny rack or iron maiden. Wouldn't that be adorable?

"Lost" is getting really bizarre and awesome. I'm not even sure how they write it anymore. Maybe they don't write it. Maybe it's all improv now. Wouldn't that be adorable awesome?

Since I've been back...

Man, I've been pretty busy since I got back to the cit-ay! Wednesday we had a GREAT KoH show and I ad-libbed a Britney Spears joke that I'm pretty excited about. I don't ever do material about stupid stuff like that but I think the quality of the joke and the fact that it's also a dick joke outweighs the fact that it's about Britney Spears and that we really shouldn't be paying any more attention to her. Also I discovered that spending two weeks in California and having to drive every night greatly lowered my alcohol tolerance. I'm glad to be back where I can drink whatever I want and poorly paid subway operators and taxi drivers have to take me home.

Also on Wednesday we did a photo shoot for a magazine where I got to wear a Hannibal Lecter mask.

Yesterday I watched a bunch of Monty Python (which I'm also doing today). I used to feel like watching them was like going to school but now that I feel the Whitest Kids have kind of established our own style, I can just watch other sketch comedy and enjoy it rather than study it. I still wish we had British accents though.

I also finally figured out the opening scene for an action movie I've been "writing" for like three years now. Now that I can't do anything with it (the strike) I might as well actually work on it, right? I'm backwards. And no, I won't tell you what it's about but I will say that if made it will include a scene of me lifting weights, and I think we all wanna see that special effects extravaganza, right?

Okay.

WHY AM I UP?

I have to audition for a commercial in, like, seven hours. It's for a whipped cream, so at least I'm very familiar (too familiar?) with my subject.

When I'm on my deathbed and thinking back on my life and everything that I have accomplished, I'll probably be pretty upset about how many times I've clapped and didn't really mean it.

The next stage of human evolution is the Asshole. There's already TONS of prototypes.

Earlier tonight I was forced into a "Support The Troops" round of applause by some dude that's being shipped off to Afghanistan next week. It sucks that you have to go somewhere and have mean people shoot at you and everything, but don't make me applaud for you just because you SIGNED UP FOR SOMETHING THAT IS DANGEROUS. That's why I won't make people cheer for me once I finally join The International Federation Of Competitive Eaters.

Once you break it down to the basics, there's really only two life paths that a person can follow: The Happy Retard or The Heartbroken Genius.

I really only typed all this shit down so that I can remember it for my stand-up set on Wednesday. I hope that doesn't lessen your experience.

Brooklyn is Better.

Good night!

Creek and the Cave Comedy Combo!

Hey dudes! There's lots of comedy happening at the Creek and The Cave! it's this awesome bar in Queens! Tonight, Saturday, and Next Wednesday are some sick-ass shows and they're all FREE! Come on down!

Tonight The Jerk Practice kicks off '08 with some funny sketches and funny guests, including me! That starts at 8!

Then Saturday...




50 FIRST JOKES is happening Saturday, January 5th!!! We are kicking off a new year of NYC Comedy by having FIFTY + Comedians tell their first joke of 2008. This is gonna be huge!!! We're gonna party at The Creek and The Cave (coolest bar ever) all night long…It's gonna be MAKEOUT CENTRAL!!! Not to be missed…

Presented to you by John F. O'Donnell, Claudia Cogan and Jiwon Lee

Starring: JESSE POPP, SAM BROWN, WILL FRANKEN, GIULIA ROZZI, BRANDY & SARA, HEATHER FINK, ERIK BERGSTROM, BRENT SULLIVAN, SEAN O'CONNOR, VICTOR VARNADO, BENARI POULTEN, SETH HERZOG, ADAM NEWMAN , CHESLEE CALLOWAY, JON FRIEDMAN, BRYCE RICHARDSON, KUMAIL NANJIANI, SEAN PATTON, ELIZA FARIA-SANTOS, JAMIE LEE, CHARLES STAR , LANG FISHER, ROGER HAILES,VINCE AVERILL, JORDAN CARLOS, ERIC ANDRE , MATT RUBY, MARGOT LEITMAN, DAN NEWBOWER, NICK MARITATO, KATINA CORRAO, CRAIG BALDO, MATT MCCARTHY, LIVIA SCOTT, CAROLYN CASTIGLIA, GLENNIS MCMURRAY, AUBREY TENNANT, OREN BRIMER, JAY BOIS, CASSIDY HENNEHAN, BECKY CILETTI, JACKIE MONAHAN, SARA BENINCASA, ANDREW WRIGHT, TOM MCCAFFREY, RACHAEL PARENTA, BRAD STEUERNAGEL, DAN CURRY, TIMMY WILLIAMS, THE JERK PRACTICE, JOHN KNEFEL, JOSH FILIPOWSKI, LISA KAPLAN, RG DANIELS, GREG JOHNSON, GABE AND JENNY, CLAUDIA COGAN, JOHN F. O'DONNELL, and JIWON LEE

Then next Wednesday the 9th is the first KINGDOM OF HEAVEN of 2008! I won't be there but John Mulaney will! You've seen him on Conan O'Brien and various other televised programs, and he has 20 minutes of non-stop amazingness prepared for you!

And this all goes down at:

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreekandthecave.com
718-706-8783

By Subway
7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. Please note that the V train does not run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

By Bus
Q67 to Jackson and 46th ave.
B61 to 49th Ave.

The Future!

I haven't written a blog in a while, so here's one of those "2007 is over" blogs.

Well, 2007 is over and this year was totally fucking INSANE! I got a TV show, started the best Open Mic Comedy show ever, quit smoking, made another season of a TV show, and have eaten tons and tons of tacos! There was also a bunch of other good stuff that happened, but my mom reads this blog now.

But I think 2008 will be even better! It's starting off with brand new episodes of my favorite TV show ever!

"LOST!"

And also, new episodes of that show I make with those dudes.

I'm not really into New Year's resolutions, but I still make some every year because I am weak. In 2008, I intend to:

1. Really spend some serious time with my Nintendo Wii.

2. Figure out why I keep receiving a catalog for "Women's Fantasy Gifts" containing items such as Elvish door knockers, fairy earrings, and those Snow White shirts with the sexy lace thing.

3. Help Spaceship kick her plastic-eating addiction.

4. Buy some jeans.

5. Destroy Scientology (I make this a resolution every year and will continue to until it happens).

Happy New Year!

Thoughts Over Leftovers

I'm just sitting here gnawing on a leftover turkey wing from yesterday's DELICIOUS Thanksgiving meal at my friend Cristalle's house and realized I haven't written a blog in like a week or so! Blasphemy!

Yes, I've seen "2Girls1Cup." Yes, I have seen worse. No, I am not a weirdo; I just am very unlucky.

Why the FUCK don't they show "Jurassic Park" on Thanksgiving anymore? I mean, I like it's replacement, "The Incredibles," just as much as the next guy, but when I'm eating dead bird I want to watch the ancestors of birds eat people! Is that so wrong? "Independence Day" was on though, so at least we got out Goldblum fix.

My brother's girlfriend moved here and has a job interview today, Black Friday, at Macy's, the largest department store in the world! WHY are they letting people in there for job interviews? Are they just gonna put her to work immediately? What-huh?!?

I am sooooo into Van Halen now you guys. Just the David Lee Roth stuff though. I can't stand Sammy Hagar. Anyone that calls himself "The Red Rocker" doesn't deserve to live. Does he even have red hair? Or is it because his voice makes people bleed from the ears?

I am not going to see that Johnny Depp barber movie. I think Tim Burton has officially lost his magic. When was his last good one? "Mars Attacks?"

My cat wants to eat this turkey so bad that just watching me eat it is making her purr.

Weekend of Humor!

Hey Kids! This weekend I'm bein' funny all over the place!

Today The Creek and The Cave is having something called the Crazytown Fest! It's a huge, 14-hour long party with bands and food and drink specials and probably a lot of shuffleboard! It's 20 bucks to get in but will be so worth it. All proceeds go to helping them soundproof their theater. This place desperately needs to be soundproofed. They get noise complaints about comedy shows, which is just silly. So come on down and help them keep the Man off their backs!

12pm-4am
20$
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreekandthecave.com

7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. Please note that the V train does not run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

Then tonight I'm performing at the Drunken Focus Group show at Limerick Bar!

Drunken Focus Group
9:45
Limerick House
69 w.23rd st btwn 5th and 6th aves (next to Duane Reade)
F/N/R to 23rd st.

And then tomorrow, of course, is SCUM AND VILLAINY!
Scum and Villainy
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton in the LES)
FREE
With Craig Baldo, Anthony Jeselnik, Greg Johnson, Pat O'Shea and Giulia Rozzi

Iron Maiden's Still Got It!

Dude, some bands should just quit while they're ahead. Too often, a band will stay together way after their prime just to cash in and it always looks weird and pathetic (e.g. The Doors and The Backstreet Boys and sometimes The Rolling Stones). I don't mind reunion tours like what Van Halen is doing, but if they released a new album it would probably make me throw up.

Iron Maiden, on the other hand, is still tearin' it up! Last week Shandi and I were just sitting around at my house and decided we weren't being metal enough so we popped in this Iron Maiden concert DVD from 2002 (thank you Chris Brunelle for this great gift). Even though these guys are at least 50 in this show, they are ROCKIN' it way better than most bands half their age. They're jumping around, ripping through solos, headbanging, and Bruce Dickinson keeps changing into silly costumes. It's great. Also they had 50-foot tall statues of the Grim Reaper. I should watch that DVD every day just to remind me of what life is really about: guitar solos and singing about demons.

So I've been on a bit of a Maiden kick and just now I dug up my copy of their 2006 album "A Matter of Life and Death." I had never listened to it before all the way through before today and it KICKS ASS! On the rare occasion that an old band puts out new music and it's actually good, I find that it's normally a little more mellow than their previous stuff (like AC/DC's "Stiff Upper Lip"), but not this. It's been TWENTY-SIX years since their first record and these guys still know how to play fast crazy epic songs and Bruce Dickinson still sounds like the baddest-ass metal opera-singer lady you've ever heard. Totally awesome.

I'm gonna go pick up a bicycle now.

This weekend I...

1. Dressed like a krump clown for a video. I look good in that style, maybe I should keep it up. If I do that, though, I should probably figure out what "hyphy" is.

2. Fell in love with Iron Maiden all over again.

3. Fell in love with giant bottles of scotch all over again.

4. Received a high five from Sam while he was running in the NYC Marathon! So proud of my boy!

5. Said horribly filthy things in front of Sam's mom during a stand-up show.

6. Finally got my tattoo designed! I think I'm getting it this week! Pain!

7. Got the apartment all to myself after two and a half months of having my brother stay with me! He was lovely but you know what's even more lovely? NOT WEARING PANTS EVER.

The Whitest Kids U' Know Vs. Fire

Well, the WKUK are convening in Los Angeles tomorrow to take some pictures for Season 2. Apparently it's a really great time of the year to go there since it's, y'know, ON FIRE.

Zach and Trevor have been out there for a while so it'll be good to see them again. I just hope we're not just stopping, dropping and rolling the whole time.

I saw "Blade Runner: The Final Cut" in the theater the other day. If you live anywhere near where this is playing, GO SEE IT. It's awesome on the big screen.

I also saw "30 Days of Night." If you live anywhere near where this is playing, don't go see it. The vampires are cool and there's some good gore, but it's really boring. Go read the comic instead.

I also bought Ween's new album "La Cucaracha." If you live anywhere near where this is being sold (i.e. the internet), go buy it. It's awesome. The song "With My Own Bare Hands" contains one of my favorite lyrics of all time: "She's gonna be my cock professor, studyin' my dick!"

It's really good.

Three Quick Things

1. I am abandoning the Facial Hair Project two and a half weeks in (we have a photo shoot this week and nobody wants to take pictures of "Kinda Hairy Timmy").

2. "Quantum Leap" is actually a really great show.

3. Why aren't there any hot girls that are serial killers? Wouldn't that be awesome?

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMORROW NIGHT! HOO BOY!

Come to the next KINGDOM OF HEAVEN w/ Timmy and John!!!!

If you haven't been to this super fun show/evening yet, definitely come next Wednesday at 8pm because...our COMEDIAN OF MERIT is...



GODS POTTERY

plus you get TEN Comedians of all levels opening for them!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Wednesday 10/17 8pm, 7:30pm New Lottery sign up (10 spots!)
Free
@ The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
The Creek and The Cave

Take the 7 Train to Vernon/Jackson

Take the G Train to 21st

Take the E/V to Court House Rd

Love,

John and Timmy

Six Flags!

Today I went to Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey! I'd never been before! It was AWWWEEEESSSSOOOMMMEEEE!!!!!!!!!! We rode seven roller coasters and they were all fun! We also went to the most confusedly-run taco restaurant in America! It's a surprise we were even fed!

Look at some pictures under my MySpace!

I also registered a few firsts on this trip:

1. First time on a steel coaster.
2. First time on one of those rides that dangle your feet.
3. First time not finding Wonder Woman attractive.

They have this amazing new coaster with a lame name: Kingda Ka. You get in and it goes from 0 to 124 miles an hour in about one second and then shoots you up a 44-story track and then immediately drops you straight back down. AMAZING. I thought I was gonna die. My first and favorite ride of the day, although honorable mention also can go to El Toro, Nitro, and the Batman Ride. Actually, all of the roller coasters were really awesome, but this Kingda Ka was the scariest and most shocking and therefore better. But anyways, me, Darren Bill Tom Melissa and Rachel had the best day ever! I'm getting a season pass next year. And yes, I will continue to wear the little blue shorts whenever I go to Jersey until somebody steals and then burns them.

A Dangerous Combination

Mixing things together is an American tradition. Improving something you like by adding something else you like to it is a time-honored practice that has given us some amazing advancements such as pants that turn into shorts, Wal-Marts that also have restaurants, and all those crazy flavors at Coldstone Creamery where they put slices of pie or whole candy bars in your ice cream.

Well, last night I decided to try a combination myself. After getting home form the bar, I decided to combine a large amount of beer, a laptop, and a credit card, a combination which led to me now owning this:



I don't know if it's better that I remembered right away, or if it would have been an awesome surprise in my mailbox.

Whatever.