Season 2 - Day 5

Man, with the wrapping of each and every day I am getting more and more excited for Season 2. It's gonna be the balls!

Yesterday we shot one of our favorite live sketches which may be even better on TV and there were kids on set once again. So far we have lots of stuff with little kids which for some reason just makes everything seem more messed up. There was one kid who was like seven and kept calling me "Mr. Underwear." I think I'm gonna print business cards up to that effect.

Then all five of us went and saw "Superbad." Nothing could ever live up to the giant amount of hype this film has received. It's been lauded as the Second Coming of Laughs and it's gonna "change shit" and all that jazz.

I don't know about any of that, but it was really really funny and the best comedy I've seen in a long time. Worth every penny of your eleven dollars (when did that happen, by the way?).

There's so many good parts and funny lines that I can't really say which is my favorite, but that kid who plays McLovin is gonna be famous. He apparently won a contest to be in the movie and he knocks it out of the park. I thought I would hate that character because the previews made him look like that "nerdy gangsta" character that's in every fucking movie nowadays, but he was way more than that and totally funny throughout.

One thing I hated about it: people applauding lines they saw in the trailer. I mean, there was tons of laughing all the way through, but there was a marked rise in applause whenever something from the trailer happened. Good Lord, are we really there now? We're really just applauding for things we've seen or heard before? Should I start cheering every time I hear "stand clear of the closing doors please" on the subway? If I go to one more movie where this happens, I'm just gonna start watching Chinese bootlegs at home and say "fuck it" to the theater experience altogether.

On the way into the movie some kid recognized us as the Whitest Kids. She first noticed just me, and then she got more and more surprised as she slowly realized that we were all standing there.

I love how people are shocked and surprised when they find out we're actually all friends in real life. I think it kind of comes out in a lot of our stuff, but maybe not. Maybe they're surprised because we seem like such jerks when we "play ourselves" in sketches that they think we're like that all the time. Truth is, we ARE like that all the time, and the reason we hang out together is that no one else will hang out with us because we're so jerky!

Days 3 and 4 - Nerdiness and Laziness

Well, Season 2 is still going swimmingly (that means good)! Yesterday we shot in this huge loft in SoHo that ended up belonging to this really awesome comic book artist Adam Pollina! He used to draw X-Force! We also re-shot a sketch we originally meant to put in Season 1 but that didn't work out, but we have now figured out how to do it right so we can finally put it out there! I get to say "boobs" in it!

Today is Day 4 but I don't have to be there so I've been working on surpassing even my own high standards of laziness. I'm already used to waking up early, so when I woke up at 7 I was doing some cleaning and other chores, but since then I have mainly just been trying to break the record for Number Of Couch Naps In A Twenty-Four Hour Period. I think I'm already at four.

Don't forget to check our website daily for pictures from the set!

Day 2 of Season 2 - Children, Blood and Pizza

Today Trevor and I were the only Whitest Kids on set because all the stuff we shot today featured little kids (we were both in a few things though). There are tons of kids in this season and most of those kids will probably never be allowed to watch the stuff they're in! Oops! Also there was a doggy and more blood!

You can look at a few pictures from set at our website.

On the subway ride home Trevor and I saw these two dudes carrying a big pizza box. WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD do these guys live in that is without its own pizza place? Is there actually a pizza-less neighborhood here? Or did they find a place so good that they will brave the subway to get this delicious pie despite the fact that it will probably be freezing cold by the time the MTA decides to move them to their destination?

Mysteries abound...

Season 2 - Day 1 in the can!

Season 2- Day 1 in the can!

Well, we started the magical, mystical journey of Season 2 today. I only had to be in one sketch today (spoiler: it's mean-spirited and features Darren in a dress) and then I got to go swimming! The place we were shooting at had a pool. In fact, they had THIS pool:



You may recognize the house they're in at the starting from "Flower Monster" and "Get a New Daddy," and be prepared to recognize it a lot more!

I'll tell you more in a few days! Yow!

Scum and Villainy TOMORROW!

This is, like, the best new comedy show, and this week it's extra best because I'm on it! this is the last social thing I will do before we start shooting season 2! Come send me off into the world of cross-dressing and the "C-word!"

SUNDAY AUG 12th:

Sean Patton - Host of The Tommy Danger Comedy Hour at Kabin. He's Intensely funny.

Jesse Popp - Appeared on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and Hosts a good show at the Beauty Bar. Also a gentleman.

Pete Holmes - From VH1's "Best Week Ever" and Comedy Central's "Premium Blend." He is also a cartoonist for the New Yorker.

Devin McCracken - From Winnipeg, Canada the home of Niel Young. Brought you memorable comedy experiments like 'Drunk Improv' and 'The Death of Comedy'.

Timmy Williams - 1/5th of the Whitest Kids You Know. The naked one on the billboard.


All this and more.

Sun August 12th
8:00 Show
$Free
Pianos
158 Ludlow St @ Stanton
NYC

The End Times?

Seems like August is always a good time to give the world a little status check and see if this is in fact the year that we all bite it. Past Augusts have given us earthquakes, hurricanes and blackouts. Every August is basically a little Armageddon Test. This August is being a little frisky though: mine collapses, bridge collapses, and Brooklyn tornadoes? Really? That's a lot of weird stuff for ten days. This might be the year.

Also, it is currently only 59 degrees here in NYC. What? What's going on? Did someone lose the playbook on August weather?

This post really doesn't make much sense, I know; I just wanted to point out that all these weird incidents really freak me out and make me think the end is nigh. If it is, that I should probably clean my room.

Blargh

I'm still kind of sick. My head feels crazy.

I saw "The Simpsons Movie" last night. It's pretty good. I don't like it when people sing along to something they saw in the trailer for the movie, that's weird. That's like a fish singing about hooks when it's in the frying pan. Or maybe like talking about how refreshing this Pepsi you're about to drink is before you actually know how refreshing it is. Or maybe my head hurts and this doesn't really make any sense.

We added some more boobs to Season 2 yesterday. I can't wait to start filming.

Even if you don't read comic books at all, go out and find "Tales Designed to Thrizzle." It's a humor comic, and if you like my blog or Whitest Kids or laughing in general, you'll like that.


I think I'm gonna take it easy this weekend and learn how to do this:

Greg Jackson Snare Solo 2003

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The Angel of Death is ADORABLE!

No scary scythe or skull face, no thrash metal music, just cuddles!

But seriously though, how fucking scary is this?

The Healing Power Of Magic And Robots

Well, I'm almost done with this horrible sinus buggery. I'm about to turn in for a good night's sleep and then I think I'll be well enough tomorrow to re-enter society, and by that I mean buying comics, writing funny little plays with my friends, and drinking Kamikazes.

The orange juice, DayQuil, and well wishes certainly helped, but I am attributing most of the healing to the last Harry Potter book and the movie "Terminator 2." The Harry Potter book was a great ending to a really good series, and "Terminator 2" had Arnold Schwarzenegger shooting shotguns, which I think could heal just about anything. They should show that movie in cancer wards; I bet they'd be surprised at the results. It's that awesome. They do need to hurry up and make "Robocop Vs. Terminator" though. I already even wrote the theme, it goes "Bum bum bum baa baaaa, bum bum bum duh-duh-duh-duh-duh dunnnn, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh dunnnn" and then the titles come up in front of a huge blue fireball.

I guess I'd have to sing it for you for it to really make sense...

Runners-up for Most Helpful Recuperatory Aid include Gummi Army Men, my new CD "80s Metal Gold," and crazy fever dreams. It was a real team effort, good job gang!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMORRROOOOWWWW!

Editor's Note: John wrote this, not Timmy. Timmy would NEVER call other comedians "dumb ass." Even though some of them are.

Hey Everybody,

KOH Comedy has been so rad lately. You need to come to the best comedy show, you barely know exists! John F. O'Donnell and Timmy Williams have been rocking their new characters: Jesus F. Christ and Alterboy Timmy. And the Comedians have been performing some of the most original, deeply funny stuff out there.

We are GEEKED TO THE MAX for this edition's COMEDIAN OF MERIT. It is the one and only, CLAUDIA COGAN. Her acerbic, cerebral, dry wit is comedy for the true comedy connoisseur.

Plus, as always, we put up 10 Comics off all levels. Some genius, some dumb ass, all TRYING THEIR BEST to entertain you!

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Wednesday 7/25 8pm, 7:30pm sign up
Free
@ The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreekandthecave.com

Take the 7 Train to Vernon/Jackson

Take the G Train to 21st

Focus Hocus Pocus and Other Psychedelia

Trevor and I got into this 70s Dutch progressive pscyhedelic band Focus. They're the best. Listen to my profile song and think about opening a door between time and space and your consciousness while you listen to it. Or snacks. Either way will work. I think we're slowly becoming hippies. Trevor stopped wearing shoes, I have a stack of High Times in my bathroom, and now we're listening to trippy yodel-rock, which is totally outside of our normal likes (silly rap for him and silly metal for me).

Speaking of silly rap, karaoke finally got "This Is Why I'm Hot!" I'm going to sing it EVERY SINGLE WEEK until someone takes it out of the songbook.

I had a great dream last night. I was at this party with Jordan and Sam and we had a baby polar bear with us! It was adorable! Turns out we brought it to catch mice. I don't think polar bears have ever really seen mice, but this little guy was really excited about it! He wasn't very good though, so then we had to go get Old Faithful, Spaceship. She killed the shit outta those mice and then we had to leave.

Then I woke up and looked over and saw Spacehip licking her butthole. What a great first thing to see in the morning.

My cat's gross.

Pushing The Red Button

Steam conceals the bounty hunter that I KNOW is behind me fractured and turned upside down and being pursued inside of a can containing twenty-five children while I hold three images of Jesus and the blisters grow jellybeans bursting from every orifice while the dripping cools me but the grip gets looser and looser by the second maybe a clown wig will do the trick but the dragon will still figure it out and now we're all holding hands inside of the balloon as the sour taste erodes everything.

We're all just a bunch of flies trying to figure out who Josh Duhamel is without being too gay about it.

Shows!

Come see me!

TONIGHT:

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesdays @ 8:00 PM

July 10:
Heidi MacDonald (PW Beat)
& Timmy Williams (Fuse TV's Whitest Kids U Know)

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Check out our website:
http://www.popcultureshock.com/cbclub

Check us out on MySpace:
http://www.myspace.com/comicbookclub3

The show is sponsored in part by Midtown Comics
(www.midtowncomics.com)!

TOMORROW:
Kingdom of Heaven: Episode 10: The Reckoning.

COMEDY this Wednesday at 8pm. Of course the uber-fantastic Timmy and John are going to be there! (Also appearing will be Jesus F. Christ and Altar Boy Timmy)

Also, THE COMEDIAN OF MERIT is truly MERITORIUS. It's the one and only, REGGIE WATTS. He's won the very prestigious Andy Kaufman Award at The New York Comedy Festival, and he will blow your mind, SON...

plus,

TEN open spots, where Comedians of all levels perform the ART OF COMEDY!

Don't NOT come to this...

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

Wednesday 7/11 8pm, 7:30pm sign up

Free

@ The Creek and The Cave

10-93 Jackson Ave.

Long Island City, NY 11101

www.thecreekandthecave.com

Two Things Real Quick

Tonight, Darren and I went to see "Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation." In 1982, a bunch of 12-year-olds were so jazzed by Indiana Jones' first movie that they reshot the whole thing themselves, shot for shot, with no budget! And it took seven years! And they have fire and stunts and costumes and everything! It's like an awesome love letter to an awesome movie, and the work and dedication that go into their remake is pretty much the most amazing and inspiring thing I have seen in a long time. You should definitely check this out if it plays anywhere near you (it's at the Anthology Film Archives here in NYC).

Also, on the Wikipedia entry for the Whitest Kids, this little tidbit can now be found in the history section: "Timmy recently announced that in December 2007 he will be receiving extensive plastic surgery on his belly and buttocks."

It's not true, but I'm going to leave it up there anyways.

Cape-Coddin' it

Well I'm finally going to celebrate a 4th of July on Cape Cod this year. I have heard many a legend about their parties, and now it's time for me to add to the story by jumping naked over a fire or crashing a boat or something.

The new Ween E.P. "Friends" is pretty crazy. They have a straight-up 90s Techno song.

When a baby is being carried in one of those knapsack things that hang off the neck does it think it's flying?

I really am excited about Transformers.

When I woke up this morning there was confetti all over the floor. At first I was really excited because I thought that Spaceship had thrown a cat party, but then I remembered that I had done it myself at like 5 A.M.

Well, now it's time to catch the Chinatown bus to Partyville! Yeah!

Whitest Kids Stand Up Show Tonight! Free!

Hey everybody! There's no Whitest Kids show tonight because some of us are out of town, but in its place will be "The Whitest Kids U' Know Are Out Of Town So Here's Timmy And Sam And Some Other People Doing Stand-Up Show!" Sam and Timmy will be hosting a showcase of our favorite comedian buddies! And it's still FREE! So come on down!

With Baron Vaughn, Matt McCarthy, Pete Holmes, John F. O'Donnell, Greg Johnson and Alex Castle
Music by Jordan Cooper
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton)
8pm
FREE

Dust and Devo

I will discuss those two things in an order opposite from which they were listed.

DEVO is the best band ever. I have known this since high school but have been re-learning this in the past month or so. I will re-educate everyone about this tomorrow at karaoke. The best thing about them is that their best songs are really weird and not singles or anything and just kind of sit in the middle of an album. "Whip It," for example, is not that great when compared to "Time Out for Fun" and "When We Do It," but is probably the only song of theirs that even has a chance of being in Guitar Hero. Speaking of GH, I have seen lists of many (but not all) of the songs included in Guitar Hero 80s, GH 3, and Rock Band. We're all gonna die.

So dust, yeah? Well, this evening after the WKUK show several of us ended up on a roof in Midtown and sat in deck chairs that, now having seen my clothing in good lighting, were apparently covered in some kind of weird white dust. I look like a mummy that loves ironic t-shirts.

More later?

Some things I did

Hey look! Here's a couple videos that Jim Biederman (executive producer of the WKUK show and a bunch of other awesome things) and I did for Daily Motion Great Sketch Comedy Showdown Contest. It's this great thing where you submit funny videos that you make, and Jim looks at them. If he likes it, you get to go into development with him! He's worked on stuff like the Kids in the Hall and Tom Green, so he knows what's up! Check it out! And there'll be two more videos after this! Yeah!

Jim & Timmy Give Birth (to a Great Idea)
Uploaded by JimBiederman

Jim's Eyes
Uploaded by JimBiederman

My semi-bi-annual discussion of current music

My bi-annual discussion of current music Okay, so I hardly ever pay attention to new music or bands, and despite being on Fuse I'm still not really sure about chemical romances or how you could get to Mars that fast. Every once in a while though, I do buy new albums, normally when they're by an old standard I can trust. For example, I definitely bought more than three albums last year, but I think I only bought three albums that were actually released in 2006. One of them was by Tool ("10,00 Days"), one by Andrew W.K ("Close Calls With Brick Walls"). and the other was by Slayer ("Christ Illusion") because I never get sick of them rhyming "revolution" with "pollution" on every one of their three thousand albums. Find something you're good at and stick to it, y'know? Anyways, it's not that I'm too "cool" for music or anything, I just really don't pay attention unless it's DragonForce, and one amazing magical band can only do so much.

But what all this babble is really about is: I got the new Marilyn Manson and White Stripes albums, and I think they both kick ass, and here's some more babble about that.

The White Stripes got big right as I moved to New York (maybe even because I moved here?), and I've always liked them. Like any annoying hipster, I didn't really listen to them that one year when they were HUGE, but I've always kept them on my radar. They have a great bluesy rock thing mixed with a little creepiness, and although what she actually does is up to debate, Meg White is adorable. But anyways their new album "Icky Thump" is awesome. I liked their last album too, but it was a departure, and this one is great because every song kind of changes it up while keeping up their old-school White Stripes sound, and they have bagpipes in a couple! And one song's about a junk sale! That's awesome.

Marilyn Manson, on the other hand, doesn't have any time to talk about antiquing on his new record "Eat Me, Drink Me." Late last year, some stripper CRUSHED this guy's heart and now he made a record about it, and although that's not at all a new subject for songwriting, he does it real real well. It's actually a little mellower than his last two albums. It kinda sounds like he tried to do a regular rock album as opposed to a metal one but still ran it through his Marilyn Manson filter. I love how he always changes up his style on every album. He's like the Gothic Beck. Anyways, the lyrics here are fucking GREAT. I'm not very good at intrepreting lyrics, but every song here seems to be either "love is horrible" or "women are evil." Or both. I think my favorite lyric so far is "love is a fire that burns down everything it sees." I rarely listen to people singing about bummers, but when I do, I want it to be awesome, and this is some of the best bummer music I've ever heard.

Okay, that's it. Now I'm off to see a Cracked Out and Reggie Watts show at a nightclub owned by the Polish mafia. Yeah, I don't know how that happened either.

Whitest Kids TONIGHT

Hey! How you doin'? Come to the Whitest Kids' show at Pianos tonight! It's free! Let's have fun!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow in the Lower East Side)
8pm
FREE
With Craig Baldo, Sean Patton and Brendan and Jackson, the "90210 Twins."
Hosted by Seth Herzog

Opinions

Some times I actually develop an opinion on something. Here now are some of those very opinions:

I've done some thinking, and this "Paris in jail" thing is NOT the most awesome thing that has ever happened. It sucks. You know why? Because she's on the front page EVERY DAY. She may be detained some where right now, which is funny, but she is still doing exactly what she did before: getting her precious attention from us while distracting the world from real problems with her whiny bullshit adventures.

Then again, the things we're being distracted from aren't exactly things I would pay attention to anyways. Why did this election start already? I'm burnt out on it and the election is still eighteen months away! I seriously do not care, and normally it takes me right up to Election Day to stop caring. I'm probably just going to write-in "The Highlander" like I do every year.

And why aren't the food and water systems on the space station working? Fox has the technology to track down and fire a guy that gave "Fantastic Four" a bad early review (didn't do squat to the guy that liked it) but we can't make sure the astronauts aren't thirsty? Priorities, folks!

They should have special mandatory sidewalks set aside for people over the age of 60.

I would be a great writer for "High Times." I hope you don't need a degree.

More hot women need to come to the Kingdom of Heaven show.

I'm done now.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMOROW!

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Comedy Open Mic Super Hour
@The Creek and The Cave
8PM FREE
Hosted by John F O'Donnell and Timmy Williams
7 to Vernon Jackson
G to 21st street
www.thecreekandthecave.com

See TEN Comedians, some seasoned professionals, some brand spanking
new, spit jokes the way they are meant to be spat.
Followed, of course, by our COMEDIAN OF MERIT headlining the show with
the dopest Stand Up you're ever gonna experience.

HERE IS HOW YOU GET THERE IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARD OR FAR AWAY

7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson
Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five
blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. Please note that the V train does
not run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away
from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

These are a few of my new favorite things

Here is a list of things that have awesomed up my life lately:

1. Carrots.

2. Nutella.

3. The wherewithal not to mix them together.

4. Listening to Anthrax constantly.

5. Listening to the Beach Boys whenever I'm not doing #4.

6. UNO!

7. Putting together Season 2. Y'all are in for some F'd-up S.

8. Meeting people from South Dakota. I've been here six years, and NOW they all start coming out of the woodwork!

9. My reinvigorated stand-up comedy. I'm still doing the same stuff I did before, but I have a new-found zest for it. Maybe it's all those carrots.

10. Whitest Kids fans are some of the sickest, ass-kicking motherfuckers around. Awesome every one!

Boombox 3.0

Sorry if you clicked on this thinking that "Boombox 3.0" was going to be about my new hip-hop album of the same name being produced by the RZA. We're totally in talks for a collabo though.

No, I'm here to talk about the different ways Brooklyn citizens listen to music. Many people use iPods. Some people, a home stereo. Some people have invested so much money in their car's speaker system that even when they're not driving they'll just park their car, turn it on, pump the tunes, and be able to hear their sweet rockage up and down the block.

Not the guy in 1R though. No, my neighbor down in 1R has decided that all that shit is for pussies. 1R has created a new musical delivery system and I don't know how it can be beat. You wanna REALLY enjoy "Gasolina?" Here's how he does it:

1. Buy a bunch of sweet speakers and sub-woofers for your home stereo.

2. Insert latest Daddy Yankee album into the CD player.

3. Turn everything up as high as it can possibly go. If you do it right, you won't even be able to stand in the room without rupturing your ear drums and suffering a seizure.

4. Open your windows.

5. Now, STAND OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT AND ROCK OUT WITH YOUR NEW HOUSE-SIZED BOOMBOX!

The best part is, you don't even need a first-floor apartment to do this! Even if you live higher up, you can just stand on the fire escape!

This is for real, though. This dude from 1R stands outside ALL DAY and listens to his music. It's pretty incredible. I would try it, but I think the neighborhood is more comfortable with reggaeton than my Ween/Slayer megamix.

Taste the Rainbow

It's Sunday. It's 11:30 or midnight or something. I don't know what time it is, leave me alone. You just had a great show, met some awesome fans, and are currently sitting in a little room at a bar and your table is covered in condoms. What do you do?

GIRLY SHOTS!

Darren and Melissa and Kate and Jordan and I were all that was left of a rather large cotterie of people that sat in one of those little rooms in the front of that bar Local 138. It was still pretty early, and to pass the time we decided to ask the bartender for the girliest shot he could think of.

He did a good job.

The shot was bright pink and tasted like strawberries. So did the six others that followed it. Why did we continue to drink these? I don't know. It was just like drinking liquid Jolly Ranchers. I probably shouldn't eat any sugar for six months now. We probably weren't even drunk so much as we had an insane sugar buzz. I drank a gallon of water and brushed my teeth nine times when I got home, and my mouth STILL feels like I made out with Strawberry Shortcake for nine hours. Not that I'm complaining.

When I looked in the mirror this morning my eyes were bloodshot but the veins weren't red, they were bright pink, and when I farted it played the "Rainbow Brite" theme.

Girliest drinks ever.


P.S. As usual, I just read over this post to check for errors (the one error I always forget to correct is clicking "post") and this post doesn't make any sense. Sorry.

More thoughts about non-thought-worthy things

To the guy at Rififi who left his Polaroid camera out, thereby allowing Trevor and Zach and I to use up all of his film to take pictures of ourselves: Thank You.

To whomever or whatever it was that made Rififi smell like a cabbage made out of farts: No Thank You.

My supermarket has a very un-super cracker selection.

I would bet that most local pharmacies are like this, but I was at the drugstore today and I think I was the only customer that wasn't buying cigarettes and lottery tickets. I find it a little scary that those are the best-selling items at a drugstore. Maybe they use the smokes and lotto to lure people in to take advantage of their TWO-FOR-ONE VITAMIN SALE! That's why I was there! I now have more "Multi-Vitamins for Guys that don't like Vegetables or Cancer" pills than I'll ever need.

Paris Hilton screaming and crying while being driven back to the Slammer is one of the best things that's happened all year.

I have two cans of chili in my cupboard. I am perfectly capable of making my own chili (it's actually the best damned chili in America, thank you), but something intrigues me about the canned stuff. I think it's because when I was a kid, I watched the Dick Tracy movie with Warren Beatty all the time, and he eats chili out of a can in a few scenes. So maybe I'm just trying to be more like Dick Tracy. If that's the case, maybe I should just buy a yellow trenchcoat as opposed to eating chemical can-meat.

Ah, whatever. I've got those vitamins.

Hypnotic

My new goal in stand-up is to have every one of my performances look like THIS:

MUST...WRITE...SOMETHING...

I don't know. I feel like I really need, like have to, write right now, but I don't have anything really important to say, and I don't know why I have this insane urge to write. Maybe I just want to type. I like the sound it makes, and I do have a very comfortable keyboard, but if I just wanted to hear something cool and have my hands feel nice, why don't I just put on some Ween and pet the cat?

Should I type a joke? Should I complain about smells or cabbies? Should I share my chili recipe? What?

Or maybe I'm just feeling really insecure because I bought UNO for my Xbox 360 today. Yeah. That colored card game. No aliens or Nazis to shoot, no mind-bending graphics, just colored cards and disturbingly relaxing trumpet music. Playing that game is very calming and sedating, and what's even weirder is that I found people to play it with online! UNO!

Or maybe I want to type so bad because I need to move my fingers because I ate some Chef Boyardee today and all those crazy chemicals are making my fingers hyper!

Or maybe I should just let my fingers type on their own without my guidance and see if they type out some sort of message! Like a Ouija Board! Or a message from God! He would probably just tell me to quit talking about boobs so much though.

Or maybe I just need a real job.

Coming Soon...

Or maybe instead of calling it an "autobiography" I can go this route:



Or this:



Or maybe I'll just go with this:



What do you guys think?

Brooklyn is Currently on High Surf Alert

The weather man says it's raining so hard that we're currently on high surf alert. To celebrate, here are some High Surfers:







BE SAFE, EVERYONE!

Au Revoir

Well, I had an exciting weekend and have all sorts of stories of little kid bands and Everything Parades and bubble tea and being "the guy in the t-shirt" at an engagement party and all sorts of other stuff to write about, but I can't because I have to go to Cape Cod right now! The Whitest Kids are headed up there to write for Season 2! And there won't be much, if any, internet access! So I'm definitely going to miss checking MySpace 2003243423 times a day, and I don't even know how I'll get by without going here everday!


But I think I'll be okay, as long as this place has a comic book shop and somewhere to buy tacos.

Don't let me down, Cape Cod...

See everyone in a week!

YES!

This might be exactly what are country needs right now.

Awesome.

And, unlike "The Condemned," which I heard blew, this one looks like it may actually deliver the goods, and by "goods" I mean "anonymous soldiers getting their heads chopped off by an old man."

Suit-wearing

I don't wear suits very often. I don't even wear pants unless I absolutely have to. This evening, however, I actually had occasion to wear a suit. So I did.

The Whitest Kids were invited to this big to-do about TV and ad sales or something. I don't know what the party was actually about, but there was free caviar and escargot and also free vodka. And the dude that plays Sawyer on "Lost" was there (HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT). So I wore a suit. I'm not going to let my aversion to wearing pants keep me from getting free food and seeing dudes from from the only TV show I watch that doesn't feature me and my friends making fart sounds.

Anyways, so yeah, suits. There's some things you can and cannot do while wearing a suit.

You CAN'T do rock jumps, because you don't want to split your pants.

You CAN look nice. Or at least presentable. Basically, when I wear a suit it makes people in my presence want to turn the lights off less.

You CAN'T take the subway home if it's past 1AM. People will probably fuck with you.

You CAN appear far more important/famous/sexy than you actually are.

I took a cab home tonight, and as I was sitting back there in my suit I started to wonder what the cabbie would think if I told him that the place we were headed to was not my home but rather the home of someone I had been hired to kill. If I was a dude that wore suits all the time, I would totally tell cabbies that constantly.

Next time I wear a suit (wedding/funeral/weird industry party), I'll totally try it.

Barbarism

Well, I had a real lazy day yesterday. I managed to accomplish one or two small tasks for this week's Kingdom of Heaven (DO NOT MISS it, by the way), but other than that, it was mostly underpants and Xbox. Then at around 10pm or so, I decided that I liked hanging out in my briefs so much, I should watch a movie about people that share my interest! So I popped in "Conan The Barbarian."

Y'know, I forgot about 90% of this movie, but it all kicks ass!

First off, I just want to applaud Arnold Schwarzenegger for the confidence and ballsiness to make a movie about his run for governor TWENTY YEARS before it even happened! It's a pretty accurate depiction, too, and I was wondering how he got all those facts right decades before the actual event and then I remembered that he's actually a robot from the future, so he probably learned it in school! Duh, Timmy!

Also, there's a lot of crazy animal cruelty in this movie, some real, some special effects. Most people know about the famous camel-punching scene. If not, let me sum it up for you: he punches a camel! A real camel! And it falls down! Then he beheads a giant snake! And then, when he's tied to a tree and left for dead and a vulture starts picking at his shoulder, he BITES THE VULTURE'S NECK and kills it! They didn't show it, but I bet he stepped on tons of ants too.

And when he's not killing animals or other humans, he's touching boobs! I think Conan bangs about five different women in this movie, and then they show an orgy scene later on, just to make sure they've filled the audience's barbaric need for simulated sex.

Did you like that pun?

So anyways, I'm glad I watched it, because I really only remembered the part where James Earl Jones turns into a snake, and there is so much more to this wonderful piece of cinema history.

He punched a camel!

Power Rangers? Still?

Well, I was surprised this afternoon to find that the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are still on TV. It even looks like they have more of a budget now, taking full advantage of CGI technology! One thing I really liked about it was that the good guys always announce what they're going to do right before they do it, such as saying "Tech Bot Activate!" and then they activate their Tech Bot (I don't know what that means or how you go about activating a Tech Bot, but they did it). I know this isn't something Power Rangers invented, but they are pretty good at it. I want to start doing that in comedy. That would be awesome! It would be like:

"Abortion Joke Activate!"

or, more likely,

"Awkard ten-minute set without jokes Activate!"

I was very disappointed to see that not only did this Power Rangers episode reference Scarface ("say hello to my little robot!") but it also had the token black guy on the team say "that was off the hook!" Does anyone say that anymore, let alone black guys?

After that was over, I was pleased to see that they still have that Saturday NBA news show hosted by Ahmad Rashad. I watched that religiously when I was little, and they STILL do it! I don't watch TV very much anymore, but it's nice to see that not much has changed since I was ten (except, of course, for the inclusion of my pale half-naked form in deep cable).

Big Whitest Kids news!!!

Hey y'all! The Whitest Kids have been picked up for season two on Fuse! Yippee! Here's an article about it:

AWESOME!!!

Thanks to everyone who's been watching!

And here's an interview I did about the Whitest Kids for Trashwire:

Neat!

Get it together, New York City!

I love New York. I really do. It's a great city, and it's been very good to me. I have bled and sweated and cried for this town, and in return it's given me a very awesome last couple of years. I think it's one of the greatest places in existence!

That being said, this town has been fucking retarded the last few days.

First off, why in the blazes can't I get a cell phone signal in BROOKLYN?!?!? Last night I was trying to text Shandi a very important answer to a very important Guitar Hero-related question, and my phone wouldn't send it out, despite showing full service. I tried to send it like eleven times and it never worked. Trevor was having the exact same problem! Then today I was talking to my mom and my phone dropped the signal like seven times in five minutes! Did someone activate some kind of anti-signal bubble this week that I wasn't informed of? The Center of the Universe, the Babylon of the 21st Century, the Financial Epicenter of the World, is RIGHT ACROSS THE RIVER, and yet we can't get decent cell phone service? Double you tee eff?

And then there was this "deli" that Trevor and I attempted to eat at in Williamsburg this afternoon. The sign said "Deli" and there were people standing outside of the place eating sandwiches, but when we went inside there were no menus anywhere, no people behind the counter, nothing that looked like sandwiches or sandwich ingredients behind the counter, and a big stack of canned tomatoes on a shelf! That was the only visible item, and they looked like they may have just been for display! Then we walked further back into the establishment and were in a weird empty bar kind of place with an old pizza sitting on the counter (also possibly for "display only"). I still have no idea what the hell that place was trying to be or where those people outside got their sandwiches. Maybe they brought the sandwiches from home because they knew they'd be hanging out at the non-deli.

So tonight we tried to go to a record release party as "VIPs." Krista was kind enough to get us in on the list, and they sat us in this "VIP" section on couches, which was cool. We got to soak in the feeling of seeming important for, oh, about two minutes when we got kicked off for not buying a bottle of gin. The same gin that was FREE AT THE BAR! Clever, club, very clever, but you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning, or offer me a big bucket of tacos, to pull one over on old Timmy Williams!

Can you tell that the person writing this hasn't smoked in nine days?

So anyways, it's not like I'm gonna move away or anything; I'm just saying that New York has been acting a little oafish lately. This city needs to awesome it up a little bit. I'm paying my rent on time and putting up with train delays; time to hold up YOUR end of the bargain, NYC.

Yeah, this whole rant totally screams "I'm quitting smoking."

Pills Time

I'm going to buy some sleeping pills today and end it all.

Oh! No! Not like that! I meant my insomnia! I want to end my insomnia!

You see, lately I haven't been sleeping well at all and I don't know why. It takes me forever to fall asleep and I wake up really early. I was thinking that maybe quitting smoking and not drinking very much would help, but no dice. Maybe if I drank a LOT and then took some sleeping pills...no, wait. I don't want to sleep that well.

Maybe I should rig up one of those Fred Flintstone-style bowling ball alarm clock things, but just use it to put me to sleep rather than wake me up.

Yeah. I think I'll do that.

Cabbies. Plastic. Beer flies.

I know this is teetering on the Seinfeldian, but I'd like to complain about cabbies and their wireless cellphone headsets for a little bit. Whenever these guys use these little things to contact whatever non-America they're from, it distracts them from listening to my directions. My apartment isn't too hard to get to, and I normally give pretty detailed directions right when I get in. Last night though, this guy was too busy chit-chatting in some crazy language instead of listening to me when I told him which street to turn onto off of Greenpoint Ave. So instead of asking me, he just sloooowly creeps down Greenpoint as BICYCLES PASS US, until I tell him where to turn. I don't even know what he was trying to do, but it made me mad and I wanted to write about it.

Okay. Now on to the plastic. I buy my cat, Spaceship, new toys every once in a while, but like a toddler playing with the box his Christmas present comes in, she's more into the simple pleasures. Last week I purchased an Xbox 360, FOR HER, and she instead just plays with the little plastic tie thing that held the controller in there (it's like those little plastic things the cops use when they think the person they're arresting is too poor for actual handcuffs). So now I'm stuck with this amazing video game system that my cat won't even play with! Luckily I found that they have a number of entertaining titles for humans as well, so I do partake from time to time, particularly in the title in which you drive a car as fast as you can into an intersection and try to cause as much damage as possible. Quite exhilarating.

I had a kegger a few weeks ago. It was a smashing success, and by that I mean "way too many people showed up, the beer was drank way too fast, and I didn't get to eat any of the huge sandwich that I bought." It was seriously a lot of fun though, and the night ended with Shandi soundly defeating a bottle of Jameson and locking several of the Whitest Kids out onto the fire escape. Even though the keg was emptied that night, I for some reason decided to take it back to the beer store TODAY. This was a mistake, especially because I had it sealed in a Tupperware trash can this whole time, and when I opened the can, I was met with a most unwelcome odor and an even more unwelcome CLOUD OF BUGS! Where did these bugs come from?!? I think they were born out of the bad beer! Are they the same kind of bugs that fly out of sack of rotten bananas? Should I grow an army of these bugs and then attempt to conquer Brooklyn? Hard-hitting questions, yes, but questions that MUST be asked.

I can't believe I just wrote that much about three stupid subjects. I'm gonna go pet Princess some more.

Soooooo manly.

I am holding a tiny little chihuahua named Princess in my left hand while I type this from an adorable British fabric store.

I am the echelon of masculinity.

More later regarding plastic, cabbies, and bugs created by old beer.

The State of the Galaxy

Y'know, with all these stories of NASA astronauts trying to kill eachother lately, I've become awfully worried that our society is moving far too quickly towards becoming "Star Wars."

And now we're one step closer.

What will we have next, intelligent-yet-spunky little droids running around?

Oh shit.

I Quit Quitting Quitting

What I mean is, I've quit smoking again. I'm on Day 3.

The first time I quit was for an entire year. During that time, I had an office job at which I sat on my ass all the time, and I ate lots and lots of food whenever I wanted a cigarette. Now, I may have already had some pizza and ice cream today, but I by no means have been gorging like I did the first time I quit smoking, and I've already been walking about 30 or 45 minutes every day since I quit, so I think my Chubby Level will remain at "Adorable" and hopefully won't ever venture into "Gross."

Also, I now have an Xbox, which I can play whenever I want to smoke. In fact, I think I actually bought the Xbox when I wanted a cigarette the other day. Maybe if I really want one later on I'll buy something else cool, like a TV, or a bullet-proof vest.

A few other things will also help me quit this time around. Firstly, it's been real nice outside lately, and I always feel worse blowing smoke into a clear blue sky than I do into a rain cloud. I mean, the storm clouds already look like smoke anyways, so who cares? Right? Right?

Also, I have enough friends that don't smoke now, and I can hang out with them. About 99% of the comedians I hang out with smoke, though, so I guess that means I'll be chilling with the karaoke kids exclusively for a while until I kick the habit.

Congratulations, comedy friends!

Naked Party 2007!

So tonight brings us the very first "Tops or Bottoms" party at Plan B. Basically what's going on is this: Shandi and Jesse are DJing their normal "Dang!" party, but if you show up lacking pants and/or a shirt, you get some sort of drink special or something. I believe that underwear is preferred, but I bet it won't go more than an hour or so before private parts start flying around the room.

I actually need to go shopping for some black socks to complete my "outfit." That's weird. I NEVER buy clothes but now that I'm going to one that emphasizes the removal of clothing, I'm gonna go buy some. That's crazy!

Okay, I'm Back

Yeah, I haven't written a proper blog in a while. How dare I? Here's some excuses:

My friend Amber visited for a week and we spent most of the time eating way too much, and then walking it off, and then eating more. It worked out pretty well.

Also, I bought an Xbox 360. All five Whitest Kids have one now, and we're probably gonna start writing sketches while we play "Call of Duty 3." Expect every new sketch from here on out to be about World War II.

Also, it's been criminally nice outside. I live in a pretty good "walkin' around" neighborhood, so I enjoy strolling through Greenpoint, taking in the various smells (normally either poop, bread, or fire) and watching the old drunks hobble around until the bar opens. It's lovely.

Also, I spent one evening watching the auto shop across the street burn to the ground. That was crazy!

Also, I've been napping a lot. There' really not anything funny I can say about that. It's actually kind of sad.

I know that none of these are very good excuses. I wish I could say something like "I didn't write a blog for a week because I was skydiving with Sean Connery" or something, but I can't lie to you guys. I just love you too much.

Me and Andrew WK talking about comics! LIVE!

This will be one of the crowning achievements of my life thus far. I not only get to go talk about comic books in front of a live audience, but I also get to do so with one of the coolest rocker/lecturers out there, Andrew W.K.! And to top it all off, I get to read a bunch of comic books tonight (in order to prepare for the show) and pretend that it's work! Yeah!

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesday, April 24th @ 9:30 PM

Andrew W.K. (The Wolf, Party Hard)
Timmy Williams (Whitest Kids U Know, Fuse TV)
& Musical Guest Leslie Korein!

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Things I have learned since my last blog posting

Hot green tea with honey and a slice of lime is way better than hot green tea with honey and a slice of lemon.

My cabbie Rauf also went to Brooklyn College. He didn't drop out though.

Boris Yeltsin is NOT invincible.

Honduras is full of little kids with handguns.

I will probably suffer a massive heart attack and die tomorrow at about 9:35 PM.

That last sentence will only make sense after reading the posting that I am going to put up right after this one.

If you take one pasty dude and put him on a beach in South America for five months and take another pasty dude and stick him in Brooklyn for the same amount of time, the dude in South America will probably end up being much tanner than the dude in Brooklyn. He will also probably be married to a Briton.

My friend Amber is visiting soon and we're going to conquer Greenpoint.

Gatorade is delicious.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN STARTING LATE TOMORROW!

Hey y'all, the Kingdom of Heaven, Queen's BEST comedy show, is starting late tomorrow. The show will start at 10, and if you wanna perform, show up at 9:30 to sign up! Please know that we will only let 10 open-mic'ers perform. You must sign up at 9:30! Okay?!?!?!?!?!?

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
Wednesday, April 4th
10pm, Open Mic sign-up at 9:30
FREE
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
www.thecreekandthecave.com

How do yo get there?

Take the sweet SUBWAY!

G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south
(away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto
Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave.
Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783

Best movie poster ever?

I'm a smart guy, but when it comes to watching movies, I want shit to be as dumb as possible. There's this movie coming out called "The Condemned" that I think will fit the bill very nicely. It's about "Stone Cold" Steve Austin being dropped on an island with a bunch of other badasses and they have to kill eachother for some kind of reality TV show. Sounds awesome, right? Check out how sweet the poster is!



If this doesn't make you want to immediately see this work of art, then I don't know why you even read this thing. Good day.

Also, any film containing the following image automatically gets my money:



I really, honestly, cannot wait.

Cramps

I bet after reading that title you all thought I was gonna talk about having a period, thereby finally revealing that I am a hermaphrodite, huh?

Nope.

This is about apartments.

Here in New York City, space is a precious commodity. When looking for a new place, you spend tons of time and energy and money over every square inch you can get, trying to find, as Carlin put it, "a place for your stuff."

Now I've actually been pretty lucky in that regard. I currently have a beautiful apartment with lots and lots and lots of space, but once again, as in every place I've ever lived in this fair city, I also have tons of space where I really don't want it...

WHY ARE THESE GODDAMN CEILINGS SO HIGH?!?!? I HAVE TO CHANGE TWO LIGHT BULBS BEFORE THE WHITEST KIDS COME OVER TO HELP ME DRINK THIS FRIDGE FULL OF BEER I HAVE ACQUIRED, AND NOW I HAVE TO "MACGUYVER" TOGETHER SOME KIND OF BIZARRE CONTRAPTION JUST TO ENSURE THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO DRINK LIKE THE CAVEMEN DID?!?! AND WHY AM I SO GODDAMN SHORT ANYWAYS?!?!? I COULD REACH THE LIGHTS EASILY IF I WASN'T SOME BIZARRE HOBBIT-TYPE PERSON! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

I guess it's not all that bad. Even if we have to drink in the dark, the beer will still be cold, an amenity the cavemen never got to experience. Actually, they never got to experience beer at all. They probably just drank stegosaurus blood or something when it was time to party.

Well, it's time to begin duct-taping my pliers to my mop now.

Gee Whiz

Well, my birthday was awesome. I managed to make it last from exactly 12 AM to about 5 AM the next day. I got a lot of toys, a lot of cupcakes, and a lot of booze. Enjoying them all at once is a pretty awesome thing to do.

Now I'm just sitting here reading an AWFUL script that I'm gong to audition for when I really should be reading "Cat's Cradle." Kurt Vonnegut died today, so I'm going to re-read it, and then read one of his that I haven't yet. Suggestions are welcome.

There's really only two kinds of things that I read anymore: comic books and stuff by Vonnegut or Hunter Thompson. Now that both of them are gone, I suppose I'll have to slow down on reading their stuff so that I can still be reading books of theirs for the first time five years from now. I mean, re-reading things is fun too, but nothing beats discovering new prose by one of the old masters for the first time, and I want to still be doing that in my thirties.

It sucks that now both he and Hunter Thompson are gone. I know they both started their careers in their youth, and I've read their early stuff and it was great, but they became these awesome cantankerous geniuses as they aged. My grandfather Jerry was the same way (without the copious amounts of booze, drugs and cigarettes), and he's gone too. The world is running out of coots. Crazy old men are so much more interesting than crazy young men, and I can't wait until I become the former. I'd better start toning down the latter so I can get there.

R.I.P. Mr. Vonnegut.

A pretty good 24 hours

Well, my last day was pretty good. I found out that the video game "Rock Band" will be released in late 2007. It's like "Guitar Hero," only you can play guitar, bass, drums and VOCALS! And you can play it ONLINE! It's gonna end all of our social lives.

Then I got to spend some quality time with someone I haven't had much quality time with lately, and that was awesome. We played pool and ate sandwiches. We're much better at one than we are at the other. Guess which one.

Then came the only black mark on an otherwise spotless day: my stand-up. I don't know what it is, but I really felt uncomfortable and weird about my set. People were laughing okay, but it was weird. Jordan mentioned that it had something to do with the room being too well-lit, stating that people don't like to laugh in the light, because then other people will see them losing control. That sounds crazy but I think he may be onto something.

So now I'm sitting at home preparing for an audtion, and the character I'm reading for has a description that is probably how people describe me when I'm out of earshot. I would print it here but the script is like super secret or something. Anyways, I feel good about it. I basically just have to walk in there and be Timmy.

So that's all good, right? Then I check out iTunes and find a NEW SONG BY DRAGONFORCE! And I turn 26 at midnight! Holy shit! Awesome!

HAY GUISE I'M DOING STANDUP LOL!!!

Hey! Who wants to come see me doing standup on Easter Sunday?!??!? I do! That's why I said "yes" when they asked me to do it!

The Beauty Bar Comedy Show
Hosted by the illustrious Jesse Popp and Vince Averill, who is totally illin
With the Blerds and Timmy Williams

BEAUTY BAR
9:30 pm
231 E 14th Street between 2nd & 3rd
FREE

Plus, if you come, I will give you a piece of Easter candy. Seriously. Just mention this and I'll give you one. It'll be good.

I must be pretty secure in my manhood...

...because if I wasn't, I would probably be having a problem with the fact that I'm currently eating Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream and watching "Kill Bill."

Alone.

With my cat.

Well, last night was pretty good

I went on my friend Jimmy's radio show and was given the radio nickname "Broomsticks Basket." My catch-phrase was "I'm gonna weave you a new one!"

I saw "Grindhouse" which was totally awesome. I liked Tarantino's part the best. He's good. There was a stupid fat guy sitting behind me who kept saying stuff like "That bitch gonna die" and "She's a standard ho," which were both pretty obvious statements. He might as well just have yelled "I'm at a movie right now!"

I went to Plan B for Shandi and DDrej's DARN! Party and the bartender Emily kept giving me Dewar's on the rocks. "Dewar's on the rocks" is apparently her nickname for me. She has not yet issued me a catch-phrase.

Shandi and Sam and I then went to Pianos for after-hours Guitar Hero. This was a good idea. We also drank more. This was a bad idea. My friend Alex showed me a picture of his new baby, who is adorable. Adorable babies are a great idea.

When I woke up this morning, my nose felt really weird. It itched really bad and I kept feeling like I had to sneeze, but I couldn't. After an hour of this torture, I decided to send in a probe (my index finger) and pulled out a very long cat hair. Thanks, Spaceship. Way to help your master deal with a hangover, buddy. I guess it could be worse, as one member of my partying party is way more hungover than me. You can read her blog if you want to know more about that though.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
Wednesday, April 4th
8pm
FREE



It's called: THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN comedy open mic super hour, and it's happening for the third time this Wednesday! Showtime 8pm. Singup 7:30pm
FREE FOR ALL!

It's run by TIMMY WILLIAMS (HBO Aspen Comedy Fest. Whitest Kids You Know on Fuse) and JOHN F. O'DONNELL (Comedy Central's FRESH FACES of Comedy, CHECK YOUR COOL at the Parkside Lounge)

It's a bi-weekly open mic that cultivates sweet up and comers and then showcases a sweet comedian of merit at the end.

Our third comedian of merit? He lives in California usually!

Anthony Jeselnik
(Comedy Central's Premium Blend, ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live, NBC's Last Call With Carson Daly)

Where's it at?

The greatest place EVER.:
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
www.thecreekandthecave.com

How do yo get there?

Take the sweet SUBWAY!

G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783
Love,

John F. and Timmy

www.myspace.com/timmyandjohn

Stone Phillips' Purple Skirt and LIES

Okay. So, tonight the Whitest Kids went to this fashion show called Dressed to Kilt. It was a Scottish-themed show that benefits a few charities, and there were lots of guys modeling kilts and hot ladies modeling kilts and generally lots and lots of kilts in attendance. Our publicist got us tickets to the event because it gave us the chance to go through a press line and get our picture taken a whole bunch and talk to some news shows. To convince us to go, we were told that Sean Connery (father to Indiana Jones) would be there.

This was a goddamn lie.

I'm not saying I didn't have a good time. There was tons of free good scotch there, and I got to see Donald Trump, Michael Strahan, Billy Boyd (a hobbit) and some other people. Also, Donald's daughter Ivanka Trump was there, and she was modeling some tartan kilt/dress thing, and she's totally smoking hot. I never thought she was before, but in person, it's ridiculous. And oh yeah, Stone Phillips was there, and he modeled a purple kilt. That was just fucking surreal.

But NO SEAN CONNERY! None! Not even any pictures of him hanging up on the walls or anything! The worst part was, we didn't know that he wasn't coming until the end of the show, so when we were talking to the reporters we kept talking about how excited we were for Connery, and they probably all thought we were crazy! NO SEAN CONNERY!

I did get lots of free scotch and possibly tried haggis (not sure what was on that cracker) for the first time though, so that's pretty cool.

Randomnessness

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I could do to get thrown into Russian prison (the Gulag). Any suggestions?

At Subway today some dude was having an argument with his co-worker over their annoying Nextel walkie-talkie things. Having a guy standing next to you screaming over a phone about what kind of bread to get his Subway Club on is bad enough, but throw in the "buh-beep!" sound every three seconds and it's poke-your-eyes-out-tastic!

I fell off the wagon* again recently. It's happened so many times now that I actually have a spot shaped just like me on the road, and I fit right in there!

There is a strong possibility that I will get to touch Sean Connery this evening.

I bought jeans at a dollar store today. That's right kids! Work real hard for years, get yourself on television, and soon, you too could be purchasing irregular Lee's while listening to "New York's NEW Soft Music Station" being pumped into the store at maximum volume! Yeah!

I have a dress form in my house right now. I found it in my hallway. For those who don't know, a dress form is a headless mannequin torso on a stick, and anyone who has one in their house that doesn't sew (me), is a total creep. I'm just keeping it here until my friend that sews comes and picks it up (doesn't mean I'm not a creep though).

Today my "to-do" list included wrapping a present, buying cheap clothes, doing laundry, downloading some Aerosmith (for karaoke purposes only), telling someone not to "jeopardize Sean Connery for a girl" and drinking some vanilla milk.

Things are going really well so far (the milk is delicious and "Love in an Elevator" is 90% complete).





*The smoking wagon. Sorry, Mom.

Whitest Kids Tonight! Free! No joke!

Hey people,

The Whitest Kids U' Know are doing a FREE show at Pianos tonight! New Sketches! New Videos! Hilarious Stand-ups! Totally be there.

The Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow)
8pm
with Patrick Borelli and Seth Herzog
hosted by Anthony Jeselnik

Ham and Loathing in New Jersey

Something weird happens every time I go to New Jersey. Past experiences have involved ferrets, whip cream, bongos and cigars (all from separate outings). This time, it involved ham.

Jersey apparently has its own indigenous type of ham called Taylor Ham. I had never heard of this celebrated pork product (or of the concept of a state having an indigenous ham) until I got into John F. O'Donnell's car today to head over to Jersey to do a show we were both booked at. Vince Averill came with us, but he wasn't performing. It turned out that Vince was there only to try this supposedly delectable meat for his first time, and that the comedy show was really just a cover for a Ham Road Trip! Apparently Taylor Ham is a point of pride for a lot of Jersians. John even went so far as to say that it's better than bacon!

It's not.

I mean, it was pretty good. I had it in what I was told is the traditional fashion (on a roll with egg and cheese), and it was quite tasty, but it sure as hell doesn't beat bacon! Maybe that's why people in states that aren't called New Jersey have heard of bacon!

The Jersey-ites I was with said that this wasn't the most flavorful Taylor Ham they'd had, so maybe I had a bad batch (my farts certainly smell like I did). Maybe I'll give it another shot some time. At any rate, when doing standup tonight I found out the hard way that you DO NOT diss this meat in New Jersey. It's just not done. Also, there was a dog wandering around during the show, and another dog in a back room somewhere barking during people's sets. I think I was the only comedian it never barked at. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

Yeah, I'll give Taylor Ham another shot some time.

knock it off, fake hot chicks

Okay, these fake "hottie" accounts on MySpace are really starting to enrage my billy goat, or whatever. This morning I had like 20 new messages and 55 new friend requests, and they were all from these stupid accounts with generic "hawt" pictures with links on their pages to webcams or nudes or timeshares. They're pretty much just spam accounts. I get the logic behind using half-naked women to plug porn and stuff like that, but timeshares? What? And how could I NOT get suspicious when approached by 55 hot women? Even if that happened in real life, I would still think something was up. I mean, I know I'm a veritable volcano of raw sexual magnetism, but 55 is a lot.

I do like what they're doing with the names for these fake accounts though. They used to just have names that sound like porn star names, like "Cassidy," but now they're doing stuff like "Hunny Bunnzz." Kudos to that, at least.

Shows!

Hey! I'm doing some standup this week! I even wrote some new jokes about puking, sex and ferrets!

TUESDAY (TOMORROW):

This is the sketch group containing my dear old friends Hans and Casey. They're funny and RIDICULOUS! Come check it out! It's free!



WEDNESDAY (NEW COMIC BOOK DAY):

This is my friend Melissa's show, and it's pretty much the only cool thing that happens in New Jersey.



Notice that both shows have also booked John F. O'Donnell. I can't get away from that guy.

Appreciating the Super-Powered

I was just laying in bed a moment ago and looking out the window when I realized something: the walls of New York City apartment buildings are pretty thick! That made me feel pretty bad for Spider-Man! He's always getting thrown through them! When you see him go through one, it looks pretty painless and the wall crumbles pretty easily, but it probably actually hurts a lot; those things are at least a foot or two deep! I understand what you're going through a little better now, Spider-Man.

I've also been appreciating Catwoman more this week because I've had two cats at my house the last few days and they're driving me CRAZY! They're always fighting and drinking water! She had like 800 cats and she still kept her cool! She got along with them great! They licked her wounds for her and then she made a sexy cat-shaped leather costume in tribute to them!

I also appreciate Wolverine, but just because he has those really bad-ass claws. I don't really empathize with him at all or feel that we have anything in common, except for our short stature and the fact that we've both been smooched by Famke Janssen. Actually, I also can heal quickly and don't know my real age, and would totally wear my hair like that if I could, so maybe we could be bros.

Wow, this posting was stupid.

I've been assassinated

Well, I just woke up shivering and coughing and puking. It appears that I've caught that cold/fever/flu thing that's going around.

Now, I know that there's a lot of shit in the air around this time of year, and I am aware that my immune system is probably a little weak right now after all the partying I've been doing lately, but I think something else is going on here. Let me break it down for you:

1. The symptoms I'm displaying are very similar, if not identical, to those that Shandi and Aimee recently exihibited when they were sick.

2. I've seen both of them a couple of times in the past week, while they were sick, so I probably got it from one of them.

3. Both Shandi and Aimee have worked with VH1 recently (Aimee works there and Shandi shot something with them the other night).

4. VH1 is the sister channel of MTV.

5. MTV not only has a sketch comedy show of its own coming out soon but is also a ruthless adversary that will stop at nothing to crush other music channels. Channels like FUSE.

I think you all see where I'm going with this.

You may have won this battle, MTV, but you won't win the war. Someone will take my place.

Prepare for glory.

Rap Music

Okay I'm not going to bed just yet. Let's talk.

More specifically, let's talk about Mims.

For those of you who aren't "down," Mims is the hot new rapper from Brooklyn who has a hit single called "This Is Why I'm Hot."

It's terrible.

I love it.

Really, this song is BAD. And I can't stop listening to it. I don't like, nod my head or groove to it or think it's amazing though. I laugh. I laugh at it the same way that I laugh at a Steven Seagal movie. It's so wonderfully silly! He doesn't just sample songs, he samples OTHER RAP SONGS! And then he says stuff like "This is why I'm hot, I don't gotta rap, I could sell a mil(lion) sayin' nothin' on the track." He's ridiculous! It's not that different from seeing a dumpy guy with a weird pony tail and a silk shirt break arms! I mean, rap music has been turning into more and more of a cartoon of itself lately, but this guy has taken it to a whole new level!

Also, his name stands for "Music Is My Savior."

Hilarious.

Trevor and I have decided to adopt similar rap names. He's Ribs (Reading Is Bullshit) and I'm Cum (Chicks Understand Me). Together we're Ribs And Cum, which is just a gross, gross pairing of words.

Okay, NOW I'm going to bed.

Televizzle

So as you may know, the Whitest Kids U' Know's TV show premiered on Fuse tonight. Last night we had two parties to celebrate. The first one was at Comix and was pretty corporate, with a lot of the Fuse people and crew from the show in attendance. I was like the only dude there without a collared shirt on. Sam was dressed to the nines. It was nice, we showed the first episode and ate vegetables, etc.

Then we threw an all-out drunkfest at Pianos. We showed a bunch of our stuff, some of it to music (it didn't sync up but I really wanted it to), and then I went upstairs at karaoke and stripped to my underpants while singing "Simply Irresistible," and people shoved dollars in my pants. When I got home at like 4 A.M. and went to the bathroom, money fell into the toilet. I at first thought that I had somehow attained some kind of amazing new power, but right when I was starting to jot down ideas for my "Money-Pee-er" costume, I remembered what had happened.

Then tonight we all went to Sam's to watch the show and we drank a bottle of Dom Perignon that I had sitting in my fridge forever. Even though I've seen the sketches hundreds of times it was still cool seeing it actually on TV with commercials and everything. They even ran commercials for the Ninja Turtles movie during it, which for me was a great personal victory (I've always wanted my life to somehow intersect with Master Splinter's, and now that goal has been accomplished). Then they ran the second episode, which was also cool to see as it contained several of my favorite things in the whole series.

After that, we turned to the Carson Daly show to see our friends VietNam play an awesome song from their awesome album. Ivan from the band has been close friends with the Whitest Kids forever, and I remember he and I having a conversation years ago about us "taking over this city," so it was cool that we had our TV debuts on the same night.

I am soooo tired and don't know what else to write. It still hasn't really sunk in that I just appeared on TV for an hour and that six years of hard work and poverty and 40s have finally paid off, so I'm just gonna go to bed and see if it sinks in tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone for your support and friendship and general awesomeness! You all get rides in my helicopter (I'm gonna buy one in 2009)!

I'm packing for my trip to Texas

1 (one) cowboy hat

2 (two) six-shooters

1 (one) gallon jug of barbeque sauce

1 (one) map to what is apparently the best little whorehouse

4 (four) pair briefs

I think I'm set!

An experiment

DENNIS!
Hike up your skirt
We need all of your candy. Right now
I run my fingers through my hair all the time
Eat salt
DENNIS!
Nutrition is your toy now
Pink follicles
Try not to look too gay
I would appreciate it
if you stop
taking my name off the mailbox.
0 or 10, never the middle.
DENNIS!

Happy Birthday, Daylight Savings Time!

Well, I'm drunk and just got my food; my watch says it's 4 A.M., but supposedly it's actually "5 A.M." I know that in a few days I'll get used to it, but for right now I feel like these two gentlemen:



Or maybe this guy:



Or perhaps even him:

So, about this guy that mugged the really old ladies...

So, as many of you have probably heard already, this weekend some guy decided to mug two really old ladies in walkers.

The first lady was 101 years old. And then this dude decides "Nah, three digits isn't enough. I gotta try and break the bicentennial mark!" So he goes across the street to another apartment and robs an 85-year-old in a walker! And in both cases, he punched the old lady in the face!

Some guy punched two old ladies in the face!

Is this what we're coming to? Really? This happened in New York, where there's plenty of young women to mug who probably have more money than these women. Rob the young! Leave these elderly women alone! They probably have lots and lots of cookies they want to bake for their grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and you took all of their cookie-baking money, you bastard!

I've asked this before, but, please, if anyone out there has access to the Big Red Button, just push it now.

Whitest Kids Tomorrow!

To celebrate Daylight Savings Time, The Whitest Kids U' Know are doing a FREE show at Pianos tomorrow! New Sketches! Video! Fun!

Actually, all of our shows at Pianos are free. But we do want you to come down tomorrow because it will be really fun! Come on!

Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton)
8pm
Free
with Joe Mande and Josh Zepps

Yeah!

Honda Scooter Commericals Were Awesome!

Hey everybody, how y'all doin'? I have diarrhea! Anyways, this evening Shandi sent me a sweet DEVO video from YouTube, and in searching there for more Devo stuff I found this collection of 80s amazingness. Be sure to watch the Lou Reed one, it's insane! Enjoy!

Jim McMahon



DEVO



Grace Jones



Grace Jones and Adam Ant



Lou Reed

Heaven kicks ass

Man, me and Johnny's first "Kingdom of Heaven" show last night was awesome! We had a pretty good-sized audience given that it was the first night of our Wednesday-night comedy show in Queens on a cold winter night. The management was so pleased with the show, they bought everyone in the room a beer afterwards! Awesome! Highlights included:

- The fact that we had 10 people perform and they all were well-received by the audience (half of which was those same 10 people).

- First-time stand-ups Sam Brown and Justin Sevakis were really good. Sam had the best opening joke. I'm totally gonna Dane Cook the shit out of it. Justin also had really funny jokes and had never really performed anything at all anywhere before, so good job! I eventually want the "open mic" portion of the show to ONLY be people who don't perform comedy in any other capacity, so we'll see how that works out...

- I tackled host John F. O'Donnell when he brought me up for my set. After I was done he went on stage and referred to me as "the hipster Gallagher." I can't believe he thinks I'm a hipster.

- In my set I told this story about my grandfather taking me fishing and at the end of it I mentioned that I didn't really have a good ending for it. After I was done, some dude suggested to me that I end the story with my grandfather blowing me. Good idea, dude! I'm sure my DEAD GRANDFATHER would love that joke!


- Three of the five Whitest Kids U' Know can now be considered "stand up comics," so when drugs and women tear the group apart, at least Sam and Trevor and I will be okay.

- Trevor sang a song about pterodactyls. Be still my heart.

- I heard that the bar eventually plans to sandwich our comedy night in between "Arrested Development" screenings before our show and KARAOKE afterwards. Luckily, they already have a couch for me to sleep on.

whoah stuff

I don't know what that heading meant.

So, I heard the Whitest Kids' billboard was taken down. If anyone finds it, please let me know. You'll recognize it as my billboard by the really huge picture of me on it.

I found a little pile of mouse poop next to my oven. I'll get traps tomorrow. I want to give Spaceship a night to try and prove she's still got it. If there's a lump under the kitchen floormat in the morning then I'll know she's earned her keep.

Shaquille O'Neal's autobiography continues its grip on me. Last night we read some passages from it at the Whitest Kids show and it was pretty well received, so I'm glad to see that we're all on the same page (the page containing descriptions of his "ninja philosophy"). I'm also going to be reading NEWLY DISCOVERED passages from it on Wednesday at this thing:



G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783

Whitest Kids Tonight, and then...

Hi friends,

The Whitest Kids U' Know are having a FREE show tonight at Pianos! Two of our members are missing so we asked awesome dude Brett Gelman (Cracked Out, Brighter Side) to be a Whitest Kid for a day! Come on down and check out the show, and then afterwards we can all go looking for the other two guys!

Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton)
FREE
8pm
with Reggie Watts and Vince Averill
hosted by John F. O'Donnell

And then on Wednesday, come see Mr. O'Donnell and I host our inaugural edition of "The Kingdom of Heaven Open Mic Comedy Superhour" in Long Island City!

It's open mic, so come try out stand-up for the first time, or try out something new if you've already done it before!

Wednesday, March 7th and Wednesday, March 21st.

TEN Open-mic comedians. Two real ones, and Timmy Williams! All for the price of FREE!

Sign Up is at 7:15, show start at 8!

And it's at The Creek And The Cave (10-93 Jackson Avenueon Jackson and 49th), a delightful bar right off the 21st St/Van Alst stop on the G and the Vernon/Jackson stop on the 7 or the 23rd/Ely stop on the E/V, the first stop in Queens on these trains. It's in Long Island City, which is a cool place, and you can see Williamsburg from there! Come on down!

What if I got a kitten?

Really? What if I did? Would Spaceship like it? What would I name it?

Here's some ideas:

The Punisher
Death Star
Dinosaur
Timmy
The Great Pretender
Girlfriend
Aaaawwwww (and then change its name when it isn't cute anymore)
Wormhole
Wii
Sexy Lingerie

I think I'm leaning towards "The Punisher" and "Girlfriend."

What say ye, o scrupulous public?

What I did last night

So I was walking home last night after karaoke and as I passed a dark, foreboding alley here in Greenpoint a spark caught my eye. You don't really see a lot of sparks in this part of Brooklyn so I entered the alley to investigate. Sparks continued to emerge from the back of the alley as I approached and they were soon accompanied by the clashing of metal on metal.

The fear creeping from the pit of my stomach to the back of my throat was the strongest terror I've felt in years and was rivalled only by my raging curiosity. I finally gave in to the latter and crept towards the sparks even closer, finding a tipped-over garbage can to hide behind. I could now finally see the cause of these strange sights and sounds: two figures, engaged in battle! Though they were still in silhouette, I could see the loose ends of a bandana dangling from the shorter of the two's head, and in his hand was a sword. The slightly taller figure had what appeared to be claws emerging from his hands. Was Wolverine fighting a ninja?

I was half right. As blade met claw once again, the errant sparks illuminated the two combatants just briefly enough for me to recognize them.

It had finally happened.

Shredder was fighting Leonardo, right in my own neighborhood.

I had been skeptical of the existence of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for years but had always maintained a childlike glimmer of hope. I found myself being overcome once again with that youthful wonder as a scene I had imagined so many times realized itself right in front of me.

I was so distracted by this childish glee that I didn't feel the velociraptor's claw around my neck until it was too late. I was lifted off my feet by the prehistoric hunter as its tooth-filled maw stretched wide, eager to devour me whole. Obviously, the prehistoric killer was somehow involved in Shredder's sinister machinations.

I began to pray to my god (it's Zeus, by the way) in preparation for death when yet another odd sound pierced the night.

It was a sound I had heard replicated many times in the movies, but nothing can really prepare you for the raw intensity and fury of hearing the crack of a whip in person.

Indiana Jones had come to my rescue.

I had never imagined that Dr. Jones and the Turtles would ever team up, but it seemed they had done just that, which was fortunate for me. Indiana's whip lashed the 'raptor across the eyes, causing the monster to shriek in pain (which, incidentally, sounded exactly as it did in "Jurassic Park") and drop me to the ground. I quickly crawled behind the brave archaeologist as he knocked the dinosaur unconscious with a quick rabbit-punch to the face. Indiana Jones had just punched a raptor in the face.

I had been so distracted by Indiana Jones fighting a dinosaur that I had forgotten about Leonardo fighting the Shredder not ten feet away. I turned around to see "Leo" casually tying a net around the fallen crimelord. Although I was glad to be alive, I was sad to have missed what I'm sure was an exemplary display of Turtle Power.

Having saved the day, Leonardo and Dr. Jones suggested that we have a drink, so we went to the Mark Bar which is a bar in Greenpoint that pretty much never closes. We imbibed shot after shot of whiskey until we noticed April O'Neill, Princess Leia, and Batgirl sitting at the other end of the bar. We took them back to my place and had our way with them, and I was really really good.

When I woke up the next morning, Indiana Jones and Leonardo and April O'Neill and Princess Leia and Batgirl were gone, leaving no trace of my having met them (or, in the ladies' cases, doing them real good). I had no evidence that this amazing evening had even really happened.

It totally did though.

Screw the Oscars, watch the Whitest Kids! FREE!

Hey everybody,

The Oscars are soooo 2006. Why spend four hours watching “The Departed” not win when you could come out and see the Whitest Kids for FREE?!? Tonight we’ll be showing BRAND NEW VIDEOS and live sketches! So TiVo the Oscars and come check it out!

The Whitest Kids U’ Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Stanton and Ludlow)
FREE
8pm

with Baron Vaughn and Soce the Elemental Wizard
hosted by Andrew Wright

NNNNEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Okay, so we all know I like comic books, etc. I recently got really into them over the summer and I love reading them and talking about them, etc. It was always kind of a closet thing though for a long time, and then this fall I decided, "Fuck it! It's who I am!" and started admitting it publily, because really, there's no need to be ashamed, right? Right?

This weekend, the shame came back.

I went to New York Comic Con.

Now, I did have a lot of fun there. I saw a lot of creators that I admire, including STAN LEE, the guy who created Spider-Man, the X-Men, the Hulk, and a whole bunch of other reasons that I didn't get laid in high school. Here's a shitty picture of him:



And then of course, there were the Dumpy X-Men. The Dumpy X-Men are a little-known offshoot from the 70s. There was this one story in Uncanny X-Men where the X-Men got trapped in the Dumpiverse and...

...never mind, it's not worth it to make up a story. I'll just show the picture of the kids in their dumpy X-Men outfits.



And of course, there were Star Wars costumes EVERYWHERE:



I'm not sure what the purple Boba Fett guy is all about. I actually tried not to include him in the photo but he kept inching in anyways.

There were also all these kids with those cool toy lightsabers that just came out, the ones that are hard plastic and and actually light up and make noise when you hit them together. They were having a choreography contest, which probably would have been the most stomach-churningly nerdy thing EVER to watch, but at the time I was watching the Editor-In-Chief of Marvel Comics talk about the Hulk. Not nerdy at all.

I think the most shamefully nerdy moment of the whole weekend came when I found myself pushing through a small crowd to get my collection of comics ABOUT TALKING MICE WITH SWORDS signed by the creator. I'm ridiculous.

Also, Gary Coleman was there for no discernible reason.

Tremors is awesome.

That's really all this posting is about. When I was travelling around the country last fall, I bought a lot of movies, most of them at 3 a.m., drunk out of my mind, from a "3 for $10" bin at some gas station. I found some gems out there in the rural filling/assrape stations of America. One such find was "Tremors." That's that movie where a bunch of hicks fight some huge monster worms in the middle of nowhere. It's basically the closest we'll ever get to seeing "Cowboys Versus Dinosaurs: The Movie." I've never really been big into monster movies, but I've seen enough to know that "Tremors" is a good one. Most movies like this have some bullshit explanation behind the monster, given by some "expert" who just happens to be in the town being attacked by a creature from said expert's field of expertise (e.g. Willie Wonka being present when a huge sentient Gobstopper attacks a village in Prussia [actually, I would watch that movie]). The only movie where that experts thing really works is "Jurassic Park," because everyone's an expert of some sort and they all have something to contribute; there's not just one dude that knows everything and then everyone else is just fodder.

But in "Tremors," you just have one scene where Kevin Bacon and company give their silly redneck theories about how the monsters came to be. For like thirty seconds. Then they get attacked by more big worms. That's it for the rest of the movie: just people fighting big worms. And some of these people are the dad from "Family Ties" and Reba McEntire (both playing probably the best roles of their careers). Even though it was only 17 years ago, one can already safely say "they don't make 'em like 'Tremors' anymore." Movies now overcomplicate themselves for fear of boring this ADD/TiVo/YouTube/Neon-addled short-attention span freakshow of a moviegoing audience we have today. There's too many subplots and crap.

Take a note from "Tremors," Hollywood: just give Kevin Bacon some tight jeans and let him fight a big ol' worm for ninety minutes*. It'll be good. Trust me.

I can't believe I just sat at my desk at 4 A.M. for like half an hour to write a reivew of a Kevin Bacon movie that came out when I was nine.

Three signs that I need something to do:

1. Today I ate canned Chef Boyardee Ravioli out of a dirty bowl.

2. And I made bids on Star Wars LEGOs on Ebay.

3. And I posted way too many blogs today about way too many nothing at all.