This is where Timmy Williams will talk about all sorts of things. Hopefully it's funny.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

So here's some things

I'm not sure what that subject meant, but if this post seems a little bitter or mean-spirited, it's because earlier today I saw an old episode of "Tom and Jerry" and it made me mad that nothing that good is being made anymore.
Fueled by that rage, I was considering writing a blog about how I hate pretty much everything about pop culture, but what's the point, really? The celebrity-obsessed mall-silicone-tabloid-Dollar-Menu shit train will just keep chugging along anyways. And shit, maybe if I'm ever famous some day and I get pulled over and slander the Mormons or someone a few weeks before some ridiculous movie I made comes out, I'll be glad that drunk bigotry is now a form of advertisement.
Let's take a poll: how many times a day do you consider cutting? Not like, a lot, but maybe just a few slashes on your thighs, where no one will see? Oh really? Well then maybe I should talk to someone.*
There's a banner on this page with a little oil-drilling game on it, and it's flashing "YOU LOSE" at me every 10 seconds or so. Even when I don't play the game, I still lose. That's actually very poetic. Good job, "Strike Oil!" game!
I'm going to bed soon. I have to put the sheets back on first, because I kicked them off in my sleep last night, probably because I was having that crazy dream where I fall on broken glass again. I don't think it means anything, I think I just keep having it because I keep remembering it, and because falling on broken glass is badass (it worked for Bruce Willis).
I bet those kids already spent all the money they got from selling my iPod. Probably didn't even invest it or anything.
I know I'm only 25 (and a half), but I'm already starting to wonder if I'm ever gonna get to see a gorilla in person. I mean in ape.
I saw part of "Deuce Bigalow 2" today. Rob Schneider...that's it. That's all I got. He has moved past the point of insults. In a way, he has become so bad that he is now invincible. I guess if nothing else works out, I'll just do that too. It works for him (and Bruce Willis).

*Don't worry, that thing about cutting was just a joke. I would NEVER do that. I obviously enjoy having skin, which is why I cultivate a reserve of it on my abdomen.

Monday, September 11, 2006

To the kid who just stole my iPod on the G train

Wow, where to begin? I can't believe that this enriching, life-changing event is already over! I'm sure that I will want to revisit this moment later on in life though, so I've organized my thoughts into several bullet points:

1. A 30GB iPod Video is probably only worth about 200$ street value. You probably will have to split that ransom with your 2 friends, so that only gives you guys about one whole day, if that, of not being poor. Enjoy it.

2. Given your baggy shorts, basketball shoes, and the racial slurs that you referred to your friends with, I'm guessing that you like hip-hop music. Though my appearance may suggest otherwise, there is unfortunately not much of that kind of music on my iPod, although it does contain the seminal N.W.A. album "Straight Outta Compton." Aside from that though, get set for a lot of Weird Al and hair metal.

3. I was just getting into that episode of "Battlestar Galactica" that I was watching on my iPod when you nabbed it. If you press that circular button in the middle, you'll see that I was in fact only about 10 minutes into the very first episode of the series! How dare you! I don't even know if I can ever watch that show again now for fear of it causing flashbacks of your skinny teen arm, with it's shitty cursive tattoo of your name on it, plucking it from my hands! Thanks for ruining for me what I have heard is a great show.

4. Is an iPod really gonna make your dad stop drinking? Or your 13-year-old girlfriend un-pregnant? No. You should've stolen my book-bag if you wanted a tool to assist you with those problems (claw hammer).

5. After the robbery, I, like many victims before me, enivisioned many scenarios which involved me defeating you in various combat situations. I just want you to know that every single one of those imaginary scenarios involved the words "curb," "check," "family," and "rape."

6. You may be interested to know that I happened upon my iPod in a manner not all that different from the manner in which you happened upon it: I bought it from a store with my hard-earned money. Oh wait. That's totally different. FUCK YOU.

7. You know what? I'm really not all that mad about it. You know why? Because tomorrow I'll go out and buy a new one, and you'll spend the day sleeping on your mom and Todd's floor, smoking out of a light bulb and staring at my iPod, wondering what the fuck a Whitesnake is.