WHY AM I UP?

I have to audition for a commercial in, like, seven hours. It's for a whipped cream, so at least I'm very familiar (too familiar?) with my subject.

When I'm on my deathbed and thinking back on my life and everything that I have accomplished, I'll probably be pretty upset about how many times I've clapped and didn't really mean it.

The next stage of human evolution is the Asshole. There's already TONS of prototypes.

Earlier tonight I was forced into a "Support The Troops" round of applause by some dude that's being shipped off to Afghanistan next week. It sucks that you have to go somewhere and have mean people shoot at you and everything, but don't make me applaud for you just because you SIGNED UP FOR SOMETHING THAT IS DANGEROUS. That's why I won't make people cheer for me once I finally join The International Federation Of Competitive Eaters.

Once you break it down to the basics, there's really only two life paths that a person can follow: The Happy Retard or The Heartbroken Genius.

I really only typed all this shit down so that I can remember it for my stand-up set on Wednesday. I hope that doesn't lessen your experience.

Brooklyn is Better.

Good night!