Au Revoir

Well, I had an exciting weekend and have all sorts of stories of little kid bands and Everything Parades and bubble tea and being "the guy in the t-shirt" at an engagement party and all sorts of other stuff to write about, but I can't because I have to go to Cape Cod right now! The Whitest Kids are headed up there to write for Season 2! And there won't be much, if any, internet access! So I'm definitely going to miss checking MySpace 2003243423 times a day, and I don't even know how I'll get by without going here everday!


But I think I'll be okay, as long as this place has a comic book shop and somewhere to buy tacos.

Don't let me down, Cape Cod...

See everyone in a week!

YES!

This might be exactly what are country needs right now.

Awesome.

And, unlike "The Condemned," which I heard blew, this one looks like it may actually deliver the goods, and by "goods" I mean "anonymous soldiers getting their heads chopped off by an old man."

Suit-wearing

I don't wear suits very often. I don't even wear pants unless I absolutely have to. This evening, however, I actually had occasion to wear a suit. So I did.

The Whitest Kids were invited to this big to-do about TV and ad sales or something. I don't know what the party was actually about, but there was free caviar and escargot and also free vodka. And the dude that plays Sawyer on "Lost" was there (HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT). So I wore a suit. I'm not going to let my aversion to wearing pants keep me from getting free food and seeing dudes from from the only TV show I watch that doesn't feature me and my friends making fart sounds.

Anyways, so yeah, suits. There's some things you can and cannot do while wearing a suit.

You CAN'T do rock jumps, because you don't want to split your pants.

You CAN look nice. Or at least presentable. Basically, when I wear a suit it makes people in my presence want to turn the lights off less.

You CAN'T take the subway home if it's past 1AM. People will probably fuck with you.

You CAN appear far more important/famous/sexy than you actually are.

I took a cab home tonight, and as I was sitting back there in my suit I started to wonder what the cabbie would think if I told him that the place we were headed to was not my home but rather the home of someone I had been hired to kill. If I was a dude that wore suits all the time, I would totally tell cabbies that constantly.

Next time I wear a suit (wedding/funeral/weird industry party), I'll totally try it.

Barbarism

Well, I had a real lazy day yesterday. I managed to accomplish one or two small tasks for this week's Kingdom of Heaven (DO NOT MISS it, by the way), but other than that, it was mostly underpants and Xbox. Then at around 10pm or so, I decided that I liked hanging out in my briefs so much, I should watch a movie about people that share my interest! So I popped in "Conan The Barbarian."

Y'know, I forgot about 90% of this movie, but it all kicks ass!

First off, I just want to applaud Arnold Schwarzenegger for the confidence and ballsiness to make a movie about his run for governor TWENTY YEARS before it even happened! It's a pretty accurate depiction, too, and I was wondering how he got all those facts right decades before the actual event and then I remembered that he's actually a robot from the future, so he probably learned it in school! Duh, Timmy!

Also, there's a lot of crazy animal cruelty in this movie, some real, some special effects. Most people know about the famous camel-punching scene. If not, let me sum it up for you: he punches a camel! A real camel! And it falls down! Then he beheads a giant snake! And then, when he's tied to a tree and left for dead and a vulture starts picking at his shoulder, he BITES THE VULTURE'S NECK and kills it! They didn't show it, but I bet he stepped on tons of ants too.

And when he's not killing animals or other humans, he's touching boobs! I think Conan bangs about five different women in this movie, and then they show an orgy scene later on, just to make sure they've filled the audience's barbaric need for simulated sex.

Did you like that pun?

So anyways, I'm glad I watched it, because I really only remembered the part where James Earl Jones turns into a snake, and there is so much more to this wonderful piece of cinema history.

He punched a camel!

Power Rangers? Still?

Well, I was surprised this afternoon to find that the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are still on TV. It even looks like they have more of a budget now, taking full advantage of CGI technology! One thing I really liked about it was that the good guys always announce what they're going to do right before they do it, such as saying "Tech Bot Activate!" and then they activate their Tech Bot (I don't know what that means or how you go about activating a Tech Bot, but they did it). I know this isn't something Power Rangers invented, but they are pretty good at it. I want to start doing that in comedy. That would be awesome! It would be like:

"Abortion Joke Activate!"

or, more likely,

"Awkard ten-minute set without jokes Activate!"

I was very disappointed to see that not only did this Power Rangers episode reference Scarface ("say hello to my little robot!") but it also had the token black guy on the team say "that was off the hook!" Does anyone say that anymore, let alone black guys?

After that was over, I was pleased to see that they still have that Saturday NBA news show hosted by Ahmad Rashad. I watched that religiously when I was little, and they STILL do it! I don't watch TV very much anymore, but it's nice to see that not much has changed since I was ten (except, of course, for the inclusion of my pale half-naked form in deep cable).

Big Whitest Kids news!!!

Hey y'all! The Whitest Kids have been picked up for season two on Fuse! Yippee! Here's an article about it:

AWESOME!!!

Thanks to everyone who's been watching!

And here's an interview I did about the Whitest Kids for Trashwire:

Neat!

Get it together, New York City!

I love New York. I really do. It's a great city, and it's been very good to me. I have bled and sweated and cried for this town, and in return it's given me a very awesome last couple of years. I think it's one of the greatest places in existence!

That being said, this town has been fucking retarded the last few days.

First off, why in the blazes can't I get a cell phone signal in BROOKLYN?!?!? Last night I was trying to text Shandi a very important answer to a very important Guitar Hero-related question, and my phone wouldn't send it out, despite showing full service. I tried to send it like eleven times and it never worked. Trevor was having the exact same problem! Then today I was talking to my mom and my phone dropped the signal like seven times in five minutes! Did someone activate some kind of anti-signal bubble this week that I wasn't informed of? The Center of the Universe, the Babylon of the 21st Century, the Financial Epicenter of the World, is RIGHT ACROSS THE RIVER, and yet we can't get decent cell phone service? Double you tee eff?

And then there was this "deli" that Trevor and I attempted to eat at in Williamsburg this afternoon. The sign said "Deli" and there were people standing outside of the place eating sandwiches, but when we went inside there were no menus anywhere, no people behind the counter, nothing that looked like sandwiches or sandwich ingredients behind the counter, and a big stack of canned tomatoes on a shelf! That was the only visible item, and they looked like they may have just been for display! Then we walked further back into the establishment and were in a weird empty bar kind of place with an old pizza sitting on the counter (also possibly for "display only"). I still have no idea what the hell that place was trying to be or where those people outside got their sandwiches. Maybe they brought the sandwiches from home because they knew they'd be hanging out at the non-deli.

So tonight we tried to go to a record release party as "VIPs." Krista was kind enough to get us in on the list, and they sat us in this "VIP" section on couches, which was cool. We got to soak in the feeling of seeming important for, oh, about two minutes when we got kicked off for not buying a bottle of gin. The same gin that was FREE AT THE BAR! Clever, club, very clever, but you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning, or offer me a big bucket of tacos, to pull one over on old Timmy Williams!

Can you tell that the person writing this hasn't smoked in nine days?

So anyways, it's not like I'm gonna move away or anything; I'm just saying that New York has been acting a little oafish lately. This city needs to awesome it up a little bit. I'm paying my rent on time and putting up with train delays; time to hold up YOUR end of the bargain, NYC.

Yeah, this whole rant totally screams "I'm quitting smoking."

Pills Time

I'm going to buy some sleeping pills today and end it all.

Oh! No! Not like that! I meant my insomnia! I want to end my insomnia!

You see, lately I haven't been sleeping well at all and I don't know why. It takes me forever to fall asleep and I wake up really early. I was thinking that maybe quitting smoking and not drinking very much would help, but no dice. Maybe if I drank a LOT and then took some sleeping pills...no, wait. I don't want to sleep that well.

Maybe I should rig up one of those Fred Flintstone-style bowling ball alarm clock things, but just use it to put me to sleep rather than wake me up.

Yeah. I think I'll do that.

Cabbies. Plastic. Beer flies.

I know this is teetering on the Seinfeldian, but I'd like to complain about cabbies and their wireless cellphone headsets for a little bit. Whenever these guys use these little things to contact whatever non-America they're from, it distracts them from listening to my directions. My apartment isn't too hard to get to, and I normally give pretty detailed directions right when I get in. Last night though, this guy was too busy chit-chatting in some crazy language instead of listening to me when I told him which street to turn onto off of Greenpoint Ave. So instead of asking me, he just sloooowly creeps down Greenpoint as BICYCLES PASS US, until I tell him where to turn. I don't even know what he was trying to do, but it made me mad and I wanted to write about it.

Okay. Now on to the plastic. I buy my cat, Spaceship, new toys every once in a while, but like a toddler playing with the box his Christmas present comes in, she's more into the simple pleasures. Last week I purchased an Xbox 360, FOR HER, and she instead just plays with the little plastic tie thing that held the controller in there (it's like those little plastic things the cops use when they think the person they're arresting is too poor for actual handcuffs). So now I'm stuck with this amazing video game system that my cat won't even play with! Luckily I found that they have a number of entertaining titles for humans as well, so I do partake from time to time, particularly in the title in which you drive a car as fast as you can into an intersection and try to cause as much damage as possible. Quite exhilarating.

I had a kegger a few weeks ago. It was a smashing success, and by that I mean "way too many people showed up, the beer was drank way too fast, and I didn't get to eat any of the huge sandwich that I bought." It was seriously a lot of fun though, and the night ended with Shandi soundly defeating a bottle of Jameson and locking several of the Whitest Kids out onto the fire escape. Even though the keg was emptied that night, I for some reason decided to take it back to the beer store TODAY. This was a mistake, especially because I had it sealed in a Tupperware trash can this whole time, and when I opened the can, I was met with a most unwelcome odor and an even more unwelcome CLOUD OF BUGS! Where did these bugs come from?!? I think they were born out of the bad beer! Are they the same kind of bugs that fly out of sack of rotten bananas? Should I grow an army of these bugs and then attempt to conquer Brooklyn? Hard-hitting questions, yes, but questions that MUST be asked.

I can't believe I just wrote that much about three stupid subjects. I'm gonna go pet Princess some more.

Soooooo manly.

I am holding a tiny little chihuahua named Princess in my left hand while I type this from an adorable British fabric store.

I am the echelon of masculinity.

More later regarding plastic, cabbies, and bugs created by old beer.

The State of the Galaxy

Y'know, with all these stories of NASA astronauts trying to kill eachother lately, I've become awfully worried that our society is moving far too quickly towards becoming "Star Wars."

And now we're one step closer.

What will we have next, intelligent-yet-spunky little droids running around?

Oh shit.

I Quit Quitting Quitting

What I mean is, I've quit smoking again. I'm on Day 3.

The first time I quit was for an entire year. During that time, I had an office job at which I sat on my ass all the time, and I ate lots and lots of food whenever I wanted a cigarette. Now, I may have already had some pizza and ice cream today, but I by no means have been gorging like I did the first time I quit smoking, and I've already been walking about 30 or 45 minutes every day since I quit, so I think my Chubby Level will remain at "Adorable" and hopefully won't ever venture into "Gross."

Also, I now have an Xbox, which I can play whenever I want to smoke. In fact, I think I actually bought the Xbox when I wanted a cigarette the other day. Maybe if I really want one later on I'll buy something else cool, like a TV, or a bullet-proof vest.

A few other things will also help me quit this time around. Firstly, it's been real nice outside lately, and I always feel worse blowing smoke into a clear blue sky than I do into a rain cloud. I mean, the storm clouds already look like smoke anyways, so who cares? Right? Right?

Also, I have enough friends that don't smoke now, and I can hang out with them. About 99% of the comedians I hang out with smoke, though, so I guess that means I'll be chilling with the karaoke kids exclusively for a while until I kick the habit.

Congratulations, comedy friends!

Naked Party 2007!

So tonight brings us the very first "Tops or Bottoms" party at Plan B. Basically what's going on is this: Shandi and Jesse are DJing their normal "Dang!" party, but if you show up lacking pants and/or a shirt, you get some sort of drink special or something. I believe that underwear is preferred, but I bet it won't go more than an hour or so before private parts start flying around the room.

I actually need to go shopping for some black socks to complete my "outfit." That's weird. I NEVER buy clothes but now that I'm going to one that emphasizes the removal of clothing, I'm gonna go buy some. That's crazy!

Okay, I'm Back

Yeah, I haven't written a proper blog in a while. How dare I? Here's some excuses:

My friend Amber visited for a week and we spent most of the time eating way too much, and then walking it off, and then eating more. It worked out pretty well.

Also, I bought an Xbox 360. All five Whitest Kids have one now, and we're probably gonna start writing sketches while we play "Call of Duty 3." Expect every new sketch from here on out to be about World War II.

Also, it's been criminally nice outside. I live in a pretty good "walkin' around" neighborhood, so I enjoy strolling through Greenpoint, taking in the various smells (normally either poop, bread, or fire) and watching the old drunks hobble around until the bar opens. It's lovely.

Also, I spent one evening watching the auto shop across the street burn to the ground. That was crazy!

Also, I've been napping a lot. There' really not anything funny I can say about that. It's actually kind of sad.

I know that none of these are very good excuses. I wish I could say something like "I didn't write a blog for a week because I was skydiving with Sean Connery" or something, but I can't lie to you guys. I just love you too much.