Well, I had a real lazy day yesterday. I managed to accomplish one or two small tasks for this week's Kingdom of Heaven (DO NOT MISS it, by the way), but other than that, it was mostly underpants and Xbox. Then at around 10pm or so, I decided that I liked hanging out in my briefs so much, I should watch a movie about people that share my interest! So I popped in "Conan The Barbarian."
Y'know, I forgot about 90% of this movie, but it all kicks ass!
First off, I just want to applaud Arnold Schwarzenegger for the confidence and ballsiness to make a movie about his run for governor TWENTY YEARS before it even happened! It's a pretty accurate depiction, too, and I was wondering how he got all those facts right decades before the actual event and then I remembered that he's actually a robot from the future, so he probably learned it in school! Duh, Timmy!
Also, there's a lot of crazy animal cruelty in this movie, some real, some special effects. Most people know about the famous camel-punching scene. If not, let me sum it up for you: he punches a camel! A real camel! And it falls down! Then he beheads a giant snake! And then, when he's tied to a tree and left for dead and a vulture starts picking at his shoulder, he BITES THE VULTURE'S NECK and kills it! They didn't show it, but I bet he stepped on tons of ants too.
And when he's not killing animals or other humans, he's touching boobs! I think Conan bangs about five different women in this movie, and then they show an orgy scene later on, just to make sure they've filled the audience's barbaric need for simulated sex.
Did you like that pun?
So anyways, I'm glad I watched it, because I really only remembered the part where James Earl Jones turns into a snake, and there is so much more to this wonderful piece of cinema history.
He punched a camel!