Hawwy Bwown

So I saw that movie Harry Brown the other night. The title of this post refers to how Michael Caine pronounces it. I don't know if it's his Cockney accent or that fact that he's nine thousand years old, but he kinda sounds like a baby. He also acts like a baby in several scenes of this revenge thriller, but then he'll pick up a gun and lecture the drug dealer who was freebasing out of his own gun about gun usage. Lots of gun talk. It's good to see old guys shooting people with too many tattoos though.

I liked this movie but it was kind of a Tea Party Wet Dream Action Movie. It's about taking the law into your own hands, but rather than having their character deal with the moral consequences of doing so, like Taxi Driver or Paul Kersey, in this movie taking the law into your own hands just solves your problems. Because criminals of any kind should just be hunted down and shot.

This is one of those movies where they justify the main character's murder spree by making the villain cartoonishly bad, like riding around on motorcycles and shooting at babies. It reminded me of that scene in Rambo IV where they've already shown the bad guys slaughtering innocent people but then the main bad guy rapes a little boy. Just for good measure.

Maybe there's some sort of scale in movies like this, where the actions of the baddie have to equal out how obliterated his corpse will be when the hero is done with them.

All in all, I liked it, and Michael Caine is a great actor, but it is a little spooky how it seems to say we should kill criminals with no repercussions. Maybe if he had a skull painted on his shirt I'd be okay with it.

Bridgetown!

So I'm back in Portland and super-excited for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, starting tomorrow! There's like 175 awesome comedians performing! That's a lot! There's shows all weekend along SE Hawthorne! Come check it out!

Hootenanny!

I checked Wikipedia and, yes, "hootenanny" is a word and I spelled it right! Score!

So I'm still in L.A. working on genetic experiments. The neighborhood I'm staying in is rife with loud birds, guys with chainsaws, and little kids. No, the neighborhood is not named "Sleeper's Paradise."

I'm eating some Frosted Flakes right now,* which I haven't done in a while, and on the side of the box it says "FROSTED FLAKES" (duh) but then in really tiny letters under that it says "of corn." I don't remember that from when I was a young 'un. Has that always been there? And why is it so small? It's like they're trying to trick kids into eating something healthy, but then this isn't actually healthy at all! What the deal?

I don't think Steven Seagal took sex slaves and the like. I know virtually nothing of his character, but the reason I don't buy it is that the lady didn't report it to the authorities. If you're going to make something up about somebody else for money, try and make it seem authentic by, oh, I don't know, REPORTING SEX SLAVES TO THE POLICE?!? Maybe that's just me though.







*quick, tell Gawker!

Laws Angulees

So I'm in L.A. for work stuff for a while. It blows being away from the wife, the aminals, and the Portland in general. We are getting some good work done down here though. I don't mean "good work" like building homes for sick kids or anything, we're just writing. I'm just saying that I think we're writing good things.

I've tested out almost every major cities' public transit system, and I think L.A. takes the cake for the worst. The buses run slow and I never know if I'm taking one in the right direction or not! In a city this huge you'd think the problem would be having enough transit for the people here; it's not even that, it's just that the system is lazy and confusing for no reason! Kind of like the city it's in! Actually, you know what? Lots of transit systems seem to reflect their cities:

New York - fast-paced, packed, awesome when you're drinking
Portland - Efficient, ecologically sound and full of chilled-out weirdoes
D.C. - Well-organized, too clean and asleep before midnight
Chicago - Feels cool and old-timey, was in "The Fugitive"
Orlando - Sticky.

APRIL FOOL'S!

So yesterday I posted a letter all over the internet saying that I had quit the Whitest Kids U' Know. Guess what? Yesterday was April 1st!

I would never really quit the WKUK! I'm a lifer! I don't know how many people actually fell for this, but here are some people that I definitely got (I know this because they either called or wrote me all concerned and I had to break it to them).

PEOPLE TOTALLY OWNED BY THIS PRANK:

DARREN
THE WHITEST KIDS' MANAGER
IFC (OOPS)
MY DAD
SEVERAL OTHER FRIENDS WHO SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

Thank you for your support and sorry I lied!


P.S. Lying is fun!

An Important Announcement From Timmy

To all my friends, fans and family,

Spring is a time of change, a time of new things and a time of new beginnings. Plants grow, snow melts, and bears come out of hibernation.

For me, change is afoot as well, and thus I am hereby announcing my resignation from The Whitest Kids U' Know.

For some this announcement may be a shock, but for myself and the other members of the group, it's really been a long time coming. My wife and I recently have moved to Portland, Oregon and started a chicken farm, and that's really the direction our life is going now. Comedy was never something I wanted to do forever, and the time for change has come. Working and living off the land is something we've always wanted to do, and now is the time.

Not a day will go by where I won't miss coming up with silliness with my five best friends. I've had a great time making this TV show, but that time is over for me. For me, that world has moved on.

IFC has been a wonderful place to work for the past few years. We're lucky that we get so much creative freedom and that's something I'll always cherish.

Most of all, I'll miss the fans! You all are the reason we get to do this ridiculously awesome job, and I'll miss meeting you at shows and talking to you on the internet.

Well, that's it from me. I wish nothing but the best to the other Whitest Kids, IFC and our awesome legion of fans. Take care everyone.

Love,

Timmy Williams

Tuesday

My Dad and I just had a long discussion about politics. This has been hard in the past, since he's more of a Republican and I'm more Liberal, but things are easier now since we've both joined the We're All Fucked Party.

The coolest-looking stray dog is roaming our neighborhood today. I want to start a band with him, but he probably already has one.

There's a movie theater here in Portland that shows "LOST" for free every Tuesday. And they have beer and pizza. And they have couches.

Oh, and it appears that magic is real.

Clucking Awesome!

So my wife Kristin and I have four chickens. Their names are Trevor, Zach, Darren and Sam, after the other Whitest Kids/dumbest names we could think of. They're still very young but starting to get really big and today I was lifting one and it clucked! So I guess that means we're doing a good job at keeping them from dying.

Chickens are hilarious. They have this air about them that they seem to think they're way more important than anything else ever. They'll puff their chest out and act all indignant if you try to pick them up or change their water, and then they'll do something stupid like walk on another chicken's head or take a dump on it's own feathers. So basically, chickens are arrogant retarded assholes, but we love them because they have pretty feathers.