Me and Andrew WK talking about comics! LIVE!

This will be one of the crowning achievements of my life thus far. I not only get to go talk about comic books in front of a live audience, but I also get to do so with one of the coolest rocker/lecturers out there, Andrew W.K.! And to top it all off, I get to read a bunch of comic books tonight (in order to prepare for the show) and pretend that it's work! Yeah!

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesday, April 24th @ 9:30 PM

Andrew W.K. (The Wolf, Party Hard)
Timmy Williams (Whitest Kids U Know, Fuse TV)
& Musical Guest Leslie Korein!

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Things I have learned since my last blog posting

Hot green tea with honey and a slice of lime is way better than hot green tea with honey and a slice of lemon.

My cabbie Rauf also went to Brooklyn College. He didn't drop out though.

Boris Yeltsin is NOT invincible.

Honduras is full of little kids with handguns.

I will probably suffer a massive heart attack and die tomorrow at about 9:35 PM.

That last sentence will only make sense after reading the posting that I am going to put up right after this one.

If you take one pasty dude and put him on a beach in South America for five months and take another pasty dude and stick him in Brooklyn for the same amount of time, the dude in South America will probably end up being much tanner than the dude in Brooklyn. He will also probably be married to a Briton.

My friend Amber is visiting soon and we're going to conquer Greenpoint.

Gatorade is delicious.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN STARTING LATE TOMORROW!

Hey y'all, the Kingdom of Heaven, Queen's BEST comedy show, is starting late tomorrow. The show will start at 10, and if you wanna perform, show up at 9:30 to sign up! Please know that we will only let 10 open-mic'ers perform. You must sign up at 9:30! Okay?!?!?!?!?!?

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
Wednesday, April 4th
10pm, Open Mic sign-up at 9:30
FREE
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
www.thecreekandthecave.com

How do yo get there?

Take the sweet SUBWAY!

G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south
(away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto
Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave.
Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783

Best movie poster ever?

I'm a smart guy, but when it comes to watching movies, I want shit to be as dumb as possible. There's this movie coming out called "The Condemned" that I think will fit the bill very nicely. It's about "Stone Cold" Steve Austin being dropped on an island with a bunch of other badasses and they have to kill eachother for some kind of reality TV show. Sounds awesome, right? Check out how sweet the poster is!



If this doesn't make you want to immediately see this work of art, then I don't know why you even read this thing. Good day.

Also, any film containing the following image automatically gets my money:



I really, honestly, cannot wait.

Cramps

I bet after reading that title you all thought I was gonna talk about having a period, thereby finally revealing that I am a hermaphrodite, huh?

Nope.

This is about apartments.

Here in New York City, space is a precious commodity. When looking for a new place, you spend tons of time and energy and money over every square inch you can get, trying to find, as Carlin put it, "a place for your stuff."

Now I've actually been pretty lucky in that regard. I currently have a beautiful apartment with lots and lots and lots of space, but once again, as in every place I've ever lived in this fair city, I also have tons of space where I really don't want it...

WHY ARE THESE GODDAMN CEILINGS SO HIGH?!?!? I HAVE TO CHANGE TWO LIGHT BULBS BEFORE THE WHITEST KIDS COME OVER TO HELP ME DRINK THIS FRIDGE FULL OF BEER I HAVE ACQUIRED, AND NOW I HAVE TO "MACGUYVER" TOGETHER SOME KIND OF BIZARRE CONTRAPTION JUST TO ENSURE THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO DRINK LIKE THE CAVEMEN DID?!?! AND WHY AM I SO GODDAMN SHORT ANYWAYS?!?!? I COULD REACH THE LIGHTS EASILY IF I WASN'T SOME BIZARRE HOBBIT-TYPE PERSON! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

I guess it's not all that bad. Even if we have to drink in the dark, the beer will still be cold, an amenity the cavemen never got to experience. Actually, they never got to experience beer at all. They probably just drank stegosaurus blood or something when it was time to party.

Well, it's time to begin duct-taping my pliers to my mop now.

Gee Whiz

Well, my birthday was awesome. I managed to make it last from exactly 12 AM to about 5 AM the next day. I got a lot of toys, a lot of cupcakes, and a lot of booze. Enjoying them all at once is a pretty awesome thing to do.

Now I'm just sitting here reading an AWFUL script that I'm gong to audition for when I really should be reading "Cat's Cradle." Kurt Vonnegut died today, so I'm going to re-read it, and then read one of his that I haven't yet. Suggestions are welcome.

There's really only two kinds of things that I read anymore: comic books and stuff by Vonnegut or Hunter Thompson. Now that both of them are gone, I suppose I'll have to slow down on reading their stuff so that I can still be reading books of theirs for the first time five years from now. I mean, re-reading things is fun too, but nothing beats discovering new prose by one of the old masters for the first time, and I want to still be doing that in my thirties.

It sucks that now both he and Hunter Thompson are gone. I know they both started their careers in their youth, and I've read their early stuff and it was great, but they became these awesome cantankerous geniuses as they aged. My grandfather Jerry was the same way (without the copious amounts of booze, drugs and cigarettes), and he's gone too. The world is running out of coots. Crazy old men are so much more interesting than crazy young men, and I can't wait until I become the former. I'd better start toning down the latter so I can get there.

R.I.P. Mr. Vonnegut.

A pretty good 24 hours

Well, my last day was pretty good. I found out that the video game "Rock Band" will be released in late 2007. It's like "Guitar Hero," only you can play guitar, bass, drums and VOCALS! And you can play it ONLINE! It's gonna end all of our social lives.

Then I got to spend some quality time with someone I haven't had much quality time with lately, and that was awesome. We played pool and ate sandwiches. We're much better at one than we are at the other. Guess which one.

Then came the only black mark on an otherwise spotless day: my stand-up. I don't know what it is, but I really felt uncomfortable and weird about my set. People were laughing okay, but it was weird. Jordan mentioned that it had something to do with the room being too well-lit, stating that people don't like to laugh in the light, because then other people will see them losing control. That sounds crazy but I think he may be onto something.

So now I'm sitting at home preparing for an audtion, and the character I'm reading for has a description that is probably how people describe me when I'm out of earshot. I would print it here but the script is like super secret or something. Anyways, I feel good about it. I basically just have to walk in there and be Timmy.

So that's all good, right? Then I check out iTunes and find a NEW SONG BY DRAGONFORCE! And I turn 26 at midnight! Holy shit! Awesome!

HAY GUISE I'M DOING STANDUP LOL!!!

Hey! Who wants to come see me doing standup on Easter Sunday?!??!? I do! That's why I said "yes" when they asked me to do it!

The Beauty Bar Comedy Show
Hosted by the illustrious Jesse Popp and Vince Averill, who is totally illin
With the Blerds and Timmy Williams

BEAUTY BAR
9:30 pm
231 E 14th Street between 2nd & 3rd
FREE

Plus, if you come, I will give you a piece of Easter candy. Seriously. Just mention this and I'll give you one. It'll be good.

I must be pretty secure in my manhood...

...because if I wasn't, I would probably be having a problem with the fact that I'm currently eating Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream and watching "Kill Bill."

Alone.

With my cat.

Well, last night was pretty good

I went on my friend Jimmy's radio show and was given the radio nickname "Broomsticks Basket." My catch-phrase was "I'm gonna weave you a new one!"

I saw "Grindhouse" which was totally awesome. I liked Tarantino's part the best. He's good. There was a stupid fat guy sitting behind me who kept saying stuff like "That bitch gonna die" and "She's a standard ho," which were both pretty obvious statements. He might as well just have yelled "I'm at a movie right now!"

I went to Plan B for Shandi and DDrej's DARN! Party and the bartender Emily kept giving me Dewar's on the rocks. "Dewar's on the rocks" is apparently her nickname for me. She has not yet issued me a catch-phrase.

Shandi and Sam and I then went to Pianos for after-hours Guitar Hero. This was a good idea. We also drank more. This was a bad idea. My friend Alex showed me a picture of his new baby, who is adorable. Adorable babies are a great idea.

When I woke up this morning, my nose felt really weird. It itched really bad and I kept feeling like I had to sneeze, but I couldn't. After an hour of this torture, I decided to send in a probe (my index finger) and pulled out a very long cat hair. Thanks, Spaceship. Way to help your master deal with a hangover, buddy. I guess it could be worse, as one member of my partying party is way more hungover than me. You can read her blog if you want to know more about that though.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
Wednesday, April 4th
8pm
FREE



It's called: THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN comedy open mic super hour, and it's happening for the third time this Wednesday! Showtime 8pm. Singup 7:30pm
FREE FOR ALL!

It's run by TIMMY WILLIAMS (HBO Aspen Comedy Fest. Whitest Kids You Know on Fuse) and JOHN F. O'DONNELL (Comedy Central's FRESH FACES of Comedy, CHECK YOUR COOL at the Parkside Lounge)

It's a bi-weekly open mic that cultivates sweet up and comers and then showcases a sweet comedian of merit at the end.

Our third comedian of merit? He lives in California usually!

Anthony Jeselnik
(Comedy Central's Premium Blend, ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live, NBC's Last Call With Carson Daly)

Where's it at?

The greatest place EVER.:
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
www.thecreekandthecave.com

How do yo get there?

Take the sweet SUBWAY!

G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783
Love,

John F. and Timmy

www.myspace.com/timmyandjohn

Stone Phillips' Purple Skirt and LIES

Okay. So, tonight the Whitest Kids went to this fashion show called Dressed to Kilt. It was a Scottish-themed show that benefits a few charities, and there were lots of guys modeling kilts and hot ladies modeling kilts and generally lots and lots of kilts in attendance. Our publicist got us tickets to the event because it gave us the chance to go through a press line and get our picture taken a whole bunch and talk to some news shows. To convince us to go, we were told that Sean Connery (father to Indiana Jones) would be there.

This was a goddamn lie.

I'm not saying I didn't have a good time. There was tons of free good scotch there, and I got to see Donald Trump, Michael Strahan, Billy Boyd (a hobbit) and some other people. Also, Donald's daughter Ivanka Trump was there, and she was modeling some tartan kilt/dress thing, and she's totally smoking hot. I never thought she was before, but in person, it's ridiculous. And oh yeah, Stone Phillips was there, and he modeled a purple kilt. That was just fucking surreal.

But NO SEAN CONNERY! None! Not even any pictures of him hanging up on the walls or anything! The worst part was, we didn't know that he wasn't coming until the end of the show, so when we were talking to the reporters we kept talking about how excited we were for Connery, and they probably all thought we were crazy! NO SEAN CONNERY!

I did get lots of free scotch and possibly tried haggis (not sure what was on that cracker) for the first time though, so that's pretty cool.

Randomnessness

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I could do to get thrown into Russian prison (the Gulag). Any suggestions?

At Subway today some dude was having an argument with his co-worker over their annoying Nextel walkie-talkie things. Having a guy standing next to you screaming over a phone about what kind of bread to get his Subway Club on is bad enough, but throw in the "buh-beep!" sound every three seconds and it's poke-your-eyes-out-tastic!

I fell off the wagon* again recently. It's happened so many times now that I actually have a spot shaped just like me on the road, and I fit right in there!

There is a strong possibility that I will get to touch Sean Connery this evening.

I bought jeans at a dollar store today. That's right kids! Work real hard for years, get yourself on television, and soon, you too could be purchasing irregular Lee's while listening to "New York's NEW Soft Music Station" being pumped into the store at maximum volume! Yeah!

I have a dress form in my house right now. I found it in my hallway. For those who don't know, a dress form is a headless mannequin torso on a stick, and anyone who has one in their house that doesn't sew (me), is a total creep. I'm just keeping it here until my friend that sews comes and picks it up (doesn't mean I'm not a creep though).

Today my "to-do" list included wrapping a present, buying cheap clothes, doing laundry, downloading some Aerosmith (for karaoke purposes only), telling someone not to "jeopardize Sean Connery for a girl" and drinking some vanilla milk.

Things are going really well so far (the milk is delicious and "Love in an Elevator" is 90% complete).





*The smoking wagon. Sorry, Mom.

Whitest Kids Tonight! Free! No joke!

Hey people,

The Whitest Kids U' Know are doing a FREE show at Pianos tonight! New Sketches! New Videos! Hilarious Stand-ups! Totally be there.

The Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow)
8pm
with Patrick Borelli and Seth Herzog
hosted by Anthony Jeselnik