Dust and Devo

I will discuss those two things in an order opposite from which they were listed.

DEVO is the best band ever. I have known this since high school but have been re-learning this in the past month or so. I will re-educate everyone about this tomorrow at karaoke. The best thing about them is that their best songs are really weird and not singles or anything and just kind of sit in the middle of an album. "Whip It," for example, is not that great when compared to "Time Out for Fun" and "When We Do It," but is probably the only song of theirs that even has a chance of being in Guitar Hero. Speaking of GH, I have seen lists of many (but not all) of the songs included in Guitar Hero 80s, GH 3, and Rock Band. We're all gonna die.

So dust, yeah? Well, this evening after the WKUK show several of us ended up on a roof in Midtown and sat in deck chairs that, now having seen my clothing in good lighting, were apparently covered in some kind of weird white dust. I look like a mummy that loves ironic t-shirts.

More later?

Some things I did

Hey look! Here's a couple videos that Jim Biederman (executive producer of the WKUK show and a bunch of other awesome things) and I did for Daily Motion Great Sketch Comedy Showdown Contest. It's this great thing where you submit funny videos that you make, and Jim looks at them. If he likes it, you get to go into development with him! He's worked on stuff like the Kids in the Hall and Tom Green, so he knows what's up! Check it out! And there'll be two more videos after this! Yeah!

Jim & Timmy Give Birth (to a Great Idea)
Uploaded by JimBiederman

Jim's Eyes
Uploaded by JimBiederman

My semi-bi-annual discussion of current music

My bi-annual discussion of current music Okay, so I hardly ever pay attention to new music or bands, and despite being on Fuse I'm still not really sure about chemical romances or how you could get to Mars that fast. Every once in a while though, I do buy new albums, normally when they're by an old standard I can trust. For example, I definitely bought more than three albums last year, but I think I only bought three albums that were actually released in 2006. One of them was by Tool ("10,00 Days"), one by Andrew W.K ("Close Calls With Brick Walls"). and the other was by Slayer ("Christ Illusion") because I never get sick of them rhyming "revolution" with "pollution" on every one of their three thousand albums. Find something you're good at and stick to it, y'know? Anyways, it's not that I'm too "cool" for music or anything, I just really don't pay attention unless it's DragonForce, and one amazing magical band can only do so much.

But what all this babble is really about is: I got the new Marilyn Manson and White Stripes albums, and I think they both kick ass, and here's some more babble about that.

The White Stripes got big right as I moved to New York (maybe even because I moved here?), and I've always liked them. Like any annoying hipster, I didn't really listen to them that one year when they were HUGE, but I've always kept them on my radar. They have a great bluesy rock thing mixed with a little creepiness, and although what she actually does is up to debate, Meg White is adorable. But anyways their new album "Icky Thump" is awesome. I liked their last album too, but it was a departure, and this one is great because every song kind of changes it up while keeping up their old-school White Stripes sound, and they have bagpipes in a couple! And one song's about a junk sale! That's awesome.

Marilyn Manson, on the other hand, doesn't have any time to talk about antiquing on his new record "Eat Me, Drink Me." Late last year, some stripper CRUSHED this guy's heart and now he made a record about it, and although that's not at all a new subject for songwriting, he does it real real well. It's actually a little mellower than his last two albums. It kinda sounds like he tried to do a regular rock album as opposed to a metal one but still ran it through his Marilyn Manson filter. I love how he always changes up his style on every album. He's like the Gothic Beck. Anyways, the lyrics here are fucking GREAT. I'm not very good at intrepreting lyrics, but every song here seems to be either "love is horrible" or "women are evil." Or both. I think my favorite lyric so far is "love is a fire that burns down everything it sees." I rarely listen to people singing about bummers, but when I do, I want it to be awesome, and this is some of the best bummer music I've ever heard.

Okay, that's it. Now I'm off to see a Cracked Out and Reggie Watts show at a nightclub owned by the Polish mafia. Yeah, I don't know how that happened either.

Whitest Kids TONIGHT

Hey! How you doin'? Come to the Whitest Kids' show at Pianos tonight! It's free! Let's have fun!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow in the Lower East Side)
8pm
FREE
With Craig Baldo, Sean Patton and Brendan and Jackson, the "90210 Twins."
Hosted by Seth Herzog

Opinions

Some times I actually develop an opinion on something. Here now are some of those very opinions:

I've done some thinking, and this "Paris in jail" thing is NOT the most awesome thing that has ever happened. It sucks. You know why? Because she's on the front page EVERY DAY. She may be detained some where right now, which is funny, but she is still doing exactly what she did before: getting her precious attention from us while distracting the world from real problems with her whiny bullshit adventures.

Then again, the things we're being distracted from aren't exactly things I would pay attention to anyways. Why did this election start already? I'm burnt out on it and the election is still eighteen months away! I seriously do not care, and normally it takes me right up to Election Day to stop caring. I'm probably just going to write-in "The Highlander" like I do every year.

And why aren't the food and water systems on the space station working? Fox has the technology to track down and fire a guy that gave "Fantastic Four" a bad early review (didn't do squat to the guy that liked it) but we can't make sure the astronauts aren't thirsty? Priorities, folks!

They should have special mandatory sidewalks set aside for people over the age of 60.

I would be a great writer for "High Times." I hope you don't need a degree.

More hot women need to come to the Kingdom of Heaven show.

I'm done now.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TOMOROW!

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Comedy Open Mic Super Hour
@The Creek and The Cave
8PM FREE
Hosted by John F O'Donnell and Timmy Williams
7 to Vernon Jackson
G to 21st street
www.thecreekandthecave.com

See TEN Comedians, some seasoned professionals, some brand spanking
new, spit jokes the way they are meant to be spat.
Followed, of course, by our COMEDIAN OF MERIT headlining the show with
the dopest Stand Up you're ever gonna experience.

HERE IS HOW YOU GET THERE IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARD OR FAR AWAY

7 to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson
Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five
blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave. Please note that the V train does
not run on weekends.

G to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away
from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

These are a few of my new favorite things

Here is a list of things that have awesomed up my life lately:

1. Carrots.

2. Nutella.

3. The wherewithal not to mix them together.

4. Listening to Anthrax constantly.

5. Listening to the Beach Boys whenever I'm not doing #4.

6. UNO!

7. Putting together Season 2. Y'all are in for some F'd-up S.

8. Meeting people from South Dakota. I've been here six years, and NOW they all start coming out of the woodwork!

9. My reinvigorated stand-up comedy. I'm still doing the same stuff I did before, but I have a new-found zest for it. Maybe it's all those carrots.

10. Whitest Kids fans are some of the sickest, ass-kicking motherfuckers around. Awesome every one!

Boombox 3.0

Sorry if you clicked on this thinking that "Boombox 3.0" was going to be about my new hip-hop album of the same name being produced by the RZA. We're totally in talks for a collabo though.

No, I'm here to talk about the different ways Brooklyn citizens listen to music. Many people use iPods. Some people, a home stereo. Some people have invested so much money in their car's speaker system that even when they're not driving they'll just park their car, turn it on, pump the tunes, and be able to hear their sweet rockage up and down the block.

Not the guy in 1R though. No, my neighbor down in 1R has decided that all that shit is for pussies. 1R has created a new musical delivery system and I don't know how it can be beat. You wanna REALLY enjoy "Gasolina?" Here's how he does it:

1. Buy a bunch of sweet speakers and sub-woofers for your home stereo.

2. Insert latest Daddy Yankee album into the CD player.

3. Turn everything up as high as it can possibly go. If you do it right, you won't even be able to stand in the room without rupturing your ear drums and suffering a seizure.

4. Open your windows.

5. Now, STAND OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT AND ROCK OUT WITH YOUR NEW HOUSE-SIZED BOOMBOX!

The best part is, you don't even need a first-floor apartment to do this! Even if you live higher up, you can just stand on the fire escape!

This is for real, though. This dude from 1R stands outside ALL DAY and listens to his music. It's pretty incredible. I would try it, but I think the neighborhood is more comfortable with reggaeton than my Ween/Slayer megamix.

Taste the Rainbow

It's Sunday. It's 11:30 or midnight or something. I don't know what time it is, leave me alone. You just had a great show, met some awesome fans, and are currently sitting in a little room at a bar and your table is covered in condoms. What do you do?

GIRLY SHOTS!

Darren and Melissa and Kate and Jordan and I were all that was left of a rather large cotterie of people that sat in one of those little rooms in the front of that bar Local 138. It was still pretty early, and to pass the time we decided to ask the bartender for the girliest shot he could think of.

He did a good job.

The shot was bright pink and tasted like strawberries. So did the six others that followed it. Why did we continue to drink these? I don't know. It was just like drinking liquid Jolly Ranchers. I probably shouldn't eat any sugar for six months now. We probably weren't even drunk so much as we had an insane sugar buzz. I drank a gallon of water and brushed my teeth nine times when I got home, and my mouth STILL feels like I made out with Strawberry Shortcake for nine hours. Not that I'm complaining.

When I looked in the mirror this morning my eyes were bloodshot but the veins weren't red, they were bright pink, and when I farted it played the "Rainbow Brite" theme.

Girliest drinks ever.


P.S. As usual, I just read over this post to check for errors (the one error I always forget to correct is clicking "post") and this post doesn't make any sense. Sorry.

More thoughts about non-thought-worthy things

To the guy at Rififi who left his Polaroid camera out, thereby allowing Trevor and Zach and I to use up all of his film to take pictures of ourselves: Thank You.

To whomever or whatever it was that made Rififi smell like a cabbage made out of farts: No Thank You.

My supermarket has a very un-super cracker selection.

I would bet that most local pharmacies are like this, but I was at the drugstore today and I think I was the only customer that wasn't buying cigarettes and lottery tickets. I find it a little scary that those are the best-selling items at a drugstore. Maybe they use the smokes and lotto to lure people in to take advantage of their TWO-FOR-ONE VITAMIN SALE! That's why I was there! I now have more "Multi-Vitamins for Guys that don't like Vegetables or Cancer" pills than I'll ever need.

Paris Hilton screaming and crying while being driven back to the Slammer is one of the best things that's happened all year.

I have two cans of chili in my cupboard. I am perfectly capable of making my own chili (it's actually the best damned chili in America, thank you), but something intrigues me about the canned stuff. I think it's because when I was a kid, I watched the Dick Tracy movie with Warren Beatty all the time, and he eats chili out of a can in a few scenes. So maybe I'm just trying to be more like Dick Tracy. If that's the case, maybe I should just buy a yellow trenchcoat as opposed to eating chemical can-meat.

Ah, whatever. I've got those vitamins.

Hypnotic

My new goal in stand-up is to have every one of my performances look like THIS:

MUST...WRITE...SOMETHING...

I don't know. I feel like I really need, like have to, write right now, but I don't have anything really important to say, and I don't know why I have this insane urge to write. Maybe I just want to type. I like the sound it makes, and I do have a very comfortable keyboard, but if I just wanted to hear something cool and have my hands feel nice, why don't I just put on some Ween and pet the cat?

Should I type a joke? Should I complain about smells or cabbies? Should I share my chili recipe? What?

Or maybe I'm just feeling really insecure because I bought UNO for my Xbox 360 today. Yeah. That colored card game. No aliens or Nazis to shoot, no mind-bending graphics, just colored cards and disturbingly relaxing trumpet music. Playing that game is very calming and sedating, and what's even weirder is that I found people to play it with online! UNO!

Or maybe I want to type so bad because I need to move my fingers because I ate some Chef Boyardee today and all those crazy chemicals are making my fingers hyper!

Or maybe I should just let my fingers type on their own without my guidance and see if they type out some sort of message! Like a Ouija Board! Or a message from God! He would probably just tell me to quit talking about boobs so much though.

Or maybe I just need a real job.

Coming Soon...

Or maybe instead of calling it an "autobiography" I can go this route:



Or this:



Or maybe I'll just go with this:



What do you guys think?

Brooklyn is Currently on High Surf Alert

The weather man says it's raining so hard that we're currently on high surf alert. To celebrate, here are some High Surfers:







BE SAFE, EVERYONE!