Come see the Whitest Kids tonight! FREE!

Hey everybody! The Whitest Kids U' Know are performing at Pianos tonight for absolutely FREE! We're performing some new sketches, showing videos, and some of our comedian buddies will be there too!
Come on down and then let's all go play Hide N' Seek somewhere!

The Whitest Kids U' Know w/Eric Slovin, Josh Zepps and Nick Stevens
PIANOS (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton in the LES)
8pm
FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
TONIGHT

Yay!

What an awesome day!

I woke up in a great mood even though my power was off! Then the Whitest Kids went and did an interview with Sirius Satellite Radio! It was really fun! I got to say "fuck" on the air! Then Trevor and Sam and I each bought the Indiana Jones and Jurassic Park trilogies! Now we all own the best movies of all time! Then we went to eat lunch at The Hawaiian Tropic Zone Restauarant! It's this theme restaurant where the theme is "Girls Are Hot!" Every waitress is a babe in a bikini! It's like a strip club for people that think ogling and hitting on women is okay when they're wearing next to nothing as opposed to nothing! And then Trevor and Sam and I proved how much we respect women by not ogling or hitting on anybody! We're classy! Now we're gonna watch "Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade!" Then I'm gonna go compete in a Guitar Hero tournament! And probably lose!

Awesome day!

Wednesdays are awesome

Wednesdays are pretty awesome. It's the day of the week that new comics come out, my karaoke hangover is normally gone by then, and also "Lost" is on then. Also girls are just a little bit hotter on Wednesdays. I don't know why but it's true.

And here's one reason THIS Wednesday will be awesome!

The Whitest Kids U' Know have a show tomorrow night at Comix (14th St & 9th Ave)! We'll be doing some of our favorite live stuff and showing some NEVER BEFORE SEEN videos from the upcoming Fuse tv show! Also they'll be filming part of the show for some trailer they'll be showing at Clearview Cinemas all over the country! That's crazy! Anyways, come on out and after we'll drink cosmos or something! Yeah!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
COMIX (14th & 9th)
Wednesday, January 24th
8pm

Nope, it wasn't another amusing thought, it was just shameless self-promotion. Gotcha!

After that, come with me to the new Gallery bar on Orchard St. for my friends' party! DJs Shanthrax and DDrej are gonna tear it up. I'm sure they have some cool name for the party like "Dagnabbit!" or "Shucks!" but I don't know what it is, so let's just call it "Partytime 2007."

Cool. Thanks.

I don't know...

So as I'm walking up to my apartment just now, I held the door to my building open for a little old lady. I thought that maybe she lived inside but she actually just was looking for a doorway to pop her head into so she could light a cigarette. I still can't decide if that was a good deed I did or not.

Now that MySpace is in Australia or whatever, the "Favorites" link on their menu bar now says "Favourites." What happened to holding your ground and being FUCKING AMERICAN, MySpace? Huh?

Eddie Murphy has been nominated for an Oscar. Those tiny scampering and splashing sounds you hear are the rats jumping off the ship.

In general, my gut reaction to the Oscar nominations is just simply "NO."

In other words, I can't believe they didn't nominate "Happy Feet."

I'm doing standup TWICE tonight!

New York Comedy Club Open Mic
7pm
241 E 24th St (between 2nd &3rd)
I'm not sure of the cover or drink minimum, but this is a regular comedy club so there probably is one. If I can get five people at least to come, it'll make me look awesome and make Sean Murphy happy. It's an open mic, but you'll see myself and Sean perform so it's worth it. and then:

Beauty Bar Comedy Night
9:30pm
14th between 2nd and 3rd
This is my buddies Vince and Jesse's show at Beauty Bar. I did it last month and it's really fun! And FREE!

Way to respect the dead, CNN.

Read the top headline on their website.

In case they've changed it, it said "24 U.S. Toops Killed in One Day."

That's right.

Toops.

Children of DragonForce

Yeah that title doesn't really make much sense, I was just trying to sum up the things I'll be discussing here.

So I saw that movie "Children of Men" yesterday, and I have officially decided that I really like it. It had some of the most suspenseful chase kind of stuff I've seen in a movie for a while and was very creatively done, and there were boobs in one part. And lots of guns. That's pretty much all I need to like something, but that one really did it for me. And I like that pretty much the whole movie was gray but still looked nice.

Now to explain the other part of the title of this post: DRAGONFORCE IS COMING TO TOWN MARCH 1ST! For those that haven't experience me writing and/or talking about them incessantly, DragonForce is a sweet and ridiculous metal band with some of the best guitar solos you've ever heard in your life. I'm not a "metal head" really (well, maybe a little), but I enjoy the metal bands out there that enjoy themselves and like to sing about dragons and warrior blades and stuff but don't take it too seriously, because, c'mon...it's about dragons. Why take that seriously? But anyways, I saw them last May and their live show is NOT TO BE MISSED. There's lots of jumping (off of specially placed jumping platforms) and drinking and screaming and playing bitchin' guitar solos, and I've heard that they have since added hot girls (picked from the audience in each town) on trampolines! Basically, anyone that doesn't want to come see this with me is a pussy. It's that simple. So yeah, let's go see that.

Also, if you've never been to this website and have a job where you sit at a computer and can listen to music, or if you sit at home on the computer a lot, you need to go. You can create your own radio station and it will pick stuff that it thinks you might like. If you don't like it, you can punch it in the face.

I actually made that last part up, but I'm betting you'll be able to punch the internet in the face some day soon. It's the future!

Backwards Land

So now that I've spent a few weeks in my apartment, I've noticed a few weirdnesses about it. Many of them have to do with things being backwards. I'm scared.

To turn my oven off, you have to turn the knob to 375. Turning it to "OFF" makes it very very warm (probably about 375 degrees).

In my bathroom, cold water comes out of the "Hot" faucet and hot water comes out of "Cold."

My neighbor gets his mail in my mailbox, and I get mine from his.

The backyard is full of broken bicycles. That's not backwards or anything but it is really creepy.

But anyways, all those things and the fact that my floor is kind of slanted has led me to believe that my apartment was actually built by Doctor Seuss. It's the ONLY explanation that makes any sense.

Blue lines

I don't really have much to complain about anymore. I have an awesome job, lots of great friends and family, a cat with arguably the best pet name in the world, and a book about a tortoise and a hippo becoming best friends. I don't know why I constantly search out things to complain about. There's probably some phrase to expain why , something about lemons or green grass or cloud lining or Skeletor, but I can't remember it right now. Anyways, let's get to the point.

Every time I try to watch cable, there's these little blue lines all over the screen and it's really pissing me off. Only when I watch cable though! Not DVDs or Wiis or anything, just the cable! It's been bothering me for months. I got my cable hooked up at my new place today along with the internet, and AAAHH! Still the blue lines! I thought maybe they were staying in Sunset Park with my crock pot and crippling depression and everything else I'd forgotten there. I guess not (most of those things will eventually make their way to my new place as well).

Time Warner, being the incredibly helpful company they are, claim they've never seen it before and don't know what to do about it. The cable guy that was here today blamed it on closed captioning! What does that even mean?!? What a morally upstanding company this Time Warner is to BLAME THEIR PROBLEMS ON DEAF PEOPLE!!! Jesus.

Well, I don't watch TV that much anyways so it's not a big deal. In fact, the only reason I'm keeping it is to watch myself on TV come March 20 (11p.m. EST in FUSE, check your local listings [putting that in there was only halfway a joke]), so maybe the blue lines are a punishment for my rampant narcissism. But I've had 'em for six months! Golly!

Okay, I'm calming down now. I won't say "golly" again, sorry. I guess I should be happy that the blue lines are on my TV screen and not on my legs (must be tough, Grandma).

I think I really am gonna go buy LEGOs now.

Finally!

Well, my month of living in a cave is over. I now have the internet in my apartment! I know what's going on again!

So, Saddam died?!? That's crazy! And it's 2007 now!?!? Whoah.

So I've been thinking of buying LEGOs. Yeah, I know. That's a brand new level of dorkiness. I'm not really sure whether to embrace it or to seek professional help.

Well, there is a Toys 'R Us near the comic book store...

Back in the Internet Cafe

Yeah, I'm still a caveman, the Internet guys are supposed to come on Wednesday. Anyways, the brief L.A. trip was ridiculous! I saw Queen Latifah! And "Hurley" from "Lost" (sorry I don't know your real name dude)! And many more mildly exciting celebrities! We had a fun show at the UCB-LA, and that night Trevor and Sam and I raided our minibars and got really really drunk. We found ourselves standing on a bridge (this hotel was so nice it had a bridge) and considered jumping into the pool, but I knew we were really wasted when we started discussing making Star Wars Episode 8, only as a computer, not a movie (and yes, we know there's no episode 7; the plan was to make that computer later, just like George Lucas did). I don't really know what that means. I'm sorry. They had free Glenlivet.

Oh, and fellow Whitest Kid Zach twisted or sprained or somehow otherwise fucked up his ankle and had to limp through our show. We haven't had an injury-free show in a while; two years ago, I was getting cuts and bruises quite often, but now the other guys seem to be getting the brunt of the punishment.

One last boring L.A. story. We had to rent a car to get around since that damn city has never heard of "public transportation," and we had one of those talking GPS computers. We named it Chewie. The last night we were there, I was the designated driver, but this GPS thing was acting totally drunk! It used little arrows on a screen to point me in the right direction, but once the arrow was a circle! And another time it folded back onto itself! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!? You have failed us Chewie.

Lastly, I tasted the best hamburger in the world yesterday. I got it from...ME. Apparently, I can make a really sweet burger. That now makes two delicious meaty dishes I can make very well (the other one's chili).

Maybe Chewie could help me find some more things I can cook, because she (the voice was female) is shit with directions.

Hi there, I'm in L.A.!

So I still don't have the internet at my apartment, but right now I'm at the Ritz hotel in LA for two days, so internet, ho! Y'know, I'm in this hotel being pampered; free wine and great food, massages, an amazing view, and the guy that played "#2" in "Austin Powers" is here, but it really makes me think of all the people with nothing in the world who are starving, have no place to sleep, whose governments are murdering them...wait a second, my shrimp cocktail is here.

What was I saying? Hmm...nope, not coming to me. This is good shrimp though.

I'm getting the internet at my house soon...

I swear. Then I'll be able to put up blogs all the time again. Here's what I've been up to lately:

Eating lots of eggs and nachos. Not together, silly. That's gross.

I tried to order a taco from a place yesterday. I asked for "one #22" and instead they gave me a "#122," which apparently is a bunch of pieces of steak thrown on top of a bunch of french fries. I'm not eating that.

I slept near a model yesterday. That's the best I've done in a while.

Scotch doesn't do anything to me anymore. I seem to have built up an immunity.

I have a surgery game for the Nintendo Wii. Asking for that game for Christmas has so far been the single best decision I've ever made in my life (moving to NYC a distant second).

I think I'm gonna be doing some crazy open mic stand-up stuff this week. I want to keep doing standup and I haven't done any kind of performance that doesn't involve me singing terrible hair metal in a few weeks and I feel the urge. I'll be sure to let all you rabid fans know.