What I did last night

So I was walking home last night after karaoke and as I passed a dark, foreboding alley here in Greenpoint a spark caught my eye. You don't really see a lot of sparks in this part of Brooklyn so I entered the alley to investigate. Sparks continued to emerge from the back of the alley as I approached and they were soon accompanied by the clashing of metal on metal.

The fear creeping from the pit of my stomach to the back of my throat was the strongest terror I've felt in years and was rivalled only by my raging curiosity. I finally gave in to the latter and crept towards the sparks even closer, finding a tipped-over garbage can to hide behind. I could now finally see the cause of these strange sights and sounds: two figures, engaged in battle! Though they were still in silhouette, I could see the loose ends of a bandana dangling from the shorter of the two's head, and in his hand was a sword. The slightly taller figure had what appeared to be claws emerging from his hands. Was Wolverine fighting a ninja?

I was half right. As blade met claw once again, the errant sparks illuminated the two combatants just briefly enough for me to recognize them.

It had finally happened.

Shredder was fighting Leonardo, right in my own neighborhood.

I had been skeptical of the existence of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for years but had always maintained a childlike glimmer of hope. I found myself being overcome once again with that youthful wonder as a scene I had imagined so many times realized itself right in front of me.

I was so distracted by this childish glee that I didn't feel the velociraptor's claw around my neck until it was too late. I was lifted off my feet by the prehistoric hunter as its tooth-filled maw stretched wide, eager to devour me whole. Obviously, the prehistoric killer was somehow involved in Shredder's sinister machinations.

I began to pray to my god (it's Zeus, by the way) in preparation for death when yet another odd sound pierced the night.

It was a sound I had heard replicated many times in the movies, but nothing can really prepare you for the raw intensity and fury of hearing the crack of a whip in person.

Indiana Jones had come to my rescue.

I had never imagined that Dr. Jones and the Turtles would ever team up, but it seemed they had done just that, which was fortunate for me. Indiana's whip lashed the 'raptor across the eyes, causing the monster to shriek in pain (which, incidentally, sounded exactly as it did in "Jurassic Park") and drop me to the ground. I quickly crawled behind the brave archaeologist as he knocked the dinosaur unconscious with a quick rabbit-punch to the face. Indiana Jones had just punched a raptor in the face.

I had been so distracted by Indiana Jones fighting a dinosaur that I had forgotten about Leonardo fighting the Shredder not ten feet away. I turned around to see "Leo" casually tying a net around the fallen crimelord. Although I was glad to be alive, I was sad to have missed what I'm sure was an exemplary display of Turtle Power.

Having saved the day, Leonardo and Dr. Jones suggested that we have a drink, so we went to the Mark Bar which is a bar in Greenpoint that pretty much never closes. We imbibed shot after shot of whiskey until we noticed April O'Neill, Princess Leia, and Batgirl sitting at the other end of the bar. We took them back to my place and had our way with them, and I was really really good.

When I woke up the next morning, Indiana Jones and Leonardo and April O'Neill and Princess Leia and Batgirl were gone, leaving no trace of my having met them (or, in the ladies' cases, doing them real good). I had no evidence that this amazing evening had even really happened.

It totally did though.

Screw the Oscars, watch the Whitest Kids! FREE!

Hey everybody,

The Oscars are soooo 2006. Why spend four hours watching “The Departed” not win when you could come out and see the Whitest Kids for FREE?!? Tonight we’ll be showing BRAND NEW VIDEOS and live sketches! So TiVo the Oscars and come check it out!

The Whitest Kids U’ Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Stanton and Ludlow)
FREE
8pm

with Baron Vaughn and Soce the Elemental Wizard
hosted by Andrew Wright

NNNNEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Okay, so we all know I like comic books, etc. I recently got really into them over the summer and I love reading them and talking about them, etc. It was always kind of a closet thing though for a long time, and then this fall I decided, "Fuck it! It's who I am!" and started admitting it publily, because really, there's no need to be ashamed, right? Right?

This weekend, the shame came back.

I went to New York Comic Con.

Now, I did have a lot of fun there. I saw a lot of creators that I admire, including STAN LEE, the guy who created Spider-Man, the X-Men, the Hulk, and a whole bunch of other reasons that I didn't get laid in high school. Here's a shitty picture of him:



And then of course, there were the Dumpy X-Men. The Dumpy X-Men are a little-known offshoot from the 70s. There was this one story in Uncanny X-Men where the X-Men got trapped in the Dumpiverse and...

...never mind, it's not worth it to make up a story. I'll just show the picture of the kids in their dumpy X-Men outfits.



And of course, there were Star Wars costumes EVERYWHERE:



I'm not sure what the purple Boba Fett guy is all about. I actually tried not to include him in the photo but he kept inching in anyways.

There were also all these kids with those cool toy lightsabers that just came out, the ones that are hard plastic and and actually light up and make noise when you hit them together. They were having a choreography contest, which probably would have been the most stomach-churningly nerdy thing EVER to watch, but at the time I was watching the Editor-In-Chief of Marvel Comics talk about the Hulk. Not nerdy at all.

I think the most shamefully nerdy moment of the whole weekend came when I found myself pushing through a small crowd to get my collection of comics ABOUT TALKING MICE WITH SWORDS signed by the creator. I'm ridiculous.

Also, Gary Coleman was there for no discernible reason.

Tremors is awesome.

That's really all this posting is about. When I was travelling around the country last fall, I bought a lot of movies, most of them at 3 a.m., drunk out of my mind, from a "3 for $10" bin at some gas station. I found some gems out there in the rural filling/assrape stations of America. One such find was "Tremors." That's that movie where a bunch of hicks fight some huge monster worms in the middle of nowhere. It's basically the closest we'll ever get to seeing "Cowboys Versus Dinosaurs: The Movie." I've never really been big into monster movies, but I've seen enough to know that "Tremors" is a good one. Most movies like this have some bullshit explanation behind the monster, given by some "expert" who just happens to be in the town being attacked by a creature from said expert's field of expertise (e.g. Willie Wonka being present when a huge sentient Gobstopper attacks a village in Prussia [actually, I would watch that movie]). The only movie where that experts thing really works is "Jurassic Park," because everyone's an expert of some sort and they all have something to contribute; there's not just one dude that knows everything and then everyone else is just fodder.

But in "Tremors," you just have one scene where Kevin Bacon and company give their silly redneck theories about how the monsters came to be. For like thirty seconds. Then they get attacked by more big worms. That's it for the rest of the movie: just people fighting big worms. And some of these people are the dad from "Family Ties" and Reba McEntire (both playing probably the best roles of their careers). Even though it was only 17 years ago, one can already safely say "they don't make 'em like 'Tremors' anymore." Movies now overcomplicate themselves for fear of boring this ADD/TiVo/YouTube/Neon-addled short-attention span freakshow of a moviegoing audience we have today. There's too many subplots and crap.

Take a note from "Tremors," Hollywood: just give Kevin Bacon some tight jeans and let him fight a big ol' worm for ninety minutes*. It'll be good. Trust me.

I can't believe I just sat at my desk at 4 A.M. for like half an hour to write a reivew of a Kevin Bacon movie that came out when I was nine.

Three signs that I need something to do:

1. Today I ate canned Chef Boyardee Ravioli out of a dirty bowl.

2. And I made bids on Star Wars LEGOs on Ebay.

3. And I posted way too many blogs today about way too many nothing at all.

By the way...

Three days ago I predicted that Britney Spears will be dead by this time next year. After keeping a close eye on her story these last few days, I would like to amend my prediction to the following:

Britney Spears will be dead by this time IN MARCH.

Thank you.

What I've been up to today

- Spending almost as much time considering picking up a real book as I have reading comics. I think it may be time to start reading books without picture of guys in capes in them again. Maybe.

- Searching Ebay for things like "Star Wars Diaphragm" and "weird pants." Both searches proved to be fruitless.

- Writing what may be my favorite Whitest Kids sketch ever today at Trevor's house. I think we may have outdone ourselves in dumbness. I'm really excited. Anyone who misses this week's show (Sunday, Pianos, 8, free) is a goddamn fool. Fuck the Oscars.

- Eating food from Acapulco Deli. This is a great little place in Greenpoint that serves pretty delicious Mexican and American food at a very delicious price. I'm pretty sure that Trevor (who lives three blocks away from me) and I keep their delivery service in business by ourselves. Yesterday I discovered that the restaurant is literally two blocks away from me, but I still order delivery anyways because those guys look so adorable on their bikes (hence the gut)!

- Wanting to smoke really bad but not smoking. It's been a week. I wish I had something funny to say about this but it's hard to write without smoking (maybe I should have thought this "quitting" thing through more).

- Trying to figure out what exactly my cat is looking at.

No Pants Week '07

So this week finds me "between projects." The Whitest Kids have been really busy lately, and this week is going to be a little more easygoing. That's why I have decided not to put on a pair of pants all week. Sure, I'll need to wear them sometimes; for instance, I just got food delivered, so I put on some jeans. The guy's riding his bike through the blistering cold to bring me my stuffed shells. He doesn't need to see my thighs. But now that he's gone, I'm taking them off. I'm still going to do stuff, it just that "do stuff" doesn't include "wear pants" this week. It's going to be great.

So far all I've done is read an article on CNN about Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

Thoughts while walking home at 3:32 A.M.

And I thought I was done peeing on subway platforms!

My iPod Shuffle LOVES Stevie Wonder.

I should patch up these jeans.

Britney Spears will be dead by this time next year.

I'm a lucky son of a bitch.

I need to spend more time with my Wii.

The only function that the rug in my kitchen has served so far is as another place where Spaceship can hide kills.

Shandi and I should become the new lead singers of System of a Down (mainly because we destroyed one of their songs at karaoke tonight, but also because we're not as annoyingly political and are less unkempt-looking).

This walk home is taking FOREVER! I've already had eight thoughts!

If I were a bum, I would use all my spare change at a 99-cent store and get a bunch of those shitty hats and gloves.

Whitest Kids Tonight!

Hey there! The Whitest Kids U' Know are doing a show at Pianos tonight and we would really love for you to come. We miss you. We'll be doing some sketches, showing video, and spreading our message of love! Come on down!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
with Greg Johnson and Dan Newbower
hosted by Brett Gelman
PIANOS (158 Ludlow, corner of Stanton and Ludlow)
8pm
FREE

Three things on the ground.

THING #1

I normally don't look at the sidewalk very often when I'm out walking around. There's too many other things to see, like boobs, or puppies. All this changed last night, though, as I was walking around Union Square, listening to Styx and basically enjoying my evening, when I caught a guy in my peripheral vision that appeared to be saying something to me. I wrote him off as a crazy bum (an important skill to master here) and continued my Styx Journey (which is probably much better than a Journey Journey). About half a block later, this same guy stopped me in my tracks by jumping right in front of me. I figured that he had now earned my attention, be him crazy bum or not, so I turned off my iPod shuffle (which I was 100% sure was about to be stolen) and asked him "what's up?"

"You have to respect me (not true)."

"Excuse me?"

"You have to watch where you goin' man."

"Oh, sorry."

"You hafta watch where you goin'."

"Sorry."

"I said you hafta watch where you goin'."

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"Respect me."

"Okay!"

"You stepped on two glass vials back there that belonged to me."

"Sorry."

I walked away after that.

Okay, so my bad; he wasn't a crazy bum. He was a crazy CRACKHEAD, and of course, being a crackhead, he figures that it is not his fault that he stored his crack in a place where it could be easily tread upon (the sidewalk), but rather my fault for not seeing his poorly-placed vials of illegal narcotics while walking, quite legally I might add, in the designated walking area (the sidewalk). Fuck that guy. After he left I wanted to find a cop and get this asshole arrested but then I remembered two things:

A. Putting that guy in jail wouldn't help a goddamn thing.

B. Styx has been on pause this whole time!

THING #2

Today I was walking home and I saw a half-finished cigarette laying there on the sidewalk, still smoking. I looked around for the smoker, figuring they would probably be close by given the recently-dropped-ness of the cigarette, but there was no one else around at all; no doors closing, no cars just starting, nothing. Creepy. Maybe I have a tail (not like a cute little boney thing covered in fur, but like a spy following me around; actually, I do have a cute boney thing, but it's not covered in fur [or little, motherfucker]).

THING #3

After the crackhead incident last night I was on my way to Pianos and I saw a guy across the street salting the sidewalk. Now, it's been cold here for a while, but we have only gotten about .00000003 inches of snow this whole winter, and we hadn't had a flake in days, so I had no idea what this guy was up to. I stopped thinking about it, went home, ate half a sandwich, went to bed, woke up, did things, and then it was snowing! That guy knew the whole time!

Good job sir. You probably had the driest sidewalk this side of the Mississip.

You're probably saying to yourself "why the amazement, Timmy? The dude probably just checked the weather forecast or something." I'll have you know that I don't believe in weather forecasts because I don't believe that there are certain individuals out there with magic weather-predicting abilities. Or at least I didn't used to. Now I'm not so sure.

I AM SOOOO SORRY

My computer hadn't been letting me access my Blogger account! I figured it out now though! I was updating my MySpace blog though, so you can check there, or to more easily find out what has been going on with in the past 10 days, just do a Google News search for the words "Whitest Kids Bud Light." Trust me.

What the fuck, Greenpoint?

Greenpoint, what the fuck?!?
Where's the pizza at? The one place I found that would deliver last night was TERRIBLE. I think they actually just put tomato paste on a big cardboard circle and then waited for an hour after I ordered it and then brought it to my house. What the shit?

So now I'm hungry again, but I'm not gonna eat the cardboard TRAVESTY leftovers. Oh no. I think I'll walk down to the place that makes like 100 different kinds of sandwiches. One of them is Tuna and Apples. I don't even know if tuna and apples have ever met before but I might try that sandwich anyways.

Last night I stayed in due to the drunkenness I accumulated the night before. I watched "Jurassic Park 2" and part 3! They're not THAT great, but, really, any movie with dinosaurs in it is gonna be pretty good. The movie can still be filled with ridiculous bullshit (JP2), but as long as it has dinosaurs, it's still better than most movies. Here are some examples of the movies that "Jurassic Park 2" is better than:

"Citizen Kane"
"Star Wars"
"The Godfather"

Yeah, it's better than all of those, and for the same reason: DINOSAURS.

This blog just reached a new level of retardery. Time for an Apple-Tuna Surprise-wich (I wish that's what they were actually called).

NOTE: Sometimes I write blogs on my MySpace and don't include them on here. You may wanna check my MySpace blog every once in a while to make sure you're getting ALL the action, but then again, none of it is very good, so don't worry about it.