So I was walking home last night after karaoke and as I passed a dark, foreboding alley here in Greenpoint a spark caught my eye. You don't really see a lot of sparks in this part of Brooklyn so I entered the alley to investigate. Sparks continued to emerge from the back of the alley as I approached and they were soon accompanied by the clashing of metal on metal.
The fear creeping from the pit of my stomach to the back of my throat was the strongest terror I've felt in years and was rivalled only by my raging curiosity. I finally gave in to the latter and crept towards the sparks even closer, finding a tipped-over garbage can to hide behind. I could now finally see the cause of these strange sights and sounds: two figures, engaged in battle! Though they were still in silhouette, I could see the loose ends of a bandana dangling from the shorter of the two's head, and in his hand was a sword. The slightly taller figure had what appeared to be claws emerging from his hands. Was Wolverine fighting a ninja?
I was half right. As blade met claw once again, the errant sparks illuminated the two combatants just briefly enough for me to recognize them.
It had finally happened.
Shredder was fighting Leonardo, right in my own neighborhood.
I had been skeptical of the existence of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for years but had always maintained a childlike glimmer of hope. I found myself being overcome once again with that youthful wonder as a scene I had imagined so many times realized itself right in front of me.
I was so distracted by this childish glee that I didn't feel the velociraptor's claw around my neck until it was too late. I was lifted off my feet by the prehistoric hunter as its tooth-filled maw stretched wide, eager to devour me whole. Obviously, the prehistoric killer was somehow involved in Shredder's sinister machinations.
I began to pray to my god (it's Zeus, by the way) in preparation for death when yet another odd sound pierced the night.
It was a sound I had heard replicated many times in the movies, but nothing can really prepare you for the raw intensity and fury of hearing the crack of a whip in person.
Indiana Jones had come to my rescue.
I had never imagined that Dr. Jones and the Turtles would ever team up, but it seemed they had done just that, which was fortunate for me. Indiana's whip lashed the 'raptor across the eyes, causing the monster to shriek in pain (which, incidentally, sounded exactly as it did in "Jurassic Park") and drop me to the ground. I quickly crawled behind the brave archaeologist as he knocked the dinosaur unconscious with a quick rabbit-punch to the face. Indiana Jones had just punched a raptor in the face.
I had been so distracted by Indiana Jones fighting a dinosaur that I had forgotten about Leonardo fighting the Shredder not ten feet away. I turned around to see "Leo" casually tying a net around the fallen crimelord. Although I was glad to be alive, I was sad to have missed what I'm sure was an exemplary display of Turtle Power.
Having saved the day, Leonardo and Dr. Jones suggested that we have a drink, so we went to the Mark Bar which is a bar in Greenpoint that pretty much never closes. We imbibed shot after shot of whiskey until we noticed April O'Neill, Princess Leia, and Batgirl sitting at the other end of the bar. We took them back to my place and had our way with them, and I was really really good.
When I woke up the next morning, Indiana Jones and Leonardo and April O'Neill and Princess Leia and Batgirl were gone, leaving no trace of my having met them (or, in the ladies' cases, doing them real good). I had no evidence that this amazing evening had even really happened.
It totally did though.