Constantly Wearing Make-up: Week 1

Well, I've been wearing make-up pretty much every day for an entire week now. It's really not that bad. I am now considering wearing blush, lipstick and the like on a daily basis. It makes me look cool, and by "cool," I mean "my face collects sweat under the foundation and the sweat seeps into my brain making even me more retarded." So yeah, make-up is a bitch.

The dresses I've been wearing though? Very nice. I totally understand dresses now. Ventilates the crotch region.

Maybe I have a future as one of those straight cross-dressers. You know, a guy who likes girls but also likes looking like girls? And it would be fine, because then I could have "casual days" where I can still wear my t-shirts with cute animals on them.

Come to think of it, maybe I've just been a "casual day transvestite" for 25 years and never really realized it. Hmmmm...

I'm pretty sure that I've been losing weight, but just in case I ever become morbidly obese...

...this is pretty reassuring.

This is What I Look Like When I Sing Karaoke

If you listen very closely, you can almost hear my parents being disappointed.

The Last Stand of Not Eating Doughnuts

I saw "X-Men: The Last Stand" last night. Say what you will about that movie, but you cannot deny that it stars Hugh Jackman as "Wolverine."

Also I like those little doughnuts with the weird brown coconut stuff on them.

I'm going to eat at a place called "Blockheads" later tonight. I've been told the food is good there, but being that the immediate image that the name brings about is that of a carny hammering a nail into his nose, I'll have to just have to wait and see.

Lastly, I am looking to travel overseas by myself this August. I want to go to Havana. Does anyone know any good smugglers?

"Outdoorpool.com" is not a website yet

Someone should get on that.

I tried to come up with a title that didn't reference the fact that I don't write on here very much but I couldn't think of anything else

So I spent half of April out of state. I was in Los Angeles, and then I went to Cape Cod.

Cape Cod: Calm, quiet, relaxing, beautiful, and Sam's mom is an awesome cook.

Los Angeles: Hell with cars.

And I'm also back in an office now! Only now it's not boring! And instead of telling people what to do, I get to write poop jokes!!!

Also, fellow Whitest Kids Sam and Darren want me to add some comments on their behalf (behalves?):

Sam: "Write that you realized recently that I'm your best friend, but not that you're mine, just that I'm yours."

Darren: "Tell them (he must think that people read this) about how when we played putt-putt this weekend, you were ahead the whole game but then I came from behind and won right at the end."

I guess I always could go back to telling people what to do...

I totally fell off the face of the planet there

I've been busy, and when I haven't been busy, I've been really lazy. Oh well. Right now I'm in Los Angeles watching dickheads drive convertibles (there's a lot of them). Now I have to go to a meeting. I'll write more later (May 27th, 2007).

New Ideas

I'm trying to think of different ways to make this blog more interesting. I think what I might do is try to write an entry while throwing up. I don't think anyone's ever done that before. There's a few logistic items to think about, like covering my keyboard in plastic and deciding how to induce the vomit (I think I'll use either cheap vodka or nude images of Donald Rumsfeld), but I think it's totally possible. Also, I should probably write it at my apartment and not at my office.

And for all you people stuck in office jobs out there, let me inform you that there is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING worse than the last two weeks of work after you give your two weeks notice resignation. Nothing.

It's kind of like coming home to a really super hot, naked, illiterate, mute lady standing in your room, but she's surrounded by an invisible force field, and you have a potion to get rid of the force field, but after you pour it on the force field cage it takes two weeks to dissolve.


It's kind of like that.






It really sucks.

On week of work left!

I am leaving my horrible office job in a week to pursue other ventures.

In my few remaining work days, I am going to test my company's internet monitoring system by looking at lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of naked lady pictures.

Also I will come here in a ninja suit on my last day.

Why is it...

...that when a blind man asks someone for directions on the subway, they speak very slowly and loudly when giving their answer?

"Inside Man"

So I'm about to go to a free screening of this movie "Inside Man." It's a new movie by Spike Lee. He's that guy who really hates white people but still wants them to go see his movies. This one is about a bank heist which is pretty unusual for Mr. Lee. It looks like it doesn't cover any of his normal topics, like race, social injustice, or anything "controversial." It looks like a normal bank robber movie. Some people are wondering why he would make a movie so far away from his normal style, and not discuss any of these topics he normally LOVES to whine about to no end.

I know why.

This movie looks like it will probably make a good amount of money; it has Jodie Foster and Denzel Washington in it, and looks like a competent thriller. It almost looks like he's making it JUST to make money. But why would someone as successful as Spike Lee, who's always made movies his way, want to make some "sell-out" movie?

Well, after this, he plans to make a documentary accusing President Bush of blowing up the levees in New Orleans to murder black people. Yes. That's right. He plans to make a documentary accusing President Bush of blowing up the levees in New Orleans to murder black people. Now, like a lot of people, I'm not really "down" with President Bush, but that's pretty much the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

So anyways, Spike Lee made this bank heist movie so that he has money to move to Canada with after he releases this crazy documentary and Bush arranges for him to have a little "accident."

So that's my theory. It will be entertaining to watch this movie with that in mind. Also, it's showing at some sort of French embassy and there's free wine. Maybe he's trying to liquor me up and then convince me that white people also invented lions because they kill black people too. I don't know.

I'm almost a caveman

My house is 3 burnt-out bulbs away from becoming a cave. That's 3 out of 8. The other 5 have all burnt out within the last week. As has anything powered by AA batteries. What's going on around here? Is electricity not "cool" anymore? Or is it the Apocalypse? Will I get a cool car like mad Max? If that's the case, I'm gonna need to find someone to drive it for me, because I totally don't remember how to do that.

I just accidentally burned off my fingerprints...

...so let the killing spree begin!


(No, I'm not gonna kill the kitten, I just like that picture)

I'm back from Aspen

So I just got back from the Aspen Comedy Festival. It was really really fun, but I'm glad to be back in my horrible office and away from all that free food and constant pampering. Some things I enjoyed from the Festival:

-Shaking Robert Wuhl's hand (shake was firmer than expected)

-This dude who walked around Aspen all the time with his well-trained, well-groomed Pomeranian. It was a very nice dog but the dude was kind of a pompous jackass. If he didn't have that dog he would just be another guy that bleaches his goatee and wants to be a pro wrestler. Also, the dog's butt-hole looked suspiciously loose. Like "some guy who probably drinks Mountain Dew a lot had his fist in there recently" loose.

-Free food and drinks

-Chelsea Peretti constantly flaunting her "complimentary fruit and wine basket" that she found in her hotel room upon her arrival (I was staying at the same place and didn't get one)

-Pooping in her jacuzzi for revenge

-Finding out the next day that the fruit basket came from her mother, not the hotel

-Not feeling bad about the poop thing after that revelation

-Getting thrown offstage during a fight scene in one of our sketches while Trevor attempted to break Bob Power's ribs with a body slam (didn't work, Mr. Powers is saltier than expected)

-Water

-Watching the Absurdist/Dadaist political commentary "Aeon Flux" on the flight home

Timmy's Childhood Hero: Dead at 44

He was my FAVORITE. This sucks.

A few random thoughts

I have been TERRIBLE at updating this lately, and I apologize to my three known readers. Anyways...

Today is Labour Day in Australia. Maybe they can spend their time off by taking the "u" out of all of the words in their language that have one for no reason (let's start with "favour" and "colour").

Also, I am thinking of setting up a webcam at work so that people can watch me stare blankly at my Page-a-Day Dilbert calendar and half-assedly answer my underlings' questions. It should be good.

And yes, I AM from South Dakota, and no, I DON'T hate women. I personally think that my state's outlawing of abortion, even for victims of incest, is part of a larger plot to take over the world with an army of inbred superhuman mutants and tough unwanted loners, and the bitter winters and ignorant intolerance there will only serve to make them more ruthless. I know it's a crazy theory, but it's no crazier than the one that women should have no control over their bodies and futures, even if they get raped.

Lastly, I fly out to Aspen, Colorado tomorrow for the HBO Comedy Festival. We're performing a couple of shows there, and it should be a blast. Goldie Hawn is getting a Lifetime Achievement Award at the festival, which means that I may finally have a chance to knock back some drinks with this man:

Wow. Jack Burton, Snake Plissken, AND Captain Ron. Bravo, sir.

I hope he likes Wild Turkey.

I'm not dead

But some people think I am.

It's kind of weird.

I just farted.

Dragon Music

Like most people, I like lots of different kinds of music, but am known for leaning more towards the ridiculous and silly rather than what is traditionally considered "good."

The stuff I've been most into the last couple of years though is this whole trend in Europe where groups of long-haired, musically proficient nerds form bands whose songs focus entirely and SINCERELY on things like orcs and dragons. I don't know why I love it so much. Maybe it's the ridiculous guitar solos or maybe it's the "Dungeons & Dragons" album covers, or maybe I'm sick of all this timid, restrained bullshit that passes for "rock and roll" here in America. In any case, I love me some dragon rock.

I heard this band mentioned somewhere before but finally listened to these guys today. Some of it makes me laugh, some of it I actually like, but the fact that music like this is being made somewhere brings me great joy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dragon Force.

If you like that OR couldn't believe it is real, try out Rhapsody. I don't know THAT much about this "movement," but they seem to have influenced these other bands and all this craziness. And their guitarist called their new album "exceptionally magical."

Real Names Part 2

It's pretty self-explanatory, but I actually did explain where these names come from here.

Without further adieu, here's some more real names:

Rod Pfister
Dick Beard
Rose Bozo
Emily Hardon
Jack Ratoff

NOTHING is going on at work today

Want to help me figure out a new password for my computer at work?

Here are some ideas:

armpitfucker9000

diedanzadie

8======D

touchdaddy

sausagehootenanny

boobsstarwarspizza

heytechguysthatcanseemypassworditouchlittlekidsinappropriately