Dragon Music

Like most people, I like lots of different kinds of music, but am known for leaning more towards the ridiculous and silly rather than what is traditionally considered "good."

The stuff I've been most into the last couple of years though is this whole trend in Europe where groups of long-haired, musically proficient nerds form bands whose songs focus entirely and SINCERELY on things like orcs and dragons. I don't know why I love it so much. Maybe it's the ridiculous guitar solos or maybe it's the "Dungeons & Dragons" album covers, or maybe I'm sick of all this timid, restrained bullshit that passes for "rock and roll" here in America. In any case, I love me some dragon rock.

I heard this band mentioned somewhere before but finally listened to these guys today. Some of it makes me laugh, some of it I actually like, but the fact that music like this is being made somewhere brings me great joy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dragon Force.

If you like that OR couldn't believe it is real, try out Rhapsody. I don't know THAT much about this "movement," but they seem to have influenced these other bands and all this craziness. And their guitarist called their new album "exceptionally magical."

Real Names Part 2

It's pretty self-explanatory, but I actually did explain where these names come from here.

Without further adieu, here's some more real names:

Rod Pfister
Dick Beard
Rose Bozo
Emily Hardon
Jack Ratoff

NOTHING is going on at work today

Want to help me figure out a new password for my computer at work?

Here are some ideas:

armpitfucker9000

diedanzadie

8======D

touchdaddy

sausagehootenanny

boobsstarwarspizza

heytechguysthatcanseemypassworditouchlittlekidsinappropriately

Hi there!

I have been sick and broke lately so I haven't posted much. I'm eating Saltine crackers right now (because I'm sick, but also because I don't have any money to buy real snacks with).

This morning...

I woke up at like 8:00am and, for several minutes, thought it was the year 2009 (and I had a huge boner). I'm not sure how or why that happened, but I was disappointed to remember that it was still three years away. But from the few minutes I spent there, it looks like 2009 is gonna be AWESOME. And yes, that opinion is based solely off the boner.

My Roommate Hans Created the Best Eupemism for Having Sex that I've Heard in a Long Time

"You should just give her the Curvy Interview."

He then elaborated:

"Give her the Curvy Interview in her Tight Resume."

And then he pulled some wine coolers out of a paper sack.

THIS drink was also present. It's a new energy beer drink and it tastes like cherry vanilla, and if you're already drunk, the label looks like it says "Liquid Courage." Move over Sparks.

Don't Mez With the Vice Prez!

Another sign of the Apocalypse (albeit one that's sort of cute)

(click the image to make it bigger, and once again thank you to Cute Overload for the picture)

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! REAL MONSTERS!*

So everyone has been laughing lately about how President Bush warned of the danger of "human-animal hybrids" in his Big Speech. And yeah, he's a goofball, and normally doesn't know what he's talking about, and I think he's kind of dumb.

BUT.

I think the dude might be right this time.

No, I don't think there's that kind of stuff going on here in America, beacuse these colors don't run.** But elsewhere there might be. Think about it.

The world loves to have a villain. We like having a bad guy to get pissed off at and we like to focus our frustrations on more deserving douchebags than ourselves. Right now those douchebags are terrorists and/or all those Capitol Hill fellows who got in trouble because they like trading legislature for giant boats.

BUT just because we're focusing on those bad guys right now doesn't mean that mad scientists and evil Counts just up and disappeared.

Stay with me.

Whenever you hear about genetics, it's always someone in the United Kingdom, America, or Eastern Asia cloning something. You never hear about what other countries are doing with genetics, and you don't hear about other kinds of experiments. Because they don't want you to. There's gotta be other scientists in other countries doing other kinds of experiments besides making sheep and puppies (I thought sheep and dogs kind of had that figured out anyways). I mean, everyone has daydreamed about how awesome a world of animal men would be, right? I bet someone somewhere with the brains and gumption to actually DO IT thought about that too, and I would bet my life that there's some crazy frog or dog or goat-man in a cage somewhere 1000 feet below Prague.

Okay, I'm kind of rambling here. I guess all I'm trying to say is

THERE ARE CASTLES IN EASTERN EUROPE FULL OF MONSTER MEN!!! WE MUST SEND AN ELITE TEAM OF MARINES (PREFERABLY FORMER MILITARY CONVICTS) IN THERE WITH THE MOST HIGH-TECH WEAPONRY AVAILABLE (BIG GUNS) AND STOP THEM!!! AND THERE SHOULD BE A REALLY AWESOME FIGHT RIGHT BEFORE THEY COMPLETE THEIR MISSION!!! AND ONE OF THE MONSTERS SHOULD BE VIN DIESEL!!!

Thank you.

*GREAT Sega Genesis game, by the way.
**to a lab to make hideous genetic monsters.

Happy Belated Birthday, Mr. Lincoln!

(Thanks to Cute Overload for the picture)

26 inches of snow!

Holy crap, that's a lot!

Let me be the first to call "Not it!" on Frozen Hobo Clean Up.

Yesterday

I walked by the deli that has a sign that says "Dely" on it's windows, and the owner was outside opening it up. I didn't mention it. He looked pissed already; I didn't want to add to that by revealing to him his inability to spell.

You ever hear someone use the expression "got hit by a Mack truck?" Here's a few examples:

"When the jury turned in a guilty verdict, Scott Peterson looked like he got hit by a Mack truck."

"I drank Drain-O last night and this morning I felt like I got hit by a Mack truck."

I don't know. Maybe it's just my mom that says it. Anyways, I always wondered why it was a Mack truck. Why not Ford? Or Honda? Well, I saw a Mack truck yesterday and I figured out why: Mack trucks are fucking HUGE.

There was a couple in the bank making out while they were in line to make a withdrawal. They were probably married or something, but I prefer to think that he was the world's smoothest kidnapper. Good job, guy.

I noticed that a lot of people go to Burger King just to drink coffee. Why? Is it especially good there? Or do they just like buying their coffee at a place that also makes chicken fries?

On the walk home from the bank, I was thinking about the previous day (Thursday), and I couldn't remember what I did before I went to bed that night. I was up til 4am. I had to be doing something...what was it?

What was it?

Oh, no.

Oh GOD.

That's right.

I was watching "The Rock."

And lastly, I would just like to mention that, for the first time in many years, I was at a party with people wearing huge raver pants last night.

I'm awesome.

The News is Pretty Awesome Today

I'm checking the news online before work and the first few headlines I see are:

"Kiss of life saves Boo Boo the chicken"

"Britney defends driving with baby on lap"

"Bush urges end to cartoon violence"

"Pregnant princess starts Japan's gender debate"

"Too big to hang, killer dies in prison"

Good job news, your headlines make me laugh. I didn't actually read any of those articles, but is that really the point? Reading? I don't think so.

Why does my bookbag feel so heavy?

There's really not that much stuff in there. Well, those headphones are kind of big I guess.

They're not heavy though.

Just big.

And this is a lightweight umbrella. It says "lightweight" right on it.

I have two books in there (NERD) but they're both small paperbacks. They're small, but very deep and very hard to read (ASSHOLE).

Maybe that sweater in there is made out of some sort of revolutionary thin metal that just looks like sweater fabric, and that makes it heavy. Which would be weird, because I wear it all the time.

Maybe I'm stronger than I thought.

No.

Seriously, why is it so heavy? Is there a secret compartment on it?

A secret compartment full of rocks?

I wish it was full of treasure.

That would be so neat!

Why?

Really, why?

Cute-splosion

Oh my god.

Holy shit.

Please stop.

Oh NO.

I've Been Slackin'

Yeah, haven't posted much lately. Oh well.

Last night I performed pretty much the best karaoke rendition of "The Beverly Hillbillies Theme" that has ever been done. It included headbanging and Sam Brown. Pretty much never gonna be topped. They should just gather all the karaoke tapes for that song and just burn them. It's done.

Also, why haven't they made a decent movie based off of "Huckleberry Finn" OR "Tom Sawyer" yet? The last one they made had JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS in it, for cryin' out loud! They're both such awesome stories, especially Huck's. If someone did it right, it would be a three-hour Oscar contending JUGGERNAUT!!! Hollywood is so stupid.

Here's an adorable puppy. This one is actually on a lot of people's sites, but I think you'll see why:

Real Names Part 1

So, I am in a sketch comedy group, which I consider my real job ("real" meaning that it's the job that I actually like), but it doesn't exactly pay the bills ("exactly" meaning we don't get paid), so I have another job to make money.

What I do is, I supervise a small group of people that make phone calls. No, we don't sell anything. We are hired by different mutual funds (also known as "Evil People") to contact their shareholders and remind them to vote. It's easy and extremely, extrememly dull.

But since we talk to so many people, we find a lot of amazing names. Here are some of my favorites. These are actual spellings and have not been tampered with.

Sean Tampon
Anice Butt
Harry Bahls
Harry Dick
Harry and Sandy Teets
Harry Kuntz
Dick Sukoff
Delight Johnson
Rod Hard
Richard Dick
Tony Bigot
Frederick Krueger
Joe Bizarro
Dean Sloppy
Hawk Storm (God I wish that was my name)

More magic from lookalike.com

I can't tell if this guy is supposed to be John Travolta OR that gross taste that you get when you drink orange juice right after brushing your teeth.

There's a headline on the CNN website right now that I like.

"Empty spacesuit orbits Earth in silence"

I didn't read it because I didn't want to spoil it.

Jumpin' Jehosephat

Look at this little guy

Special Groundhog's Day Adorable Animal!

"Impersonator"

So after I found the Steven Seagal impersonator (see below), I looked at the rest of lookalike.com. It's pretty amazing, but look at this:



"This talented Darth Vader lookalike is excellent for corporate & private events, company picnics, trade shows, clubs, fundraisers, & advertising promotions. In addition, you can provide your guests with photos taken with "Darth Vader" as souvenirs. This accomplished impersonator not only looks like Darth Vadar, he has captured the performer's voice and mannerisms as well."

Wow, that guy looks just like Darth Vader! How talented that impersonator must be to have PUT ON A FUCKING COSTUME!!!

Unless, of course, that's actually someone's hideously disfigured physical form put to good use, then that would actually be pretty cool.

Hard to Kill/Not See His Balls

I finally saw the Steven Seagal classic "Hard to Kill" last night. Oh my God. It's pretty awesome. Seagal movies never have the best acting or storyline (although they weren't too atrocious in this one), but who cares about that, because there's always lots of good fighting and fake arm-breaks and stuff. It's pretty sweet. I did have one problem with it though.

Tight pants. Tight, tight pants on that man.

He wears a very tight and very white pair of jeans the bulk of the movie. They're like tighty whities in jean form. You can see the contours of his dick and balls. It's gross.

And then he lifts Kelly LeBrock out of her shoes by her butt cheeks.

This is what I'm talking about!



Or how about a Seagal impersonator?



From lookalike.com:

"This Steven Seagal impersonator is excellent for corporate & private events, company picnics, trade shows, clubs, fundraisers, & advertising. In addition, you can provide your guests with photos taken with "Steven Seagal" as souvenirs. This accomplished impersonator not only looks like Steven Seagal, he has captured the performer's voice and mannerisms as well."

Let's hope his "mannerisms" don't include those bright white dick-pants.

The Chronicles of Adorable, Part 3

CSI: Murder School

So the other day, CNN's website put up this story in which actual Crime Scene Investigators (also known as "the police") accuse the show "CSI" of educating potential killers on how best to dispose of evidence. I've never seen the show, but apparently it's about people who investigate crime. They often catch killers by finding pieces of hair, cigarette butts and the like. Actual investigators claim the show has taught real-life killers how to better cover their trail with its realistic depictions of how criminals are actually caught.

And who says television isn't educational?

I'm sure someone has already made that joke, but my point is this: are the real-life police afraid of a challenge? Haven't they ever heard the phrases "step up your game," "just do it," or "what the fuck are you doing watching television while there's people out there being murdered" before?

So the murderers have gotten smarter, they've learned new methods and they've taken advantage of new technologies. Maybe it's time that you good guys did too. Maybe if you had put forth an effort like the murderers have, you would already have those sweet video watches like Dick Tracy, or would be able to smell the killer from miles away like Wolverine from the "X-Men," or perhaps you could even have that wooden-ball-murder-predictor like in "Minority Report."

C'mon, detectives, you have to pursue your goals, don't just wait for them to come to you. Especially that goal might have an axe. Or a shotgun. Or like a really big heavy stick.

This reminds me of that court case a year or two ago where people were accusing McDonald's of getting them fat. When are we gonna stop blaming popular culture and start blaming the assholes behind the culture? Like MTV?

Another sign that we live in the End Times

I was just at an Au Bon Pain (it’s a chain of fake French bakeries) and I heard this:

Manager
Hey, Marie, are those cookies done?

Cashier
Oh, sorry, I didn’t finish with the cookies because I was taking care of this customer.

Manager
That’s okay, I understand – oops, I mean, I OVERstand.

Bravo, Mr. Manager. Bravo. You have brought Political Correctness to an exciting new level. Cheers to you, sir.

(If anyone who is reading this has access to the Big Red Armageddon Button, go ahead and press it now. I’ll overstand.)