I'm on Tour!

So I'm on tour with the Whitest Kids right now. We're touring with a bunch of rock bands (Zox, Bedouin Soundclash, and Flogging Molly), and we're showing clips from our TV show and doing a little bit of live stuff here and there. I've been blogging a little bit on my MySpace blog, but not so much here. I now present to you my MySpace tour blogs in one volume in chronological order. From here on out, I'll put them in both places. Also, thank you to buddy Chelsea for linking to me on her site. Gracias.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006
...and away I go!!!
Well, this time tomorrow I'll be flying into beautiful (or so I've heard) Vancouver to begin the Whitest Kids World Tour (I can call it "World" since we're going to Canada)!!!
We're actually touring every single city in America! Isn't that crazy? Even Crow Agency, Montana!
Okay not really, but we are going to like 30 different places, most of which I've never been, so that's pretty cool.
I'm very excited. It's gonna be five fabulous weeks of watching the other Whitest Kids sleep! I think I've actually seen them all sleep before, except Zach, so I'll be keeping a watchful eye on him. And taking notes.
I'll also be writing stand-up on tour! Probably about animals and babies!
Not like that, pervert.
I also have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of socks and t-shirts! I might not even have to do laundry!
Many of my family members will be meeting me at different stops! They are totally unprepared for the embarrassment they will feel for being related to me after they see what it is I actually do!
You know what sucks though? We will have no internet for pretty much the whole time. I really wanted to do some sort of "tour blog" or something, but instead I guess I'll just remember everything and then keep it to myself.
Also, I'm gonna see if I can come back from tour with a beard. I have a better chance at coming back with a doctorate in trigonometry, but I might as well try. And it will save me suitcase space since my razor is HUGE (it's steam-powered and from the 1850s).
So anyways, bye-bye!!!

Sunday, September 24, 2006
The Vancouver Round-Up
Well, now we're done at the Vancouver Comedy Festival, and we're just hanging out here today, and then on to Seattle, Washington, AMERICA. We will be expatriates no longer! Or something. Anyways, here's some fun facts about Vancouver:
- Everybody in Vancouver talks about drugs constantly, and if you are there for more than a day, you do too.
- The hookers here are prettier than the hookers in the States.
- Hobo panhandlers are EVERYWHERE, but they're not as crazy as New York's.
- Cigarettes are 9 dollars a pack here. Pot is 25 cents a barrel.
- Ray Fiennes is here.
- People like to stack a bunch of rocks up on top of eachother and make little towers. Hippies.
- There's a tower here with a revolving restaurant that serves delicious sandwiches that take 3 hours to make! And escargot!
- They're shooting an Uwe Boll movie here. He's this insane German director that only makes video game adaptation movies. Yesterday he beat up 4 of his worst critics in a boxing ring for pay-per-view.
Also last night we played a show with lots of awesome people including David Cross, Janeane Garafalo and Scott Thompson. It was a little over-whelming but the show actually went really well, and I drank a lot of free beer! And the after-party was at a lesbian art gallery!
I have no idea what time it is here. My computer has New York time, which is 3:30pm, so I think it's noon on March 31st here.
Well I don't know what kind of internet access we'll have on tour, so this may be my last post for a while, but I'll try and keep the masses (all 22 of you) updated. Word up.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Reno 666
So we had the day off yesterday, and we spent it in Reno. This is one of the most boring and depressing places I have ever been to, and I'm from South Dakota. Sam lost a bunch of money right off the bat, and I think Darren needs to change his name or something. There's a place here that serves 99 cent ham and eggs in the middle of the night. It sounds like a deal, right? But then when you see the restaurant, it's like a truck stop in the middle of a casino and it's full of redneck tourists. Depressing.
I did end the night with 51 more dollars than I started it with though. I just stuck to the slots. No, not the sluts, the SLOTS. I actually didn't see any hookers. I don't know if they have a special place for them here (prostitution is legal) or what, but every alley has a big street sign on it, so that the hookers can find you easily to give you a hookerfuck.
I'm gonna go buy a toenail clipper now. Next we go to Sparks, Nevada, so we'll see if that's any better.

It wasn't.

Thursday, September 28, 2006
Rice-A-Roni
Hi! I'm writing from the dressing room of the Warfield in San Francisco! I didn't think we were gonna play here, but they changed it yesterday! It's an awesome city, but the alley where they have our bus parked is a total crack den alley. There were dudes using our bus to hide behind and smoke crack! And one dude pooped right next to it! It's weird cuz every other part of the town that I saw was nice, except the one block where they decided to park our bus. Sweet. I just got off stage. Zach and I were plugging our show after we showed some video, no funny stuff, just talking, so to spice things up I went up there in only my underpants (I'm actually more comfortable on stage that way, like a stripper)! And tomorrow I'm apparently visiting a brewery! I'm gonna try to get a job as the Sierra Nevada mascot. Yes, I will be in my underwear.
Oh by the way, you can look at pictures from our tour at the troupe's website. And we have a Whitest Kids phone that you can call me at! It's 646-530-3118!
See you later!

Sunday, October 01, 2006
Sitting at a merch table with pizza in my hand...
So the last few days have been fairly uneventful. No crack smoking, no gambling. We have played some nice spots in Chico, Irvine, and tonight in Sacramento, then we get to Denver on Tuesday. OH, we released our CD!!! You can buy it at the What Are Records website! We also partied with Zox and Bedouin Soundclash in our bus last night, and Flogging Molly gave us cookies (they were delicious). I also got to know our bus driver Doc last night. He's from Alabama and has way better jokes than both me and Trevor. Thus he will be taking over the writing of all Whitest Kids material from here on out. The jokes will be much funnier, albeit bus-related.
Also, I have noticed that a lot of families and young kids come to these shows. I'm talking about gangs of 4 and 5 year-olds running around in Flogging Molly gear. It's crazy. In San Fran, a 10 year-old kid told us that we were "hella funny." As soon as I figure out what that meant, I will take it as a very nice compliment.