Some Random Thoughts

Why are all these guys in my neighborhood still wearing their rapper costumes?

I think my brain was slowly deteriorating while I was out on tour. I got dumber and more forgetful as it went on, but today I ran into a friend that I haven't seen in like two years, and I remembered her name right away! I haven't done that in a looooooong time! Take that, senility!

I can't tell if it's Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank anymore.

I was at one of New York's many fine eating establishments (Wendy's) this afternoon, when a really shady-looking dude with a mean look on his face entered the restaurant. I was afraid that he was gonna try and rob the place or something until I saw a skateboard in his hand. I mean, you never see people rob places with skateboards, right? Although it could be a good escape vehicle, it's really taking up hand space for a much more useful item, such as a gun, or a dollar-sign bag.

Well, my brain must not have fully healed from brain deteriration yet, because that's all the thoughts I had today. Four.

Television

So I took my first night off from being awesome in a loooong time tonight and decided to watch some good old TV. I watched the new Lost episode, and found it entertaining and surprising, but what was even MORE surprising was that, during one of the commercial breaks, I learned that they now make a car that parallel parks itself! Wow! AND Taye Diggs is coming back to the small screen! Wow wow wow!

After that I played this new video game Bully, where you play a bully at a prep school and you go around and harass the other kids and make out with the hot girls. You can probably guess just by reading this blog that I never did any of those things in my real life, so I'm glad that technology can finally allow me to live out my dreams. Here's hoping that a "Guy That Doesn't Lose His Laptop Or Scare Off Women" game is soon to follow.

Then I decided to finally prove to myself once and for all that I am indeed a weirdo, so I kept flipping between a documentary about the SuicideGirls and the movie American History X. It was kind of a failed experiment. I thought that going back and forth between cute girls with tattooed boobies and Ed Norton getting ass-raped would be entertaining, but instead I just feel barfy now.

Today I also let Spaceship eat a bone. She didn't eat meat off of the bone, she just actually devoured the bone. I would feel bad for doing that but I'm pretty sure she pooped in my room today, so now we're even.

Spaceship's my cat, by the way.

Halloween

Okay, so Halloween is done. At least for me. I'm sure right now there's still lots of dudes in "Guy with a Big Afro" costumes making out with "Sexy Butterflies," but I'm at home and done with it all. I love being in New York for Halloween, in fact I think that this city OWNS the holiday, but this year's celebration didn't quite do it for me. Maybe it's because it was on Tuesday, and I wasn't in town for Saturday, which was probably when all the real parties were going on, but tonight there weren't even a lot of costumes, and very few great ones.

The best costumes I saw were in Duluth, Minnesota, on Saturday. There was a guy there dressed as that famous "National Geographic" cover with that lady with the really bright blue eyes, and a group of dudes as the entire cast of "DOG The Bounty Hunter."

I did see a Santa Claus costume tonight though, which is pretty good. And I also saw a homeless guy costume. Now I know what you're thinking: "It probably WAS a homeless guy, you worthless fat lump of shit!" Well, the guy had a cell phone at the time, so I'm pretty sure it was a costume. I don't think that it was an actual homeless guy with a stolen cell phone, because I still have my cell phone. And don't call me a fat lump of shit. The "worthless" part is still up for debate though.

I also saw a dude whose costume was a t-shirt that said "Bad Halloween Costume." I didn't have the heart to tell him how right-on his costume really was.

I had a lot more thoughts about this, but I can't remember them anymore.

Tomorrow I'll write something about poop, because I haven't done that in a while.

I'm back! And drunk!

Well, the tour's over. To celebrate, I poured ketchup all over my Superman costume, put it on, and sang some metal songs.

It was awesome though cuz I saw pretty much all my karaoke buddies, and since the party started two hours earlier than it normally does, when I left I ended up being two hours drunker than I normally am. That's actually not that cool because I really wanted to take a month off from drinking when I got back from tour.

I'll just start doing that tomorrow, along with quitting smoking. And eating healthy. And going to the gym. And not being a freak.

Guitar Hero 2 comes out next week. Call me some time in the next seven days if you wanna hang out, because after that, it's over.

I'll write tomorrow. I promise.

Missouri (From October 23)

Soooooooo...it's been a little while since I communicated on here. Wanna know why? Guess. I'll give you a hint: it really really really sucks.

My laptop got stolen. Oh yeah. Last Wednesday. Rochester, NY. it was taken out of the venue we were playing at while I was helping pack up our merch. In the last two months, I've had my iPod and laptop ripped off. Y'know, if I were to find out that all of these people stealing my technology were doing it to advance some "Fight Club"-esque, "reduce the world to hunters and gatherers" type of agenda, I'd be fine, because that sounds great, but somehow, I don't think that's their gig.

So yeah, that really sucked, so much that it took my mind off the other thing that sucked last week, which was when I got the "let's be friends" speech from my latest romantic pursuit. I'm actually totally cool with that now, and we're still good friends, but now that I'm done trying to charm or impress anyone for a little while, I can write the next paragraph without worrying what ill effects it may have on my romantic life.

I read comic books. A LOT. It was something I was really into in high school, and I just started doing it again a few months ago. X-Men, Superman, Batman, all that shit. Except Spider-Man. Fuck that guy. but anyways, throughout this tour I've been stopping at comic book shops all over this country, and I have found that the ones in California and the West suck ass compared to those in the Midwest and East. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the West doesn't like imagination as much (it is where reality TV came from after all [apologies to any friend(s) that may have benefitted from reality television]). But yeah, the best stores I've found were in Philly, New Haven, Urbana (Illinois), and in my very own Brooklyn (9th St and 5th Ave, yo).

But enough about my nerdliness. Let's talk about food. Here on the bus, Nicole our bus manager and I have what we call the Fat Kids Club. We eat gross food together. We were in Chicago last week on our day off and basically had the Fat Kids Jubilee. We ate ribs at some place where Sinatra used to hang out, then had ice cream, and then it was on to the Wiener's Circle.

The Wiener's Circle is this amazing hot dog stand where you order your food while being berated by two pregnant angry black women. They cuss people out left and right. It's amazing. The best thing I've heard all tour was when one of the women told some drunk dude "SUCK THE FART OUT MY MUTHAFUCKIN' ASS!!"

It was amazing.

Writing that paragraph made me wanna go crawl into bed and hide from them though, so au revoir for now.

From New York to...a different part of New York.

I haven't written in a few days so let's sum things up rather quickly. So I had a 3-day break in NYC last week and had a lot of fun, got some silly pictures taken, hung out with several members of the karaoke family, and tried Ethiopian food (you fill up on dip!).
Then we went to Baltimore on Sunday. We were in this real touristy area with like NOTHING open. I ended up having to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch and Chipotle for dinner. They had an aquarium though. With sea turtles, which I think is my new favorite animal (one of them only had three flippers though).

Then came Monday, the worst day of the tour by far. We were back in NYC playing at Webster Hall, which is a DUMP. A big greasy DUMP. The kind you have to take after eating nothing but Cheerios and coffee. It's gross. And everyone in the staff was mean except this one dude who had previously written a nice article about us. One of the guys knocked over Zox's merch table because he said it was near a fire door or something. What a queef. And then the show started and the audience was sparse and basically asleep. They kind of laughed at our videos but weren't really that into it. Come on New York! We live here! Shit!

So after the show I wasn't in that great of a mood, so I went to Pianos for some good old karaoke medicine. I sang "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers and was not pleased at all with my rendition, AND THEN, to top off the evening, I got a "let's just be friends" speech from yet another Hot Girl That I Failed Miserably With. Now, this particular Hot Girl and I will definitely continue to be very good friends, and I'm already pretty much over it (at least I will be after I write this), so it's fine. But I now have like 5 or 6 female friends, and good friends at that, who are all Hot Girls that I tried to date at one time or another. Now, I do love all of them as friends and am probably better off having these ladies as friends than anything else, but it is frustrating to be amassing this collection. It does look really cool when I'm hanging out at a bar with like 3 or 4 of them though. Maybe I should train them all to fight crime and it'll be like "Charlie's Angels."

So anyways, I'm over it now, but yesterday (Tuesday) I was pretty bummed out. Everything from the previous day had left me pretty down in the dumps, and now we were in Waltham, Massachusetts at Brandeis University. The concert seemed to have been put on by a gang of giggling nineteen-year-old girls, but it went pretty smoothly. I was still kind of depressed though. I needed some major cheering up.

Then all of a sudden we booked this after-concert Whitest Kids show at a coffee shop nearby and it was AMAZING. It was the most fun and gratifying time I've had at a show in ages. It was a great environment and the kids were really into it. Brandeis is a Jewish campus, and even when I blamed the existence of AIDS on Jews in our last sketch, they laughed harder than anyone ever has at that joke (I don't really believe that, by the way), and then afterwards we actually sold some CDs and t-shirts! Hosting this Flogging Molly show is pretty fun, but when the kids are actually there to see you, and you get to do a whole show of your own stuff and it goes well, it's awesome. And they gave me a free milkshake.

So yeah I was pretty cheered up then. It had been a pretty excellent day. And then I get to the bus and Sam's mom had brought tons and tons of food. TONS. Cakes, cookies, candy, giant sandwiches, hummus, stuff to eat hummus with, and a little toy cat that poops jelly beans. It was amazing. I'm not gonna have to eat at a Hard Rock for at least three days.

So yeah now I'm in Rochester, pretty cheered up, and eagerly awaiting the next disaster!

Skullz N' Bonez (from Wednesday)

I'm writing from the WKUK merch booth at Toad's Place in New Haven, Connecticut tonight. Home of Yale and the Skull and Bones, my personal favorite evil organization. I heard from Angry Andy, one of Flogging Molly's drivers, that New Haven supposedly is also the birthplace of the hamburger, which they spell "hamburgher," because they're really well-educated and refined here.

Except maybe for that shirtless dude with a very young girl's hand down his pants. He's probably from somewhere else though.

We have a break in New York for three days starting tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited about that. Here's a few reasons why:

1: I get to see people I haven't seen for three weeks.

2: I won't see the people that I've seen every single day over the past three weeks.

3: I get to sleep in my own bed!

4, and this is very important: POOPING IN MY OWN TOILET.

You know, I probably didn't need to capitalize that and make it bold. Sorry.

See you in NYC!

Providence is Really Beautiful! (from Tuesday)

Isn't it? I really like it here. I got to see a lot of the city this morning when I was trying to find a place to poop! I eventually did, and then I bought some Bill Cosby albums.

I'm kind of tired, so I won't be writing much today, but I have an announcement that I keep forgetting to announce:

I WILL BE IN NEW YORK THIS WEEK DOING NOTHING SO LET US HANG OUT. Flogging Molly is going to a wedding in Baltimore so we have a few days off. I'll be around Thursday, Friday and Saturday. For those of you that often go to Plan B on Thursdays, I'll probably be there so look out for me. I'm the guy with a lame attempt at a moustache and a demented, sleep-deprived grin on my face.

Philly Cheesebreak (My Colon)

Well, we've been in Philly for two days now, and as the title infers, we tried the signature cuisine at Geno's and are now all having problems. I'll just leave it at that.

Which brings up an interesting fact about travel on a tour bus: you can't poop. You have to find toilets elsewhere to "do your business." There's not a shower, either, so often enough we have to shower and dump at the venues hosting the concert. Luckily, most of these venues have pretty nice facilities. They also have great security, and you have to show your backstage pass to a guard in order to access the showers.

Today though, nobody asked to see my pass as I entered the shower; the guard instead waited until after I had already bathed to ask to see my pass. I showed it to her and went on my way, but what was she going to do if I didn't have a pass? Ask for my shower back? Make me shove the poop back up my butt? It really didn't make any sense.

We also played in a kid's basement last night and it was really fun. There were only about 15 people there but we had a good time, and Zox (one of the bands we're touring with) came out to see us tell dick jokes. There was a really big dog and a really little dog there. I wanted to see them try to have sex with eachother but the owners weren't really into it. Also there was some drunk dude named Omar, who isn't so much a homeless guy as he is a "man of the Earth," as long as that earth is soft and provides shelter from the police and the elements.

Tomorrow we're going to Rhode Island. I haven't been there before, but I hear that it's pretty small, so I'll be leaving my beer gut at the state line so as not to take up too much space.
Later!

Fear and Rapping in Farmville

Howdy Y'all! First of all, I made a mistake in an earlier post that was kindly pointed out to me by Mr. Goldteeth. I should be sending you all postcards, not the other way around! So sorry! God, I feel like such a jerk!

Don't expect anything though.

So in Farmville last night, we played this "Oktoberfest" thing at Longwood University (haha "Longwood"). They had music all day. In the afternoon they had this country dude playing, and he did a cover of "Beverly Hills" by Weezer. It was about as amazing as you'd think. But when he finished, the lights dimmed, the crowd stared around, confused...

and Youngbloodz took the stage.

Anyone else remember these guys? I think they were famous one summer. Anyways, they tore it up hip-hop style for waaaaay too long. It put the concert behind by about half an hour, and when the sound dudes cut off the music, they kept rapping anyways. It was kind of sad. They also told the audience "if you're here for rock or country, you in the wroooong place."

Wrong, Youngbloodz. YOU in the wrong place. Every other act that day was rock and country, so really, you guys were the anomaly. Now, I actually kind of enjoyed your set, even though you're kind of dicks, but why were you at Longwood University anyways?

Also, every one of their songs include the poetic lyrics "we don't give a damn and we don't give a fuck." Every song. And you know why? Because they just don't.

Later that night, Adam, this merch dude riding on our bus, was accosted at a bar. And by "accosted" I mean that some dude rubbed his naked ass on him while he was peeing. He was apparently trying to do it to his friend, but must have made a last-minute judgment call and decided that Adam was the better target. I think that's a good trick. I'll probably do that some time, so watch out fellas.

Well now we're in Philly for two days. My aunt's taking me out to lunch today. That's pretty much it.

Holy Shit, It's Still Virginia

Now we're in Farmville, Virginia and it's pouring. It's been raining pretty much everywhere we go. Jesus or Mother Nature or Skynet or whomever it is that controls the weather must not like poop jokes and Irish drinking songs very much.

So, when I began this tour, I wrote a thing saying I was never gonna get online and couldn't post blogs, etc. Obviously that was a lie, as I have found the internet pretty much every day, so I do apologize. Today though, I had to go looking for it. Fifteen minutes through the torrential downpour, just so I can approve "Zakk Attak" as a friend. And the coffee shop where the internet lives here in Farmville is staffed by people who sing loudly about the power of Christ when not assisting customers. It's pleasant at first, but it gets weird when they bring out the poisonous snakes.

Is that reference even relevant anymore? Do people still do that?

Anyways, time to go back to the bus, which Trevor and Sam and I nicknamed "Serenity" (after the TV spaceship), but everyone else just calls "the bus."

Onward, Christian Soldiers.

Holy Shit, It's Virginia (from late last night)

I was hung over all day here in Norfolk, Virginia, and what do I do? I go and get drunk with Flogging Molly AGAIN. I was never that familiar with their music, but damn if those bastards can drink! Gee whiz. Anyways, I'm in a very trashed place right now and missing all my NYC peeps quite a bit (I miss y'all when I'm sober too, by the way). Send me a postcard, fuckers! We'll be in Philly in a few days, and after the big concert on Sunday we're gonna do a Whitest Kids show in some kid's basement. I'm pretty pumped for that. Doing these big rock shows and getting our name out there and selling T-shirts is really fun, but doing a full-on "Whitest Kids" show in a town we've never played before is something I'm really looking forward to. Tonight our tour manager Nicole needed some cheese, so I went to Flogging Molly's dressing room and stole some. Don't tell anybody. Well, I should probably go to bed soon, so I bid ye adieu, although I don't know how much sleep I'll get since Sam and Nicole are playing Guitar Hero right now. Uff Da (pronounced "Oof Duh").

Hung. Over.

Drank. Too. Much. Guiness. In. Kentucky. With. Flogging. Molly. Tried. Too. Hard. To. Be. Irish. Bus. Bathroom. Really. Smells. Like. Pee. "Lost." Episode. Disappointing. When. Will. Locke. Build. Robot. And. Fight. Polar. Bears?

ICP Motherfuckers!

(This is from yesterday)
What up bitches! We're in Lawrence, Kansas, and guess what other band is playing here tonight? That's right, motherfuckers! INSANE MUTHAFUCKIN' CLOWN MUTHAFUCKIN' POSSE!!! There's kids everywhere in white and black makeup. Flogging Molly's fans have been pretty crazy so far, but ICP's fans? Sheeeeeeyit. Any kid willing to put on baggy raver pants, paint their faces like a "tough clown" (a bit of an oxymoron), and listen to the worst rap music ever made earns my respect.
Tomorrow we have a day off in Lexington, Kentucky (finally). The plan is to shoot guns, ride horses, and drink bourbon. Simultaneously.

I'm on Tour!

So I'm on tour with the Whitest Kids right now. We're touring with a bunch of rock bands (Zox, Bedouin Soundclash, and Flogging Molly), and we're showing clips from our TV show and doing a little bit of live stuff here and there. I've been blogging a little bit on my MySpace blog, but not so much here. I now present to you my MySpace tour blogs in one volume in chronological order. From here on out, I'll put them in both places. Also, thank you to buddy Chelsea for linking to me on her site. Gracias.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006
...and away I go!!!
Well, this time tomorrow I'll be flying into beautiful (or so I've heard) Vancouver to begin the Whitest Kids World Tour (I can call it "World" since we're going to Canada)!!!
We're actually touring every single city in America! Isn't that crazy? Even Crow Agency, Montana!
Okay not really, but we are going to like 30 different places, most of which I've never been, so that's pretty cool.
I'm very excited. It's gonna be five fabulous weeks of watching the other Whitest Kids sleep! I think I've actually seen them all sleep before, except Zach, so I'll be keeping a watchful eye on him. And taking notes.
I'll also be writing stand-up on tour! Probably about animals and babies!
Not like that, pervert.
I also have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of socks and t-shirts! I might not even have to do laundry!
Many of my family members will be meeting me at different stops! They are totally unprepared for the embarrassment they will feel for being related to me after they see what it is I actually do!
You know what sucks though? We will have no internet for pretty much the whole time. I really wanted to do some sort of "tour blog" or something, but instead I guess I'll just remember everything and then keep it to myself.
Also, I'm gonna see if I can come back from tour with a beard. I have a better chance at coming back with a doctorate in trigonometry, but I might as well try. And it will save me suitcase space since my razor is HUGE (it's steam-powered and from the 1850s).
So anyways, bye-bye!!!

Sunday, September 24, 2006
The Vancouver Round-Up
Well, now we're done at the Vancouver Comedy Festival, and we're just hanging out here today, and then on to Seattle, Washington, AMERICA. We will be expatriates no longer! Or something. Anyways, here's some fun facts about Vancouver:
- Everybody in Vancouver talks about drugs constantly, and if you are there for more than a day, you do too.
- The hookers here are prettier than the hookers in the States.
- Hobo panhandlers are EVERYWHERE, but they're not as crazy as New York's.
- Cigarettes are 9 dollars a pack here. Pot is 25 cents a barrel.
- Ray Fiennes is here.
- People like to stack a bunch of rocks up on top of eachother and make little towers. Hippies.
- There's a tower here with a revolving restaurant that serves delicious sandwiches that take 3 hours to make! And escargot!
- They're shooting an Uwe Boll movie here. He's this insane German director that only makes video game adaptation movies. Yesterday he beat up 4 of his worst critics in a boxing ring for pay-per-view.
Also last night we played a show with lots of awesome people including David Cross, Janeane Garafalo and Scott Thompson. It was a little over-whelming but the show actually went really well, and I drank a lot of free beer! And the after-party was at a lesbian art gallery!
I have no idea what time it is here. My computer has New York time, which is 3:30pm, so I think it's noon on March 31st here.
Well I don't know what kind of internet access we'll have on tour, so this may be my last post for a while, but I'll try and keep the masses (all 22 of you) updated. Word up.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Reno 666
So we had the day off yesterday, and we spent it in Reno. This is one of the most boring and depressing places I have ever been to, and I'm from South Dakota. Sam lost a bunch of money right off the bat, and I think Darren needs to change his name or something. There's a place here that serves 99 cent ham and eggs in the middle of the night. It sounds like a deal, right? But then when you see the restaurant, it's like a truck stop in the middle of a casino and it's full of redneck tourists. Depressing.
I did end the night with 51 more dollars than I started it with though. I just stuck to the slots. No, not the sluts, the SLOTS. I actually didn't see any hookers. I don't know if they have a special place for them here (prostitution is legal) or what, but every alley has a big street sign on it, so that the hookers can find you easily to give you a hookerfuck.
I'm gonna go buy a toenail clipper now. Next we go to Sparks, Nevada, so we'll see if that's any better.

It wasn't.

Thursday, September 28, 2006
Rice-A-Roni
Hi! I'm writing from the dressing room of the Warfield in San Francisco! I didn't think we were gonna play here, but they changed it yesterday! It's an awesome city, but the alley where they have our bus parked is a total crack den alley. There were dudes using our bus to hide behind and smoke crack! And one dude pooped right next to it! It's weird cuz every other part of the town that I saw was nice, except the one block where they decided to park our bus. Sweet. I just got off stage. Zach and I were plugging our show after we showed some video, no funny stuff, just talking, so to spice things up I went up there in only my underpants (I'm actually more comfortable on stage that way, like a stripper)! And tomorrow I'm apparently visiting a brewery! I'm gonna try to get a job as the Sierra Nevada mascot. Yes, I will be in my underwear.
Oh by the way, you can look at pictures from our tour at the troupe's website. And we have a Whitest Kids phone that you can call me at! It's 646-530-3118!
See you later!

Sunday, October 01, 2006
Sitting at a merch table with pizza in my hand...
So the last few days have been fairly uneventful. No crack smoking, no gambling. We have played some nice spots in Chico, Irvine, and tonight in Sacramento, then we get to Denver on Tuesday. OH, we released our CD!!! You can buy it at the What Are Records website! We also partied with Zox and Bedouin Soundclash in our bus last night, and Flogging Molly gave us cookies (they were delicious). I also got to know our bus driver Doc last night. He's from Alabama and has way better jokes than both me and Trevor. Thus he will be taking over the writing of all Whitest Kids material from here on out. The jokes will be much funnier, albeit bus-related.
Also, I have noticed that a lot of families and young kids come to these shows. I'm talking about gangs of 4 and 5 year-olds running around in Flogging Molly gear. It's crazy. In San Fran, a 10 year-old kid told us that we were "hella funny." As soon as I figure out what that meant, I will take it as a very nice compliment.

So here's some things

I'm not sure what that subject meant, but if this post seems a little bitter or mean-spirited, it's because earlier today I saw an old episode of "Tom and Jerry" and it made me mad that nothing that good is being made anymore.
Fueled by that rage, I was considering writing a blog about how I hate pretty much everything about pop culture, but what's the point, really? The celebrity-obsessed mall-silicone-tabloid-Dollar-Menu shit train will just keep chugging along anyways. And shit, maybe if I'm ever famous some day and I get pulled over and slander the Mormons or someone a few weeks before some ridiculous movie I made comes out, I'll be glad that drunk bigotry is now a form of advertisement.
Let's take a poll: how many times a day do you consider cutting? Not like, a lot, but maybe just a few slashes on your thighs, where no one will see? Oh really? Well then maybe I should talk to someone.*
There's a banner on this page with a little oil-drilling game on it, and it's flashing "YOU LOSE" at me every 10 seconds or so. Even when I don't play the game, I still lose. That's actually very poetic. Good job, "Strike Oil!" game!
I'm going to bed soon. I have to put the sheets back on first, because I kicked them off in my sleep last night, probably because I was having that crazy dream where I fall on broken glass again. I don't think it means anything, I think I just keep having it because I keep remembering it, and because falling on broken glass is badass (it worked for Bruce Willis).
I bet those kids already spent all the money they got from selling my iPod. Probably didn't even invest it or anything.
I know I'm only 25 (and a half), but I'm already starting to wonder if I'm ever gonna get to see a gorilla in person. I mean in ape.
I saw part of "Deuce Bigalow 2" today. Rob Schneider...that's it. That's all I got. He has moved past the point of insults. In a way, he has become so bad that he is now invincible. I guess if nothing else works out, I'll just do that too. It works for him (and Bruce Willis).


*Don't worry, that thing about cutting was just a joke. I would NEVER do that. I obviously enjoy having skin, which is why I cultivate a reserve of it on my abdomen.

To the kid who just stole my iPod on the G train

Wow, where to begin? I can't believe that this enriching, life-changing event is already over! I'm sure that I will want to revisit this moment later on in life though, so I've organized my thoughts into several bullet points:

1. A 30GB iPod Video is probably only worth about 200$ street value. You probably will have to split that ransom with your 2 friends, so that only gives you guys about one whole day, if that, of not being poor. Enjoy it.

2. Given your baggy shorts, basketball shoes, and the racial slurs that you referred to your friends with, I'm guessing that you like hip-hop music. Though my appearance may suggest otherwise, there is unfortunately not much of that kind of music on my iPod, although it does contain the seminal N.W.A. album "Straight Outta Compton." Aside from that though, get set for a lot of Weird Al and hair metal.

3. I was just getting into that episode of "Battlestar Galactica" that I was watching on my iPod when you nabbed it. If you press that circular button in the middle, you'll see that I was in fact only about 10 minutes into the very first episode of the series! How dare you! I don't even know if I can ever watch that show again now for fear of it causing flashbacks of your skinny teen arm, with it's shitty cursive tattoo of your name on it, plucking it from my hands! Thanks for ruining for me what I have heard is a great show.

4. Is an iPod really gonna make your dad stop drinking? Or your 13-year-old girlfriend un-pregnant? No. You should've stolen my book-bag if you wanted a tool to assist you with those problems (claw hammer).

5. After the robbery, I, like many victims before me, enivisioned many scenarios which involved me defeating you in various combat situations. I just want you to know that every single one of those imaginary scenarios involved the words "curb," "check," "family," and "rape."

6. You may be interested to know that I happened upon my iPod in a manner not all that different from the manner in which you happened upon it: I bought it from a store with my hard-earned money. Oh wait. That's totally different. FUCK YOU.

7. You know what? I'm really not all that mad about it. You know why? Because tomorrow I'll go out and buy a new one, and you'll spend the day sleeping on your mom and Todd's floor, smoking out of a light bulb and staring at my iPod, wondering what the fuck a Whitesnake is.

NO PLUTO?!?

NO MORE PLUTO?!?!? REALLY??

Hootkins

Just to bring everyone up to speed, do you all know about William Hootkins?



You probably recognize this guy, but you may not be aware of his significance (I was not until very recently). This guy was in "Star Wars," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," AND "Batman!" When I found this out, I almost* pooped barf! This dude was in what are probably the three most formative movies of my childhood! Maybe that's not actually a good thing, considering I'm kind of a weirdo now, but the guy still deserves some respect. He's dead, so he probably won't hear you when you give it to him, but you should anyways. And as I was fact-checking to make sure he was actually dead and that I wouldn't be labeled a liar, guess what else I just now found out? He was going to be in "Jurassic Park" too, but couldn't do it! That's insane! Had he done that, he would have been more important than God in the minds of millions! Since he missed out on "JP" though, he's only bigger than Jesus, which means he still has John Lennon and God to top. I'm also working on an impression of him, based primarily on his work from "Batman." Ask me next time you see me.




*I actually did, but I felt too embarrassed to write about it here**.

**Shit. I just did.

I did it!

I FINALLY bought an air conditioner. I really don't have that much to say on the subject except "take that, ozone layer!"

Also, I spent Monday in a tank top in the sun and now have the worst sunburn I have ever gotten on my shoulders. Everything else is fine, but my shoulders look like the surface of Mars and feel like someone is contantly burning them with a cigarette lighter. And then last week, I spent a few hours sitting between two topless women. That did not cause any burning sensations, but had it gone further that just sitting between them, it probably would have.

That was a joke about STDs, Mom. I hope you enjoyed it.