Taste the Rainbow

It's Sunday. It's 11:30 or midnight or something. I don't know what time it is, leave me alone. You just had a great show, met some awesome fans, and are currently sitting in a little room at a bar and your table is covered in condoms. What do you do?

GIRLY SHOTS!

Darren and Melissa and Kate and Jordan and I were all that was left of a rather large cotterie of people that sat in one of those little rooms in the front of that bar Local 138. It was still pretty early, and to pass the time we decided to ask the bartender for the girliest shot he could think of.

He did a good job.

The shot was bright pink and tasted like strawberries. So did the six others that followed it. Why did we continue to drink these? I don't know. It was just like drinking liquid Jolly Ranchers. I probably shouldn't eat any sugar for six months now. We probably weren't even drunk so much as we had an insane sugar buzz. I drank a gallon of water and brushed my teeth nine times when I got home, and my mouth STILL feels like I made out with Strawberry Shortcake for nine hours. Not that I'm complaining.

When I looked in the mirror this morning my eyes were bloodshot but the veins weren't red, they were bright pink, and when I farted it played the "Rainbow Brite" theme.

Girliest drinks ever.


P.S. As usual, I just read over this post to check for errors (the one error I always forget to correct is clicking "post") and this post doesn't make any sense. Sorry.

More thoughts about non-thought-worthy things

To the guy at Rififi who left his Polaroid camera out, thereby allowing Trevor and Zach and I to use up all of his film to take pictures of ourselves: Thank You.

To whomever or whatever it was that made Rififi smell like a cabbage made out of farts: No Thank You.

My supermarket has a very un-super cracker selection.

I would bet that most local pharmacies are like this, but I was at the drugstore today and I think I was the only customer that wasn't buying cigarettes and lottery tickets. I find it a little scary that those are the best-selling items at a drugstore. Maybe they use the smokes and lotto to lure people in to take advantage of their TWO-FOR-ONE VITAMIN SALE! That's why I was there! I now have more "Multi-Vitamins for Guys that don't like Vegetables or Cancer" pills than I'll ever need.

Paris Hilton screaming and crying while being driven back to the Slammer is one of the best things that's happened all year.

I have two cans of chili in my cupboard. I am perfectly capable of making my own chili (it's actually the best damned chili in America, thank you), but something intrigues me about the canned stuff. I think it's because when I was a kid, I watched the Dick Tracy movie with Warren Beatty all the time, and he eats chili out of a can in a few scenes. So maybe I'm just trying to be more like Dick Tracy. If that's the case, maybe I should just buy a yellow trenchcoat as opposed to eating chemical can-meat.

Ah, whatever. I've got those vitamins.

Hypnotic

My new goal in stand-up is to have every one of my performances look like THIS:

MUST...WRITE...SOMETHING...

I don't know. I feel like I really need, like have to, write right now, but I don't have anything really important to say, and I don't know why I have this insane urge to write. Maybe I just want to type. I like the sound it makes, and I do have a very comfortable keyboard, but if I just wanted to hear something cool and have my hands feel nice, why don't I just put on some Ween and pet the cat?

Should I type a joke? Should I complain about smells or cabbies? Should I share my chili recipe? What?

Or maybe I'm just feeling really insecure because I bought UNO for my Xbox 360 today. Yeah. That colored card game. No aliens or Nazis to shoot, no mind-bending graphics, just colored cards and disturbingly relaxing trumpet music. Playing that game is very calming and sedating, and what's even weirder is that I found people to play it with online! UNO!

Or maybe I want to type so bad because I need to move my fingers because I ate some Chef Boyardee today and all those crazy chemicals are making my fingers hyper!

Or maybe I should just let my fingers type on their own without my guidance and see if they type out some sort of message! Like a Ouija Board! Or a message from God! He would probably just tell me to quit talking about boobs so much though.

Or maybe I just need a real job.

Coming Soon...

Or maybe instead of calling it an "autobiography" I can go this route:



Or this:



Or maybe I'll just go with this:



What do you guys think?

Brooklyn is Currently on High Surf Alert

The weather man says it's raining so hard that we're currently on high surf alert. To celebrate, here are some High Surfers:







BE SAFE, EVERYONE!

Au Revoir

Well, I had an exciting weekend and have all sorts of stories of little kid bands and Everything Parades and bubble tea and being "the guy in the t-shirt" at an engagement party and all sorts of other stuff to write about, but I can't because I have to go to Cape Cod right now! The Whitest Kids are headed up there to write for Season 2! And there won't be much, if any, internet access! So I'm definitely going to miss checking MySpace 2003243423 times a day, and I don't even know how I'll get by without going here everday!


But I think I'll be okay, as long as this place has a comic book shop and somewhere to buy tacos.

Don't let me down, Cape Cod...

See everyone in a week!

YES!

This might be exactly what are country needs right now.

Awesome.

And, unlike "The Condemned," which I heard blew, this one looks like it may actually deliver the goods, and by "goods" I mean "anonymous soldiers getting their heads chopped off by an old man."

Suit-wearing

I don't wear suits very often. I don't even wear pants unless I absolutely have to. This evening, however, I actually had occasion to wear a suit. So I did.

The Whitest Kids were invited to this big to-do about TV and ad sales or something. I don't know what the party was actually about, but there was free caviar and escargot and also free vodka. And the dude that plays Sawyer on "Lost" was there (HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT). So I wore a suit. I'm not going to let my aversion to wearing pants keep me from getting free food and seeing dudes from from the only TV show I watch that doesn't feature me and my friends making fart sounds.

Anyways, so yeah, suits. There's some things you can and cannot do while wearing a suit.

You CAN'T do rock jumps, because you don't want to split your pants.

You CAN look nice. Or at least presentable. Basically, when I wear a suit it makes people in my presence want to turn the lights off less.

You CAN'T take the subway home if it's past 1AM. People will probably fuck with you.

You CAN appear far more important/famous/sexy than you actually are.

I took a cab home tonight, and as I was sitting back there in my suit I started to wonder what the cabbie would think if I told him that the place we were headed to was not my home but rather the home of someone I had been hired to kill. If I was a dude that wore suits all the time, I would totally tell cabbies that constantly.

Next time I wear a suit (wedding/funeral/weird industry party), I'll totally try it.

Barbarism

Well, I had a real lazy day yesterday. I managed to accomplish one or two small tasks for this week's Kingdom of Heaven (DO NOT MISS it, by the way), but other than that, it was mostly underpants and Xbox. Then at around 10pm or so, I decided that I liked hanging out in my briefs so much, I should watch a movie about people that share my interest! So I popped in "Conan The Barbarian."

Y'know, I forgot about 90% of this movie, but it all kicks ass!

First off, I just want to applaud Arnold Schwarzenegger for the confidence and ballsiness to make a movie about his run for governor TWENTY YEARS before it even happened! It's a pretty accurate depiction, too, and I was wondering how he got all those facts right decades before the actual event and then I remembered that he's actually a robot from the future, so he probably learned it in school! Duh, Timmy!

Also, there's a lot of crazy animal cruelty in this movie, some real, some special effects. Most people know about the famous camel-punching scene. If not, let me sum it up for you: he punches a camel! A real camel! And it falls down! Then he beheads a giant snake! And then, when he's tied to a tree and left for dead and a vulture starts picking at his shoulder, he BITES THE VULTURE'S NECK and kills it! They didn't show it, but I bet he stepped on tons of ants too.

And when he's not killing animals or other humans, he's touching boobs! I think Conan bangs about five different women in this movie, and then they show an orgy scene later on, just to make sure they've filled the audience's barbaric need for simulated sex.

Did you like that pun?

So anyways, I'm glad I watched it, because I really only remembered the part where James Earl Jones turns into a snake, and there is so much more to this wonderful piece of cinema history.

He punched a camel!

Power Rangers? Still?

Well, I was surprised this afternoon to find that the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are still on TV. It even looks like they have more of a budget now, taking full advantage of CGI technology! One thing I really liked about it was that the good guys always announce what they're going to do right before they do it, such as saying "Tech Bot Activate!" and then they activate their Tech Bot (I don't know what that means or how you go about activating a Tech Bot, but they did it). I know this isn't something Power Rangers invented, but they are pretty good at it. I want to start doing that in comedy. That would be awesome! It would be like:

"Abortion Joke Activate!"

or, more likely,

"Awkard ten-minute set without jokes Activate!"

I was very disappointed to see that not only did this Power Rangers episode reference Scarface ("say hello to my little robot!") but it also had the token black guy on the team say "that was off the hook!" Does anyone say that anymore, let alone black guys?

After that was over, I was pleased to see that they still have that Saturday NBA news show hosted by Ahmad Rashad. I watched that religiously when I was little, and they STILL do it! I don't watch TV very much anymore, but it's nice to see that not much has changed since I was ten (except, of course, for the inclusion of my pale half-naked form in deep cable).

Big Whitest Kids news!!!

Hey y'all! The Whitest Kids have been picked up for season two on Fuse! Yippee! Here's an article about it:

AWESOME!!!

Thanks to everyone who's been watching!

And here's an interview I did about the Whitest Kids for Trashwire:

Neat!

Get it together, New York City!

I love New York. I really do. It's a great city, and it's been very good to me. I have bled and sweated and cried for this town, and in return it's given me a very awesome last couple of years. I think it's one of the greatest places in existence!

That being said, this town has been fucking retarded the last few days.

First off, why in the blazes can't I get a cell phone signal in BROOKLYN?!?!? Last night I was trying to text Shandi a very important answer to a very important Guitar Hero-related question, and my phone wouldn't send it out, despite showing full service. I tried to send it like eleven times and it never worked. Trevor was having the exact same problem! Then today I was talking to my mom and my phone dropped the signal like seven times in five minutes! Did someone activate some kind of anti-signal bubble this week that I wasn't informed of? The Center of the Universe, the Babylon of the 21st Century, the Financial Epicenter of the World, is RIGHT ACROSS THE RIVER, and yet we can't get decent cell phone service? Double you tee eff?

And then there was this "deli" that Trevor and I attempted to eat at in Williamsburg this afternoon. The sign said "Deli" and there were people standing outside of the place eating sandwiches, but when we went inside there were no menus anywhere, no people behind the counter, nothing that looked like sandwiches or sandwich ingredients behind the counter, and a big stack of canned tomatoes on a shelf! That was the only visible item, and they looked like they may have just been for display! Then we walked further back into the establishment and were in a weird empty bar kind of place with an old pizza sitting on the counter (also possibly for "display only"). I still have no idea what the hell that place was trying to be or where those people outside got their sandwiches. Maybe they brought the sandwiches from home because they knew they'd be hanging out at the non-deli.

So tonight we tried to go to a record release party as "VIPs." Krista was kind enough to get us in on the list, and they sat us in this "VIP" section on couches, which was cool. We got to soak in the feeling of seeming important for, oh, about two minutes when we got kicked off for not buying a bottle of gin. The same gin that was FREE AT THE BAR! Clever, club, very clever, but you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning, or offer me a big bucket of tacos, to pull one over on old Timmy Williams!

Can you tell that the person writing this hasn't smoked in nine days?

So anyways, it's not like I'm gonna move away or anything; I'm just saying that New York has been acting a little oafish lately. This city needs to awesome it up a little bit. I'm paying my rent on time and putting up with train delays; time to hold up YOUR end of the bargain, NYC.

Yeah, this whole rant totally screams "I'm quitting smoking."

Pills Time

I'm going to buy some sleeping pills today and end it all.

Oh! No! Not like that! I meant my insomnia! I want to end my insomnia!

You see, lately I haven't been sleeping well at all and I don't know why. It takes me forever to fall asleep and I wake up really early. I was thinking that maybe quitting smoking and not drinking very much would help, but no dice. Maybe if I drank a LOT and then took some sleeping pills...no, wait. I don't want to sleep that well.

Maybe I should rig up one of those Fred Flintstone-style bowling ball alarm clock things, but just use it to put me to sleep rather than wake me up.

Yeah. I think I'll do that.

Cabbies. Plastic. Beer flies.

I know this is teetering on the Seinfeldian, but I'd like to complain about cabbies and their wireless cellphone headsets for a little bit. Whenever these guys use these little things to contact whatever non-America they're from, it distracts them from listening to my directions. My apartment isn't too hard to get to, and I normally give pretty detailed directions right when I get in. Last night though, this guy was too busy chit-chatting in some crazy language instead of listening to me when I told him which street to turn onto off of Greenpoint Ave. So instead of asking me, he just sloooowly creeps down Greenpoint as BICYCLES PASS US, until I tell him where to turn. I don't even know what he was trying to do, but it made me mad and I wanted to write about it.

Okay. Now on to the plastic. I buy my cat, Spaceship, new toys every once in a while, but like a toddler playing with the box his Christmas present comes in, she's more into the simple pleasures. Last week I purchased an Xbox 360, FOR HER, and she instead just plays with the little plastic tie thing that held the controller in there (it's like those little plastic things the cops use when they think the person they're arresting is too poor for actual handcuffs). So now I'm stuck with this amazing video game system that my cat won't even play with! Luckily I found that they have a number of entertaining titles for humans as well, so I do partake from time to time, particularly in the title in which you drive a car as fast as you can into an intersection and try to cause as much damage as possible. Quite exhilarating.

I had a kegger a few weeks ago. It was a smashing success, and by that I mean "way too many people showed up, the beer was drank way too fast, and I didn't get to eat any of the huge sandwich that I bought." It was seriously a lot of fun though, and the night ended with Shandi soundly defeating a bottle of Jameson and locking several of the Whitest Kids out onto the fire escape. Even though the keg was emptied that night, I for some reason decided to take it back to the beer store TODAY. This was a mistake, especially because I had it sealed in a Tupperware trash can this whole time, and when I opened the can, I was met with a most unwelcome odor and an even more unwelcome CLOUD OF BUGS! Where did these bugs come from?!? I think they were born out of the bad beer! Are they the same kind of bugs that fly out of sack of rotten bananas? Should I grow an army of these bugs and then attempt to conquer Brooklyn? Hard-hitting questions, yes, but questions that MUST be asked.

I can't believe I just wrote that much about three stupid subjects. I'm gonna go pet Princess some more.

Soooooo manly.

I am holding a tiny little chihuahua named Princess in my left hand while I type this from an adorable British fabric store.

I am the echelon of masculinity.

More later regarding plastic, cabbies, and bugs created by old beer.

The State of the Galaxy

Y'know, with all these stories of NASA astronauts trying to kill eachother lately, I've become awfully worried that our society is moving far too quickly towards becoming "Star Wars."

And now we're one step closer.

What will we have next, intelligent-yet-spunky little droids running around?

Oh shit.

I Quit Quitting Quitting

What I mean is, I've quit smoking again. I'm on Day 3.

The first time I quit was for an entire year. During that time, I had an office job at which I sat on my ass all the time, and I ate lots and lots of food whenever I wanted a cigarette. Now, I may have already had some pizza and ice cream today, but I by no means have been gorging like I did the first time I quit smoking, and I've already been walking about 30 or 45 minutes every day since I quit, so I think my Chubby Level will remain at "Adorable" and hopefully won't ever venture into "Gross."

Also, I now have an Xbox, which I can play whenever I want to smoke. In fact, I think I actually bought the Xbox when I wanted a cigarette the other day. Maybe if I really want one later on I'll buy something else cool, like a TV, or a bullet-proof vest.

A few other things will also help me quit this time around. Firstly, it's been real nice outside lately, and I always feel worse blowing smoke into a clear blue sky than I do into a rain cloud. I mean, the storm clouds already look like smoke anyways, so who cares? Right? Right?

Also, I have enough friends that don't smoke now, and I can hang out with them. About 99% of the comedians I hang out with smoke, though, so I guess that means I'll be chilling with the karaoke kids exclusively for a while until I kick the habit.

Congratulations, comedy friends!

Naked Party 2007!

So tonight brings us the very first "Tops or Bottoms" party at Plan B. Basically what's going on is this: Shandi and Jesse are DJing their normal "Dang!" party, but if you show up lacking pants and/or a shirt, you get some sort of drink special or something. I believe that underwear is preferred, but I bet it won't go more than an hour or so before private parts start flying around the room.

I actually need to go shopping for some black socks to complete my "outfit." That's weird. I NEVER buy clothes but now that I'm going to one that emphasizes the removal of clothing, I'm gonna go buy some. That's crazy!

Okay, I'm Back

Yeah, I haven't written a proper blog in a while. How dare I? Here's some excuses:

My friend Amber visited for a week and we spent most of the time eating way too much, and then walking it off, and then eating more. It worked out pretty well.

Also, I bought an Xbox 360. All five Whitest Kids have one now, and we're probably gonna start writing sketches while we play "Call of Duty 3." Expect every new sketch from here on out to be about World War II.

Also, it's been criminally nice outside. I live in a pretty good "walkin' around" neighborhood, so I enjoy strolling through Greenpoint, taking in the various smells (normally either poop, bread, or fire) and watching the old drunks hobble around until the bar opens. It's lovely.

Also, I spent one evening watching the auto shop across the street burn to the ground. That was crazy!

Also, I've been napping a lot. There' really not anything funny I can say about that. It's actually kind of sad.

I know that none of these are very good excuses. I wish I could say something like "I didn't write a blog for a week because I was skydiving with Sean Connery" or something, but I can't lie to you guys. I just love you too much.

Me and Andrew WK talking about comics! LIVE!

This will be one of the crowning achievements of my life thus far. I not only get to go talk about comic books in front of a live audience, but I also get to do so with one of the coolest rocker/lecturers out there, Andrew W.K.! And to top it all off, I get to read a bunch of comic books tonight (in order to prepare for the show) and pretend that it's work! Yeah!

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesday, April 24th @ 9:30 PM

Andrew W.K. (The Wolf, Party Hard)
Timmy Williams (Whitest Kids U Know, Fuse TV)
& Musical Guest Leslie Korein!

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Things I have learned since my last blog posting

Hot green tea with honey and a slice of lime is way better than hot green tea with honey and a slice of lemon.

My cabbie Rauf also went to Brooklyn College. He didn't drop out though.

Boris Yeltsin is NOT invincible.

Honduras is full of little kids with handguns.

I will probably suffer a massive heart attack and die tomorrow at about 9:35 PM.

That last sentence will only make sense after reading the posting that I am going to put up right after this one.

If you take one pasty dude and put him on a beach in South America for five months and take another pasty dude and stick him in Brooklyn for the same amount of time, the dude in South America will probably end up being much tanner than the dude in Brooklyn. He will also probably be married to a Briton.

My friend Amber is visiting soon and we're going to conquer Greenpoint.

Gatorade is delicious.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN STARTING LATE TOMORROW!

Hey y'all, the Kingdom of Heaven, Queen's BEST comedy show, is starting late tomorrow. The show will start at 10, and if you wanna perform, show up at 9:30 to sign up! Please know that we will only let 10 open-mic'ers perform. You must sign up at 9:30! Okay?!?!?!?!?!?

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
Wednesday, April 4th
10pm, Open Mic sign-up at 9:30
FREE
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
www.thecreekandthecave.com

How do yo get there?

Take the sweet SUBWAY!

G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south
(away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto
Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave.
Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783

Best movie poster ever?

I'm a smart guy, but when it comes to watching movies, I want shit to be as dumb as possible. There's this movie coming out called "The Condemned" that I think will fit the bill very nicely. It's about "Stone Cold" Steve Austin being dropped on an island with a bunch of other badasses and they have to kill eachother for some kind of reality TV show. Sounds awesome, right? Check out how sweet the poster is!



If this doesn't make you want to immediately see this work of art, then I don't know why you even read this thing. Good day.

Also, any film containing the following image automatically gets my money:



I really, honestly, cannot wait.

Cramps

I bet after reading that title you all thought I was gonna talk about having a period, thereby finally revealing that I am a hermaphrodite, huh?

Nope.

This is about apartments.

Here in New York City, space is a precious commodity. When looking for a new place, you spend tons of time and energy and money over every square inch you can get, trying to find, as Carlin put it, "a place for your stuff."

Now I've actually been pretty lucky in that regard. I currently have a beautiful apartment with lots and lots and lots of space, but once again, as in every place I've ever lived in this fair city, I also have tons of space where I really don't want it...

WHY ARE THESE GODDAMN CEILINGS SO HIGH?!?!? I HAVE TO CHANGE TWO LIGHT BULBS BEFORE THE WHITEST KIDS COME OVER TO HELP ME DRINK THIS FRIDGE FULL OF BEER I HAVE ACQUIRED, AND NOW I HAVE TO "MACGUYVER" TOGETHER SOME KIND OF BIZARRE CONTRAPTION JUST TO ENSURE THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO DRINK LIKE THE CAVEMEN DID?!?! AND WHY AM I SO GODDAMN SHORT ANYWAYS?!?!? I COULD REACH THE LIGHTS EASILY IF I WASN'T SOME BIZARRE HOBBIT-TYPE PERSON! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

I guess it's not all that bad. Even if we have to drink in the dark, the beer will still be cold, an amenity the cavemen never got to experience. Actually, they never got to experience beer at all. They probably just drank stegosaurus blood or something when it was time to party.

Well, it's time to begin duct-taping my pliers to my mop now.

Gee Whiz

Well, my birthday was awesome. I managed to make it last from exactly 12 AM to about 5 AM the next day. I got a lot of toys, a lot of cupcakes, and a lot of booze. Enjoying them all at once is a pretty awesome thing to do.

Now I'm just sitting here reading an AWFUL script that I'm gong to audition for when I really should be reading "Cat's Cradle." Kurt Vonnegut died today, so I'm going to re-read it, and then read one of his that I haven't yet. Suggestions are welcome.

There's really only two kinds of things that I read anymore: comic books and stuff by Vonnegut or Hunter Thompson. Now that both of them are gone, I suppose I'll have to slow down on reading their stuff so that I can still be reading books of theirs for the first time five years from now. I mean, re-reading things is fun too, but nothing beats discovering new prose by one of the old masters for the first time, and I want to still be doing that in my thirties.

It sucks that now both he and Hunter Thompson are gone. I know they both started their careers in their youth, and I've read their early stuff and it was great, but they became these awesome cantankerous geniuses as they aged. My grandfather Jerry was the same way (without the copious amounts of booze, drugs and cigarettes), and he's gone too. The world is running out of coots. Crazy old men are so much more interesting than crazy young men, and I can't wait until I become the former. I'd better start toning down the latter so I can get there.

R.I.P. Mr. Vonnegut.

A pretty good 24 hours

Well, my last day was pretty good. I found out that the video game "Rock Band" will be released in late 2007. It's like "Guitar Hero," only you can play guitar, bass, drums and VOCALS! And you can play it ONLINE! It's gonna end all of our social lives.

Then I got to spend some quality time with someone I haven't had much quality time with lately, and that was awesome. We played pool and ate sandwiches. We're much better at one than we are at the other. Guess which one.

Then came the only black mark on an otherwise spotless day: my stand-up. I don't know what it is, but I really felt uncomfortable and weird about my set. People were laughing okay, but it was weird. Jordan mentioned that it had something to do with the room being too well-lit, stating that people don't like to laugh in the light, because then other people will see them losing control. That sounds crazy but I think he may be onto something.

So now I'm sitting at home preparing for an audtion, and the character I'm reading for has a description that is probably how people describe me when I'm out of earshot. I would print it here but the script is like super secret or something. Anyways, I feel good about it. I basically just have to walk in there and be Timmy.

So that's all good, right? Then I check out iTunes and find a NEW SONG BY DRAGONFORCE! And I turn 26 at midnight! Holy shit! Awesome!

HAY GUISE I'M DOING STANDUP LOL!!!

Hey! Who wants to come see me doing standup on Easter Sunday?!??!? I do! That's why I said "yes" when they asked me to do it!

The Beauty Bar Comedy Show
Hosted by the illustrious Jesse Popp and Vince Averill, who is totally illin
With the Blerds and Timmy Williams

BEAUTY BAR
9:30 pm
231 E 14th Street between 2nd & 3rd
FREE

Plus, if you come, I will give you a piece of Easter candy. Seriously. Just mention this and I'll give you one. It'll be good.

I must be pretty secure in my manhood...

...because if I wasn't, I would probably be having a problem with the fact that I'm currently eating Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream and watching "Kill Bill."

Alone.

With my cat.

Well, last night was pretty good

I went on my friend Jimmy's radio show and was given the radio nickname "Broomsticks Basket." My catch-phrase was "I'm gonna weave you a new one!"

I saw "Grindhouse" which was totally awesome. I liked Tarantino's part the best. He's good. There was a stupid fat guy sitting behind me who kept saying stuff like "That bitch gonna die" and "She's a standard ho," which were both pretty obvious statements. He might as well just have yelled "I'm at a movie right now!"

I went to Plan B for Shandi and DDrej's DARN! Party and the bartender Emily kept giving me Dewar's on the rocks. "Dewar's on the rocks" is apparently her nickname for me. She has not yet issued me a catch-phrase.

Shandi and Sam and I then went to Pianos for after-hours Guitar Hero. This was a good idea. We also drank more. This was a bad idea. My friend Alex showed me a picture of his new baby, who is adorable. Adorable babies are a great idea.

When I woke up this morning, my nose felt really weird. It itched really bad and I kept feeling like I had to sneeze, but I couldn't. After an hour of this torture, I decided to send in a probe (my index finger) and pulled out a very long cat hair. Thanks, Spaceship. Way to help your master deal with a hangover, buddy. I guess it could be worse, as one member of my partying party is way more hungover than me. You can read her blog if you want to know more about that though.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
@The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
Wednesday, April 4th
8pm
FREE



It's called: THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN comedy open mic super hour, and it's happening for the third time this Wednesday! Showtime 8pm. Singup 7:30pm
FREE FOR ALL!

It's run by TIMMY WILLIAMS (HBO Aspen Comedy Fest. Whitest Kids You Know on Fuse) and JOHN F. O'DONNELL (Comedy Central's FRESH FACES of Comedy, CHECK YOUR COOL at the Parkside Lounge)

It's a bi-weekly open mic that cultivates sweet up and comers and then showcases a sweet comedian of merit at the end.

Our third comedian of merit? He lives in California usually!

Anthony Jeselnik
(Comedy Central's Premium Blend, ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live, NBC's Last Call With Carson Daly)

Where's it at?

The greatest place EVER.:
THE CREEK AND THE CAVE
www.thecreekandthecave.com

How do yo get there?

Take the sweet SUBWAY!

G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783
Love,

John F. and Timmy

www.myspace.com/timmyandjohn

Stone Phillips' Purple Skirt and LIES

Okay. So, tonight the Whitest Kids went to this fashion show called Dressed to Kilt. It was a Scottish-themed show that benefits a few charities, and there were lots of guys modeling kilts and hot ladies modeling kilts and generally lots and lots of kilts in attendance. Our publicist got us tickets to the event because it gave us the chance to go through a press line and get our picture taken a whole bunch and talk to some news shows. To convince us to go, we were told that Sean Connery (father to Indiana Jones) would be there.

This was a goddamn lie.

I'm not saying I didn't have a good time. There was tons of free good scotch there, and I got to see Donald Trump, Michael Strahan, Billy Boyd (a hobbit) and some other people. Also, Donald's daughter Ivanka Trump was there, and she was modeling some tartan kilt/dress thing, and she's totally smoking hot. I never thought she was before, but in person, it's ridiculous. And oh yeah, Stone Phillips was there, and he modeled a purple kilt. That was just fucking surreal.

But NO SEAN CONNERY! None! Not even any pictures of him hanging up on the walls or anything! The worst part was, we didn't know that he wasn't coming until the end of the show, so when we were talking to the reporters we kept talking about how excited we were for Connery, and they probably all thought we were crazy! NO SEAN CONNERY!

I did get lots of free scotch and possibly tried haggis (not sure what was on that cracker) for the first time though, so that's pretty cool.

Randomnessness

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I could do to get thrown into Russian prison (the Gulag). Any suggestions?

At Subway today some dude was having an argument with his co-worker over their annoying Nextel walkie-talkie things. Having a guy standing next to you screaming over a phone about what kind of bread to get his Subway Club on is bad enough, but throw in the "buh-beep!" sound every three seconds and it's poke-your-eyes-out-tastic!

I fell off the wagon* again recently. It's happened so many times now that I actually have a spot shaped just like me on the road, and I fit right in there!

There is a strong possibility that I will get to touch Sean Connery this evening.

I bought jeans at a dollar store today. That's right kids! Work real hard for years, get yourself on television, and soon, you too could be purchasing irregular Lee's while listening to "New York's NEW Soft Music Station" being pumped into the store at maximum volume! Yeah!

I have a dress form in my house right now. I found it in my hallway. For those who don't know, a dress form is a headless mannequin torso on a stick, and anyone who has one in their house that doesn't sew (me), is a total creep. I'm just keeping it here until my friend that sews comes and picks it up (doesn't mean I'm not a creep though).

Today my "to-do" list included wrapping a present, buying cheap clothes, doing laundry, downloading some Aerosmith (for karaoke purposes only), telling someone not to "jeopardize Sean Connery for a girl" and drinking some vanilla milk.

Things are going really well so far (the milk is delicious and "Love in an Elevator" is 90% complete).





*The smoking wagon. Sorry, Mom.

Whitest Kids Tonight! Free! No joke!

Hey people,

The Whitest Kids U' Know are doing a FREE show at Pianos tonight! New Sketches! New Videos! Hilarious Stand-ups! Totally be there.

The Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow)
8pm
with Patrick Borelli and Seth Herzog
hosted by Anthony Jeselnik

Ham and Loathing in New Jersey

Something weird happens every time I go to New Jersey. Past experiences have involved ferrets, whip cream, bongos and cigars (all from separate outings). This time, it involved ham.

Jersey apparently has its own indigenous type of ham called Taylor Ham. I had never heard of this celebrated pork product (or of the concept of a state having an indigenous ham) until I got into John F. O'Donnell's car today to head over to Jersey to do a show we were both booked at. Vince Averill came with us, but he wasn't performing. It turned out that Vince was there only to try this supposedly delectable meat for his first time, and that the comedy show was really just a cover for a Ham Road Trip! Apparently Taylor Ham is a point of pride for a lot of Jersians. John even went so far as to say that it's better than bacon!

It's not.

I mean, it was pretty good. I had it in what I was told is the traditional fashion (on a roll with egg and cheese), and it was quite tasty, but it sure as hell doesn't beat bacon! Maybe that's why people in states that aren't called New Jersey have heard of bacon!

The Jersey-ites I was with said that this wasn't the most flavorful Taylor Ham they'd had, so maybe I had a bad batch (my farts certainly smell like I did). Maybe I'll give it another shot some time. At any rate, when doing standup tonight I found out the hard way that you DO NOT diss this meat in New Jersey. It's just not done. Also, there was a dog wandering around during the show, and another dog in a back room somewhere barking during people's sets. I think I was the only comedian it never barked at. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

Yeah, I'll give Taylor Ham another shot some time.

knock it off, fake hot chicks

Okay, these fake "hottie" accounts on MySpace are really starting to enrage my billy goat, or whatever. This morning I had like 20 new messages and 55 new friend requests, and they were all from these stupid accounts with generic "hawt" pictures with links on their pages to webcams or nudes or timeshares. They're pretty much just spam accounts. I get the logic behind using half-naked women to plug porn and stuff like that, but timeshares? What? And how could I NOT get suspicious when approached by 55 hot women? Even if that happened in real life, I would still think something was up. I mean, I know I'm a veritable volcano of raw sexual magnetism, but 55 is a lot.

I do like what they're doing with the names for these fake accounts though. They used to just have names that sound like porn star names, like "Cassidy," but now they're doing stuff like "Hunny Bunnzz." Kudos to that, at least.

Shows!

Hey! I'm doing some standup this week! I even wrote some new jokes about puking, sex and ferrets!

TUESDAY (TOMORROW):

This is the sketch group containing my dear old friends Hans and Casey. They're funny and RIDICULOUS! Come check it out! It's free!



WEDNESDAY (NEW COMIC BOOK DAY):

This is my friend Melissa's show, and it's pretty much the only cool thing that happens in New Jersey.



Notice that both shows have also booked John F. O'Donnell. I can't get away from that guy.

Appreciating the Super-Powered

I was just laying in bed a moment ago and looking out the window when I realized something: the walls of New York City apartment buildings are pretty thick! That made me feel pretty bad for Spider-Man! He's always getting thrown through them! When you see him go through one, it looks pretty painless and the wall crumbles pretty easily, but it probably actually hurts a lot; those things are at least a foot or two deep! I understand what you're going through a little better now, Spider-Man.

I've also been appreciating Catwoman more this week because I've had two cats at my house the last few days and they're driving me CRAZY! They're always fighting and drinking water! She had like 800 cats and she still kept her cool! She got along with them great! They licked her wounds for her and then she made a sexy cat-shaped leather costume in tribute to them!

I also appreciate Wolverine, but just because he has those really bad-ass claws. I don't really empathize with him at all or feel that we have anything in common, except for our short stature and the fact that we've both been smooched by Famke Janssen. Actually, I also can heal quickly and don't know my real age, and would totally wear my hair like that if I could, so maybe we could be bros.

Wow, this posting was stupid.

I've been assassinated

Well, I just woke up shivering and coughing and puking. It appears that I've caught that cold/fever/flu thing that's going around.

Now, I know that there's a lot of shit in the air around this time of year, and I am aware that my immune system is probably a little weak right now after all the partying I've been doing lately, but I think something else is going on here. Let me break it down for you:

1. The symptoms I'm displaying are very similar, if not identical, to those that Shandi and Aimee recently exihibited when they were sick.

2. I've seen both of them a couple of times in the past week, while they were sick, so I probably got it from one of them.

3. Both Shandi and Aimee have worked with VH1 recently (Aimee works there and Shandi shot something with them the other night).

4. VH1 is the sister channel of MTV.

5. MTV not only has a sketch comedy show of its own coming out soon but is also a ruthless adversary that will stop at nothing to crush other music channels. Channels like FUSE.

I think you all see where I'm going with this.

You may have won this battle, MTV, but you won't win the war. Someone will take my place.

Prepare for glory.

Rap Music

Okay I'm not going to bed just yet. Let's talk.

More specifically, let's talk about Mims.

For those of you who aren't "down," Mims is the hot new rapper from Brooklyn who has a hit single called "This Is Why I'm Hot."

It's terrible.

I love it.

Really, this song is BAD. And I can't stop listening to it. I don't like, nod my head or groove to it or think it's amazing though. I laugh. I laugh at it the same way that I laugh at a Steven Seagal movie. It's so wonderfully silly! He doesn't just sample songs, he samples OTHER RAP SONGS! And then he says stuff like "This is why I'm hot, I don't gotta rap, I could sell a mil(lion) sayin' nothin' on the track." He's ridiculous! It's not that different from seeing a dumpy guy with a weird pony tail and a silk shirt break arms! I mean, rap music has been turning into more and more of a cartoon of itself lately, but this guy has taken it to a whole new level!

Also, his name stands for "Music Is My Savior."

Hilarious.

Trevor and I have decided to adopt similar rap names. He's Ribs (Reading Is Bullshit) and I'm Cum (Chicks Understand Me). Together we're Ribs And Cum, which is just a gross, gross pairing of words.

Okay, NOW I'm going to bed.

Televizzle

So as you may know, the Whitest Kids U' Know's TV show premiered on Fuse tonight. Last night we had two parties to celebrate. The first one was at Comix and was pretty corporate, with a lot of the Fuse people and crew from the show in attendance. I was like the only dude there without a collared shirt on. Sam was dressed to the nines. It was nice, we showed the first episode and ate vegetables, etc.

Then we threw an all-out drunkfest at Pianos. We showed a bunch of our stuff, some of it to music (it didn't sync up but I really wanted it to), and then I went upstairs at karaoke and stripped to my underpants while singing "Simply Irresistible," and people shoved dollars in my pants. When I got home at like 4 A.M. and went to the bathroom, money fell into the toilet. I at first thought that I had somehow attained some kind of amazing new power, but right when I was starting to jot down ideas for my "Money-Pee-er" costume, I remembered what had happened.

Then tonight we all went to Sam's to watch the show and we drank a bottle of Dom Perignon that I had sitting in my fridge forever. Even though I've seen the sketches hundreds of times it was still cool seeing it actually on TV with commercials and everything. They even ran commercials for the Ninja Turtles movie during it, which for me was a great personal victory (I've always wanted my life to somehow intersect with Master Splinter's, and now that goal has been accomplished). Then they ran the second episode, which was also cool to see as it contained several of my favorite things in the whole series.

After that, we turned to the Carson Daly show to see our friends VietNam play an awesome song from their awesome album. Ivan from the band has been close friends with the Whitest Kids forever, and I remember he and I having a conversation years ago about us "taking over this city," so it was cool that we had our TV debuts on the same night.

I am soooo tired and don't know what else to write. It still hasn't really sunk in that I just appeared on TV for an hour and that six years of hard work and poverty and 40s have finally paid off, so I'm just gonna go to bed and see if it sinks in tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone for your support and friendship and general awesomeness! You all get rides in my helicopter (I'm gonna buy one in 2009)!

I'm packing for my trip to Texas

1 (one) cowboy hat

2 (two) six-shooters

1 (one) gallon jug of barbeque sauce

1 (one) map to what is apparently the best little whorehouse

4 (four) pair briefs

I think I'm set!

An experiment

DENNIS!
Hike up your skirt
We need all of your candy. Right now
I run my fingers through my hair all the time
Eat salt
DENNIS!
Nutrition is your toy now
Pink follicles
Try not to look too gay
I would appreciate it
if you stop
taking my name off the mailbox.
0 or 10, never the middle.
DENNIS!

Happy Birthday, Daylight Savings Time!

Well, I'm drunk and just got my food; my watch says it's 4 A.M., but supposedly it's actually "5 A.M." I know that in a few days I'll get used to it, but for right now I feel like these two gentlemen:



Or maybe this guy:



Or perhaps even him:

So, about this guy that mugged the really old ladies...

So, as many of you have probably heard already, this weekend some guy decided to mug two really old ladies in walkers.

The first lady was 101 years old. And then this dude decides "Nah, three digits isn't enough. I gotta try and break the bicentennial mark!" So he goes across the street to another apartment and robs an 85-year-old in a walker! And in both cases, he punched the old lady in the face!

Some guy punched two old ladies in the face!

Is this what we're coming to? Really? This happened in New York, where there's plenty of young women to mug who probably have more money than these women. Rob the young! Leave these elderly women alone! They probably have lots and lots of cookies they want to bake for their grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and you took all of their cookie-baking money, you bastard!

I've asked this before, but, please, if anyone out there has access to the Big Red Button, just push it now.

Whitest Kids Tomorrow!

To celebrate Daylight Savings Time, The Whitest Kids U' Know are doing a FREE show at Pianos tomorrow! New Sketches! Video! Fun!

Actually, all of our shows at Pianos are free. But we do want you to come down tomorrow because it will be really fun! Come on!

Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton)
8pm
Free
with Joe Mande and Josh Zepps

Yeah!

Honda Scooter Commericals Were Awesome!

Hey everybody, how y'all doin'? I have diarrhea! Anyways, this evening Shandi sent me a sweet DEVO video from YouTube, and in searching there for more Devo stuff I found this collection of 80s amazingness. Be sure to watch the Lou Reed one, it's insane! Enjoy!

Jim McMahon



DEVO



Grace Jones



Grace Jones and Adam Ant



Lou Reed

Heaven kicks ass

Man, me and Johnny's first "Kingdom of Heaven" show last night was awesome! We had a pretty good-sized audience given that it was the first night of our Wednesday-night comedy show in Queens on a cold winter night. The management was so pleased with the show, they bought everyone in the room a beer afterwards! Awesome! Highlights included:

- The fact that we had 10 people perform and they all were well-received by the audience (half of which was those same 10 people).

- First-time stand-ups Sam Brown and Justin Sevakis were really good. Sam had the best opening joke. I'm totally gonna Dane Cook the shit out of it. Justin also had really funny jokes and had never really performed anything at all anywhere before, so good job! I eventually want the "open mic" portion of the show to ONLY be people who don't perform comedy in any other capacity, so we'll see how that works out...

- I tackled host John F. O'Donnell when he brought me up for my set. After I was done he went on stage and referred to me as "the hipster Gallagher." I can't believe he thinks I'm a hipster.

- In my set I told this story about my grandfather taking me fishing and at the end of it I mentioned that I didn't really have a good ending for it. After I was done, some dude suggested to me that I end the story with my grandfather blowing me. Good idea, dude! I'm sure my DEAD GRANDFATHER would love that joke!


- Three of the five Whitest Kids U' Know can now be considered "stand up comics," so when drugs and women tear the group apart, at least Sam and Trevor and I will be okay.

- Trevor sang a song about pterodactyls. Be still my heart.

- I heard that the bar eventually plans to sandwich our comedy night in between "Arrested Development" screenings before our show and KARAOKE afterwards. Luckily, they already have a couch for me to sleep on.

whoah stuff

I don't know what that heading meant.

So, I heard the Whitest Kids' billboard was taken down. If anyone finds it, please let me know. You'll recognize it as my billboard by the really huge picture of me on it.

I found a little pile of mouse poop next to my oven. I'll get traps tomorrow. I want to give Spaceship a night to try and prove she's still got it. If there's a lump under the kitchen floormat in the morning then I'll know she's earned her keep.

Shaquille O'Neal's autobiography continues its grip on me. Last night we read some passages from it at the Whitest Kids show and it was pretty well received, so I'm glad to see that we're all on the same page (the page containing descriptions of his "ninja philosophy"). I'm also going to be reading NEWLY DISCOVERED passages from it on Wednesday at this thing:



G train to 21 St/Van Alst. Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk 3 blocks south (away from Citibank building) to 49th Ave.

7 train to Vernon/Jackson (one stop from Grand Central). Exit onto Jackson Ave. Walk one block north to 49th Ave.

E train or V train to 23 St/Ely Ave. Exit onto 44th to Jackson Ave. Walk five blocks south on Jackson to 49th Ave.

The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, Queens (Just North of Greenpoint, just east of Grand Central)
(718) 706-8783

Whitest Kids Tonight, and then...

Hi friends,

The Whitest Kids U' Know are having a FREE show tonight at Pianos! Two of our members are missing so we asked awesome dude Brett Gelman (Cracked Out, Brighter Side) to be a Whitest Kid for a day! Come on down and check out the show, and then afterwards we can all go looking for the other two guys!

Whitest Kids U' Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton)
FREE
8pm
with Reggie Watts and Vince Averill
hosted by John F. O'Donnell

And then on Wednesday, come see Mr. O'Donnell and I host our inaugural edition of "The Kingdom of Heaven Open Mic Comedy Superhour" in Long Island City!

It's open mic, so come try out stand-up for the first time, or try out something new if you've already done it before!

Wednesday, March 7th and Wednesday, March 21st.

TEN Open-mic comedians. Two real ones, and Timmy Williams! All for the price of FREE!

Sign Up is at 7:15, show start at 8!

And it's at The Creek And The Cave (10-93 Jackson Avenueon Jackson and 49th), a delightful bar right off the 21st St/Van Alst stop on the G and the Vernon/Jackson stop on the 7 or the 23rd/Ely stop on the E/V, the first stop in Queens on these trains. It's in Long Island City, which is a cool place, and you can see Williamsburg from there! Come on down!

What if I got a kitten?

Really? What if I did? Would Spaceship like it? What would I name it?

Here's some ideas:

The Punisher
Death Star
Dinosaur
Timmy
The Great Pretender
Girlfriend
Aaaawwwww (and then change its name when it isn't cute anymore)
Wormhole
Wii
Sexy Lingerie

I think I'm leaning towards "The Punisher" and "Girlfriend."

What say ye, o scrupulous public?

What I did last night

So I was walking home last night after karaoke and as I passed a dark, foreboding alley here in Greenpoint a spark caught my eye. You don't really see a lot of sparks in this part of Brooklyn so I entered the alley to investigate. Sparks continued to emerge from the back of the alley as I approached and they were soon accompanied by the clashing of metal on metal.

The fear creeping from the pit of my stomach to the back of my throat was the strongest terror I've felt in years and was rivalled only by my raging curiosity. I finally gave in to the latter and crept towards the sparks even closer, finding a tipped-over garbage can to hide behind. I could now finally see the cause of these strange sights and sounds: two figures, engaged in battle! Though they were still in silhouette, I could see the loose ends of a bandana dangling from the shorter of the two's head, and in his hand was a sword. The slightly taller figure had what appeared to be claws emerging from his hands. Was Wolverine fighting a ninja?

I was half right. As blade met claw once again, the errant sparks illuminated the two combatants just briefly enough for me to recognize them.

It had finally happened.

Shredder was fighting Leonardo, right in my own neighborhood.

I had been skeptical of the existence of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for years but had always maintained a childlike glimmer of hope. I found myself being overcome once again with that youthful wonder as a scene I had imagined so many times realized itself right in front of me.

I was so distracted by this childish glee that I didn't feel the velociraptor's claw around my neck until it was too late. I was lifted off my feet by the prehistoric hunter as its tooth-filled maw stretched wide, eager to devour me whole. Obviously, the prehistoric killer was somehow involved in Shredder's sinister machinations.

I began to pray to my god (it's Zeus, by the way) in preparation for death when yet another odd sound pierced the night.

It was a sound I had heard replicated many times in the movies, but nothing can really prepare you for the raw intensity and fury of hearing the crack of a whip in person.

Indiana Jones had come to my rescue.

I had never imagined that Dr. Jones and the Turtles would ever team up, but it seemed they had done just that, which was fortunate for me. Indiana's whip lashed the 'raptor across the eyes, causing the monster to shriek in pain (which, incidentally, sounded exactly as it did in "Jurassic Park") and drop me to the ground. I quickly crawled behind the brave archaeologist as he knocked the dinosaur unconscious with a quick rabbit-punch to the face. Indiana Jones had just punched a raptor in the face.

I had been so distracted by Indiana Jones fighting a dinosaur that I had forgotten about Leonardo fighting the Shredder not ten feet away. I turned around to see "Leo" casually tying a net around the fallen crimelord. Although I was glad to be alive, I was sad to have missed what I'm sure was an exemplary display of Turtle Power.

Having saved the day, Leonardo and Dr. Jones suggested that we have a drink, so we went to the Mark Bar which is a bar in Greenpoint that pretty much never closes. We imbibed shot after shot of whiskey until we noticed April O'Neill, Princess Leia, and Batgirl sitting at the other end of the bar. We took them back to my place and had our way with them, and I was really really good.

When I woke up the next morning, Indiana Jones and Leonardo and April O'Neill and Princess Leia and Batgirl were gone, leaving no trace of my having met them (or, in the ladies' cases, doing them real good). I had no evidence that this amazing evening had even really happened.

It totally did though.

Screw the Oscars, watch the Whitest Kids! FREE!

Hey everybody,

The Oscars are soooo 2006. Why spend four hours watching “The Departed” not win when you could come out and see the Whitest Kids for FREE?!? Tonight we’ll be showing BRAND NEW VIDEOS and live sketches! So TiVo the Oscars and come check it out!

The Whitest Kids U’ Know
Pianos (158 Ludlow, corner of Stanton and Ludlow)
FREE
8pm

with Baron Vaughn and Soce the Elemental Wizard
hosted by Andrew Wright

NNNNEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Okay, so we all know I like comic books, etc. I recently got really into them over the summer and I love reading them and talking about them, etc. It was always kind of a closet thing though for a long time, and then this fall I decided, "Fuck it! It's who I am!" and started admitting it publily, because really, there's no need to be ashamed, right? Right?

This weekend, the shame came back.

I went to New York Comic Con.

Now, I did have a lot of fun there. I saw a lot of creators that I admire, including STAN LEE, the guy who created Spider-Man, the X-Men, the Hulk, and a whole bunch of other reasons that I didn't get laid in high school. Here's a shitty picture of him:



And then of course, there were the Dumpy X-Men. The Dumpy X-Men are a little-known offshoot from the 70s. There was this one story in Uncanny X-Men where the X-Men got trapped in the Dumpiverse and...

...never mind, it's not worth it to make up a story. I'll just show the picture of the kids in their dumpy X-Men outfits.



And of course, there were Star Wars costumes EVERYWHERE:



I'm not sure what the purple Boba Fett guy is all about. I actually tried not to include him in the photo but he kept inching in anyways.

There were also all these kids with those cool toy lightsabers that just came out, the ones that are hard plastic and and actually light up and make noise when you hit them together. They were having a choreography contest, which probably would have been the most stomach-churningly nerdy thing EVER to watch, but at the time I was watching the Editor-In-Chief of Marvel Comics talk about the Hulk. Not nerdy at all.

I think the most shamefully nerdy moment of the whole weekend came when I found myself pushing through a small crowd to get my collection of comics ABOUT TALKING MICE WITH SWORDS signed by the creator. I'm ridiculous.

Also, Gary Coleman was there for no discernible reason.

Tremors is awesome.

That's really all this posting is about. When I was travelling around the country last fall, I bought a lot of movies, most of them at 3 a.m., drunk out of my mind, from a "3 for $10" bin at some gas station. I found some gems out there in the rural filling/assrape stations of America. One such find was "Tremors." That's that movie where a bunch of hicks fight some huge monster worms in the middle of nowhere. It's basically the closest we'll ever get to seeing "Cowboys Versus Dinosaurs: The Movie." I've never really been big into monster movies, but I've seen enough to know that "Tremors" is a good one. Most movies like this have some bullshit explanation behind the monster, given by some "expert" who just happens to be in the town being attacked by a creature from said expert's field of expertise (e.g. Willie Wonka being present when a huge sentient Gobstopper attacks a village in Prussia [actually, I would watch that movie]). The only movie where that experts thing really works is "Jurassic Park," because everyone's an expert of some sort and they all have something to contribute; there's not just one dude that knows everything and then everyone else is just fodder.

But in "Tremors," you just have one scene where Kevin Bacon and company give their silly redneck theories about how the monsters came to be. For like thirty seconds. Then they get attacked by more big worms. That's it for the rest of the movie: just people fighting big worms. And some of these people are the dad from "Family Ties" and Reba McEntire (both playing probably the best roles of their careers). Even though it was only 17 years ago, one can already safely say "they don't make 'em like 'Tremors' anymore." Movies now overcomplicate themselves for fear of boring this ADD/TiVo/YouTube/Neon-addled short-attention span freakshow of a moviegoing audience we have today. There's too many subplots and crap.

Take a note from "Tremors," Hollywood: just give Kevin Bacon some tight jeans and let him fight a big ol' worm for ninety minutes*. It'll be good. Trust me.

I can't believe I just sat at my desk at 4 A.M. for like half an hour to write a reivew of a Kevin Bacon movie that came out when I was nine.

Three signs that I need something to do:

1. Today I ate canned Chef Boyardee Ravioli out of a dirty bowl.

2. And I made bids on Star Wars LEGOs on Ebay.

3. And I posted way too many blogs today about way too many nothing at all.

By the way...

Three days ago I predicted that Britney Spears will be dead by this time next year. After keeping a close eye on her story these last few days, I would like to amend my prediction to the following:

Britney Spears will be dead by this time IN MARCH.

Thank you.

What I've been up to today

- Spending almost as much time considering picking up a real book as I have reading comics. I think it may be time to start reading books without picture of guys in capes in them again. Maybe.

- Searching Ebay for things like "Star Wars Diaphragm" and "weird pants." Both searches proved to be fruitless.

- Writing what may be my favorite Whitest Kids sketch ever today at Trevor's house. I think we may have outdone ourselves in dumbness. I'm really excited. Anyone who misses this week's show (Sunday, Pianos, 8, free) is a goddamn fool. Fuck the Oscars.

- Eating food from Acapulco Deli. This is a great little place in Greenpoint that serves pretty delicious Mexican and American food at a very delicious price. I'm pretty sure that Trevor (who lives three blocks away from me) and I keep their delivery service in business by ourselves. Yesterday I discovered that the restaurant is literally two blocks away from me, but I still order delivery anyways because those guys look so adorable on their bikes (hence the gut)!

- Wanting to smoke really bad but not smoking. It's been a week. I wish I had something funny to say about this but it's hard to write without smoking (maybe I should have thought this "quitting" thing through more).

- Trying to figure out what exactly my cat is looking at.

No Pants Week '07

So this week finds me "between projects." The Whitest Kids have been really busy lately, and this week is going to be a little more easygoing. That's why I have decided not to put on a pair of pants all week. Sure, I'll need to wear them sometimes; for instance, I just got food delivered, so I put on some jeans. The guy's riding his bike through the blistering cold to bring me my stuffed shells. He doesn't need to see my thighs. But now that he's gone, I'm taking them off. I'm still going to do stuff, it just that "do stuff" doesn't include "wear pants" this week. It's going to be great.

So far all I've done is read an article on CNN about Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

Thoughts while walking home at 3:32 A.M.

And I thought I was done peeing on subway platforms!

My iPod Shuffle LOVES Stevie Wonder.

I should patch up these jeans.

Britney Spears will be dead by this time next year.

I'm a lucky son of a bitch.

I need to spend more time with my Wii.

The only function that the rug in my kitchen has served so far is as another place where Spaceship can hide kills.

Shandi and I should become the new lead singers of System of a Down (mainly because we destroyed one of their songs at karaoke tonight, but also because we're not as annoyingly political and are less unkempt-looking).

This walk home is taking FOREVER! I've already had eight thoughts!

If I were a bum, I would use all my spare change at a 99-cent store and get a bunch of those shitty hats and gloves.

Whitest Kids Tonight!

Hey there! The Whitest Kids U' Know are doing a show at Pianos tonight and we would really love for you to come. We miss you. We'll be doing some sketches, showing video, and spreading our message of love! Come on down!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
with Greg Johnson and Dan Newbower
hosted by Brett Gelman
PIANOS (158 Ludlow, corner of Stanton and Ludlow)
8pm
FREE

Three things on the ground.

THING #1

I normally don't look at the sidewalk very often when I'm out walking around. There's too many other things to see, like boobs, or puppies. All this changed last night, though, as I was walking around Union Square, listening to Styx and basically enjoying my evening, when I caught a guy in my peripheral vision that appeared to be saying something to me. I wrote him off as a crazy bum (an important skill to master here) and continued my Styx Journey (which is probably much better than a Journey Journey). About half a block later, this same guy stopped me in my tracks by jumping right in front of me. I figured that he had now earned my attention, be him crazy bum or not, so I turned off my iPod shuffle (which I was 100% sure was about to be stolen) and asked him "what's up?"

"You have to respect me (not true)."

"Excuse me?"

"You have to watch where you goin' man."

"Oh, sorry."

"You hafta watch where you goin'."

"Sorry."

"I said you hafta watch where you goin'."

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"Respect me."

"Okay!"

"You stepped on two glass vials back there that belonged to me."

"Sorry."

I walked away after that.

Okay, so my bad; he wasn't a crazy bum. He was a crazy CRACKHEAD, and of course, being a crackhead, he figures that it is not his fault that he stored his crack in a place where it could be easily tread upon (the sidewalk), but rather my fault for not seeing his poorly-placed vials of illegal narcotics while walking, quite legally I might add, in the designated walking area (the sidewalk). Fuck that guy. After he left I wanted to find a cop and get this asshole arrested but then I remembered two things:

A. Putting that guy in jail wouldn't help a goddamn thing.

B. Styx has been on pause this whole time!

THING #2

Today I was walking home and I saw a half-finished cigarette laying there on the sidewalk, still smoking. I looked around for the smoker, figuring they would probably be close by given the recently-dropped-ness of the cigarette, but there was no one else around at all; no doors closing, no cars just starting, nothing. Creepy. Maybe I have a tail (not like a cute little boney thing covered in fur, but like a spy following me around; actually, I do have a cute boney thing, but it's not covered in fur [or little, motherfucker]).

THING #3

After the crackhead incident last night I was on my way to Pianos and I saw a guy across the street salting the sidewalk. Now, it's been cold here for a while, but we have only gotten about .00000003 inches of snow this whole winter, and we hadn't had a flake in days, so I had no idea what this guy was up to. I stopped thinking about it, went home, ate half a sandwich, went to bed, woke up, did things, and then it was snowing! That guy knew the whole time!

Good job sir. You probably had the driest sidewalk this side of the Mississip.

You're probably saying to yourself "why the amazement, Timmy? The dude probably just checked the weather forecast or something." I'll have you know that I don't believe in weather forecasts because I don't believe that there are certain individuals out there with magic weather-predicting abilities. Or at least I didn't used to. Now I'm not so sure.

I AM SOOOO SORRY

My computer hadn't been letting me access my Blogger account! I figured it out now though! I was updating my MySpace blog though, so you can check there, or to more easily find out what has been going on with in the past 10 days, just do a Google News search for the words "Whitest Kids Bud Light." Trust me.

What the fuck, Greenpoint?

Greenpoint, what the fuck?!?
Where's the pizza at? The one place I found that would deliver last night was TERRIBLE. I think they actually just put tomato paste on a big cardboard circle and then waited for an hour after I ordered it and then brought it to my house. What the shit?

So now I'm hungry again, but I'm not gonna eat the cardboard TRAVESTY leftovers. Oh no. I think I'll walk down to the place that makes like 100 different kinds of sandwiches. One of them is Tuna and Apples. I don't even know if tuna and apples have ever met before but I might try that sandwich anyways.

Last night I stayed in due to the drunkenness I accumulated the night before. I watched "Jurassic Park 2" and part 3! They're not THAT great, but, really, any movie with dinosaurs in it is gonna be pretty good. The movie can still be filled with ridiculous bullshit (JP2), but as long as it has dinosaurs, it's still better than most movies. Here are some examples of the movies that "Jurassic Park 2" is better than:

"Citizen Kane"
"Star Wars"
"The Godfather"

Yeah, it's better than all of those, and for the same reason: DINOSAURS.

This blog just reached a new level of retardery. Time for an Apple-Tuna Surprise-wich (I wish that's what they were actually called).

NOTE: Sometimes I write blogs on my MySpace and don't include them on here. You may wanna check my MySpace blog every once in a while to make sure you're getting ALL the action, but then again, none of it is very good, so don't worry about it.

Come see the Whitest Kids tonight! FREE!

Hey everybody! The Whitest Kids U' Know are performing at Pianos tonight for absolutely FREE! We're performing some new sketches, showing videos, and some of our comedian buddies will be there too!
Come on down and then let's all go play Hide N' Seek somewhere!

The Whitest Kids U' Know w/Eric Slovin, Josh Zepps and Nick Stevens
PIANOS (158 Ludlow, corner of Ludlow and Stanton in the LES)
8pm
FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
TONIGHT

Yay!

What an awesome day!

I woke up in a great mood even though my power was off! Then the Whitest Kids went and did an interview with Sirius Satellite Radio! It was really fun! I got to say "fuck" on the air! Then Trevor and Sam and I each bought the Indiana Jones and Jurassic Park trilogies! Now we all own the best movies of all time! Then we went to eat lunch at The Hawaiian Tropic Zone Restauarant! It's this theme restaurant where the theme is "Girls Are Hot!" Every waitress is a babe in a bikini! It's like a strip club for people that think ogling and hitting on women is okay when they're wearing next to nothing as opposed to nothing! And then Trevor and Sam and I proved how much we respect women by not ogling or hitting on anybody! We're classy! Now we're gonna watch "Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade!" Then I'm gonna go compete in a Guitar Hero tournament! And probably lose!

Awesome day!

Wednesdays are awesome

Wednesdays are pretty awesome. It's the day of the week that new comics come out, my karaoke hangover is normally gone by then, and also "Lost" is on then. Also girls are just a little bit hotter on Wednesdays. I don't know why but it's true.

And here's one reason THIS Wednesday will be awesome!

The Whitest Kids U' Know have a show tomorrow night at Comix (14th St & 9th Ave)! We'll be doing some of our favorite live stuff and showing some NEVER BEFORE SEEN videos from the upcoming Fuse tv show! Also they'll be filming part of the show for some trailer they'll be showing at Clearview Cinemas all over the country! That's crazy! Anyways, come on out and after we'll drink cosmos or something! Yeah!

The Whitest Kids U' Know
COMIX (14th & 9th)
Wednesday, January 24th
8pm

Nope, it wasn't another amusing thought, it was just shameless self-promotion. Gotcha!

After that, come with me to the new Gallery bar on Orchard St. for my friends' party! DJs Shanthrax and DDrej are gonna tear it up. I'm sure they have some cool name for the party like "Dagnabbit!" or "Shucks!" but I don't know what it is, so let's just call it "Partytime 2007."

Cool. Thanks.

I don't know...

So as I'm walking up to my apartment just now, I held the door to my building open for a little old lady. I thought that maybe she lived inside but she actually just was looking for a doorway to pop her head into so she could light a cigarette. I still can't decide if that was a good deed I did or not.

Now that MySpace is in Australia or whatever, the "Favorites" link on their menu bar now says "Favourites." What happened to holding your ground and being FUCKING AMERICAN, MySpace? Huh?

Eddie Murphy has been nominated for an Oscar. Those tiny scampering and splashing sounds you hear are the rats jumping off the ship.

In general, my gut reaction to the Oscar nominations is just simply "NO."

In other words, I can't believe they didn't nominate "Happy Feet."

I'm doing standup TWICE tonight!

New York Comedy Club Open Mic
7pm
241 E 24th St (between 2nd &3rd)
I'm not sure of the cover or drink minimum, but this is a regular comedy club so there probably is one. If I can get five people at least to come, it'll make me look awesome and make Sean Murphy happy. It's an open mic, but you'll see myself and Sean perform so it's worth it. and then:

Beauty Bar Comedy Night
9:30pm
14th between 2nd and 3rd
This is my buddies Vince and Jesse's show at Beauty Bar. I did it last month and it's really fun! And FREE!

Way to respect the dead, CNN.

Read the top headline on their website.

In case they've changed it, it said "24 U.S. Toops Killed in One Day."

That's right.

Toops.

Children of DragonForce

Yeah that title doesn't really make much sense, I was just trying to sum up the things I'll be discussing here.

So I saw that movie "Children of Men" yesterday, and I have officially decided that I really like it. It had some of the most suspenseful chase kind of stuff I've seen in a movie for a while and was very creatively done, and there were boobs in one part. And lots of guns. That's pretty much all I need to like something, but that one really did it for me. And I like that pretty much the whole movie was gray but still looked nice.

Now to explain the other part of the title of this post: DRAGONFORCE IS COMING TO TOWN MARCH 1ST! For those that haven't experience me writing and/or talking about them incessantly, DragonForce is a sweet and ridiculous metal band with some of the best guitar solos you've ever heard in your life. I'm not a "metal head" really (well, maybe a little), but I enjoy the metal bands out there that enjoy themselves and like to sing about dragons and warrior blades and stuff but don't take it too seriously, because, c'mon...it's about dragons. Why take that seriously? But anyways, I saw them last May and their live show is NOT TO BE MISSED. There's lots of jumping (off of specially placed jumping platforms) and drinking and screaming and playing bitchin' guitar solos, and I've heard that they have since added hot girls (picked from the audience in each town) on trampolines! Basically, anyone that doesn't want to come see this with me is a pussy. It's that simple. So yeah, let's go see that.

Also, if you've never been to this website and have a job where you sit at a computer and can listen to music, or if you sit at home on the computer a lot, you need to go. You can create your own radio station and it will pick stuff that it thinks you might like. If you don't like it, you can punch it in the face.

I actually made that last part up, but I'm betting you'll be able to punch the internet in the face some day soon. It's the future!

Backwards Land

So now that I've spent a few weeks in my apartment, I've noticed a few weirdnesses about it. Many of them have to do with things being backwards. I'm scared.

To turn my oven off, you have to turn the knob to 375. Turning it to "OFF" makes it very very warm (probably about 375 degrees).

In my bathroom, cold water comes out of the "Hot" faucet and hot water comes out of "Cold."

My neighbor gets his mail in my mailbox, and I get mine from his.

The backyard is full of broken bicycles. That's not backwards or anything but it is really creepy.

But anyways, all those things and the fact that my floor is kind of slanted has led me to believe that my apartment was actually built by Doctor Seuss. It's the ONLY explanation that makes any sense.

Blue lines

I don't really have much to complain about anymore. I have an awesome job, lots of great friends and family, a cat with arguably the best pet name in the world, and a book about a tortoise and a hippo becoming best friends. I don't know why I constantly search out things to complain about. There's probably some phrase to expain why , something about lemons or green grass or cloud lining or Skeletor, but I can't remember it right now. Anyways, let's get to the point.

Every time I try to watch cable, there's these little blue lines all over the screen and it's really pissing me off. Only when I watch cable though! Not DVDs or Wiis or anything, just the cable! It's been bothering me for months. I got my cable hooked up at my new place today along with the internet, and AAAHH! Still the blue lines! I thought maybe they were staying in Sunset Park with my crock pot and crippling depression and everything else I'd forgotten there. I guess not (most of those things will eventually make their way to my new place as well).

Time Warner, being the incredibly helpful company they are, claim they've never seen it before and don't know what to do about it. The cable guy that was here today blamed it on closed captioning! What does that even mean?!? What a morally upstanding company this Time Warner is to BLAME THEIR PROBLEMS ON DEAF PEOPLE!!! Jesus.

Well, I don't watch TV that much anyways so it's not a big deal. In fact, the only reason I'm keeping it is to watch myself on TV come March 20 (11p.m. EST in FUSE, check your local listings [putting that in there was only halfway a joke]), so maybe the blue lines are a punishment for my rampant narcissism. But I've had 'em for six months! Golly!

Okay, I'm calming down now. I won't say "golly" again, sorry. I guess I should be happy that the blue lines are on my TV screen and not on my legs (must be tough, Grandma).

I think I really am gonna go buy LEGOs now.

Finally!

Well, my month of living in a cave is over. I now have the internet in my apartment! I know what's going on again!

So, Saddam died?!? That's crazy! And it's 2007 now!?!? Whoah.

So I've been thinking of buying LEGOs. Yeah, I know. That's a brand new level of dorkiness. I'm not really sure whether to embrace it or to seek professional help.

Well, there is a Toys 'R Us near the comic book store...

Back in the Internet Cafe

Yeah, I'm still a caveman, the Internet guys are supposed to come on Wednesday. Anyways, the brief L.A. trip was ridiculous! I saw Queen Latifah! And "Hurley" from "Lost" (sorry I don't know your real name dude)! And many more mildly exciting celebrities! We had a fun show at the UCB-LA, and that night Trevor and Sam and I raided our minibars and got really really drunk. We found ourselves standing on a bridge (this hotel was so nice it had a bridge) and considered jumping into the pool, but I knew we were really wasted when we started discussing making Star Wars Episode 8, only as a computer, not a movie (and yes, we know there's no episode 7; the plan was to make that computer later, just like George Lucas did). I don't really know what that means. I'm sorry. They had free Glenlivet.

Oh, and fellow Whitest Kid Zach twisted or sprained or somehow otherwise fucked up his ankle and had to limp through our show. We haven't had an injury-free show in a while; two years ago, I was getting cuts and bruises quite often, but now the other guys seem to be getting the brunt of the punishment.

One last boring L.A. story. We had to rent a car to get around since that damn city has never heard of "public transportation," and we had one of those talking GPS computers. We named it Chewie. The last night we were there, I was the designated driver, but this GPS thing was acting totally drunk! It used little arrows on a screen to point me in the right direction, but once the arrow was a circle! And another time it folded back onto itself! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!? You have failed us Chewie.

Lastly, I tasted the best hamburger in the world yesterday. I got it from...ME. Apparently, I can make a really sweet burger. That now makes two delicious meaty dishes I can make very well (the other one's chili).

Maybe Chewie could help me find some more things I can cook, because she (the voice was female) is shit with directions.

Hi there, I'm in L.A.!

So I still don't have the internet at my apartment, but right now I'm at the Ritz hotel in LA for two days, so internet, ho! Y'know, I'm in this hotel being pampered; free wine and great food, massages, an amazing view, and the guy that played "#2" in "Austin Powers" is here, but it really makes me think of all the people with nothing in the world who are starving, have no place to sleep, whose governments are murdering them...wait a second, my shrimp cocktail is here.

What was I saying? Hmm...nope, not coming to me. This is good shrimp though.

I'm getting the internet at my house soon...

I swear. Then I'll be able to put up blogs all the time again. Here's what I've been up to lately:

Eating lots of eggs and nachos. Not together, silly. That's gross.

I tried to order a taco from a place yesterday. I asked for "one #22" and instead they gave me a "#122," which apparently is a bunch of pieces of steak thrown on top of a bunch of french fries. I'm not eating that.

I slept near a model yesterday. That's the best I've done in a while.

Scotch doesn't do anything to me anymore. I seem to have built up an immunity.

I have a surgery game for the Nintendo Wii. Asking for that game for Christmas has so far been the single best decision I've ever made in my life (moving to NYC a distant second).

I think I'm gonna be doing some crazy open mic stand-up stuff this week. I want to keep doing standup and I haven't done any kind of performance that doesn't involve me singing terrible hair metal in a few weeks and I feel the urge. I'll be sure to let all you rabid fans know.

Ideas to write about later, when I'm not this hungover

1. My theory on why automatic sinks and hand-dryers are fascistic attempts to crush our freedom and will inevitably lead to a soulless dystopian military state.

2. My parent's dog's attempts to be friends with the neighbor's cat.

3. The inadequacies of South Dakotan karaoke (when you play regular music between karaoke, we can't sing as much dummy!).

4. Chili

5. How hungover I am.

Are hangovers worse here?

Okay so my last posting was a little acidic and mean and pretentious and I apologize. Gin makes a man mean. Even though I was drinking Coors Light. Whatever.

So my main buddy here in SD is Amber. Last night I went to a small town called Hayti, South Dakota to watch her and our friend Heather and some other people bowl. It was like a league game, and all of the other teams consisted of little old ladies. There's not much better than drinking a beer, eating some pizza (which was mysteriously really good) and watching little old ladies hobble up to the alley to "Sexy Back" and then throw a strike and go crazy. It was the best thing ever. I'll still be here for next week's game, and I hope to have the fan page up for Amber's team by then. They're called "Castlewood Farmer's Elevator," after their sponsor, but I think I'm gonna jazz it up and name them either "Pink Fire" or "The Fuck Offs." I think the little old ladies would dig the last one.

Also, there's a sign when entering Hayti that reads "375 friendly people live here!" It didn't say anywhere how many assholes lived there. I would feel sorry for them that they're not represented on the sign if they weren't such assholes.

But anyways, Hayti. Yeah. Thumbs up.

I also had an awkward run-in with a dude that I graduated high school with. We never really talked much in school; it's not that we were enemies or did anything bad to eachother, we just didn't really hang. Then last night I'm at this bar with a bunch of people and he's talking to another friend of mine, then comes over to where I'm sitting. I looked at him and said "Hey what's up" kind of quick-like because I was mid-conversation, and then he just grabbed the chair next to me and walked away. It was weird.

Holy shit that last paragraph was the most boring fucking thing I've ever written and I'm sorry I made you read that.

You win this round, Christmas Vacation

No, this is not about the Chevy Chase movie. Sorry.

So I began my Christmas "break" today, which consists of 9 (nine[NINE?!?!?]) days in South Dakota. I started it off with a plane ride from NYC to Minneapolis and I sat between 6 babies and a puppy. For reals. It was really fun. Yeah. Then in the Minneapolis airport I was at the gate to fly back to Watertown, SD (my hometown), and this African woman in full flowing African-style robes was at the gate. Now, being that I live in New York, I see this all the time, but all of the other people waiting for the South Dakota flight were staring at her. I didn't expect to have the "oh yeah, that's why I moved away" moment until I was acually IN South Dakota, but they apparently have turned it (racism) up a notch since last I visited.

Then I get to the bar with my good buddy Amber and more ridiculousness is awaiting me. This one kid that I've known for a while comes up to me and asks about the Whitest Kids TV show coming out soon. We talked about it for a bit, and then he asked me if he could be in the show if we did a second season. I told him that if he were around, maybe he could be an extra. His reply: "Nah, I don't need to do all that. I just wanna write and co-produce it." Naturally, I signed him on the spot.

Then this other totally wasted guy that I've never met before starts telling me about his novel. He tells me that it's basically about sex and drugs and drinking and all of his crazy adventures. I asked, "Okay, so kind of like Hunter S. Thompson or Jack Kerouac?" And he said "Dude, I am sooo much sicker than Hunter S. Thompson." And then he threw up, so maybe he was right.

Also, when he first mentioned that he was writing a novel he said that it was "a novel, but totally non-fiction." I'm not really sure what that means. To me, that's kind of like saying "it's like a carrot, but it's an apple."

That didn't make sense. Whatevs. So yeah. 8 more days. Let's do this!

Back to the SD

I actually wrote this like 15 hours ago, but couldn't put it up 'til now. Sorry.

Well I'm leaving civilization for 9 days to go see my family, who lives in South Dakota. Actually, they're pretty civilized there (they have an Arby's and apparently a Starbucks now), so never mind. My 12 year-old brother* asked my dad when "the Nintendo Wii is getting here," meaning me, but little does he know that I'm not bringing it! Ha! Take that! You're not even old enough to drive! But anyways, I'm not bringing it because he's getting a PS2 and I don't wanna show up Santa. Actually, he's 12, so it's probably just "my parents" now and not Santa. Whatevs. I still believe. Last night at karaoke I decided to do a little Santa-ing myself. I was handing out candy canes to certain singers, and by "certain" I mean "cute Asian girls." Certain readers of this blog that were not present totally missed out on free candy. Now, I know that makes me sound like a dirty old jolly elf, but I wasn't alone; Scollins and Eli were totally helping me "judge." Okay, this Internet Garage session is getting expensive, gotta go. I'll blog about South Dakota when I'm there. Here's a preview:

Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing NothingHappy Holidays!



*I thought about writing simply "my 12 year-old" just to freak people out.